Rejection
 

Hello, I haven't posted much, I do a lot of reading hoping to get a grip on this disease.
I'm really struggling now with the rejection of a friend that I tried to help. It's been two months since I've heard from her, and it is really bothering me.

I know all the sayings about not causing it, can't control it, can't cure it. Or be thankful I am not still riding the crazy train. I am sure I am addicted to the addict. But how do I stop, what is the magic pill? I've read all the codependent material I can.
I understand it, why is it so hard to apply it?

I'm sorry you are still feeling hurt. It is almost impossible not to take personally the actions of someone who is addicted, but acceptance of that person for exactly who they are -- and not the person you hope or wish they could be -- is key.

We sometimes have to let go of people we care for in order to save ourselves and our sanity. I look at it as allowing the other person the dignity to make their own choices and mistakes. I have learned that the best way to begin to help others is often helping myself first.

For me the difficulty in letting go of the "addiction" was that it would force me to face myself and my own issues. Why was I so willing to accept poor treatment? Why was I so sure that what I wanted for that person was "better" than what they wanted for themselves? Why was I so anxious to save someone else, usually at the expense of my own wellness? Why didn't I feel I deserved the energy and time and attention I was so willing to throw down a black hole of someone who was hell bent on ignoring their own issues?

There's no magic pill.

Acceptance is the only answer. Remember that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. You know the sayings, sure, but believing them is what it takes to overcome your addiction.

Yes, accepting her for who she is keeps coming up. I am having a hard time with accepting reality. We had plans to start a business, I thought we were great friends. But now I look back and and see all the red flags. All the grandiose talk.
She was really getting worse last I talked to her. She doesn't even drunk text anymore. It hurts to be COMPLETELY cut off.

Thank you Sparkle, I am mad at myself that I've allowed this behavior. I've wondered what my dysfunction is to put up with it.
Maybe my empty nest syndrome, wanting to be needed? I was married to a great guy, for 20 years, but was never in love, pragmatic decision after being widowed with 2 small children.

Accepting reality is one of the greatest challenges we can face -- especially when it's uncomfortable or unpleasant. It's also one of the most empowering and freeing choices we can make.

Please resist beating yourself up for past actions. Shame and self-flagellation are just ways of keeping ourselves stuck.

I found one-on-one counseling to be my greatest salvation for working through behavior learned through my dysfunctional family of origin.

By saying "I tried to help" implies you pointed out her addiction or bad behaviors to her in some way. To her that's a threat that you're trying to keep her from her first true friend and real love - her DOC (alcohol?). It's very common and although hard not to, try not to take it personally and move on.

Thank you for the responses.
Reading on SR has helped so much. I hear over and over how things slowly start to get less painful, I can't wait until I'm past these feelings. I trust that all of you who lived through it as a testimony that I can be healthy again. I have the utmost sympathy for the married ones dealing with this who also have children. Unbelievable. I can't imagine.

And thank the Lord and the stars you didn't start a business with her!!

I agree, although...... I had the crazy idea that it would be enough to make her want to stop drinking. Reading on here proves that I am NOT uniquely different. Sigh.....
I feel like I've wasted so much emotional energy and resources, while she's onto the next victim.
Guess I'm mad at myself.

Hi 321,

Although my situation is not exactly the same as yours... I did lose someone whom I thought was my best friend for 25 years simply by telling her my true feelings.

In our entire time of being friends she always did little things that really hurt me... a lot. I never spoke up and said anything because the incidents were pretty few and far between, but after 25 years of resentments building up I thought I should tell her how some of her actions had affected me. I even said that I did not think that it was her intention to hurt me with these actions, but invariably that was the end result.

She responded by telling me that she was not sorry for her actions and she is who she is and I can take it or leave it.

I left it.

And honestly I am actually much happier now that I don't have to worry about her reaction to the things I do with my life. There is a lot less stress now that I don't have to walk on eggshells around her, which is how I came to act after being conditioned that way for 25 years.

I thought it would hurt a lot more to lose a supposed "best friend", but in actuality it actually made me realize how much of a friend I was to her but how little of a friend she was to me, and how little she valued me in her life.

I really hope you are able to move on with your life and as someone else pointed out, just thank your lucky stars you didn't make a major financial decision with her!!

Very Best,

TT

Hope,
I totally get all you are talking about. I often tell my AlAnon group that I wish I had started that program 30 years ago. It would have saved me a LOT of pain like you are describing. I can remember a number of relationships I formed to try and rescue someone over the years.

The program has taught me about boundaries, and what healthy relationships should look like.

Thanks for sharing. Keep coming back!

I started a business two years ago with a 10 years dear friend. Thankfully the business was 100% mine legally because what I didn't know in the two years he had been living in another State, he developed a crystal Meth Addiction.

Needless to say the year he was there was HELL and I spent a lot of time thinking I was crazy. He stole thousands of dollars from me in product, and client diversion to pay for his habit.

The day I threw his sh!t out the door (way past when I should have) was one of the happiest days of my life. If I had let him stay continuing to make rationalizations and HOPING he would change I am pretty sure I would be out of business.

Instead, I quadrupled my earnings by myself in the first year he was gone. You dodged a bullet dude, one that could have financially ruined you.

TT, it did come to walking on eggshells, if I did mention a behavior that was upsetting she would completely throw it back on me with the worst name calling. I always let it go "because she was drinking" in the beginning she was somewhat remorseful then it got to be where she tried to convince me I deserved it.
Unbelievable. My friends and family would be horrified it they knew what I put up with. I was like the frog in the hot water.
So now that she has cut me out of her life completely I am mad that I wasn't the one who walked away first.

I'm mad that I obsess about her life the way she probably obsesses about alcohol and pot.
How can it be that the one who is supposedly sick walk away when I should have walked away years ago.

Thank you redatlanta, I've read so much on here and others on this thread saying thank God I didn't get more entangled. I do have very lucid and clear moments then I have a bad day.
Deep down I am thankful (mostly) that I am forced to move on and work on what needs I think she fulfilled in my life. I honestly think they were all imaginary/fantasy thinking she was somebody she never was or will be.
Thanks for letting me vent. I have gotten so much wisdom from so many of you.
I've been to a few alanon meetings even a counselor.
Unfortunately, she wasn't trained in addiction relationships.