SeriousKarma

I think it’s interesting, as my daughter ventures into adulthood, observing her evolving relationship with her dad. I’ve said before (probably here at SR) that I see it as my job to help her navigate the waters of being an Adult child of an alcoholic. She’s going to grow in maturity. He’s not. And the relationship that once was, where she could trust his guidance simply because he loved her, and was older than her, is going to shift. He’s a smart man, and sometimes can be on point with what he says. Other times his judgement can be a bit wonky. She’s going to have to learn to rely on her own best judgement. More importantly, she’s going to need to learn how to communicate with him in a way where she can say “no” to some of his crazier ideas without any vacillation. Nip it in the bud, and there’s a lot less drama and heartache. If she does, I think she can grow into adulthood having a fairly decent relationship with him. Which, I believe, would be a win for all three of us.

Case in point: He’s living in another country now with his girlfriend. That’s fine. Sometimes it can be a bit difficult dealing with business issues in that country, and he knows that he can call on my daughter (or me) to help him out on this end if he needs to. That’s fine.

The other day I received a letter addressed to my XAH from his brother. I contacted my ex and he asked me to open it to see what it was. It was a money order for a few hundred dollars made out to his girlfriend from a company here in the states. His brother was simply forwarding the money order.

My XAH explained that the money was actually meant for him, and was a result of a dispute that he had had with this company. He had been waiting months for it, and now that he was out of the country (where mail can take forever) he needed to think about how he wanted it handled.

A day later he contacts my daughter, sends her an image of his girlfriends signature, and asks my daughter to forge an endorsement on the back, and then electronically deposit it into her own (my daughter’s) bank account. She could then withdraw the money and deposit it into his account.

My daughter read me the message and asked what I thought. I think you all know what I thought.

Now, I’ve forged a plenty of signatures in my day. My dad used to have me sign stuff for my brothers when they were away at college. I’d sign my husband’s name when he was deployed. I’d sign my mother’s name on excuse slips when I’d cut class in high school. I don’t, in and of itself have a problem with Familial Forgery. But, am I wrong in thinking that what my XAH was asking of my daughter was a bit different?

He was asking her to forge someone else's name on a check that she would then deposit into her own account. That’s bank fraud, and theft.

I explained this to her, and she quickly sent him back an email saying “I’m really not comfortable with that.” She’s used that phrase about 4 times with him. It’s becoming a bit of a catchphrase for her, but it seems to work pretty well. He didn't push it. He wants to respect her boundaries, but it’s up to her to state them clearly.

I think we’re on the right path. Years ago she would have been a lot more uncomfortable telling him she didn't want to do something, Now she handles it like ripping off a bandaid. She just needs to learn how to recognize the “wonky” on her own, without my help. She’ll get there. I’m sure of it.

Thanks for reading. Just wanted to share.

cricket123

How did you get her to this point? I'm really struggling with setting boundaries with my kids and having them not be in deniel about their dad.

SeriousKarma

There was no Alateen in our city, so I started taking her to Alanon at a fairly young age (14). She immediately felt a connection to some of the older ACOA's there. Women in there 60's and 70's that could understand exactly where she was coming from. That validation was extremely important to her. She learned the concepts of Boundaries and Detachment there. She also learned about expectations. Specifically, not to have any in regards to her father. It gave her some control over her relationship with her father. If she wanted to have a relationship with him she could. If not, fine. She couldn't stand being around him at that point, and nobody judged her. She could do whatever she wanted, on her own time frame. I think that's important for a kid that's been dancing to the beat of an addicts drum for their entire life.

She both loved and hated her father at the same time. That was very stressful. In the end she decided that she would be happier loving him. So she worked (is still working) toward that, and establishing boundaries is a big part of it. It's an ongoing process that I suspect will have some ups and downs as she goes along.