Does the pain ever end?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Suwanee, Ga
Posts: 31
Does the pain ever end?
It has been a while since I have posted anything; however I am on here daily for support. I have learned so much about the disease from this site. It has been 7 months since I left. I have been really trying to take care of me. I decided to get anti depressants which really helped but recently decided to come off. I was only on a very small dosage and so I tapered down. I had been doing great until last week.
I haven't had any contact with the ex. He called me from jail (yep) on Sept 15- I ignored his calls. I thought it was for DUI. I looked up the jail records and discovered it was for battery-family violence. He is calling me to help him!! I ignored him each time he called. He sent me a drunk text one night basically saying, "thanks for nothing." I replied "wtf; you call me when you are putting your hands on your new gf?" He replied. "I didn't know any other number by heart." I was furious; and it threw me off for a couple of days.
This past Wednesday I was traveling to my divorce group. I had to drive through my town that I used to live (where he still lives) to get to the area I was going to. Of all people; at all times; I saw him! He was at the liquor store. I pulled up and panicked. I was paralyzed. I got out of the car and just stood there. He came out with his vodka and beer and got into his car. I yelled out his name; he turned around and I just put my hand up like I was waving. He put his hand up and waved. I turned around and walked away. I did not go up to him; try to talk to him; text him; nor call him.
However; I did skip my group; went home and wept. I hate this disease!! Here is the man I still love; looking amazing still (he works out daily!) wearing his gym clothes. From the outside he has all of the boxes checked. He makes good money, is very good-looking; great family; very athletic; and no one would ever know he has a problem from the outside. I am standing there looking at him wondering why he isn't ragged out looking. It has been 7 months and he is drinking a ton every day but still looks better than ever. Tears just filled my eyes immediately. I still love him so very much and miss him tremendously, dream about him all the time, and we pass by like we were strangers/- someone that i used to know. :-(
It hurt so bad to see him! I just wanted to go up to him; hit his chest; scream and shake him to reality. And say "stop! Please just stop!" But, I drive off and scream at God, and the world.
I got back on my Anti-depressants the next morning. I honestly thought I would have received a text from him. Nothing. I know it is good that I didn't. I don't understand why I keep running into him! I HATE THIS DISEASE!!! I want to be over this; him. I wished I would have never met him; there has to be a lesson for me in all of this. I am learning so much about his disease but the rational knowledge doesn't do a thing for my feelings!
Please remind me that this will pass...
I haven't had any contact with the ex. He called me from jail (yep) on Sept 15- I ignored his calls. I thought it was for DUI. I looked up the jail records and discovered it was for battery-family violence. He is calling me to help him!! I ignored him each time he called. He sent me a drunk text one night basically saying, "thanks for nothing." I replied "wtf; you call me when you are putting your hands on your new gf?" He replied. "I didn't know any other number by heart." I was furious; and it threw me off for a couple of days.
This past Wednesday I was traveling to my divorce group. I had to drive through my town that I used to live (where he still lives) to get to the area I was going to. Of all people; at all times; I saw him! He was at the liquor store. I pulled up and panicked. I was paralyzed. I got out of the car and just stood there. He came out with his vodka and beer and got into his car. I yelled out his name; he turned around and I just put my hand up like I was waving. He put his hand up and waved. I turned around and walked away. I did not go up to him; try to talk to him; text him; nor call him.
However; I did skip my group; went home and wept. I hate this disease!! Here is the man I still love; looking amazing still (he works out daily!) wearing his gym clothes. From the outside he has all of the boxes checked. He makes good money, is very good-looking; great family; very athletic; and no one would ever know he has a problem from the outside. I am standing there looking at him wondering why he isn't ragged out looking. It has been 7 months and he is drinking a ton every day but still looks better than ever. Tears just filled my eyes immediately. I still love him so very much and miss him tremendously, dream about him all the time, and we pass by like we were strangers/- someone that i used to know. :-(
It hurt so bad to see him! I just wanted to go up to him; hit his chest; scream and shake him to reality. And say "stop! Please just stop!" But, I drive off and scream at God, and the world.
I got back on my Anti-depressants the next morning. I honestly thought I would have received a text from him. Nothing. I know it is good that I didn't. I don't understand why I keep running into him! I HATE THIS DISEASE!!! I want to be over this; him. I wished I would have never met him; there has to be a lesson for me in all of this. I am learning so much about his disease but the rational knowledge doesn't do a thing for my feelings!
Please remind me that this will pass...
Last edited by abitconfused; 10-16-2015 at 07:40 AM. Reason: Typos
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
((((Hugs)))) confused, yes this too shall pass and I know what you mean understanding the addiction doesn't help with how we feel, it doesn't take away the hurt and the multiple other feelings that we experience day in day out.
Like you I read everything I could to understand addiction but One thing I found was the more I read the more I was keeping the focus on him. Yes I needed to understand what alcoholism is, and all the whys and how's but once I knew that I had to stop. It's like some recovery books about addiction yes they are good but for me the more I read them the more I thought about stbxah. For me I needed to keep getting up and getting ready for my day and go through the feelings as best as I could even though many days I just wanted to stay in bed, the last 19 months have been the most difficult of my life but I keep going.
I'm glad you went back on your anti depressants if you feel that you want to come off them again please speak to your dr, they may have been a low dose but coming off them too quickly can cause a serious dip in your mood.
What do you like to do for yourself that makes you smile and helps you get away from everything?
One day at a time
Like you I read everything I could to understand addiction but One thing I found was the more I read the more I was keeping the focus on him. Yes I needed to understand what alcoholism is, and all the whys and how's but once I knew that I had to stop. It's like some recovery books about addiction yes they are good but for me the more I read them the more I thought about stbxah. For me I needed to keep getting up and getting ready for my day and go through the feelings as best as I could even though many days I just wanted to stay in bed, the last 19 months have been the most difficult of my life but I keep going.
I'm glad you went back on your anti depressants if you feel that you want to come off them again please speak to your dr, they may have been a low dose but coming off them too quickly can cause a serious dip in your mood.
What do you like to do for yourself that makes you smile and helps you get away from everything?
One day at a time
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
((((Hugs)))) confused, yes this too shall pass and I know what you mean understanding the addiction doesn't help with how we feel, it doesn't take away the hurt and the multiple other feelings that we experience day in day out.
Like you I read everything I could to understand addiction but One thing I found was the more I read the more I was keeping the focus on him. Yes I needed to understand what alcoholism is, and all the whys and how's but once I knew that I had to stop. It's like some recovery books about addiction yes they are good but for me the more I read them the more I thought about stbxah. For me I needed to keep getting up and getting ready for my day and go through the feelings as best as I could even though many days I just wanted to stay in bed, the last 19 months have been the most difficult of my life but I keep going.
I'm glad you went back on your anti depressants if you feel that you want to come off them again please speak to your dr, they may have been a low dose but coming off them too quickly can cause a serious dip in your mood.
What do you like to do for yourself that makes you smile and helps you get away from everything?
One day at a time
Like you I read everything I could to understand addiction but One thing I found was the more I read the more I was keeping the focus on him. Yes I needed to understand what alcoholism is, and all the whys and how's but once I knew that I had to stop. It's like some recovery books about addiction yes they are good but for me the more I read them the more I thought about stbxah. For me I needed to keep getting up and getting ready for my day and go through the feelings as best as I could even though many days I just wanted to stay in bed, the last 19 months have been the most difficult of my life but I keep going.
I'm glad you went back on your anti depressants if you feel that you want to come off them again please speak to your dr, they may have been a low dose but coming off them too quickly can cause a serious dip in your mood.
What do you like to do for yourself that makes you smile and helps you get away from everything?
One day at a time
One thing that is helping me is to focus on what I do have in my life and to be so grateful I am OFF the roller coaster. It hurts that my XABF "supposedly" ran off with some trampy woman who is oh so grotesque, and that he just discarded our relationship, but he is REALLY sick in the head. Just think, you don't have to deal with all that whacked crap from day to day. You can escape! You have actually. Trust me, I'm not over this yet either but it's only been a month. And I don't know your personal situation (married for years maybe etc.), so it could take you longer.
I was just in Las Vegas for business and it was wonderful because although I don't care for Las Vegas, I was with fun colleagues who made me laugh (til I almost cried) and they giggled and joked and someone said, "laughing is good for the soul" and these silly guys got me back to reality some. It allowed me to realize that I had fallen into some ridiculous pit which revolved around the complete d-bag of a guy I had been involved with. I still have my moments where I miss him, of course. But, that person I loved no longer exists and we have to accept that. You need to spend time with friends, look around you and be grateful for the family you have in your life (they may not be there one day), if you have kids imagine them grown up and gone and realize how important and precious they are now. If you even have a pet, think about how precious and short time is with your pet. Trust me. Your life is so much freaking better than your ex's - you just can't see it right now. His life is all a facade probably.
Just remind yourself daily how gloriously wonderful you are and love yourself.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Aly, I wasn't talking about this site, I'm sorry your thinking of leaving for a while, I've found so much support from those more experienced in dealing with my stbxah initially in understanding but also understanding my own behaviour and the damaging effects addiction has had on me. I have just stopped reading about alcoholism and the whys and wherefore Of how it destroys everything.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
This will absolutely pass. I promise.
But it is probably not going to happen as fast as you want it to. I am sorry for that. Accepting that recovery is a process, accepting that you are where you are, accepting help in whatever form you need it, and accepting that nothing you are feeling is wrong or shameful -- working towards these things can ease the way.
But it is probably not going to happen as fast as you want it to. I am sorry for that. Accepting that recovery is a process, accepting that you are where you are, accepting help in whatever form you need it, and accepting that nothing you are feeling is wrong or shameful -- working towards these things can ease the way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
there has to be a lesson for me in all of this.
I struggled with the above statement for quite a while.
For 5 years, I accepted his standard of life and living as my own. I substituted his ways , for mine. I allowed and accepted so much unacceptable crap, I still shake my head in disbelief, if I think about it.
Deep down inside I was aware that the dynamic was changing, but it was as if I was frozen, unable to make a move.
Awareness without action is worthless.
I can completely understand how you are currently feeling. You have suffered a loss, and emotions cannot/do not evaporate into thin air.
Sad to say holding on to the good memories, and remembering the best of times together, does not do a damn thing for your current state of mind. Best to live in your today, and not dwell on the past. The person you fell in love with, and the active alcoholic, are the same guy, they brought a third party into a two party relationship, and if they are not willing to give up that mistress, the relationship will never thrive. We cannot spend the rest of our lives hitting that brick wall at 100m.p.h. it truly hurts, every effin time.
I struggled with the above statement for quite a while.
For 5 years, I accepted his standard of life and living as my own. I substituted his ways , for mine. I allowed and accepted so much unacceptable crap, I still shake my head in disbelief, if I think about it.
Deep down inside I was aware that the dynamic was changing, but it was as if I was frozen, unable to make a move.
Awareness without action is worthless.
I can completely understand how you are currently feeling. You have suffered a loss, and emotions cannot/do not evaporate into thin air.
Sad to say holding on to the good memories, and remembering the best of times together, does not do a damn thing for your current state of mind. Best to live in your today, and not dwell on the past. The person you fell in love with, and the active alcoholic, are the same guy, they brought a third party into a two party relationship, and if they are not willing to give up that mistress, the relationship will never thrive. We cannot spend the rest of our lives hitting that brick wall at 100m.p.h. it truly hurts, every effin time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Butterfly
Aly, I wasn't talking about this site, I'm sorry your thinking of leaving for a while, I've found so much support from those more experienced in dealing with my stbxah initially in understanding but also understanding my own behaviour and the damaging effects addiction has had on me. I have just stopped reading about alcoholism and the whys and wherefore Of how it destroys everything.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Just speaking for myself, I have found it very helpful to stick around here and learn what I can from other recovering people. It's been four years since I split up with my last AXBF. At first I blamed him, felt that he was the unhealthy one and now I could move on, etc. But when I'd gotten over the initial hurt, I realized that getting involved with men who suffered from addictions and couldn't meet my needs was a pattern of MINE and I needed to do some healing in order to avoid repeating it. I had to think about how my childhood and my alcoholic parents had helped to shape me into a person who accepted unacceptable behavior, and I had to accept my share of the blame for all the bad relationships I've had as an adult. That process of thinking about myself didn't come quickly or easily. Like I said, my initial reaction was to push the blame outward. But over the past few years, I have come along way with the help of people here. The pain of the last relationship has finally passed, and I've even learned to be grateful for the lessons that relationship offered me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
abitconfused....of course, the pain will go away! Grief takes it's own time. It is a process that comes in fits and starts. Actually, I think that seeing him, feeling the feelings....having a deep cry.....are all rungs on the tree.
Grieving is the beginning of healing.
You wanted it over, already...(who doesn't).....but, 7mo. is still pretty early in the process....
Just keep doing what you are doing.....you are doing fine....
***by the way, look at some people who seem to have the world by the tail....like Lamar Odom. Didn't he look like he "had all the boxes checked"?
dandylion
Grieving is the beginning of healing.
You wanted it over, already...(who doesn't).....but, 7mo. is still pretty early in the process....
Just keep doing what you are doing.....you are doing fine....
***by the way, look at some people who seem to have the world by the tail....like Lamar Odom. Didn't he look like he "had all the boxes checked"?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
For me, recovery was two steps forward and one step back. It's a process that takes longer than any of us want. I suggest blocking his number so he can never reach you and going to Alanon, which saved my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Normal, IL
Posts: 9
I definitely understand your feelings of helplessness when you run into him. I saw my alcoholic ex out in public a couple of days ago and I hadn't seen him since I left him. You feel paralyzed and I know it hurts right now but I promise it'll get better.
I appreciate the fact that you know you have to learn a lesson from this experience. I have to remind myself of that daily. When you finally get back out there, set your standards high. Make sure the person you go to bed with at night checks all of your boxes...especially the addiction free box.
I appreciate the fact that you know you have to learn a lesson from this experience. I have to remind myself of that daily. When you finally get back out there, set your standards high. Make sure the person you go to bed with at night checks all of your boxes...especially the addiction free box.
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