Falling apart
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by alybally 
I do believe my story is slightly different though and maybe I'm in denial but both my therapist and mother (who is a blunt no holds barred person) both believe he truly loved me and did his best to make a go of it, but just couldn't stave off the addiction.
Aly, this is true of nearly every addict. Both love & addiction can live in the same space, they just can't both flourish. We've ALL lived that, this is not unique, but thinking that it is will hold you back from healing.
Truth is you got involved with an active addict. It's like jumping into a swimming pool that doesn't have signs alerting you of the depth... and suddenly, at the worst moment, you realize it's much deeper than you could have imagined.
Originally Posted by alybally
He kept telling me early on "I'm pushing you away because I know I'm starting to struggle and I need to protect you from me." Even in July he said "I'm protecting you and me from us." He also said early on that I needed to detach but then at times would beg me to please hang on. He was torn. He would wobble back and forth but often put his foot down and said he wanted to see me but that he couldn't cave in because he needed to protect me rather than think about what he wanted. This theme was until he really started spiraling fast and hard. That's when he turned mean. Before that he would just withdraw and come back every few weeks trying again. Finally in late July he made the bad turn. This was around the time his friendship started with the trashy girl according to mama bear. By mid August he was drinking all the time and he started calling me more and more. By September, he'd lost it all and became the threatening hostile nightmare.
Here's another truth - you don't really know him as well as you think you do. You know the addiction. You know what he was willing to show you. You know what you have assumed & pieced together based on his intentions & promises.
None of that is reality. I'm sorry you are struggling but you have got to stop focusing on him & all the questions none of us can answer because the answer to every question becomes, "because he's an active addict, protecting his addiction".
It really sounds like you'd be better off digging into the roots of your past betrayals so you can learn to avoid those types of relationships in the future. You were together for a year, with addiction running the show for at least half of that time. Is it really about him or about why you're so willing to go all-in with him so early, despite the repeated, literal warnings he was giving you? What is it that made YOU pursue this instead of deciding then that you deserved better? Just food for thought...
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Aly, this is true of nearly every addict. Both love & addiction can live in the same space, they just can't both flourish. We've ALL lived that, this is not unique, but thinking that it is will hold you back from healing.
Truth is you got involved with an active addict. It's like jumping into a swimming pool that doesn't have signs alerting you of the depth... and suddenly, at the worst moment, you realize it's much deeper than you could have imagined.
Quack, quack, quack, quack. It's just nonsense Aly, I'm sorry. It's a lot of misdirection but the truth is as simple as HE IS AN ACTIVE ADDICT.
Here's another truth - you don't really know him as well as you think you do. You know the addiction. You know what he was willing to show you. You know what you have assumed & pieced together based on his intentions & promises.
None of that is reality. I'm sorry you are struggling but you have got to stop focusing on him & all the questions none of us can answer because the answer to every question becomes, "because he's an active addict, protecting his addiction".
It really sounds like you'd be better off digging into the roots of your past betrayals so you can learn to avoid those types of relationships in the future. You were together for a year, with addiction running the show for at least half of that time. Is it really about him or about why you're so willing to go all-in with him so early, despite the repeated, literal warnings he was giving you? What is it that made YOU pursue this instead of deciding then that you deserved better? Just food for thought...
Truth is you got involved with an active addict. It's like jumping into a swimming pool that doesn't have signs alerting you of the depth... and suddenly, at the worst moment, you realize it's much deeper than you could have imagined.
Quack, quack, quack, quack. It's just nonsense Aly, I'm sorry. It's a lot of misdirection but the truth is as simple as HE IS AN ACTIVE ADDICT.
Here's another truth - you don't really know him as well as you think you do. You know the addiction. You know what he was willing to show you. You know what you have assumed & pieced together based on his intentions & promises.
None of that is reality. I'm sorry you are struggling but you have got to stop focusing on him & all the questions none of us can answer because the answer to every question becomes, "because he's an active addict, protecting his addiction".
It really sounds like you'd be better off digging into the roots of your past betrayals so you can learn to avoid those types of relationships in the future. You were together for a year, with addiction running the show for at least half of that time. Is it really about him or about why you're so willing to go all-in with him so early, despite the repeated, literal warnings he was giving you? What is it that made YOU pursue this instead of deciding then that you deserved better? Just food for thought...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Maybe "the outward appearance of success" is part of the problem.
Lots of so-called "successful" people have serious baggage.
It's like they put everything into public accolades and status to try and fill some hole in themselves.
They attract partners to be their accessory, to show the world
they have it all.
But really they don't have anything but a fancy facade and they are hurt and broken inside.
Success may mean a humble exterior but a wealthy heart,
overflowing with love and empathy.
I think those types are very much out there but often overlooked.
Lots of so-called "successful" people have serious baggage.
It's like they put everything into public accolades and status to try and fill some hole in themselves.
They attract partners to be their accessory, to show the world
they have it all.
But really they don't have anything but a fancy facade and they are hurt and broken inside.
Success may mean a humble exterior but a wealthy heart,
overflowing with love and empathy.
I think those types are very much out there but often overlooked.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Maybe "the outward appearance of success" is part of the problem.
Lots of so-called "successful" people have serious baggage.
It's like they put everything into public accolades and status to try and fill some hole in themselves.
They attract partners to be their accessory, to show the world
they have it all.
But really they don't have anything but a fancy facade and they are hurt and broken inside.
Success may mean a humble exterior but a wealthy heart,
overflowing with love and empathy.
I think those types are very much out there but often overlooked.
Lots of so-called "successful" people have serious baggage.
It's like they put everything into public accolades and status to try and fill some hole in themselves.
They attract partners to be their accessory, to show the world
they have it all.
But really they don't have anything but a fancy facade and they are hurt and broken inside.
Success may mean a humble exterior but a wealthy heart,
overflowing with love and empathy.
I think those types are very much out there but often overlooked.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Have faith Aly.
You aren't the first and won't be the last that experiences this kind of thing.
Not all guys are disappointments. There are lots of guys that feel that way about women but of course there are good and bad on both sides.
Let your feelings guide you. Love doesn't hurt. Simple as that.
Whether he loved you or not I'm not sure. Maybe to the capacity he could, but you are right, it doesn't really matter at this point in time because it won't change anything. People are complex, it is impossible to find the exact answers to everything we need. Sometimes they themselves don't even know. It is what it is but don't let it define you and don't give up on people.
That would be a real shame, because there are lots of loving kind non-addicted people out there to be found.
Have faith!
You aren't the first and won't be the last that experiences this kind of thing.
Not all guys are disappointments. There are lots of guys that feel that way about women but of course there are good and bad on both sides.
Let your feelings guide you. Love doesn't hurt. Simple as that.
Whether he loved you or not I'm not sure. Maybe to the capacity he could, but you are right, it doesn't really matter at this point in time because it won't change anything. People are complex, it is impossible to find the exact answers to everything we need. Sometimes they themselves don't even know. It is what it is but don't let it define you and don't give up on people.
That would be a real shame, because there are lots of loving kind non-addicted people out there to be found.
Have faith!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Aly,
Here is my E,S and H.
Had a crazy "soulmate" too... fireworks, passion, looks, personality, charisma and charm, charm, charm. Could charm the birds from the trees and sell ice to eskimos. Oh there were red flags (sober but alcoholic history) but like you I was the "ONE" and of course, I believed that WE would be different.
That was 8 years ago and I finally had to save myself 4 years ago by letting him go to what I imagined would be his death by alcohol. He is a chronic relapser and is either doing great or is a jail, hospital or broke in the street but he continues to survive somehow despite his insane choices.
What I learned that helped me find my way out from my own addiction to him was knowledge that brought freedom... you see our obsessions and emotions are all driven by chemicals...brain chemicals. Our brains are not often our friend and our heart that part of us that "feels" is in our brain and by our thoughts we feed our "heart" in our brain.
What you think creates neural pathways which either change your emotions or entrench them deeper. We come what we think or imagine...so you must retrain your brain by controlling your thoughts and eventually day by day the thoughts become less often...the pain lessens and the day comes you don't think of him and that stretches into two...and on and on.
Plenty of information on this on the web... its the way out my dear.
I thought of this when I read your post because I had to block him 3 days ago and I REALIZED I had forgotten about his insane drunken call trying to get me send him money. I don't know if he is alive or dead and its probably 50/50 but I let him go to God and I am free from the obsession.
Lastly...my life is wonderful! Lots of great friends and a full life but deliberately not a man in my life. Not because I can't have one but I just don't want the hassle of a relationship... and that is the key to everything. If you are happy with yourself and being alone relationships don't become life and death as they often "feel" in a breakup. And most relationships break up without alcohol!
So... keep thinking good thoughts and immediately stop thinking about HIM when those thoughts come... get some new neural pathways grooving in your brain and you will be on your way.
Here is my E,S and H.
Had a crazy "soulmate" too... fireworks, passion, looks, personality, charisma and charm, charm, charm. Could charm the birds from the trees and sell ice to eskimos. Oh there were red flags (sober but alcoholic history) but like you I was the "ONE" and of course, I believed that WE would be different.
That was 8 years ago and I finally had to save myself 4 years ago by letting him go to what I imagined would be his death by alcohol. He is a chronic relapser and is either doing great or is a jail, hospital or broke in the street but he continues to survive somehow despite his insane choices.
What I learned that helped me find my way out from my own addiction to him was knowledge that brought freedom... you see our obsessions and emotions are all driven by chemicals...brain chemicals. Our brains are not often our friend and our heart that part of us that "feels" is in our brain and by our thoughts we feed our "heart" in our brain.
What you think creates neural pathways which either change your emotions or entrench them deeper. We come what we think or imagine...so you must retrain your brain by controlling your thoughts and eventually day by day the thoughts become less often...the pain lessens and the day comes you don't think of him and that stretches into two...and on and on.
Plenty of information on this on the web... its the way out my dear.
I thought of this when I read your post because I had to block him 3 days ago and I REALIZED I had forgotten about his insane drunken call trying to get me send him money. I don't know if he is alive or dead and its probably 50/50 but I let him go to God and I am free from the obsession.
Lastly...my life is wonderful! Lots of great friends and a full life but deliberately not a man in my life. Not because I can't have one but I just don't want the hassle of a relationship... and that is the key to everything. If you are happy with yourself and being alone relationships don't become life and death as they often "feel" in a breakup. And most relationships break up without alcohol!
So... keep thinking good thoughts and immediately stop thinking about HIM when those thoughts come... get some new neural pathways grooving in your brain and you will be on your way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by maybear
Have faith Aly.
You aren't the first and won't be the last that experiences this kind of thing.
Not all guys are disappointments. There are lots of guys that feel that way about women but of course there are good and bad on both sides.
Let your feelings guide you. Love doesn't hurt. Simple as that.
Whether he loved you or not I'm not sure. Maybe to the capacity he could, but you are right, it doesn't really matter at this point in time because it won't change anything. People are complex, it is impossible to find the exact answers to everything we need. Sometimes they themselves don't even know. It is what it is but don't let it define you and don't give up on people.
That would be a real shame, because there are lots of loving kind non-addicted people out there to be found.
Have faith!
You aren't the first and won't be the last that experiences this kind of thing.
Not all guys are disappointments. There are lots of guys that feel that way about women but of course there are good and bad on both sides.
Let your feelings guide you. Love doesn't hurt. Simple as that.
Whether he loved you or not I'm not sure. Maybe to the capacity he could, but you are right, it doesn't really matter at this point in time because it won't change anything. People are complex, it is impossible to find the exact answers to everything we need. Sometimes they themselves don't even know. It is what it is but don't let it define you and don't give up on people.
That would be a real shame, because there are lots of loving kind non-addicted people out there to be found.
Have faith!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by alybally
I'm sure he loved me. In fact I know he did. However this forum wishes to break that down based on personal experience and heartbreak is individual to each person. Each individual is different and aren't widgets including the alcoholics. Yes, there may be similarities, but just that. Similarities. I think he is a huge jerk, don't get me wrong. But the "jerk" is the addiction not him. Unfortunately, "him" is gone and probably forever. Don't get me wrong I very much dislike him and abhor him for what he did to me. But my relationship with him meant something to both of us and wasn't a joke, but it became a casualty and maybe a joke once the addiction took over. It is what it is. It's amazing the huge void between this forum and the addict forums. I do appreciate the support but I'm going to do what al anon says and take what I like and leave the rest because we are not all widgets and identical. That doesn't mean I buy into the terminal uniqueness, it's just reality that life and people are complex.
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