Some random thoughts

Old 10-06-2015, 03:39 PM
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Some random thoughts

I was driving home thinking of my ExAH I feel a piece of me is still missing But at least I know what to expect now.

I can expect to come home to a peaceful house.
I can expect a chair to be used as a chair and not to sleep on.
I can expect to actually sleep through the night w/o someone waking me up.
I can expect quietness.
I can expect healthy loneliness.
I can expect money in my wallet.
I can expect some sadness,which is nice twist because I don't have false hope.

I can expect positive things in my life going forward. I paid my dues with this husband but I don't have to look to the future scared anymore.I don't have the answers to everything in my life and that is ok. If I can handle this I can handle anything!

Thanks for letting me ramble.
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Old 10-06-2015, 04:05 PM
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Beautiful words, Pia. I'm there as well. I may miss him but I count my blessings-and they're priceless.
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Old 10-06-2015, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
Beautiful words, Pia. I'm there as well. I may miss him but I count my blessings-and they're priceless.
I am happy to hear you are there too.!!! For the longest I kept thinking of what I was missing. . especially him to walk in the door at some point and it hurt to wait. Now I can expect him not to and it doesn't hurt. Slowly everything is sinking in and making sense with regards to healing. Sure i have days where I feel sorry for myself but now I not only know but I understand what is happening and why.
I use to pray and pray that all this would be fixed now I pray for endurance.
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Old 10-06-2015, 05:07 PM
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I can expect to actually sleep through the night w/o someone waking me up.

Peaceful sleep was the very first positive thing I noticed when my marriage ended. Glorious, wonderful, peaceful sleep. It's like I'm catching up on 23 years of trying to sleep in a state of hyper vigilance.

Great list, Pia.
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Old 10-06-2015, 06:41 PM
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on weekends my boyfriend thinks he needs to drink all day and thne continue to stay up til 1am and drink beer and watch tv. i have been going to bed around 10pm. i say, if your going to stay up and drink all night, please stay on the couch. the reason is, he will come to bed, wasted, smells horrible, mouth breaths and snooring the worst. and he is passed out so i cant roll him over to stop the snooring. so, he says ok. he still comes to bed and now im starting to push him out of bed so he gets up, goes on the couch while he is yelling F-you at me and begins to throw things around in the living room, then passes out and acts like nothing happened in the morning. fun time to spend my weekends!! i need to leave him!!!
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Old 10-06-2015, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Pia View Post
I was driving home thinking of my ExAH I feel a piece of me is still missing But at least I know what to expect now.

I can expect to come home to a peaceful house.
I can expect a chair to be used as a chair and not to sleep on.
I can expect to actually sleep through the night w/o someone waking me up.
I can expect quietness.
I can expect healthy loneliness.
I can expect money in my wallet.
I can expect some sadness,which is nice twist because I don't have false hope.

I can expect positive things in my life going forward. I paid my dues with this husband but I don't have to look to the future scared anymore.I don't have the answers to everything in my life and that is ok. If I can handle this I can handle anything!

Thanks for letting me ramble.
Pia
needed to hear this today. Thank you...
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Old 10-06-2015, 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by want2feelGood View Post
on weekends my boyfriend thinks he needs to drink all day and thne continue to stay up til 1am and drink beer and watch tv. i have been going to bed around 10pm. i say, if your going to stay up and drink all night, please stay on the couch. the reason is, he will come to bed, wasted, smells horrible, mouth breaths and snooring the worst. and he is passed out so i cant roll him over to stop the snooring. so, he says ok. he still comes to bed and now im starting to push him out of bed so he gets up, goes on the couch while he is yelling F-you at me and begins to throw things around in the living room, then passes out and acts like nothing happened in the morning. fun time to spend my weekends!! i need to leave him!!!
I'm sorry but I do know how that feels. Mine would do this EVERY single day, Everyday from the time he woke up till he came home passed out. The stench could wake the dead. I would tell him to take a shower when he would drag his sorry butt in the room at 2 am. then he would be passed out in the shower at times. I wonder if I let him drown would I be charged lol.
I don't miss being so exhausted from not getting any sleep and then having to go to to work in the morning yikes!
wanttofeelgood I want you to feel Great please think about what is best for you.
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Old 10-06-2015, 08:44 PM
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Sorry for the late replies I went out tonight to see friends and could stay out late and not be so anxious wondering whats going to happen when I get home. My stomach would be in knots driving home and I could never spend any time with my friends because I was too nervous wondering what he was doing.
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:23 PM
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I really like this post. While I have moments of self pity for the "things" i've lost, the peace i've gained is worth far more than the nice things I use to have. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that, like today, when I had to go to the old marital home and see all the work I put in to remodeling what was our home -- it is stunning -- and here I'm living in a little house so tiny and old in comparison. Then he also has the nerve to be so very nice..grrr...I know, its just me. But, all of that said, I comd back to my cozy little house and have no anxiety waiting to see if he drove home drunk again and being thankful he didn't die, or kill someone, or kill our children from drinking/driving. I don't have to sit with an individual who is mentally absent due to alcohol abuse and try to make conversation, or sit in silence with a screaming elephant in the room. Another little blessing, the other house was so big the boys could go hide upstairs; and I don't blame them for doing this, who wants to be around the silent rage and alcoholism. Here, there is no such thing as hiding and we have a lot more interaction because the addict isn't here making the atmosphere too thick to breathe.

Thank you, Pia, for your post. I was having a little pity party this evening. I'm 43, about to be stinking 44, and I'm starting from scratch in almost every way. But there really is, when I sit and think about it for a moment as your post made me do, much to be thankful for and much to look forward to in the future. I couldn't say that before he left me.
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Old 10-06-2015, 10:30 PM
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my sponsor asks me to write lists of things that have "gotten better" since leaving my addict ex bf when I'm feeling sad and lonely. Your list reminded me a lot of them.

Some other things (if I may chime in)
I don't miss coming home from work and checking his pupils obsessively
I don't miss coming home from work to him laying around on the couch in sweats all day
I don't miss the name calling

I can expect a clean house when I come home from work
I can expect to trust those who visit me at my house to not be under the influence
I can expect to be treated lovingly by friends and family

Thank you for helping me shift my perspective!
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Old 10-07-2015, 04:58 AM
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These lists help me so much....I could have written all the above and could add another hundred things that I'm greatful for now that I've left my alcoholic. Totally shifting perspective-it's everything! Peace and love to y'all today.
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Old 10-07-2015, 06:37 AM
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What a great post about reasonable expectations!!


I have identified with almost every list item posted at one point or another in my recovery but this one rings the loudest:

Sorry for the late replies I went out tonight to see friends and could stay out late and not be so anxious wondering whats going to happen when I get home. My stomach would be in knots driving home and I could never spend any time with my friends because I was too nervous wondering what he was doing.
Oh MAN do I remember those feelings - both the tightly-wound, anxious ball of No-Fun that was out & about but never really present in the moment because I was always more concerned with his whereabouts or emotionally focused on his recent drama.... and the relieved person, FREE of those mental trappings that wasn't just living but loving life & really engaging in it. I like that person a lot better!
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Old 10-07-2015, 07:04 AM
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Pia, that is wonderful! What a great change for you!

For me, when I left my then AH after 20 years of marriage, what I noticed first of all was the silence. No one yelling, no Wolf Blister on CNN yelling at top volume for 4 hours, no one questioning me, just pure blissful silence. (Yes I know I spelled his name wrong - my XAH used that show as a form of torture requiring me to sit with him and listen to the same stories over and over).

What I didn't realize for a while was that that blissful silence was the beginning of healing.

I didn't have to react to someone abusive around me all the time; I wasn't interrupted every second moment; I didn't have to be vigilant about what was happening or going to happen next; I didn't have to pay attention to protect myself; I didn't have someone else at the center of my life, demanding something from me.

The next step for me was realizing what I DID have - -

Solitude and the opportunity to follow my own train of thought without interruption; freedom to listen to music or listen to the silence; freedom to choose my own environment, as it suited me; freedom to just relax, just sink into a comfy chair and just BE.

When I first left, I was shell-shocked, over stimulated by living in his alcoholic porn filled demanding and compelling presence.

I got to be ME again, on my own timetable. The first months were just letting go of all the reactive self-defensive knee-jerk almost autonomic responses I had developed to cope with my former life.

Then, as time went on, the silence led to introspection, a quiet and sustained sorting out of what had happened to me and how I truly felt. Healing, and finally, now, after 3 years gone, peace.

It will come for you too, and congratulations on making that possible.

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Old 10-07-2015, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
Pia, that is wonderful! What a great change for you!

For me, when I left my then AH after 20 years of marriage, what I noticed first of all was the silence. No one yelling, no Wolf Blister on CNN yelling at top volume for 4 hours, no one questioning me, just pure blissful silence. (Yes I know I spelled his name wrong - my XAH used that show as a form of torture requiring me to sit with him and listen to the same stories over and over).

What I didn't realize for a while was that that blissful silence was the beginning of healing.

I didn't have to react to someone abusive around me all the time; I wasn't interrupted every second moment; I didn't have to be vigilant about what was happening or going to happen next; I didn't have to pay attention to protect myself; I didn't have someone else at the center of my life, demanding something from me.

The next step for me was realizing what I DID have - -

Solitude and the opportunity to follow my own train of thought without interruption; freedom to listen to music or listen to the silence; freedom to choose my own environment, as it suited me; freedom to just relax, just sink into a comfy chair and just BE.

When I first left, I was shell-shocked, over stimulated by living in his alcoholic porn filled demanding and compelling presence.

I got to be ME again, on my own timetable. The first months were just letting go of all the reactive self-defensive knee-jerk almost autonomic responses I had developed to cope with my former life.

Then, as time went on, the silence led to introspection, a quiet and sustained sorting out of what had happened to me and how I truly felt. Healing, and finally, now, after 3 years gone, peace.

It will come for you too, and congratulations on making that possible.

ShootingStar1
got to be ME again, on my own timetable. The first months were just letting go of all the reactive self-defensive knee-jerk almost autonomic responses I had developed to cope with my former life.

Then, as time went on, the silence led to introspection, a quiet and sustained sorting out of what had happened to me and how I truly felt. Healing, and finally, now, after 3 years gone, peace.


I love what you wrote. I couldn't articulate it in a manner it made sense to other people only in my mind. I am still working hard to express myself it's coming little by little. thank you and good for you!
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Old 10-07-2015, 01:46 PM
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Love this thread, Pia.
Thank you.
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Old 10-07-2015, 03:08 PM
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Thank you so much for posting this. It's a marvelous example of the growth possible, in my case with a lot of Alanon. It helps a lot to write down all the things possible when we take back our lives. Bravo!
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Old 10-08-2015, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Thank you so much for posting this. It's a marvelous example of the growth possible, in my case with a lot of Alanon. It helps a lot to write down all the things possible when we take back our lives. Bravo!

At first I didn't think writing on paper actually worked but I know now how important it is to write down my thoughts. I learned from a book i'm reading to write down my thoughts the first 30 minutes you wake up because that is when you are vulnerable the most and not reacting to yourself in judgement. I love to do it now.
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Old 10-08-2015, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Pia View Post
At first I didn't think writing on paper actually worked but I know now how important it is to write down my thoughts. I learned from a book i'm reading to write down my thoughts the first 30 minutes you wake up because that is when you are vulnerable the most and not reacting to yourself in judgement. I love to do it now.
Love this. I just put a notebook & pen on my bedside table when I rearranged my bedroom last week.... and didn't know why. Now I do; thanks so much for sharing!!
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Old 10-08-2015, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Love this. I just put a notebook & pen on my bedside table when I rearranged my bedroom last week.... and didn't know why. Now I do; thanks so much for sharing!!
Working the exercises in this book has helped me so much. I hope you have great results.
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