Starting to see how he operates
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Starting to see how he operates
25 years of marriage to an alcoholic, that i didn't realize was an alcoholic until a few months ago, i am starting to see how he operates a bit more clearly. especially as i am beginning to not focus on him and only try and focus on me. which is quite a daunting task. i look forward to that being my norm. in time.
today a client questioned us about something and i asked how he was going to answer her. he made up this crazy story. in the end he told her something that was basically the truth. a few hours later something quite similar came up and he came up with another convoluted story. i said to him, wow you are quite adept at this story fabrication thing. he said i know i'm good at it (seriously, he didn't get it, he was proud). i said, you know that's what you've done in the marriage all of these years. he said nothing else. i realized it's how he operates when he has to deal with confrontation. he lies.
then over the weekend, i decided for some reason to bust my self worth down more than it already was, and asked him to do things. go to the movies, to dinner, to lunch, to the beach, for a walk...no, no, no, no. but he did want to go see his aa buds and go see my stepfather who is dying. i said you really don't want to be with me. he said don't you get it? i just want to be alone. i want to live alone and be alone. i want to be alone. i said that's interesting because when you were first in recovery you told me how when you were drinking you would do whatever it takes to be alone so you could drink. you thrived on being alone. i guess that hasn't changed.
i see now, that he can lose weight, dress great, eat healthy, etc., but still be in pain on the inside and not address his issues. he tells everyone how great he feels and its the best he's felt in his whole life. i have clients calling me constantly saying how great he looks. meanwhile, his inside is still a mess.
i guess it made me realize that staying with him is not the answer. he has a lot of work to do, as do I. but i'm not sure he's willing to do his part and that's what i need to remember. i need to keep moving forward, as hard as that is.
today a client questioned us about something and i asked how he was going to answer her. he made up this crazy story. in the end he told her something that was basically the truth. a few hours later something quite similar came up and he came up with another convoluted story. i said to him, wow you are quite adept at this story fabrication thing. he said i know i'm good at it (seriously, he didn't get it, he was proud). i said, you know that's what you've done in the marriage all of these years. he said nothing else. i realized it's how he operates when he has to deal with confrontation. he lies.
then over the weekend, i decided for some reason to bust my self worth down more than it already was, and asked him to do things. go to the movies, to dinner, to lunch, to the beach, for a walk...no, no, no, no. but he did want to go see his aa buds and go see my stepfather who is dying. i said you really don't want to be with me. he said don't you get it? i just want to be alone. i want to live alone and be alone. i want to be alone. i said that's interesting because when you were first in recovery you told me how when you were drinking you would do whatever it takes to be alone so you could drink. you thrived on being alone. i guess that hasn't changed.
i see now, that he can lose weight, dress great, eat healthy, etc., but still be in pain on the inside and not address his issues. he tells everyone how great he feels and its the best he's felt in his whole life. i have clients calling me constantly saying how great he looks. meanwhile, his inside is still a mess.
i guess it made me realize that staying with him is not the answer. he has a lot of work to do, as do I. but i'm not sure he's willing to do his part and that's what i need to remember. i need to keep moving forward, as hard as that is.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm so sorry you are hurting.
This. Whether it is for now, or forever - THIS. Please focus ion this and that you need to take care of yourself.
He is telling you straight up he wants to be alone.
But then you think this ^^
THAT is our codie voice warping what someone is telling us and showing us.
He is NOT willing to do his part for your marriage. It is SO hard to let go - and I can't even imagine after 25 years of marriage. I'm so sorry you are hurting. We have to accept that they are the person they show us - especially when their words actually line up with their actions. I know it might not feel that way, but You are LUCKY! SO MANY alcoholics lie about wanting to get better, lie about getting better, and lie about staying well, just to keep their partners sucked in to the relationship.
Yours is flat out telling you he is not the partner for you, and he wants to be alone. PLease listen, and be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, treat yourself, and help yourself. (((HUGS)))) to you.
then over the weekend, i decided for some reason to bust my self worth down more than it already was, and asked him to do things. go to the movies, to dinner, to lunch, to the beach, for a walk...no, no, no, no. but he did want to go see his aa buds and go see my stepfather who is dying. i said you really don't want to be with me. he said don't you get it? i just want to be alone. i want to live alone and be alone. i want to be alone. i guess it made me realize that staying with him is not the answer.
This. Whether it is for now, or forever - THIS. Please focus ion this and that you need to take care of yourself.
He is telling you straight up he wants to be alone.
but i'm not sure he's willing to do his part and that's what i need to remember.
THAT is our codie voice warping what someone is telling us and showing us.
He is NOT willing to do his part for your marriage. It is SO hard to let go - and I can't even imagine after 25 years of marriage. I'm so sorry you are hurting. We have to accept that they are the person they show us - especially when their words actually line up with their actions. I know it might not feel that way, but You are LUCKY! SO MANY alcoholics lie about wanting to get better, lie about getting better, and lie about staying well, just to keep their partners sucked in to the relationship.
Yours is flat out telling you he is not the partner for you, and he wants to be alone. PLease listen, and be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, treat yourself, and help yourself. (((HUGS)))) to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I finally listened to and ACCEPTED the words "I just want to be alone" after 9 years with my first husband after years of "if I just did this, he'd be happy - if I just did that, he'd be happy". I was a Codie poster child. It took years to build up my self-esteem to be "worthy" of another's love (Blech! Insert sarcasm here but that's really how I felt!) It's a journey and a process for self-love/worth/respect and there's no one size fits all to get it. I wish you well on YOUR journey.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I can't tell you how many times I heard "I just want to be alone" during my marriage. Literally, can't count. Usually a minute later the I love you's started and of course when I brought up anything the next day (ahem, my sincere concern that he wanted to be alone and leave his wife and kids) I was met with anger or blame to me (maybe if I was a better wife, etc). Ugh-I'm sorry you're going through this-it's tough and it hurts. But he is who he is showing you he is. Peace to you 
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