Himself's Last Binge
 

My husband died Sunday. We were separated and living apart but improving our relationship as his sobriety became stronger and I learned more productive ways to process his past behaviors. He was still terminally ill but actually appeared to be doing a little better, so we were hopeful for the future. But then we were disappointed last week to learn he had a new diagnosis—cancer-- aaaaand he started drinking again. On Sunday, since I hadn’t heard from him since Friday, I went to the house to check on him. I found him upstairs in the bed. He was still alive, barely, so I called 911 and began CPR. But by the time they arrived, it was clear he had died. It was also clear he’d been on one helluva binge—three days judging by the mail and papers piled upon the porch. The house was awful; when I first entered, I thought he’d been burgled, murdered, vandalized and ransacked, with furniture tumbled, household items broken, and blood, urine and feces everywhere. There had to have been at least 50 empty beer bottles on the first floor alone. I cannot imagine what the last couple days of his life were like. (To be truthful, that is probably a mercy. I don’t think I want to know.)

I am….I am…..I don’t know what I am right now. I have so many emotions, some of them contradictory, and all of them completely overwhelming. It wasn’t exactly a shock, because there were many times in the past when I’d gone in expecting to see him dead at the bottom of the stairs. But that was in the PAST, not now, and I just couldn’t believe it. I felt so guilty that I hadn’t gone sooner, because less than a half-hour might have made a difference in the outcome. I felt shame, because the first responders were my friends, and they worked so hard and so long to bring him back, for me, and they were distraught and tearful when they couldn’t. Of course I feel anger. But the GRIEF, oh-my-god.

I don’t know what to do from here.

I am so sorry for you and your family. Evil, evil disease.

Let that guilt go - you had no part in it, and please be so good to yourself.

(((HUGS)))

My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry. You can cling to the guilt related to that half hour if you feel you must, but considering your description of the house when you arrived, it sounds like he had chosen his path when he picked up again. I know it feels like in the aftermath of an event as traumatic as this that we must DO SOMETHING, but blaming ourselves for perceived mistakes is just our need for control kicking in under circumstances in which there is nothing to do.

Oh, Andrea, I'm so sorry to hear that. That is just heartbreaking.
Sending you big hugs and thinking of you.
I'm glad you're here.

((((((((((Andrea))))))))) I wish I had great words of wisdom but all I can think of is that it's ok to let go of those feelings & feel them fully. Grief will come in waves, I'm guessing, along with anger.

But please don't beat yourself up with undeserved guilt over not being there sooner. Giving him the dignity of his own decisions & choices is the very best thing that you could have done, the most difficult type of respect to give.
:grouphug:

Oh God I am so sorry. I hate alcoholism. Please, please don't blame yourself. It is possible he deliberately gave up and didn't care if he survived the binge. Unfortunately, you won't know. But, you did have some good days in the end. Remember them.

I'm so incredibly sorry for alcoholism....I hate this disease more than anything!! You are not to blame one bit-and I cannot imagine your grief....please don't play the "what if I had done..." game.....this had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I'm so sorry. Prayers for you today and going forward.

I'm so sorry Andrea. To have it turn like this when his sobriety was getting stronger is heartbreaking. But, of course, none of this was your fault. You did your best. Probably much more than many others could have.

I'll keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers. ((((((((hugs))))))))

Andrea I am so sorry for your loss.

Sending you peace and healing.

Bless your dear dear heart, how very sad.

I am so very, very sorry he died. My heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry Andrea.
Please take care of you--

I am very, very sorry to hear this. My husband and I were separated as well, living apart when he passed away six months ago at the age of 42.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I cried reading your post. I'm sure the entire community mourns with you...for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep coming back to the forum, we can support you to the best of our ability.

Sending you lots of hugs and healing vibes. I am so sorry.

My dear POAndrea, I am so so sorry for the tragedy you are dealing with.

What is most important is that you understand - and believe - that you, singlehandedly, could not change the course of your husband's life. We all like to think that we have power to make someone else's life better, but we really don't. Once you start into the "if only a half an hour sooner" frame of thought, it takes you to question so many "if only's" - "if only he hadn't been an alcoholic", "if only he hadn't had a cancer diagnosis", "if only he had healed enough emotionally to have coped with this", and that just goes on and ont and takes us to desperate places. The real choices were his, and it is devastating and tragic that he chose what he did.

The truth, as many of us who love addicts and alcoholics have to accept, is that

We didn't cause it;
We can't control it;
And we can't cure it.

That doesn't in any mitigate the grief, and the profound loss, especially when your future together was more hopeful than it had been. But it doesn't make it your fault or your responsibility that he died.

I am so so very sorry for your loss.

Take care, and be gentle and loving with yourself. We are here for you in any way we can be.

May God be with him, and may his soul now be at peace.

ShootingStar1

I am so sorry to hear this Andrea, and I echo Shooting star. The what if game isn't applicable. Nobody knows what would have happened a half hour, a half day or a day before.

I am sorry it happened, I pray for your family. I don't believe that death is an ending, rather a return to someplace much better than here where there is no illness and addiction, and your husband is free of that.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I agree with the others about the "what ifs."

Be gentle with yourself and accept help when its offered is the best I can tell you right now. My AH died 2 months ago under similar circumstances.

Alcoholism is tragic. My prayers are with you.

I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you today.

I am so sorry for your loss Andrea :hug: