TimeForMe

Hi everyone - I'm so grateful today to be able to post here. Through your stories and comments, I feel a little less alone in this madness. Thank you all.

I've been living outside of my home for a few weeks after an incident that broke the camel's back. AH has not had a drink since, has been attending meetings, and is generally the great guy I fell in love with almost 20 years ago. We're in contact, have had some deep conversations, and he understands that I am not ready to come home at this point.

Several years ago, he went to rehab...after I left. I gave him one more chance, which turned into 50 more chances, which finally became too much for me to bear, so I left. When he is not drinking, he's really a great guy. Like he's being now. He says he loves me and wants to work it out. I've heard this line before; the issue is not whether I want to give him one MORE chance because I am not considering it at this point.

The issue is this: when he first called me after a prior incident (which ultimately led to him going to rehab), I truly felt something inside of me break. My heart, my will, my faith..I don't know what. But I broke. Ever since then, I have had a hard time being physically attracted to him. Too many disgusting things have happened when he's been drinking. The look he gets, the smell, the groping...disgusting.

I am so caught up in the insanity right now I cannot think straight. I have everything I could ever want. Except a sober partner that I am physically attracted to. And happiness. I feel shallow that I cannot get past the attracted-ness issue. I feel mean that I want out. I feel sad that now that he is really trying, I'm giving up. I don't know what I feel. Once that passion or "in love" feeling is gone, does it ever come back? If a person stays in recovery (I realize what you are all thinking!! I'm talking hypothetically now), would you leave an otherwise good life because you aren't physically attracted to the person like you think you should be? Doesn't the passion fade after a 20 year relationship with someone, whether they are an addict or not?

I think I just need a kick in the tail from someone not in the middle of the situation. I'm pretty sure I know what you all will say. I just need to hear it.

Thanks, everyone. Love and peace to all of us. They'll never understand what we're going through.

Mango blast

I am truly still in love with my husband of 29 years. I am also living apart from him during the week due to work circumstances. Thank you, Higher Power. My husband doesn't realize what a gift that is for him, also. I have a lot I'm going through, unlearning and processing.

Tonight on my way home from work, I was emotionally exhausted and depleted and started crying a little for missing him and wanting to be at home with him.

And then, after taking time for me and to re-balance a bit, I called & talked to him, at the end of his day. It's what I can give and share right now. Where he is at, mentally - especially with a strong dose of negatively - is not healthy for me.

I don't want to change him. It's okay for him to be as he is. It's also okay for me to have as much time and space as I need for healing.

We both bring good things to our relationship, and by being with him for a short time I am able to bring the best of me instead of the least of me every day.

redatlanta

Nothing about what you are feeling is wrong down to be physically disgusted by your partner.

See thing is even in normie relationships sans addiction what your husband has done in regard to his behavior is all too common - waiting until there is too much water under the bridge to change. Feelings in relationships are often destroyed by this. I have known many a long term relationship go South due to a spouse that ignores the other because they work too much, become obsessed over a new hobby, focus only on the kids etc. A relationship is a garden, the garden dies if it is not watered. What results is that when the ignored spouse wants out the other spouse suddenly "gets it" and it willing to make a change. Often its too late.....it might have been years, and by that time the ignored spouse is so checked out of the marriage there is no resurrecting it.

Passions in long term relationships in my experience of cyclical. Underlying the "low" periods isn't that the relationship is in trouble if its a healthy one. Certainly there are marriages where sex and intimacy is not a priority or may even be non-existent. If both partners are happy with this fine, it doesn't sound like this is your situation. It sounds like physical intimacy is something you do not want, but your husband does. This is a problem. Its a bigger problem that you are disgusted by him intimately. That's perfectly fine to feel that way.

I think you may need to change the way you look at this. You haven't given up. In fact you have stayed for years clearly trying to get past all this, and put it back together. Its not working. Deciding to leave the marriage is not "giving up" or "being mean". Its acceptance that the relationship cannot survive the actions that have happened within. I don't believe you are positive yet that you can't change and feel different. Only time can answer that question for you and it will be answered the longer you live away from him.

You do not have to decide any of this now - give your mind a break. Enjoy your life as is away from him, and continue the separation. Do not feel that you have to figure out what you are going to do today, tomorrow, or next month. Don't let him press you to make a decision either you give yourself the space you need FOR YOU - cause this isn't about him.

dandylion

Timeforme.....to my way of thinking.....being in a relationship where there is no intimate attraction or happiness (I am using your words, here).....is just being in some sort of practical arrangement. Now, people do do this for their own particular reasons. People do get to pick and choose what they are willing to settle for.

Reflecting on what redatlanta said......I know for a fact that certain behaviors can kill physical attraction. I have experienced it....and, no....the feelings of attraction never came back......
(check out that great soul song "That Lovin Feeling"......)

I suspect that you may be dealing with guilt feelings.....
Maybe, what you think you "owe".....or maybe, what people, or he, will say about you......

Your feelings have as much weight as his (or they should be!).....your happiness is just as I mportant as his....

You have the basic right to be happy...to seek your own happiness.....
It is up to you to do that.....because o thers will not...will NOT.....do it for you.....

don't you think you have the right to be happy.....?

dandylion

Refiner

Time, be kind to yourself. Yes the butterflies do fade after awhile but the joyfullness of love doesn't IF there is love still there. I have to say that what probably broke is your love for him - and that's ok and is NOT YOUR FAULT - it's the disease's fault and unfortunately is the price he must pay. Be kind to yourself AND HIM and let him know that's where your head is at right now. Staying with him (and paying a price to do so) should not be his "reward" for staying sober. If he thinks that way, that is pure manipulation.

atalose

What redatlanta said so beautifully……..

It’s acceptance that the relationship cannot survive the actions that have happened within it.

Is the simplest and most truthful thing I have ever read!

Sotiredofitall

I've been going through those same thoughts and feelings. Thank you for bringing it to the board. Not sure what I'm going to do either. Sending thoughts out to the HP for your decision. Thats where mine are.

TimeForMe

Jiminy Cricket! You are all so amazing and supportive. Thank you for your responses. Of course, you each give great perspective to a situation that I definitely cannot view objectively.

Having moved around to several states over the last few decades - and being a major introvert - have left me with few close friends with whom I can share these thoughts and feelings. Most of the people I could talk to are family or friends of both of us, who, while well-meaning, are not objective either.

After I posted the original post last night, I saw on my profile that I have been a member on this board since Oct 2008. I read a lot and posted a few things, and logged on intermittently over the years. In my mind, the trouble started about 5 years ago. When I saw that Oct 2008 date, it was like a slap across the face. Seven years. Seven years ago I was so fed up that I joined this board. Which means I have been unhappy longer than that. What normal adult willingly stays unhappy for all that time?? I'm not judging anyone else who stays...it was simply a wake-up call for ME that I have been CHOOSING to be unhappy for so long. Waiting for something that may or may not show up. My happiness is my responsibility.

Thank you all so much. You have helped me more than you will ever know.

premedbails

I understand what you mean by losing your attraction for him. The same thing happened with me and my XABF. There was a night he came home from the bar and something in my head snapped. He came into the bedroom and yelled at me while I cowered in the corner of the room and cried and begged for it to stop. He wasn't the man I'd fallen in love with anymore...he was someone...or someTHING else entirely. It was the first time I was afraid of him.

My heart broke...it snapped in two. Something about my mindset changed. I can't tell you exactly what it was, but I can definitely relate to what you're saying. I saw my ex out in public about a week ago and I no longer felt butterflies...I felt pain and disgust.

Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. You gave him several chances like I did my ex...and he blew all of them. It comes to a point where you just simply don't have any more chances or love to give. It's sad and it's hard to accept, but sometimes you just can't go back to what you had because of this disease. Don't feel like you owe him anything. Because you don't.

Try to focus on your happiness right now...my thoughts are with you.

TimeForMe

Jiminy Cricket! You are all so amazing and supportive. Thank you for your responses. Of course, you each give great perspective to a situation that I definitely cannot view objectively.

Having moved around to several states over the last few decades - and being a major introvert - have left me with few close friends with whom I can share these thoughts and feelings. Most of the people I could talk to are family or friends of both of us, who, while well-meaning, are not objective either.

After I posted the original post last night, I saw on my profile that I have been a member on this board since Oct 2008. I read a lot and posted a few things, and logged on intermittently over the years. In my mind, the trouble started about 5 years ago. When I saw that Oct 2008 date, it was like a slap across the face. Seven years. Seven years ago I was so fed up that I joined this board. Which means I have been unhappy longer than that. What normal adult willingly stays unhappy for all that time?? I'm not judging anyone else who stays...it was simply a wake-up call for ME that I have been CHOOSING to be unhappy for so long. Waiting for something that may or may not show up. My happiness is my responsibility.

Thank you all so much. You have helped me more than you will ever know.