In the mood to make lists
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
In the mood to make lists
It's cathartic to remember the things I don't miss about my alcoholic marriage and my alcoholic ex. I'm sure some y'all can identify with. Okay, here goes:
1. The smell when he finally came to bed (which sometimes included stumbling and tge drunk snoring-dead giveaway)
2. The lies-every single day.
3. Being scared almost daily not ever knowing what would set him off and what would be taken out on me or the kids.
4. Always petrified for the next stressful event bc I knew he would spiral.
5. Being blamed by him and his mother for his alcoholism.
6. Having to endure nights of him drunk and talking about how he wished I was like his mom and sister who truly love him-I did not bc I did not accept him like they did.
7. Being told I needed to let him do whatever he wanted to do like his mom does.
8. Being verbally abused by his mother-and him defending her.
9. The anxiety-my God, the anxiety.
10. Him just not being present in any sense of the wird-physically, emotionally or spiritually.
11. My anger
12. My attempt to control every little thing bc it have me some sense of control knowing I had no power over his drinking.
13. Lashing out in anger or self defense to protect myself or our kids-and feeling disgusted his choices put me in that position.
14. Hearing my daughter cry and be terrified her dad is going to die and constantly ask me what is wrong with daddy.
15. Seeing the hurt on her face every time he let her down.
16. When I was drinking, I acted at times like a crazy loon-I don't miss that at all!! (Sobriety rocks, btw-never going back)
17. Living in denial
18. Not wanting to go to any social function or have people over bc I knew inevitably how it would end.
19. Being groped and touched innaproproately and told I was his wife and should let him do whatever he wanted.
20. Being told I was a hypocrit and not a good Christian bc of my past sins (per my Pastor, Jesus was called many things-a hypocrit as well, so I'm in good company)
21. Hearing almost weekly how I am the smartest most beautiful person he knows-then drunk telling me how much he doesbt like me, isn't attracted to me bc I'm not pretty and how I don't work hard and he's not proud of me.
22. Hearing how everyone he knows hates me-and I have no friends bc I'm crazy.
23. Being called a crazy stupid/psycho/enter other descriptive word bitch by him and his sister (and God knows who else that actually believes his fabricated stories he spins)
24. Knowing he was drinking and driving (totally wasted at times) and worrying about him and others
25. His impatience if heaven for bid he actually joined us doing anything as a family bc it was eating imto his drinking time.
26. Being terrified out if my mind to call the police...I finally found courage and did a year ago.
27. My denial, depression and letting him blame me for his choices.
28. Being told I was the only person that made him want to be good and a better man-that I made him that way (therefore it was my responsibility).
29. Sober-telling me how proud of me he was that I had turned my life around, found God and was good and enjoyed going to church. Drunk-he couldn't stand the people at Church, thought I wasn't any good.
30. Going to marriage counseling multiple times and watching him lie - bold face lies.
31. Being told "I don't have that feeling like if due without you anymore-we just aren't right for each other"-duh, buddy-you transferred your love and affection to drinking and btw, I didnt get married to feel like I would die without you! That's not love-that's illness!
32. Being scared-shaking to my core scared some nights
33. The projection-oh my.
34. Wondering for years if maybe I was really crazy bc he told me I was.
35. The broken promises.
36. My kids growing up in fear and dysfunction.
37. My kids not being safe-at all.
38. Living in fantasy land that things would get better.
39. Feeling like a piece of meat and touched extremely roughly when he was drinking.
40. Being married to someone that was once great-the absolute live of my life-whose demons and issues turned him into someone with the mentality of a teenager and an angry beast.
41. Criticizing him for anything bc that's how I dealt with most of my reality.
42. Not feeling loved at all, lonelier than I've ever felt, completely and utterly devastated knowing my marriage was falling apart for years and not being able to do a darn thing about it.
43. Hearing for years "I can't change-I am who I am-I have my demons-deal with it".
44. Hearing that he couldn't stand himself and hated how he treated me and that our family would be better off of he just left bc he wanted to live alone in the woods.
45. Hurting for him so much and spending years abd buckets of tears begging him to get help.
46. Trying to convince him I did love him-just not what the addiction had done to him. Completely devastated a marriage, famiky and a good guy that was my guy-my partner. An intimate betrayal like infidelity-three beings in our marriage so I bowed out.
47. Knowing every day I was, me, defining my kids childhood by allowing them to grow up in the abuse. No more excuses .
48. No longer caring whst he said-literally-I stopped listening bc none of his words matter-nothing. All lies and broken promises.
I could go on and on and on-and I did everything I could, 100%, to not hold onto resentments about all of these-but he has no repentance and just continues spiraling. That's reality. Reality these days is I miss a million things about him ( that is another list) but I am insanely happy I got out. I GOT out! We are free!!! Thanks to God for granting me His peace and giving me His armour to keep walking on this narrow path. I may get shot with arrows, etc but Gods divine wisdom keeps me and my girls safe. I am truly blessed.
Thanks for listening...just had to make a list tonight!!
(And if you read this far, God bless you!!)
1. The smell when he finally came to bed (which sometimes included stumbling and tge drunk snoring-dead giveaway)
2. The lies-every single day.
3. Being scared almost daily not ever knowing what would set him off and what would be taken out on me or the kids.
4. Always petrified for the next stressful event bc I knew he would spiral.
5. Being blamed by him and his mother for his alcoholism.
6. Having to endure nights of him drunk and talking about how he wished I was like his mom and sister who truly love him-I did not bc I did not accept him like they did.
7. Being told I needed to let him do whatever he wanted to do like his mom does.
8. Being verbally abused by his mother-and him defending her.
9. The anxiety-my God, the anxiety.
10. Him just not being present in any sense of the wird-physically, emotionally or spiritually.
11. My anger
12. My attempt to control every little thing bc it have me some sense of control knowing I had no power over his drinking.
13. Lashing out in anger or self defense to protect myself or our kids-and feeling disgusted his choices put me in that position.
14. Hearing my daughter cry and be terrified her dad is going to die and constantly ask me what is wrong with daddy.
15. Seeing the hurt on her face every time he let her down.
16. When I was drinking, I acted at times like a crazy loon-I don't miss that at all!! (Sobriety rocks, btw-never going back)
17. Living in denial
18. Not wanting to go to any social function or have people over bc I knew inevitably how it would end.
19. Being groped and touched innaproproately and told I was his wife and should let him do whatever he wanted.
20. Being told I was a hypocrit and not a good Christian bc of my past sins (per my Pastor, Jesus was called many things-a hypocrit as well, so I'm in good company)
21. Hearing almost weekly how I am the smartest most beautiful person he knows-then drunk telling me how much he doesbt like me, isn't attracted to me bc I'm not pretty and how I don't work hard and he's not proud of me.
22. Hearing how everyone he knows hates me-and I have no friends bc I'm crazy.
23. Being called a crazy stupid/psycho/enter other descriptive word bitch by him and his sister (and God knows who else that actually believes his fabricated stories he spins)
24. Knowing he was drinking and driving (totally wasted at times) and worrying about him and others
25. His impatience if heaven for bid he actually joined us doing anything as a family bc it was eating imto his drinking time.
26. Being terrified out if my mind to call the police...I finally found courage and did a year ago.
27. My denial, depression and letting him blame me for his choices.
28. Being told I was the only person that made him want to be good and a better man-that I made him that way (therefore it was my responsibility).
29. Sober-telling me how proud of me he was that I had turned my life around, found God and was good and enjoyed going to church. Drunk-he couldn't stand the people at Church, thought I wasn't any good.
30. Going to marriage counseling multiple times and watching him lie - bold face lies.
31. Being told "I don't have that feeling like if due without you anymore-we just aren't right for each other"-duh, buddy-you transferred your love and affection to drinking and btw, I didnt get married to feel like I would die without you! That's not love-that's illness!
32. Being scared-shaking to my core scared some nights
33. The projection-oh my.
34. Wondering for years if maybe I was really crazy bc he told me I was.
35. The broken promises.
36. My kids growing up in fear and dysfunction.
37. My kids not being safe-at all.
38. Living in fantasy land that things would get better.
39. Feeling like a piece of meat and touched extremely roughly when he was drinking.
40. Being married to someone that was once great-the absolute live of my life-whose demons and issues turned him into someone with the mentality of a teenager and an angry beast.
41. Criticizing him for anything bc that's how I dealt with most of my reality.
42. Not feeling loved at all, lonelier than I've ever felt, completely and utterly devastated knowing my marriage was falling apart for years and not being able to do a darn thing about it.
43. Hearing for years "I can't change-I am who I am-I have my demons-deal with it".
44. Hearing that he couldn't stand himself and hated how he treated me and that our family would be better off of he just left bc he wanted to live alone in the woods.
45. Hurting for him so much and spending years abd buckets of tears begging him to get help.
46. Trying to convince him I did love him-just not what the addiction had done to him. Completely devastated a marriage, famiky and a good guy that was my guy-my partner. An intimate betrayal like infidelity-three beings in our marriage so I bowed out.
47. Knowing every day I was, me, defining my kids childhood by allowing them to grow up in the abuse. No more excuses .
48. No longer caring whst he said-literally-I stopped listening bc none of his words matter-nothing. All lies and broken promises.
I could go on and on and on-and I did everything I could, 100%, to not hold onto resentments about all of these-but he has no repentance and just continues spiraling. That's reality. Reality these days is I miss a million things about him ( that is another list) but I am insanely happy I got out. I GOT out! We are free!!! Thanks to God for granting me His peace and giving me His armour to keep walking on this narrow path. I may get shot with arrows, etc but Gods divine wisdom keeps me and my girls safe. I am truly blessed.
Thanks for listening...just had to make a list tonight!!
(And if you read this far, God bless you!!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
It's helpful for me but I hope it's helpful more for y'all-I know truly it was helpful for me to read concrete things that othes had gone through to see the similarity abd know they could get out. And find happiness. I hope it helps 
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