FindingAmy

Hi all, i know i posted in another area and hope it's okay to post here with a more focused question. i'm new obviously My AH of 25 years recently got sober 6 months or so ago and has decided he is the happiest he's ever been and feels the best he's ever felt and wants to leave and start his life over. Sort of kicked me in the face (not literally) and moved on. I don't want to blather on about all I did for him, as it's irrelevant. My point is, I know I for 25 years I have put all I had into "fixing" him and making him what i thought he should be. I focused on him, my kids, my ill parents, anyone but me. Now that my kids are grown and he's leaving, and I'm in total anguish and so sad, i realize i have no choice but to take care of me and focus on me. the problem? i have no idea how to even start that process.

I workout, i do yoga, i eat well. those are things i do for me. but beyond that i'm at a loss. my AH and I own a company together so that's what my job is. i don't know how to find my interests. to meet new people. i just don't know how to find myself.

SparkleKitty

Hi Amy, thanks for starting your own thread.

I am so glad you're here, though of course terribly sorry for the circumstances that led you here.

Do you have a counselor or therapist? Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting?

FindingAmy

Hi Sparklekitty, I do have a therapist who i see weekly, thank goodness. I was going to go to Al-Anon tonight after seeing how helpful this sight is. I resisted for a while going to Al-Anon because I was like, "look what he did to me, Al-Anon should not be part of my life!" but i realize Al-Anon is there for me, for support and I will find people who understand the situation. I am ready to walk on my side of the street, rather than on his. I just need a little help. my side looks very empty.

Liveitwell

Sometimes living with an A can cause us to solely focus on them-and our side does look rather empty. Alanon is great at putting the focus back on you; Celebrate Recovery is good, too. It is hard starting over but also exciting to find yourself again-God has a plan! Hugs and peace to you!!

firebolt

I feel similar in the sense that it's hard to know where to start 'finding yourself!' I feel like an awkward teenager again - who the hell am I?! I've been something else to so many people for so long, it's really difficult!

There's a podcast - Codependency no More - its free on itunes. SUPER HELPFUL to me lately. It will help lead you to where to start looking.

I'm sorry you are in the pits with your husband, but this is a GREAT opportunity for you!

FindingAmy

Firebolt, thanks for the response. I actually have the Audible book of Codependent No More if that's the one you mean, by Melody Beattie. That has been a life saver as has Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment by Karen Casey. I think if it wasn't for that book I would've fallen into a million more pieces than I have. I'm so thankful to know I am not in this alone. And yes, like you, I've been so much to so many people. In fact, right now, my stepfather will be gone in the next couple of days, and my mother keeps calling me at work saying she needs me. I have to set up boundaries with her, as my codependent side wants to rush in and save the day (and of course later be resentful that i wasn't appreciated more). but i know i have to focus on me now, do for her as i can without feeling guilty. this focusing on me thing is probably the hardest work i will ever do. but probably the most rewarding. i certainly hope so because the pain is too much to bear.

FireSprite

((((hugs)))) I'll bet it's so much more full than you realize. I say that because I think most of us, if not all, have experienced that same kind of blindness when we start our journey of healing from codependency.

^^This seems like an easy place to start, from my outside perspective. Do you attend classes or belong to a gym? If not, maybe try joining up somewhere short-term to see where it takes you in terms of new people, etc. If you already do, have you checked into what other types of services or classes they offer? I try to stay current with local seminars & classes that strike my fancy & slowly each step has led me to something new. We have a publication, Natural Awakenings, that is AWESOME for listing all kinds of things I wouldn't find out about otherwise. They publish it in a lot of different cities, so if you're in one of those areas it can be a great tool: Local Natural Awakenings Magazines and Websites - Natural Awakenings

Do you have other interests that you pushed aside for years & never attempted? Why not try now? Have you thought about doing volunteer work but never had the time? I found that I had to literally broaden my circle of people, places & things to give myself a chance to see what resonated & what didn't. I even started taking new routes to the same old places.

The flip side is taking time for yourself in ways you've probably never slowed down for before. Journaling, extra sleep, massage therapy, etc. Even small stuff like watching new/different tv shows was helpful to get me out of my rut & expose me to new ideas. I used to watch "whatever", "didn't care" what we had for dinner & was rarely ever passionate about something enough to make it more important than someone else's wants. It IS painfully hard, it's very uncomfortable to learn to prioritize yourself when you haven't for so long. I had to keep reiterating to myself that self-care is not AT ALL the same thing as being selfish.

FindingAmy

FireSprite, thanks for the response. I do go to a yoga studio and have met people there. I belong to a gym but usually use the equipment. I think I will start taking classes and maybe meet people there. Thats a really good idea. My circle is quite small as I've spent all my time focusing on my husband. We do get Natural Awakenings. I was thinking of taking a class in Ayurveda so maybe i'll look that up in there. I think I might sign up for a metalsmithing class as well. I want to know how to make jewelry. I guess now is as good a time as any. and you are so right. i am in a rut. ive done the same thing, the same way for so many years. i have to switch it up. Ive become very introverted over the years, probably a bit depressed, so getting out there will be good, but very hard for me. very intimidating. but i need to do this for me. thanks for the ideas and the support.

firebolt

Those podcasts are different from the book. Some real live recovering codependents interviews, plus some therapists that have dealt with all sorts of people with our troubles. So much hope and resources in them.

FindingAmy

Firebolt, thanks! I downloaded them and will listen to them on my way home from work.

Mango blast

Hi Amy,

I resisted going to Alanon for a long time. Getting through the door the first time was very hard. When I got a sponsor, started working the steps, reading the literature and went to more meetings regularly, my healing really started. Yoga, meditation and other activities are great for personal growth. My Alanon program has been the huge turning point for me.

There are many different meetings. So far I've only found two groups I didn't care for much, but I returned to one of those much later and really liked it. The other one was a small group in a different town. Maybe if I went back I'd feel differently about it also. I've changed a lot, and so have my viewpoints.

As is said at most meetings, take what you like and leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

this focusing on me thing is probably the hardest work i will ever do. but probably the most rewarding. i certainly hope so because the pain is too much to bear.

This is a huge insight. It is hard, maybe impossible, to see the future when we are at a momentary yet life changing pivot point, so you need to have faith that what will come will be better than what was.

And with the introspection you are bringing to your life right now, it will be better. For me, now three years out of a 20 year marriage to a then abusive alcoholic husband, I am so much happier and fulfilled than when I was trying to live my life to match his needs.

Who I am has re-emerged, and, with every spiral of introspection, I learn more and let go of more of what used to trap and haunt me.

This is a long process, so in the beginning, just trust that leaving him and that old life will free you in the end. Patience, lots of self care in little ways along the way, taking pleasure in every good moment that comes... You are building new, happy reflexes instead of the old damaging ones. You can give yourself emotional "gold stars" each time you move forward into a new response, a happier pattern. And then at the end of the day, reflect on each of these little actions, and over time, you will find yourself and transform yourself.

ShootingStar1

FindingAmy

Thanks ShootingStar1. I am finding this excruciating. I went to an Alanon meeting today and that was helpful hearing that I am not alone. I just can't imagine getting to where these people are. I have such a low self worth and self esteem from being told I was crazy all these years and his wanting nothing to do with me. And now that he REALLY wants nothing to do with me I am crushed. I am trying so hard to do for me, but each time I hear from him or see him or think about him it goes right back to my feeling that I'm worthless.

dandylion

findingAmy...you may not have ever thought about it this way---but, you may be suffering the effects of verbal abuse......Verbal abuse is abuse! Especially, if experienced over a l ong period of time....it can do a job on a person. Even ptsd and panic attacks, anxiety disorders, etc...
Maybe, do some reading about abuse......
I think that anyone who has suffered this could do well to get some counseling or join an abuse support group. (they are commonly offered through the domestic violence organizations)....or a private counselor specializing in this area. In addition to alanon.
If you are in excruciating pain....the thing to do is to get the support that you need......

dandylion

Mango blast

Sending gentle hugs for you, Amy!

Someone had a thread on here to post something good about ourselves. I was crying and realized I couldn't come up with even one good thing I could say about myself. My self-esteem? None. I was paralyzed, frozen and falling apart.

Slowly, by taking things just one day at a time, I'm finding my self-esteem and great value in being me, as I am, flaws and all.

Keep reaching out, be willing to try new actions, & you'll find your way.

Verbal and emotional abuse can cause much damage. So can this Family Disease of Alcoholism. It's possible to heal. It didn't happen in the great leaps I wanted, yet in deeply meaningful ways that I am very grateful for.

I've had more clarity this week about myself. Things I feel embarrassed about. I almost didnt go to Alanon yesterday, but so glad I did. The topic was spot on with what I'm going through, and again I realized I'm not alone.

unsureoffuture

FindingAmy,

It was hard for me to start too. Part of healing was branching out and doing things not involving my now ExAH. I made a list of all the things I enjoy such as listening to music, meetinga friend for lunch or coffee, reading a magazine by the pool, taking a walk in the neighborhood or park, go to the beach, getting a massage or pedicure, doing a craft project, taking an exercise class, riding my bike etc.
I spent so many years devoting ALL my energy to my husband and kids that I really didn't know how to do for myself. Make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them.

FindingAmy

unsureoffuture, did you find that that stuff worked? i need to figure out what i even like to do. not even sure i ever knew. thanks for the suggestion. it is a knee jerk reaction to do things with him. i have to start taking new routes. literally and figuratively!

FeelingGreat

Amy, it sounds like you have a solid basis for rebuilding your life without your AH. You have a therapist and some activities you do, and are planning. The pain doesn't disappear overnight but if you work at it, one day you'll suddenly realise how much better you feel.
Do I understand that you work with your RAH, as in see him every day? Because it's going to be very hard to move on if that's the case. I was in a similar work situation and I didn't start healing until I stopped seeing him altogether. Also, if your RAH starts seeing someone else, you'll be back where you started.
Can I suggest you consult a lawyer to protect your interest in the business, formalise the separation and possibly come to a financial agreement with RAH that gets either you or him out of the business? With his attitude he may well be preparing the ground for getting rid of you (as a partner/employee). All bets are off when it comes to money, and you need to protect yourself. At least find out where you stand.
Thinking of you - hang in there.

FindingAmy

FeelingGreat, I know you are right about the business aspect. Because as of now that is the only talking we do. And it is like our third child and forces us to connect and it is painful every time.

Harder is, after telling me he is moving out on November 5, and doing my work and AlAnon and therapy, etc. he now says he'll stay if we go to marriage counseling 3 days a week! I said you are trying to take a puzzle that has broken pieces and trying to put the puzzle together. The pieces need to be fixed first. He says the reason he wanted to leave was because every time he hears the garage door open he shudders and gets all worried that he did something wrong. He continues to blame me. 3 days a week of marriage counseling is not only crazy expensive, but to me a waste at this point since he won't do the therapy on his own to heal his own issues. I think he feels that AA and his sponsor are enough.

I work every day on trying to take care of me and focus on me. It was getting easier knowing he was leaving and he just yanked me back in. I need to stay my course. my god this is so hard!!!!! i did not sign up for this!!!!

CarryThatWeight

Perhaps he suggested marriage counseling three times a week because he knows you can't afford that, and it's not reasonable for anyone to do that? Now he can say that he tried to help the situation, but that you refused to cooperate and get help. Just another way to avoid responsibility and put everything on you. My soon to be ex did the same thing. Said he would go to marriage counseling if I paid for it - knowing full well that I couldn't.