Broke Up With Alcoholic Boyfriend...I'm Miserable

Old 10-10-2015, 06:47 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Normal, IL
Posts: 9
Broke Up With Alcoholic Boyfriend...I'm Miserable

I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend about a month ago. We were together for three years. Some days are easier than others for me, others leave me in shambles.

I'm in the process of getting my undergraduate degree and I'm planning on applying to medical school when I graduate. I'm 20 years old.

He was everything to me; he supported me and was always there when I needed to talk. He gave me amazing advice and was the sweetest guy I've ever met. He was my best friend.

But as the years went by he started to circle the drain. We lived together for the last two years of our relationship and he got to the point where he would finish off at least a six pack of high alcohol content craft beer every single night. Other nights there would be ten beers and lots of whiskey. Then he started going out a lot, and I would stay home.

When he went out one of two things would happen:

1.) I wouldn't wait up for him. He would get home at 3 am after a long night of drinking and I would wake up to go to class in the morning lying in an ocean of his pee. Every. Single. Time. Before I left for class I would wake him to tell him to get up and wash the sheets and his hangover would rear its ugly head at me and he would make me cry. Then he would roll over and go back to sleep. I'd come home from class and the sheets would still be sopping wet, and he'd be in the living room having a drink to "fix his hangover".

2.) I would wait up for him. And he'd be sloppy and all over the place and pick fights with me and tell me everything was my fault. In the morning I'd wake up in the ocean of pee…again.

Then one night he was out late and I hadn't heard from him in several hours and was worried about him. I was about to just go to bed so I texted him, "Hope you're having fun, good night." And he quickly replied saying he'd be home in 15 minutes. So I waited up for him. An hour later he finally stumbled into the house and came into the bedroom. I finally realized he wasn’t the man I’d fallen in love with. He was different.

He was trashed and knew exactly what buttons to push to get me upset and make me feel like absolute shit…and I bawled my eyes out. Normally when I cried he would apologize and comfort me, but instead he bellowed, “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!” and for the first time in our relationship...I was afraid of him. I was scared and cowered into the corner of the room and he just walked out of the room and went into the living room to drink more and watch TV. I ended up spending the night at my parents’ house that night. The next day he didn’t even remember what had happened.

I broke up with him after not seeing him for several days, and he finally admitted he had a problem and begged me to stay…but I couldn’t do it anymore.

Now it’s been a month and I can’t stop being upset about it. I miss what we used to have before he got bad. I hate that I had to break up with someone I was still in love with. The last time we talked was over text, and I wanted to talk in person and see how he was doing but he told me he was the same and he couldn’t leave the bottle. He told me if he saw me it would just be too painful and he couldn’t do it.

I’m turning 21 in a month and I can’t even look at alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker, but I was excited to finally go to the bars with friends. Now I don’t even think I’m going to go out for my 21st birthday. It would just be too painful.

I'm sorry this is so long...I just need some encouragement. I need the support of people who have gone through this and I need to know that I made the right decision. I miss the old, sober Alex so much.
premedbails is offline  
Old 10-10-2015, 06:57 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
Welcome to SR, premedbails. You will find a lot of support here. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you found us.

You definitely made the right decision. Alex is no longer the man you fell in love with, and there is a good chance he never again will be. Alcoholism is progressive and if he doesn't seek help, it will only get worse.

You are very young and it's a shame that at such a young age, you have been exposed to the truly ugly side of addiction. You don't deserve that...you deserve so much better. I hope you will stick around here and read the stories of others who have been through what you are dealing with. There is so much wisdom and support here.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 10-10-2015, 07:41 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I'm sorry you are here but you couldn't be in a better place for suppprt! Vent, feel it, get it out....you need to. Please come back and keep sharing. We have all walked the walk. Peace to you tonight!
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 10-10-2015, 11:16 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by premedbails View Post
We were together for three years. Some days are easier than others for me, others leave me in shambles.

Now it’s been a month and I can’t stop being upset about it. I miss what we used to have before he got bad. I hate that I had to break up with someone I was still in love with. The last time we talked was over text, and I wanted to talk in person and see how he was doing but he told me he was the same and he couldn’t leave the bottle. He told me if he saw me it would just be too painful and he couldn’t do it.

I’m turning 21 in a month and I can’t even look at alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker, but I was excited to finally go to the bars with friends. Now I don’t even think I’m going to go out for my 21st birthday. It would just be too painful.

I'm sorry this is so long...I just need some encouragement. I need the support of people who have gone through this and I need to know that I made the right decision. I miss the old, sober Alex so much.
As much as it hurts, you made the right decision in my opinion. You are still young and have your entire life ahead of you, and since your Alex hasn't yet found the conviction to face his addiction and change his life around, your life would have only gotten worse for the forseeable future had you stayed with him. Life with an active alcoholic doesn't get better when the alcoholic is getting deeper into their addiction.

I sympathize with you. It took me almost a year for my feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness to start fading and that's with spending the entire time focusing on myself and the things I enjoy, and complete no contact with the ex. Time will heal your heart, if you let it... but it does take time.
Thomas45 is offline  
Old 10-10-2015, 11:17 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
svenissober's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Germany
Posts: 81
I´m sorry for your heartbreak. But you did the right thing and learned an important lesson about alcoholism early in life.

You´re still very young. ...
svenissober is offline  
Old 10-10-2015, 11:40 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 43
Welcome to SR. I only joined a few weeks ago but this place quite literally kept me sane and prevented a breakdown.

I know exactly how you feel, my relationship ended recently after 5 + years and it's terribly hard. You are so young and much wiser than me for taking this step. How I wish I'd have left, my XABF got rid of me, completely cut me out and it's devestating. You have taken control of the situation and made the best decision for you. You can't see it now but you won't regret it and please don't take it back.

Surround yourself with friends and family and tell them the truth about everything. Trust me it is important that you do, so much of our lives become consumed with covering up and protecting them. He will not show you the same compassion. Be strong.
Ally89 is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 02:31 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
premedbails,

"Instead of feeling better, your job is to get better at feeling, and as a result you become intensely present"... try to see feelings as currents in a river that flow with different speeds... accept them, cry if you need to... treat yourself as a precious person, undergoing an important transition. The feelings won't last forever... your job is to be patient with yourself and learn from this experience about what is acceptable to you in a partner and what isn't (the "non-negotiables"). Maybe Life is getting him out of your life to prevent further pain, try to trust Life is on your side even if it isn't immediately apparent...

I recommend the books "The Language of Letting Go" and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, therapy has been helpful to me as well.

Hugs!! it's a process... in the end there is acceptance ...
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 08:25 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
premedbails, you made the right decision! It's sad your ex is such a mess so early in life but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's all on him to seek sobriety, or not.

I was also involved with an addict/alcoholic in my college years. I came within 6 weeks of marrying him. He'd been in a program and was clean about a year. Then he had a "couple of beers" and I cancelled the wedding. (I was 20, your exact age.) I'm shortening this a great deal but the point is, leaving him was the BEST decision I ever made in my life and that decision was almost 40 years ago.

Let yourself be sad, cry, do things that make you happy whenever you can. Wake up in a clean, dry bed every day for the rest of your life. You will heal and you have a good, long life ahead of you. Learn from this and never date an addict (to anything) again.

It's great you found SR. Read the stories of life with an active A. You're not alone.
53500 is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 10:08 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Normal, IL
Posts: 9
I really really appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and shower me with words of encouragement. It's frustrating trying to help someone over and over again and it takes a while to realize that the only person who can help them get better is themselves. I know I'm young, but I honestly thought he was the one.
premedbails is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 10:57 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i have found it best not to crown anyone as THE ONE......way too many hopes and expectations, too much of a set up for a fail. if someone special comes into our lives, enjoy it, embrace it, but hold on loosely. everything has its own timetable.....and everyone has their own path.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 01:52 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in your shoes about six months ago. It's still so hard. Go to alanon. Try therapy if you need it. Exercise. Shop. Dedicate yourself to school. Do anything you need to gain yourself back and maintain your happiness. One thing that I continuously do is I take a mental inventory of my wants, needs, and values. When I miss him or get sad I go over my list and realize he no longer fits that list. It helps. Also read stories on here. You're stronger than you think.
Ap052183 is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 02:18 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
it gets easier, I promise.
hopepraylove is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 04:59 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
maybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Sorry you are experiencing this. It really will get easier with time.
There are many "the ones" out there, not just him.
Even though you can't see it now, trust that you will feel better. And you definitely made the right decision, that is no way to live. Even he himself has made it clear that drinking is still number 1.
It's going to take time to grieve and heal but you'll get there.
maybear is offline  
Old 10-11-2015, 05:41 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I agree with this-there are many the ones out there. Relationships only last with hard work, honesty, trust, compassion etc...it's a choice each second of the day. Addiction kills all of that. My two cents.
OP-you will be okay. I know it! Time, time, time...grieve, feel it and you will heal.
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 10-12-2015, 03:13 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
U definitely made the right decision.




Originally Posted by premedbails View Post
I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend about a month ago. We were together for three years. Some days are easier than others for me, others leave me in shambles.

I'm in the process of getting my undergraduate degree and I'm planning on applying to medical school when I graduate. I'm 20 years old.

He was everything to me; he supported me and was always there when I needed to talk. He gave me amazing advice and was the sweetest guy I've ever met. He was my best friend.

But as the years went by he started to circle the drain. We lived together for the last two years of our relationship and he got to the point where he would finish off at least a six pack of high alcohol content craft beer every single night. Other nights there would be ten beers and lots of whiskey. Then he started going out a lot, and I would stay home.

When he went out one of two things would happen:

1.) I wouldn't wait up for him. He would get home at 3 am after a long night of drinking and I would wake up to go to class in the morning lying in an ocean of his pee. Every. Single. Time. Before I left for class I would wake him to tell him to get up and wash the sheets and his hangover would rear its ugly head at me and he would make me cry. Then he would roll over and go back to sleep. I'd come home from class and the sheets would still be sopping wet, and he'd be in the living room having a drink to "fix his hangover".

2.) I would wait up for him. And he'd be sloppy and all over the place and pick fights with me and tell me everything was my fault. In the morning I'd wake up in the ocean of pee…again.

Then one night he was out late and I hadn't heard from him in several hours and was worried about him. I was about to just go to bed so I texted him, "Hope you're having fun, good night." And he quickly replied saying he'd be home in 15 minutes. So I waited up for him. An hour later he finally stumbled into the house and came into the bedroom. I finally realized he wasn’t the man I’d fallen in love with. He was different.

He was trashed and knew exactly what buttons to push to get me upset and make me feel like absolute shit…and I bawled my eyes out. Normally when I cried he would apologize and comfort me, but instead he bellowed, “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!” and for the first time in our relationship...I was afraid of him. I was scared and cowered into the corner of the room and he just walked out of the room and went into the living room to drink more and watch TV. I ended up spending the night at my parents’ house that night. The next day he didn’t even remember what had happened.

I broke up with him after not seeing him for several days, and he finally admitted he had a problem and begged me to stay…but I couldn’t do it anymore.

Now it’s been a month and I can’t stop being upset about it. I miss what we used to have before he got bad. I hate that I had to break up with someone I was still in love with. The last time we talked was over text, and I wanted to talk in person and see how he was doing but he told me he was the same and he couldn’t leave the bottle. He told me if he saw me it would just be too painful and he couldn’t do it.

I’m turning 21 in a month and I can’t even look at alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker, but I was excited to finally go to the bars with friends. Now I don’t even think I’m going to go out for my 21st birthday. It would just be too painful.

I'm sorry this is so long...I just need some encouragement. I need the support of people who have gone through this and I need to know that I made the right decision. I miss the old, sober Alex so much.
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 10-12-2015, 05:02 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, Pre, but I'm so glad that you're coming here for support. Neither leaving or asking for help are necessarily easy things to do. Eventually, you will feel better. It takes time, though. Please remember to be gentle with yourself while that time passes.

As far as your 21st birthday... No one says you HAVE to go out and celebrate by drinking for it. I didn't, but I should also mention that for the majority of the weeks around it, I was stuck at the library or computer lab working on final projects. I did, however, manage to take a small break for an impromptu drive to the coast with friends. Campfire and s'mores at the beach. (I have to say that any friends that did party hard for their 21st, their memories of the night were rather fuzzy. I much prefer my rather geeky but clear ones.) I hope your 21st birthday is filled with making good memories, whether it's with friends or a quiet evening.
theuncertainty is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:07 AM.