Realizing the Alcohol Root of Many Problems
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Realizing the Alcohol Root of Many Problems
Hello everyone. This is my first "real" posting outside of the intro post on another thread.
I am a 37 year old female who lives with her boyfriend of 10 years. When I first met him 10+ years ago, I thought he drank too much and it really set off his temper. After about two plus years of dating, he did go to a type of Al Non and it did help a lot.
At this current time/right now, I suspect that his drinking has gotten out of hand again and that is why I am here now.
Years ago, we reached a sort of compromise that he would only drink at home and would have one or two in the garage. I was fine with that. He also does not drink when we are out with my family or at their houses. He knows how I don't like how he acts when he drinks.
The way he acts when he drinks is - more combative, argumentative, quick to flip out, anger and destructive on property.
For the past six months, I've noticed much more bad behavior and just chalked it up to him being depressed about the house that is never done and his turning 50 next year. (That is what he says)
A huge red flag went off in my head two weeks ago - I had donated a huge garbage of empty beer cans from the garage to a fundraiser. I assumed that bag was from a few months worth. But I just walked by the same spot today and saw an already filled huge garbage bag. Uh Oh!!!
I noticed these few things that may be connected to his drinking. Could the following be symptoms or bad effects of drinking?
1. He doesn't remember a lot of what I tell him (like my work schedule, life things, etc.)
2. He seems more withdrawn, not wanting to do anything fun or out of the house. He just wants to stay and work on the house itself (which I know a lot needs to be done). He only wants to go to Deadhead shows, jam bands or other environments that have pot smoking, etc.
3. He says I need to loosen up about drinking and that I don't know how to have a good time
4. He seems more fidgety and anxious to get home and hates gatherings where we sit and eat and actually converse with people.
5. The littlest remark or statement about something innocent had resulted in him ranting and raving wildly and breaking items about the house. For example - I lost my hearing aid and just asked him kindly to let me know if he can across it. He ended up ranting about how I am irresponsible with money, spoiled, talked about my parents, brought up an issue that was resolved weeks ago and smashed the cable modem box.
6. No interest in sex with me; says I am sexually undesireable, no erection and yet watches the worst porn ever.
7. He is not open to having friends except other people who like to drink or smoke pot or have no direction in life.
As I write this out, I think I know the answer to a lot of these but I can't believe I was so naive to think I was truly the problem the entire time. Do alcoholics hide their drinking and should I be concerned about these signs?
I am a 37 year old female who lives with her boyfriend of 10 years. When I first met him 10+ years ago, I thought he drank too much and it really set off his temper. After about two plus years of dating, he did go to a type of Al Non and it did help a lot.
At this current time/right now, I suspect that his drinking has gotten out of hand again and that is why I am here now.
Years ago, we reached a sort of compromise that he would only drink at home and would have one or two in the garage. I was fine with that. He also does not drink when we are out with my family or at their houses. He knows how I don't like how he acts when he drinks.
The way he acts when he drinks is - more combative, argumentative, quick to flip out, anger and destructive on property.
For the past six months, I've noticed much more bad behavior and just chalked it up to him being depressed about the house that is never done and his turning 50 next year. (That is what he says)
A huge red flag went off in my head two weeks ago - I had donated a huge garbage of empty beer cans from the garage to a fundraiser. I assumed that bag was from a few months worth. But I just walked by the same spot today and saw an already filled huge garbage bag. Uh Oh!!!
I noticed these few things that may be connected to his drinking. Could the following be symptoms or bad effects of drinking?
1. He doesn't remember a lot of what I tell him (like my work schedule, life things, etc.)
2. He seems more withdrawn, not wanting to do anything fun or out of the house. He just wants to stay and work on the house itself (which I know a lot needs to be done). He only wants to go to Deadhead shows, jam bands or other environments that have pot smoking, etc.
3. He says I need to loosen up about drinking and that I don't know how to have a good time
4. He seems more fidgety and anxious to get home and hates gatherings where we sit and eat and actually converse with people.
5. The littlest remark or statement about something innocent had resulted in him ranting and raving wildly and breaking items about the house. For example - I lost my hearing aid and just asked him kindly to let me know if he can across it. He ended up ranting about how I am irresponsible with money, spoiled, talked about my parents, brought up an issue that was resolved weeks ago and smashed the cable modem box.
6. No interest in sex with me; says I am sexually undesireable, no erection and yet watches the worst porn ever.
7. He is not open to having friends except other people who like to drink or smoke pot or have no direction in life.
As I write this out, I think I know the answer to a lot of these but I can't believe I was so naive to think I was truly the problem the entire time. Do alcoholics hide their drinking and should I be concerned about these signs?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 43
Yes this is all 100% symptomatic of alcoholism. I checked off all of your points with my XABF. You should read around the posts and you will see a lot of similarities in other peoples situations.
I went through exactly the same process of connecting lots of dots that I did not initially link with his drinking at all and it is only after the relationship ended I have thought of sooo many more things. I imagine you will go through the same process.
As a lot of people told me here when I first posted,
this disease is progressive and things will get worse. After I discovered my XABF drinking things got really bad, he said and did all the right things and said he would get help but then cheated and left me. As messed up as it sounds I believe it was done intentionally to drive me away.
I wish someone would have told me about just how much this disease changes people. Please educate yourself on alcoholism and look at getting support from a group such as al anon or an addiction therapist. Despite trying to help they view you as a threat to their addiction and will do anything to protect it.
I don't want to sound ominous but in my experience this can happen. Before you decide your next steps ensure you have knowledge and support in place. I wish someone had told me this.
Take care of yourself xx
I went through exactly the same process of connecting lots of dots that I did not initially link with his drinking at all and it is only after the relationship ended I have thought of sooo many more things. I imagine you will go through the same process.
As a lot of people told me here when I first posted,
this disease is progressive and things will get worse. After I discovered my XABF drinking things got really bad, he said and did all the right things and said he would get help but then cheated and left me. As messed up as it sounds I believe it was done intentionally to drive me away.
I wish someone would have told me about just how much this disease changes people. Please educate yourself on alcoholism and look at getting support from a group such as al anon or an addiction therapist. Despite trying to help they view you as a threat to their addiction and will do anything to protect it.
I don't want to sound ominous but in my experience this can happen. Before you decide your next steps ensure you have knowledge and support in place. I wish someone had told me this.
Take care of yourself xx
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Yep. Textbook stuff here.
We just didn't know that until we go to Al_Anon etc to learn. Which proceeds to further **** them off.
I am pretty convinced my ex was also a sex addict. Once I learned about addictions, I started to plug in that sex caused her to do much of the same behavior that alcohol did. If you didn't want sex......look out....you were in trouble. Then they just go elsewhere to get it behind your back.
Not saying yours is.....but I see a LOT of connection with alcohol and sex with the stories I learn.
You see the pattern.............everything is the problem....except them.
We just didn't know that until we go to Al_Anon etc to learn. Which proceeds to further **** them off.
I am pretty convinced my ex was also a sex addict. Once I learned about addictions, I started to plug in that sex caused her to do much of the same behavior that alcohol did. If you didn't want sex......look out....you were in trouble. Then they just go elsewhere to get it behind your back.
Not saying yours is.....but I see a LOT of connection with alcohol and sex with the stories I learn.
You see the pattern.............everything is the problem....except them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 10
I really appreciate everyone's feedback here and I feel less alone now. Or less that I am the "crazy" one or the person who needs fixing.
To answer one person's question, I guess I am with this person out of habit and hoping he would change for the better. That I would be enough and loving enough for him to do better in his life.
Now that I type this out, I want to slap myself across the face. I am modeling behavior that I saw with my parents. Nondrinkers but my father was verbally abusive and my mother procrastinated so badly about leaving, it didn't happen until 30+ years into the marriage when they separated. It's a family trait to put blinders on and just try to not see the bad stuff.
I am feeling very sad and overwhelmed right now and I appreciate your support and feedback. I hope I don't have to do anything ASAP and can take my time planning what to do next.
To answer one person's question, I guess I am with this person out of habit and hoping he would change for the better. That I would be enough and loving enough for him to do better in his life.
Now that I type this out, I want to slap myself across the face. I am modeling behavior that I saw with my parents. Nondrinkers but my father was verbally abusive and my mother procrastinated so badly about leaving, it didn't happen until 30+ years into the marriage when they separated. It's a family trait to put blinders on and just try to not see the bad stuff.
I am feeling very sad and overwhelmed right now and I appreciate your support and feedback. I hope I don't have to do anything ASAP and can take my time planning what to do next.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
The 7 points you've mentioned completely remind me of my husband when he full drinking. Especially the fidgety and creating argument stuff. He was the King at blowing up and creating a huge fight so he'd have an excuse to go out and drink.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 10
With this new realization, I hope I get a chance to have my own time to process this and future "recovery" of my altered reality. Only I did not know the root of many of our problems.
Something that I struggle with, FYI, is knowing when to not take responsibility for other's problems as opposed to taking constructive criticism. Is it truly a process for the loved ones to learn about being with an alcoholic?
Thank you
Something that I struggle with, FYI, is knowing when to not take responsibility for other's problems as opposed to taking constructive criticism. Is it truly a process for the loved ones to learn about being with an alcoholic?
Thank you
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by DixieDoodle 
Something that I struggle with, FYI, is knowing when to not take responsibility for other's problems as opposed to taking constructive criticism. Is it truly a process for the loved ones to learn about being with an alcoholic?
I relate to that^^^^ I spent a long time taking all of my AH's criticism/insults to heart, and thinking, I will do better. I will be a better wife, initiate sex more, get the kids to sleep all night in their own beds... drink with him and have fun like we used to...and on an on... whatever it was that day that he wanted to blame me for. I thought if only I could just be "better" then he would not drink as much, not be so angry, and not cheat.
But I know now that is a huge load of BS. There will always be something for him to blame his behavior on... no matter what I do.
And yes, it has definitely been a process for me to learn about being with an alcoholic, and also to learn about myself, and my issues... A LONG process, that will probably continue forever.
I'm glad you're here!
Have you gone to Al-anon?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 10
Kboys, I have not gone to Al-anon yet myself at all. For my starting point, I hope these forums help out with my sharing and learning. Plus I work two jobs and find it hard to make meetings when I've tentatively thought of it in the past.
Very glad to know that none of us get the answers or strength overnight. That is actually a larger picture issue for me. I get frustrated with myself if I don't learn something right away and then I abandon project with an excuse.
I'm taking positive steps to correct that in my professional life and found myself to be more productive because I am more forgiving and encouraging of myself.
Now if I could only apply this to my personal life.
((hugs)) to all of you
Very glad to know that none of us get the answers or strength overnight. That is actually a larger picture issue for me. I get frustrated with myself if I don't learn something right away and then I abandon project with an excuse.
I'm taking positive steps to correct that in my professional life and found myself to be more productive because I am more forgiving and encouraging of myself.
Now if I could only apply this to my personal life.
((hugs)) to all of you
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
As a pretty new member of Al-Anon, I can tell you that I've experienced a lot of what you mentioned in your original post... and Al-Anon has helped, and IS still helping. I feel like a total newbie there, but there is so much information there to learn and then you start to realize things like.... wow, it really ISN'T all my fault, its a blame game. You start feeling less crazy, because there have been so many times where I have just wondered how crazy I really was after listening to AH go on and on about "me" and "my" faults. [blame shifting is what I call that].
It is a process, hang in there, you'll be amazed at how much you learn.
It is a process, hang in there, you'll be amazed at how much you learn.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
5. The littlest remark or statement about something innocent had resulted in him ranting and raving wildly and breaking items about the house. For example - I lost my hearing aid and just asked him kindly to let me know if he can across it. He ended up ranting about how I am irresponsible with money, spoiled, talked about my parents, brought up an issue that was resolved weeks ago and smashed the cable modem box.
these are signs of an abuser. someone who feels his own anger trumps everything and everyone else. and you my precious dear are in the line of fire. you may say, but he would NEVER hurt ME.....til the day he runs out of objects to smash.
he sounds simply horrid otherwise. you deserve so much better. this is NOT as good as it gets and this person sound like he's going to get the "most improved" award..............
these are signs of an abuser. someone who feels his own anger trumps everything and everyone else. and you my precious dear are in the line of fire. you may say, but he would NEVER hurt ME.....til the day he runs out of objects to smash.
he sounds simply horrid otherwise. you deserve so much better. this is NOT as good as it gets and this person sound like he's going to get the "most improved" award..............
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: OH
Posts: 57
I'd have to agree with the other posters about this being a seriousy bad relationship from what you described.
And I agree he sounds like an Alcoholic, though, I wouldn't be quick to to think all the items you listed would be magically solved if he wasn't drinking.
And I agree he sounds like an Alcoholic, though, I wouldn't be quick to to think all the items you listed would be magically solved if he wasn't drinking.
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