Jeni26

I'm doing so much better these days. I've been going to AlAnon and starting to build on my own sober life which is apart from his. I mean...we still live together, we laugh and enjoy our lives, we love and parent our kids, but when he drinks...we separate emotionally.

I guess I've learned how to detach and I do lots of stuff on my own now. I have my own interests which include exercise and healthy eating and I'm stronger than before.

But some days it still feels like a punch in the stomach. My sponsor tells me not to take it personally, and I try so hard.

But yesterday it was our silver wedding anniversary, I had a long demanding day work wise and I got home at 8.15 pm. He was drinking and his whole personality changes after he has taken just one drink.

We have had a long and mostly very happy marriage but yesterday I could have just walked out. 25 years together. Will I ever get to the point when this doesn't feel like a betrayal on his part?

Katchie

I wish I could answer that question for you. I'm still in recovery; I'm going before the judge to finalize my divorce Thursday after 23 years and after yesterday and today I can tell you I still have those feelings of betrayal. Maybe it lessens over time, but for you, you're still living with it. I hope someone who is in your shoes but farther down the road of recovery will have a better answer. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way any normal person would feel. I hope you're being good to yourself..hugs

redatlanta

Uggh.....It takes time, more than what you have. 25 years is a long time. I am glad you have detached and things are working the way they are now; however, you sacrifice a full and complete marriage by staying with him.

Generally I think one has to move on with their life in order to put behind the hurt of betrayal and loss. It isn't personal that's true.

Hawkeye13

I think the concept of detachment codies, is like functional for alcoholics; really is a stage and help for respite, but not a sustainable future

It isn't how you want to live the rest of your life, but it gives you a break and some time to think and build your own sober life apart from his drinking.

But in the end Jeni, are you willing to settle for this and worse as time passes
if he doesn't choose to stop?

I may be having to make the same determination for myself in the next few years
and frankly I'm afraid of it--I love my spouse, and he was there and stuck by me
when I was drinking, dealing with a terrible caregiving situation with my alcoholic mother, and he's my very best friend in the world.

But I am so tired of addiction and alcohol stressing my life.
I don't want to get old and die without being free of it entirely. . .

Dee74

(((Jeni)))

D

FeelingGreat

Jeni, I'm not in any way diminishing your feeling of hurt, but did he know it was your 25th, and had you discussed doing something special?

Reason I ask is that different people have different expectations of special occasions. When my kids were young I organised them (and my H) to make a cake, or buy or make a small present as part of their education on living. They've carried on these rituals into their adult lives. My sister used to get very hurt that her 2 boys would forget her birthday, but she hadn't educated them on what she expected and their father was a thoughtless type so no help there.

But even if you weren't expecting a romantic gesture, I can understand that his behaviour would be highlighted on such a special day.

ShootingStar1

It is truly a loss when your partner doesn't understand or respond to or celebrate the commitment that you have made to him for 25 years now. I am sorry for your loss.

ShootingStar1

Jeni26

It is so sad because he does love me very much but I know that he views the nice gestures as giving him a 'pass' to get drunk and behave badly. A bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates are always followed by a drunken binge. It's as though he thinks he's 'earned' enough points as a good husband to then do what the hell he likes. Yeah, he's a good husband and Father when he's sober. But I'd rather forego all the tokens of affection and just have the real man.

Liveitwell

^^^ Jeni-you took the words out of my mouth. That's exactly 100% the way I felt-and I tried to tell my husband that a million times. The flowers don't mean a thing when the next week, or sometime night, he's drunk and acting horribly. I didn't want the tokens of affection either-I'm not a materialistic person and really don't like eating out, getting wined and dined-not my thing,...sitting on the back porch wearing jeans watching my kids play while drinking tea is my idea of a perfect Friday night I DID not care about the stupid tokens, I just wanted him.
Yikes-this touches a nerve. Very strong feelings about this.

OP-I'm so sorry he did not recognize the 25th...you are in my prayers.

teatreeoil007

When we come to an understanding that alcoholism is a disease of the brain, which is an organ, it helps us to have more compassion and to be more patient. As far as when you become more trusting and less betrayed-that is something he is going to have to show you and he will have to stick by it firmly. Let him show you his love instead of being distant and cold. He's going to need to put right the things that need to be put right and that may take a bit of time so be patient... If he is really serious about it he will stick with it and then you will know. So the sooner he puts things right the sooner you and he will be right in your relationship.

NYCDoglvr

I'm sorry you had such a painful experience. The question is what you're willing to tolerate. There's nothing you can say or do that will affect an alcoholic's drinking. It's their Higher Power, God, great love of their lives, more important than the most important person in their lives. But you can start recovery and moving to the life you really want. I did it with Alanon -- got a sponsor and went to a lot of meetings before finally being able to leave a very self-destructive situation. There IS help.

maia1234

Jeni,
I am so sorry. I Divorced my A one year ago after 26 years married, 34 together. It hurt like hell, but I got tired of doing my own thing. Him not expecting to call me treat me special, over and over. The longer we were married the more "distant", selfish he became, and I tolerated it.

We have talked about it since the divorce and he says that he didn't treat me "right" REALLY? The issue is that his one true love is alcohol. She will always come before me, no matter how much it hurts me. There was nothing I could do about it.

I guess if you choose to stay with an alcoholic you need elephant skin. Because they will hurt you and it will hurt really bad. They don't do it to you, but it always affect you. Hugs my friend, because I feel your pain as I lived it for a very long time. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

marie1960

My sponsor tells me not to take it personally, and I try so hard.


Easy words to say, not so easy to live on a daily basis.

While I understand the concept, and maybe it's a temporary band-aid, but like a band-aid, it's not going to stick forever.

We all have a level of what we define an acceptable standard of life and living.

We all have physical and emotional needs.

What happens when you don't water the beautiful green plants and flowers?

Not every plant is a cactus. Some plants require more nuturing, and that is perfectly normal and ok.

I am sorry that life has brought you to this point, and I can only empathize in how you are feeling.

Being with an active alcoholic can be very lonely and empty.

Of course you feel betrayed, you have been betrayed.

Be good to yourself, you deserve it.