Julia

My husband and I have been married just over a year (we've been together for about 4 years), and our first baby is due in three months. I've always worried about his drinking -- what he thinks is reasonable doesn't seem reasonable to me. I think he drinks about a 6-pack of beer a night (he is always shuffling the bottles out to the recycling so it's hard to know exactly how much he drinks). There is a point in the evening when I can tell by his face and his smell that he is too drunk (at least for my comfort). About once a month he drinks to the point of passing out on the couch where I cannot wake him with shaking or yelling. If I do manage to get him stumbling towards the bedroom, he tends to be beligerent and nasty. He thinks this is a normal amount to drink and that I'm just being paranoid. I am definitely very sensitive to alcoholism -- my father was an alcoholic until he killed himself, and I've seen so many of my friends' families ruined by alcoholism. Lately it has taken on a real sense of urgency because I feel like I could not trust him to take care of the baby. When I bring it up, it turns into a fight. He also seems to be addicted to porn, and sometimes I find myself just concluding he must not have enough moral character to be a good father. How do I know if I'm being too rigid or paranoid? How do you know when the drinking is too much? And if he doesn't think it's too much, how would I convince him to do anything about it?

Thanks for your help,

-Julia

bjmt

Julia,first welcome. You will find this forum very helpful and the people really do care.
I have the same sort of problems with my AH. Weekends are bad around here..as AH starts drinking on Friday night and then all weekend long. He passes out on sofa..and no amount of yelling,screaming or shaking can wake him. Like your husband..if I do manage to get AH awake and headed.... stumbling towards the bedroom, he tends to be beligerent and nasty...too! Won't go to bed and says he is competely sober. While his eyes are glazed over and his speech is mumble..mumble. His drinking bothers me.. I know he is a alcoholic and won't admit it. But then his father is a big drinker..as is one sister and one half brother. None of the rest of the family think my AH has a problem. But why would they...drinking to them is second natural. They grew up with this and know nothing else.
How to get your husband to admit he has a problem??? I really don't know what to say on this. Sure others here will have the right things to tell you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Especially now..that you are about to become a new MOM! Please keep coming back and letting everyone know what is happening.

skyleh

Hi Julia, welcome...
about 3 months before my son was born my AH stopped drinking to "prove" he did not have a problem...he was able to stop drinking..but 13 days before my son was born he started again and really hasn't stopped since....That was 4 years ago. I have been my son's primary care taker and rarely ever leave him with his father.....

You are not paranoid and you are not over-reacting. I don't know how and/or if there is anyway to get them to admit they have a problem...mine has admitted it at different times during the years just to retract it when he sees fit. If it bothers you ....its a problem.
My suggestion to you is to look into the alanon liturature and educate youself on alcoholism....its sad and its tough.....Good luck to you.

TinyVoice

Listen to your inner voice. It is correct. You are not paranoid. He has a problem. He's hiding his drinking. HE is passing out. You don't trust him with the soon to be baby. He is addicted to porn. These are all huge red flags. But it is NOT you.

huge hugs as you have these issues to deal with. but please trust your judgement more. Get to an al=anon meeting. You are going to need it.

Julia

Thank you all for your messages. It really helps to know there are supportive people out there.

I went to an Alanon meeting last night (the "beginning" kind) and I was a little disappointed. Most of the meeting was spent with people just talking about various problems they are having without any discussion of how those people could feel better about them or resolve them. I was hoping the meetings would be focused on coping strategies, ways of modifying our behavior to avoid enabling destructive pattnerns, or ways of communicating more effectively with our family members/friends with alcoholism. Are certain kinds of Alanon meetings better than others for focusing on constructive solutions?

-Julia

skyleh

Hi Julia..I too have only been to one meeting..I have been told to go back and maybe try different ones until you find one you feel comfortable in...
Good luck to you...looking for what helps you is a great start...I already feel better just focusing on me and what helps me.