Dating, and understanding the impact of my previous relationship
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Dating, and understanding the impact of my previous relationship
Well SR, despite not looking for partnership it turns out that I've found a woman with whom I share a mutual attraction, and we've already been on several dates with more planned in the future. She's incredibly smart, dedicated to her career, funny, beautiful, and shares several interests with me such as hiking, exercise, love of animals, and others.
She just relocated here from halfway across the country to pursue her professional medical career but kept her old cell phone number, and so we text each other multiple times daily since our plans both allow unlimited long distance text messages. Her work keeps her extremely busy and so she isn't always able to answer her text messages immediately, which made me realize the impact that my relationship with my AXW has left on me. Even though I logically know that her work keeps her from responding all the time, I still get anxious when I don't hear back from her for long stretches of time. I have a fear of abandonment left over from when my AXW found another man and dissolved our relationship, and I worry that this amazing woman I've just met might cast me aside.
After coming to that realization, I've made a resolution to accept who I am for myself, and continue to live my life doing what gives me fulfillment. My sense of validation has to come from how I feel about myself, not about how someone else feels about me. It is nice to feel loved, without a doubt. However, other people may come and go, but I am my own company more than anybody else, and whether or not I'm in a relationship with someone I need to be comfortable with myself first.
She just relocated here from halfway across the country to pursue her professional medical career but kept her old cell phone number, and so we text each other multiple times daily since our plans both allow unlimited long distance text messages. Her work keeps her extremely busy and so she isn't always able to answer her text messages immediately, which made me realize the impact that my relationship with my AXW has left on me. Even though I logically know that her work keeps her from responding all the time, I still get anxious when I don't hear back from her for long stretches of time. I have a fear of abandonment left over from when my AXW found another man and dissolved our relationship, and I worry that this amazing woman I've just met might cast me aside.
After coming to that realization, I've made a resolution to accept who I am for myself, and continue to live my life doing what gives me fulfillment. My sense of validation has to come from how I feel about myself, not about how someone else feels about me. It is nice to feel loved, without a doubt. However, other people may come and go, but I am my own company more than anybody else, and whether or not I'm in a relationship with someone I need to be comfortable with myself first.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I can relate! I'm not a naturally jealous girl, and I hate to keep tabs on my partner. But I find that I become very uneasy when I don't hear from a boyfriend... even if I KNOW what he is up to. I have a hard time trusting....
It's good that you are aware of it! I actively practice not thinking myself into a frenzy... doesn't always work! But that's what is necessary for me to move forward in a relationship....
It's good that you are aware of it! I actively practice not thinking myself into a frenzy... doesn't always work! But that's what is necessary for me to move forward in a relationship....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Great post, Thomas !
I think we all have some battle scars from living with an active alcoholic. Just because we are no longer in that situation doesn't mean we have forgotten.
I think you are doing great.
This being connected 24/7 is not necessarily our friend.
Try to relax and enjoy your new relationship, sounds like you found a special someone. Very Happy for you.
I think we all have some battle scars from living with an active alcoholic. Just because we are no longer in that situation doesn't mean we have forgotten.
I think you are doing great.
This being connected 24/7 is not necessarily our friend.
Try to relax and enjoy your new relationship, sounds like you found a special someone. Very Happy for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Thomas45 
My sense of validation has to come from how I feel about myself, not about how someone else feels about me. It is nice to feel loved, without a doubt. However, other people may come and go, but I am my own company more than anybody else, and whether or not I'm in a relationship with someone I need to be comfortable with myself first.
The part of your post I quoted was extremely inspirational for me today. Thanks for sharing it!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 59
I could have written this myself. I, have also met someone that lives very close to me and we get along really well. I've tried not to let old demons cloud my recovery but at times its hard. Validating myself and still living my life is the most important part. She is extremely supportive of my situation which has helped immensely. Good luck to you. Life does go on.
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