Himself's Last Binge
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm sorry it happened that way Andrea. It sounds like he chose his own way of departing this world, but like many As, didn't think about the effect on others. I hope you find peace.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Sending prayers and gentle hugs for you.
((((Andrea))))
How are you doing today? Do you have in-person support around you?
Keep it simple. Bring an awareness to your needs. You don't have to deal with everything at once. It's okay to acknowledge things and choose to deal with some of them when you're more fit, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
May the good memories bring moments of joy in your life. The pain doesn't need to strip away or block what was loving and wonderful. Grieve as you need to. That's okay, too. It's okay to not be okay.
Ktf
((((Andrea))))
How are you doing today? Do you have in-person support around you?
Keep it simple. Bring an awareness to your needs. You don't have to deal with everything at once. It's okay to acknowledge things and choose to deal with some of them when you're more fit, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
May the good memories bring moments of joy in your life. The pain doesn't need to strip away or block what was loving and wonderful. Grieve as you need to. That's okay, too. It's okay to not be okay.
Ktf
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2
My sympathies - fellow widow
Dear Andrea,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am a widow, too, and discovered my husband dead in his bedroom (sudden cardiac arrest) just 15 minutes after we had been walking in our yard. He was not a substance abuser, so I realize you have many, many other layers emotion to deal with. I just want to say: I went through horrible guilt that I was not able to save my husband's life (tried to revive him with CPR -- too late). It haunted me for months. So much guilt on top of grief is a dreadful combination I would not wish on my worst enemy. What helped me was talking weekly to a trained grief counselor, who finally, finally led me to see that it wasn't my fault and to let it go. I finally did, which helped tremendously. I still had grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (which still troubles me 3.5 years later), but at least the guilt is gone. If your circumstances allow it, please consider grief counseling. It truly helps. Also, reaching out to and relying on friends and family helped tremendously. People were so kind. In the end, that was what pulled me through, and I made some dear friends in the process. My heart is with you.
Isabel
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am a widow, too, and discovered my husband dead in his bedroom (sudden cardiac arrest) just 15 minutes after we had been walking in our yard. He was not a substance abuser, so I realize you have many, many other layers emotion to deal with. I just want to say: I went through horrible guilt that I was not able to save my husband's life (tried to revive him with CPR -- too late). It haunted me for months. So much guilt on top of grief is a dreadful combination I would not wish on my worst enemy. What helped me was talking weekly to a trained grief counselor, who finally, finally led me to see that it wasn't my fault and to let it go. I finally did, which helped tremendously. I still had grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (which still troubles me 3.5 years later), but at least the guilt is gone. If your circumstances allow it, please consider grief counseling. It truly helps. Also, reaching out to and relying on friends and family helped tremendously. People were so kind. In the end, that was what pulled me through, and I made some dear friends in the process. My heart is with you.
Isabel
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Just know that NONE of this is your fault. There is nothing you could have done to save him. He made the choice to go on a bender, not you. He knew what could happen if he did. Its just devastating to everyone he leaves behind. Please don't beat yourself up over it. You did the very best you could with the circumstances you were dealt. You could not possible watch over him 24/7 nor should that have been your responsibility. I wish you peace and comfort during this difficult time. Take time for yourself to grieve. Hugs to you. It is heartbreaking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Thank you for asking after my welfare, all you wonderful SR friends. I am lucky to be surrounded by friends, family, and coworkers who are incredibly supportive. I am doing better, almost well at times. So many feelings, and sometimes just out of nowhere . I've found it's better for me to deal with them just as they are. They come in waves and I am practicing recognizing and responding to each one as productively as I can . Some days are better than others--yesterday was particularly difficult. I retrieved his ashes from the funeral home and apportioned them so we could share and scatter them how he wanted. I was gobsmacked to see just how small the cremains were. It is inconceivable how such a larger-than-life man could possibly be shrunk down to fit into what is essentially a half-gallon milk jug. I know I am going to struggle when it comes time to hand them off, because I'm not quite ready to let him go. Unhealthy as it is, and I'd never admit it anywhere but here, I slept with the big urn next to me in the bed, one last time.
I am doing much better with the guilt, and the what-if's. I'm confident I did everything I could do, on that day and many others over the years. Of course I wish I had been kinder, but it really wouldn't have made a difference in the end. I truly understand that even if I'd effected another outcome this time, there's no guarantee I could pull it off the next time. And there would have been a next time.
But I can say now I know it will not always be like this, and really believe it, in my heart as well as my head. And I think that means all will be well.
I am doing much better with the guilt, and the what-if's. I'm confident I did everything I could do, on that day and many others over the years. Of course I wish I had been kinder, but it really wouldn't have made a difference in the end. I truly understand that even if I'd effected another outcome this time, there's no guarantee I could pull it off the next time. And there would have been a next time.
But I can say now I know it will not always be like this, and really believe it, in my heart as well as my head. And I think that means all will be well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Okay, OT here a bit, but need to rant. Three days after my husband died, I broke my foot and received treatment at the ER. I was still a bit frazzled and had an anxiety attack during the exam (Thought I was keeping my sh!t together, but when they took vitals at discharge my pulse of 138 and bp 168 over 96 which is reallyreally high for me kinda gave it away.) Doc gave me a shot, a script for a few days of benzos, and a referral to a grief counselor. I just reviewed my online health record for that hospital visit and learned she diagnosed me with "complicated grief." Tears and anxiety just days after a spouse's sudden death is "complicated"? I know there was a big kerfluffle in the last DSM overhaul about reducing "normal" grief period from two years to one year, to even six months in some instances, but 72 HOURS? AYFKM?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
oh wow - how can they put a 'normal' timeline on grief anyway?! IMO - the word normal in and of itself is half the reason we are codies - we have this unrealistic measuring system FOR OURSELVES....far above that we have for others.
Keep taking care of yourself - I hope your foot is better.
Meds and counseling - 72 hours after a loss.....SMDH. You sound pretty well despite all you've been through to me.
(((HUGS)))
Keep taking care of yourself - I hope your foot is better.
Meds and counseling - 72 hours after a loss.....SMDH. You sound pretty well despite all you've been through to me.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Firstly my heartfelt sympathy goes out to you. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I am glad you are finding strength love and support here at this terrible time.
I can only imagine what you re going through right now......please take good care of yourself and the rest will eventually follow.
Take care wishing you strength love hope and compassion....it's a tough road ahead. Phiz
I am glad you are finding strength love and support here at this terrible time.
I can only imagine what you re going through right now......please take good care of yourself and the rest will eventually follow.
Take care wishing you strength love hope and compassion....it's a tough road ahead. Phiz
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