Understanding triggers and relapses
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Understanding triggers and relapses
My husband quit drinking for 6 weeks, things improved for our family very quickly and we had a wonderful few weeks. Then we went on holiday. Second night in, he disappears for an hour and comes back smelling of alcohol. This happened twice more that week. Trying to be detached and not let it get to me, and so that our kids could continue to enjoy the holiday, I mentioned it but didn't engage in conversation about it. We still had a great holiday and the day after we came back he was promoted at work. The day after that, he comes home in a foul mood and tries to sneak beer into the fridge. I reminded him of what I had told him back in august, that alcohol was no longer welcome in our home and if he chose to drink he would no longer be welcome in our home either. He got rid of the beer and has been in a sulk since then. I am trying to understand how triggers work. Not necessarily so that I can try and avoid them as I know that's not possible but just so I can be aware of what might end up happening (I had no idea this might happen on holiday) and if he needs and wants my support then I can support him through it. What I don't understand is how good things - holidays/promotions - can be triggers.
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Hi ny, speaking for myself, a sober A I can see 2 triggers in your post. First was that he associates alcohol with relaxing, taking it easy, enjoying himself. The drinking back at home is probably due to him once again waking up the alcohol receptors in his brain, and the cravings that come with it. After 6 weeks the cravings were possibly dying down, but a few bouts of drinking and they're back again in force. The other factor could be stress (new job) and the need to relax after work. I assume this when he drank previously and habits can be hard to break.
All As attempting long-term sobriety need to make plans for their trigger moments and to break ingrained habits. An example might be your AH realising that holidays might be a trigger and planning some activity at the danger times, or making a point of always having a range of soft drinks on hand as substitutes. Same with the leaving work scenario.
He's not working hard enough to plan for sobriety. The passive aggressive sulk is pathetic, but not surprising, because he really wants that drink. Don't be surprised if he starts sneaking drinks on the way home to fulfil his cravings.
Good on you for standing up to him. Don't hesitate to confront the sulk thing, with 'you've been sulky since I told you alcohol isn't welcome in this house, why is that?' If he's going to act like a child, call him out on it.
All As attempting long-term sobriety need to make plans for their trigger moments and to break ingrained habits. An example might be your AH realising that holidays might be a trigger and planning some activity at the danger times, or making a point of always having a range of soft drinks on hand as substitutes. Same with the leaving work scenario.
He's not working hard enough to plan for sobriety. The passive aggressive sulk is pathetic, but not surprising, because he really wants that drink. Don't be surprised if he starts sneaking drinks on the way home to fulfil his cravings.
Good on you for standing up to him. Don't hesitate to confront the sulk thing, with 'you've been sulky since I told you alcohol isn't welcome in this house, why is that?' If he's going to act like a child, call him out on it.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi ny, speaking for myself, a sober A I can see 2 triggers in your post. First was that he associates alcohol with relaxing, taking it easy, enjoying himself. The drinking back at home is probably due to him once again waking up the alcohol receptors in his brain, and the cravings that come with it. After 6 weeks the cravings were possibly dying down, but a few bouts of drinking and they're back again in force. The other factor could be stress (new job) and the need to relax after work. I assume this when he drank previously and habits can be hard to break.
All As attempting long-term sobriety need to make plans for their trigger moments and to break ingrained habits. An example might be your AH realising that holidays might be a trigger and planning some activity at the danger times, or making a point of always having a range of soft drinks on hand as substitutes. Same with the leaving work scenario.
He's not working hard enough to plan for sobriety. The passive aggressive sulk is pathetic, but not surprising, because he really wants that drink. Don't be surprised if he starts sneaking drinks on the way home to fulfil his cravings.
Good on you for standing up to him. Don't hesitate to confront the sulk thing, with 'you've been sulky since I told you alcohol isn't welcome in this house, why is that?' If he's going to act like a child, call him out on it.
All As attempting long-term sobriety need to make plans for their trigger moments and to break ingrained habits. An example might be your AH realising that holidays might be a trigger and planning some activity at the danger times, or making a point of always having a range of soft drinks on hand as substitutes. Same with the leaving work scenario.
He's not working hard enough to plan for sobriety. The passive aggressive sulk is pathetic, but not surprising, because he really wants that drink. Don't be surprised if he starts sneaking drinks on the way home to fulfil his cravings.
Good on you for standing up to him. Don't hesitate to confront the sulk thing, with 'you've been sulky since I told you alcohol isn't welcome in this house, why is that?' If he's going to act like a child, call him out on it.
I knew that he had woken up the cravings again when he had a drink on holiday. I could see that grumpy morning mood slowly returning and it is in full swing at the moment. So much patience needed on the side of the non alcoholic spouse!!!
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Nyinabo, just remember: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It sounds like you're already familiar with this idea, but at the same time I hear you hoping that by buying him soda and acting like a true 1950s housewife, you'll be able to charm him away from the bottle. None of my attempts to distract any of my AXBFs from their addictions worked. I just wasn't that powerful.
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Nyinabo......is he white-knuckling it or is he involved in any kind of program.
Do you own the house? Can you legally kick him out if you decide to? I ask this because of the phrase "no longer welcome in this house" (if he continues to drink in the house).
So many spouses are not willing to just pack up and leave if they are told to.
Becoming truly sober is hard....very hard, for the alcoholic. It takes desire and committment on the part of the alcoholic....if they are doing it to just accomodate the demands of someone else, it is generally a short-lived affair.
Reaching for sobriety is an inside j ob.
While patience is a wonderful virtue and being supportive and not enabling is a good thing.....that, alone will not stop an alcoholic from drinking. Just like love, alone, will not do it either.
Detaching can be a good tool to give you some "emotional space".....
Drawing your own boundaries is the thing that you can control......
These are some thoughts that come to mind as I read your post.....
dandylion
Do you own the house? Can you legally kick him out if you decide to? I ask this because of the phrase "no longer welcome in this house" (if he continues to drink in the house).
So many spouses are not willing to just pack up and leave if they are told to.
Becoming truly sober is hard....very hard, for the alcoholic. It takes desire and committment on the part of the alcoholic....if they are doing it to just accomodate the demands of someone else, it is generally a short-lived affair.
Reaching for sobriety is an inside j ob.
While patience is a wonderful virtue and being supportive and not enabling is a good thing.....that, alone will not stop an alcoholic from drinking. Just like love, alone, will not do it either.
Detaching can be a good tool to give you some "emotional space".....
Drawing your own boundaries is the thing that you can control......
These are some thoughts that come to mind as I read your post.....
dandylion
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As a recovering Double Winner, I have to say...stay on your side of the street. All this ruminating over his issue, trying to figure out what's in his head, trying to pre-plan and make everything safe for him. Don't bother. Worry about you. He has his own stuff to worry about and nothing bugs me more than someone trying to manage my life for me. It's so annoying, and it feels like someone trying to steal my dignity.
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I read this last night & it was an AHA moment about how relapses can be triggered by the most surprising things:
Those positive trigger-y moments RAH had in early recovery always caught me off guard & I tended to overreact like a true Codie for a while. (The negative triggers I understood.) But this makes SENSE because, like she explains - you can't numb away the bad feelings without also numbing away the good ones. That leaves a person with no capacity to regulate emotions at all - an emotional toddler in a grown body.
Beyond that - I wouldn't give his triggers much of your time or concern. You can't possibly anticipate everything & feeling like you should can keep you trapped/attached in a feeling of personal obligation & failure. This is stuff for HIM to work through in his own recovery.
It's also exactly why you will benefit from continuing work on your own side of the street. You can't control if/when/where he does or doesn't relapse - but you don't have to ride that roller coaster with him. What are you doing solely for YOU these days?
"Joy is as thorny and sharp as any of the dark emotions...... When we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy. In fact, addiction research shows us that an intensely positive experience is as likely to cause relapse as an intensely painful experience.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Beyond that - I wouldn't give his triggers much of your time or concern. You can't possibly anticipate everything & feeling like you should can keep you trapped/attached in a feeling of personal obligation & failure. This is stuff for HIM to work through in his own recovery.
It's also exactly why you will benefit from continuing work on your own side of the street. You can't control if/when/where he does or doesn't relapse - but you don't have to ride that roller coaster with him. What are you doing solely for YOU these days?
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
Thanks for your reply, v supportive! I hadn't even thought about offering an alternative drink/activity.
By all means stock up on soft drink, it can't do any harm. But it sounds like he's already relapsed, so he might be drinking before he gets home.
Do you feel confident to talk to him about his sulking and grumpiness?
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Originally Posted by jjj111
Nyinabo, just remember: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It sounds like you're already familiar with this idea, but at the same time I hear you hoping that by buying him soda and acting like a true 1950s housewife, you'll be able to charm him away from the bottle. None of my attempts to distract any of my AXBFs from their addictions worked. I just wasn't that powerful.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know my ex would talk about rewarding himself and justifying why he could drink/use drugs. He would convince himself that he worked hard all week, he deserved a vacation – he deserved to relax and reward himself with a drink or to or smoke pot or whatever.
It was only when he became involved with a program (again) that his thinking changed and most important accept that he had a problem.
BUT even after years of program/counseling he would relapse and each relapse was worse than the one before.
This disease is life long, not just something that can be taken care of with abstinence or some meetings or a trip to a rehab. The individual has to have a true commitment to themselves to remain sober each and every single day – day by day and the willingness to do whatever it may take to remain sober.
My ex could remain clean/sober for years but then one bad decision was all it took for him to relapse and sadly those bad decision became his norm.
Have you given any thought to al-anon for you? Any counseling for just you?
It was only when he became involved with a program (again) that his thinking changed and most important accept that he had a problem.
BUT even after years of program/counseling he would relapse and each relapse was worse than the one before.
This disease is life long, not just something that can be taken care of with abstinence or some meetings or a trip to a rehab. The individual has to have a true commitment to themselves to remain sober each and every single day – day by day and the willingness to do whatever it may take to remain sober.
My ex could remain clean/sober for years but then one bad decision was all it took for him to relapse and sadly those bad decision became his norm.
Have you given any thought to al-anon for you? Any counseling for just you?
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I read this last night & it was an AHA moment about how relapses can be triggered by the most surprising things:
Those positive trigger-y moments RAH had in early recovery always caught me off guard & I tended to overreact like a true Codie for a while. (The negative triggers I understood.) But this makes SENSE because, like she explains - you can't numb away the bad feelings without also numbing away the good ones. That leaves a person with no capacity to regulate emotions at all - an emotional toddler in a grown body.
Beyond that - I wouldn't give his triggers much of your time or concern. You can't possibly anticipate everything & feeling like you should can keep you trapped/attached in a feeling of personal obligation & failure. This is stuff for HIM to work through in his own recovery.
It's also exactly why you will benefit from continuing work on your own side of the street. You can't control if/when/where he does or doesn't relapse - but you don't have to ride that roller coaster with him. What are you doing solely for YOU these days?
Those positive trigger-y moments RAH had in early recovery always caught me off guard & I tended to overreact like a true Codie for a while. (The negative triggers I understood.) But this makes SENSE because, like she explains - you can't numb away the bad feelings without also numbing away the good ones. That leaves a person with no capacity to regulate emotions at all - an emotional toddler in a grown body.
Beyond that - I wouldn't give his triggers much of your time or concern. You can't possibly anticipate everything & feeling like you should can keep you trapped/attached in a feeling of personal obligation & failure. This is stuff for HIM to work through in his own recovery.
It's also exactly why you will benefit from continuing work on your own side of the street. You can't control if/when/where he does or doesn't relapse - but you don't have to ride that roller coaster with him. What are you doing solely for YOU these days?
Hmm, it's tricky to do anything solely for me at the moment with 2 very young kids at home with me and barely any time. The holiday I booked was really for myself!!
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Originally Posted by atalose
Have you given any thought to al-anon for you? Any counseling for just you?
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
This totally makes sense, have you seen the Pixar film inside out? It makes this exact point, loved that film!
Hmm, it's tricky to do anything solely for me at the moment with 2 very young kids at home with me and barely any time. The holiday I booked was really for myself!!
Hmm, it's tricky to do anything solely for me at the moment with 2 very young kids at home with me and barely any time. The holiday I booked was really for myself!!
It IS tricky with small kids & all the more important for the same reason..... lol. ANYTHING is better than nothing though, ok? A bubble bath after they're down for the night, an indulgent treat, a new book, a meeting, getting a sitter for a few hours & spending time with friends. Don't forget about your own oxygen mask first!
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
I probably didn't come across as sarcastic as I felt when I said the 1950s housewife thing but fair point anyway, it is his responsibility to find himself distractions. In the good 6 weeks of sobriety he did thank me for not just giving up on him and for being so supportive. I struggle to find the balance between being supportive and going too far in taking on what is his responsibility.
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Originally Posted by NoelleR
Back in the day, we who were in recovery didn't call them trigger; that term wasn't even in use yet; we called them what they are.......................: EXCUSES.
(o:
(o:
Anyway good news is he has not had a full blown relapse, he didn't drink last night and I see from the bank statement that he returned the beer he bought back to the shop the night I called him out. Which means he hasn't drunk since our holiday. Even better is that I didn't pick a fight with him over it, I said what I wanted to calmly and left the room. And last night I didn't go 1950s housewife and buy his soft drinks
(but I did make his favourite soup!)
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Nyinabo....there is an article that I believe would be very helpful for you to read, right now.....it is up in the stickies section----the ones listed just above the threads on the main page.
Go to the section called "Classic Readings" and scroll down until you find the article titled: "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
It will offer you a sort of yardstick.......
dandylion
***about the drinking at the "good times"......alcohol is often associated with celebration in this culture. For someone who has had alcohol as a part of their life, especially, there is the ;tendency to associate alcohol with good feelings. Associations can trigger strong cravings in the brain.
I have never eaten smores except at camping----ever! However, as soon as I plan a camping trip---I have got smores on the brain!!.....lol
Go to the section called "Classic Readings" and scroll down until you find the article titled: "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
It will offer you a sort of yardstick.......
dandylion
***about the drinking at the "good times"......alcohol is often associated with celebration in this culture. For someone who has had alcohol as a part of their life, especially, there is the ;tendency to associate alcohol with good feelings. Associations can trigger strong cravings in the brain.
I have never eaten smores except at camping----ever! However, as soon as I plan a camping trip---I have got smores on the brain!!.....lol
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