fallenangel75

Hi, I am new here and have come to this forum in desperation. I am the wife of a violent alcoholic who refuses to seek help. I have three beautiful children, 2 with him, one from a previous relationship, the youngest only 11 months old. My husband is 45 and has drunk since the age of 13. As soon as he begins to drink we have learned to hide. The vile things he says. His violent outbursts. We hide in the bedroom and wait for him to fall asleep. He regularly wets himself or vomits or both and in the morning I have to clean it up. I am afraid he will die. I feel alone and isolated. I cant save him. I have tried. I cant make him stop. I have tried. I am dying inside a little every day. What do I do? How do I find the strength to hold it all together? Thankyou for reading. Xx

Pia

Hi FA- I am going to let others respond as they are more knowledgeable. I wanted to tell you Hello and welcome to the forum. You are not alone we all have been affected in some way or another with someone we love in addiction.Please read the stickies at the top there is alot of great information.

Pia

PHIZ007

I am so glad you found SR.

From now on you are not alone. I am so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Alcoholism sucks!

Keep reading keep posting. We are here for you. Am sure many others will be along soon to comment on your post.

I too am married to an Alcholic. We also have three children......it's been tough to say the least!

He on occasions can be verbally abusive...never physical...but the verbal can hurt big time too.

I have been here on SR for ten years now...it helps...it really really helps. It took me a long time to go to Al Anon....circumstances mainly.....i moved my family from Australia to the UK.....my mum was terminally ill here in the UK so I moved back...it was tough. My AH is with us. He provides financially for us and is sweet kind and considerate during the day, and works damn hard.....but the whole disease of alcoholism sucks. At night from 6.30pm it's beer o clock......for a few hours. It is difficult to live with.

I started attending AL Anon in Jan 2015....after my Mum died.

My life is now manageable again.....and I could not do with out SR or Al Anon.

Keep reading keep posting. I wish you and your children the very best. It's a tough road and I am so glad you found us.

Take care of you..first and foremost. Phiz

Broncosys

Oh gosh FA175. Has he been violent with you and the kids? If so, you need to involve law enforcement or some stout family members/friends to help you extricate yourself and the kids from this. If not, you have a few more options, but either way you are in danger. Don't wait any more FA175. The kids and you cannot be around that any more. I was not violent but I was a mean mf when I was drinking and that does real damage to the kids. They cannot be around that. Please please please do not try to figure this out alone or even on this forum. This is only the digital world and you are in the real world. You need to talk to a person in the know (rehab counselor, intervention specialist, cop, NFL linebacker, etc.) and make a plan and make it fast. Call in all favors and be humble. You might not live in your own place (only temporary). You might live in a shelter or other temporary housing (only temporary). Lots of unknowns. Again, do not listen to anyone on this forum about what to do and then go try to do that yourself. You need boots on the ground with you, not interwebs voices. Good luck Dearest FA175.

happybeingme

In a situation like this it isn't alcoholism. It's abuse. You need to call a domestic violence hotline. Everything is confidential with them and they have the resources to help you.

PHIZ007

I am glad you are reaching out...that is a huge step.

There will be others along soon with more real life experience in your situation.

I would read their advice and guidance and take what you like and leave the rest.

Many of us here have much experience of dealing with alcoholism in the home.

You can take the information that may be useful and just park the rest.

Do what is best to keep yourself and your children safe. You and your children come first.

My heart goes out to you 'hiding in the bedroom' can certainly not be good or healthy for any of you.

Take care and keep us posted. All the best once again Phiz

hexx

Oh I am so sorry that you and your children are going through this. I have recently (about 4 months ago) had to call the police on my AH for coming after me with scissors (among other things). This was not the first time he was arrested and I thought after the first time it would never happen again. I can tell you from personal experience that people who are abusive will be that way with or with out the alcohol. The alcohol does not make them abusive, being an abuser makes them abusive. The alcohol only opens the door to that part of himself that thinks it is ok to treat people that like. They will not change with out a LOT of professional help, and then maybe not ever. You need to get you and your children out of this situation. You can't MAKE him stop....he is the only one that can do that.

Cleaning up urine and vomit are horrible (I have cleaned up more than my fair share), but the abuse is 100 times worse. You and your children should not have to hide in your bathroom, or anywhere else for ANY reason.

There is a great book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft that explains the psychological reasons that people abuse. It has a whole chapter on addiction and abuse.

If you can safely get out, please try and do so. No one EVER deserves to be abused, not ever! If you feel you can't get out safely right now, at least put a safety plan in place (pack a "go bag" and put it in your car...clothes, important papers, etc. If you can't keep it in your car, see if a friend can keep it for you.)

Sometimes the thought of staying can be scarier then the thought of leaving.

Please keep posting and know that you are not alone in this. Feel free to PM me if you would like to.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

maia1234

FA-
Welcome, glad you have reached out for support, we are all here for you. You are not alone, because you are only a post a way from support. 24 hours a day there is someone around this country that you can reach out to on SR for support. We all understand as we all love an addict.

You do understand that his addiction is just that, his addiction. You can do nothing about it. That is why it is best for you to take care of you and the kids and let God worry about the Addict. Your kids need you now more than ever. I hate to say it, he might die, but there is nothing you can do to stop him. Absolutely nothing. No yelling, crying, begging, threatening or anything else you have done will get him to stop drinking. Focus on you!!!!

Now what can we do for you and your kids. First off when he is drinking can you leave? Is there a place that you can go to? Do you have a car. The best thing would be for you to leave the residence if he is drinking. When he is sober, explain to him that you can no longer be around him with the kids when he is drinking. If you see him intoxicated leave. Don't question how much he drank or if you think he "might" have been drinking. Use you gut instincts, don't tell him, just leave. I would never ever engage with him while he is drinking. If he tries to pick a fight, agree with him, be kind to him, say you are sorry to him and get as far away from him as you can. Getting angry will only escalate his anger. They say when someone is drunk, the two of you are speaking two different languages, you can't understand him and he can't understand you. So do NOT ever engage with him. That is the first step. Things will eventually calm down if he has no one to get angry at.

I would get a back up bag put together in your car, garage or neighbors house. Clothes for the kids, diapers, bottle? Anything that you have to have. Can you try and put away some cash in case you can't get back in the house.

In my opinion I would not clean up his throw up or urine, but that is just me. Let him see the consequences on the floor. If the kids ask, tell them daddy got sick and to stay away from it. Dad won't ever change if he has no consequences for his actions. Tell him to clean it, but only the next morning when he is sober and feeling like crxp.

You have found more strength then you know!! You reached out and we are here to help you the whole journey. Do not make any rash decisions. If you threaten anything, you have to follow through. So don't tell him anything if you don't plan on doing it. Hugs my friend, your life is about to change for you and your kids!!!

maybear

Hi, I'm sorry. Your situation sounds incredibly stressful and upsetting.
It doesn't sound like he is in any kind of mind to commit to a change in his life, so at this present point in time this is how he is. Don't think about how well he could be, it is a waste of your energy because he is the only one that can get himself there. Your energy should be on you and your children. They really need you right now.
As for what you can do, you can make a choice as to whether you want to take steps to leave the relationship or stay and somehow manage to survive the current circumstances that occur everyday and are not likely to change anytime soon.
I'm not sure if there are practical limitations in terms of leaving, such as wear will you go or financial difficulties. Or safety ones - such as you being fearful if you go.
Since you are experiencing domestic abuse, it might be a good idea to contact a hotline or service local to you to discuss your options. Because it is different for every country and state.
Glad you found these boards, they are such a good source of support.

ladyscribbler

I had a huge investment in trying to make my ex get sober, because I thought his drinking was causing the abuse. Reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft was a huge eye-opener to me. The abuse is a separate issue entirely, and not something that will be fixed by him getting sober. Freetosmile's recent thread is a good example of this.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-ive-hit.html

In my opinion I would not clean up his throw up or urine, but that is just me. Let him see the consequences on the floor. If the kids ask, tell them daddy got sick and to stay away from it. Dad won't ever change if he has no consequences for his actions. Tell him to clean it, but only the next morning when he is sober and feeling like crxp.

I have to respectfully disagree with this. The normal Alanon detachment and boundary advice can actually put you in real danger in an abusive relationship. An abuser is not going to "learn" anything by facing consequences or having boundaries laid down. An abuser is going to ramp up their abuse until the victims are back under control.
In a situation like this, especially with children involved, safety is first and foremost. Quietly gathering resources, reaching out to safe family members or friends, working with DV resources to make a safe exit plan is the first priority.
I was in a very similar situation to you a couple of years ago. Waiting and hoping does not make it better. I had to face my fears and swallow my pride and reach out for help to leave and get myself and my children to safety.

amy55

Hi fallen angel. I am so happy that you reached out to someone to anyone. That took a lot of courage. I know that you posted this 2 days ago, and I can't even imagine the despair that you were feeling at that time. I also think that you are still reading here, or will be checking back. I know how hard it is sometimes to try to even communicate with others. I was in an abusive relationship. I hid things all the time, especially the ways that I was trying to reach out to others. I also isolated myself. I couldn't hide in a bedroom, he kicked that door opened too many times. I hid in my garage, and slept in the car. You have younger children, I know you can't do that.

Alcoholism and abuse really are two separate things. I know that I would try to minimize the things that he did, and also I tried to blame the things that he did and said on alcohol. Thing is, just as alcoholism progresses, so does the abuse.

I can look back now and see the abuse from the beginning, but at the time that I was going through it, it was like I was making adjustments in myself, so that the things he said and did, didn't bother me that much. So I was able to detach from that, or so I thought. What happened then was that he would increase the abuse because he wasn't getting the same level of response from me, or he saw that it wasn't frightening me anymore. So the more I adjusted (detached) the more he upped the abuse. It's the frog and the boiling water story. Have you heard that one?

I also know that after some of the fights, when he would apologize and "try" to be nice, I found myself minimizing the abuse, and always having that hope that he saw the hurt that he was causing and that he would stop it. It never happened.

With the isolating myself, I think in a way I did that myself. My ex was "Mr. Perfect Husband" around other people, my friends, my family. I tried to talk to them about what I was going through, and I was just told to stop complaining, that they all loved him and they thought I was "nuts". My ex was telling me that my family liked him better then they did me, that everyone was afraid of me because I was such a b!tch, that the only reason anyone talks to me is out of respect for him.

It's a (sad) funny that when I did leave my ex, it was his best male friend, and my best female friend, (the ones that were oh so afraid of me), offered me their house, rent free, to get away from him.

I do really thank you for coming to this forum and for reaching out. You have now found a family, and we do understand and we do care. That was a gigantic step for you.

While I was going through all of this, and being afraid to talk to others about my situation, I remember one night as I was hiding out in the garage, and just before sleeping in the car, I called and reached out for someone to talk to. I called 1-800-799-SAFE. It was the DV hotline. It was the best thing that I could ever have done.

I was scared, really really scared to do this. I didn't know what to say when I called that number. After all those years of being told that everything was my fault, and that no one liked me, I felt like such a failure, and I didn't need one more person telling me that, but I was desperate. I no longer knew what it felt like to talk to a "normal" person, and I wasn't feeling "normal" anymore.

It changed my life, I no longer felt that I was the one that was "nuts". It bought me out of "denial" and minimizing my situation. I then started to open up more to friends that I could trust.

So thank you again for reaching out. I don't know if it was a moment of desperation for you at the time you posted this, but I think it was the best way for you to reach out to people that will understand what you are going through.

I would like to caution you on making sure that you erase all history on your computer after posting here. This is your place, and we are here for you.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

Lifeishard

After reading your post I am frightened for you and your children. Your children need you and must be extremely frightened. You are as well. Although you may not see it you need to leave..... As quick as you can before he hurts you or your kids. 2.5 years ago I lived with an alcoholic with x 2 small children. I had to sell up and leave my home. Looking back I should have done it years ago. You and your children can and will get through this..... Without him and live without fear. I haven't posted for a long time ....... But your post made me have to respond x I feel for you and am fearful for your safety x