firebolt

Hey guys.

Small check in - doing OK! Sad and lonely at times, happy go lucky, immersing my friends with friends and family at times. Working my @$& off on myself at times too. Spent some time with XABF - he wants me back. I said no - your drinking makes us both crazy. I need to stop communication there - I am in a good place, and not doing either of us any favors by hanging out. I'll get there. Not feeling like I want to run back - I know the misery there, and am not THAT masochistic anymore. Taking care of myself (eating right, sleeping, exercising), spending too much $, and I need to reign myself in there. Life is generally good...

On the self help front, my codie self want's to share some gems with you all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jodhovumkHQ
Thats just a really great TedX talk.

Conquering Codependency and Shame. It's a book, and it is changing my life. The origins of my codependency have been a mystery to me since realizing I am codependent. Every page is at least one "wholly &h!t" moment for me. I feel like the wool is being pulled from my eyes - in a really, really great way.

Conversations with God. Another book, a friend told me about. All about codependency and relationships and loving ourselves - without saying that damn word.

Wisconsin

So very, very glad to hear things are going well, fb! <3

healthyagain

Good to hear you're doing ok, firebolt!

And wow and thanks for the video! Yep, this is exactly how it was in my relationship, but I so wanted to preserve that relationship! And ignored one red flag after another after another.

Perhaps we should be grateful for learning a valuable lesson and also learning to love and appreciate ourselves.

unsureoffuture

Nice to hear your update firebolt! Congrats on getting out there and living! Your recognition of the situation with your ex and not taking him back shows how strong your are and just how far you have come. Great job. I see so many positive things in your future.

FireSprite

Woohoo for another positive update, so happy for you!

I'm always up for another great TED video, thanks!!!!

Pia

That was a great video thank you for sharing. I enjoyed the pig analogy makes sense.

firebolt

Thanks guys. I have to admit some numbness on the xabf and future relationships front. I'm scared I won't be able to FEEL anything for someone. Right now, I just feel sad for myself for not seeing this issue in me, even though I know I had to make these choices, and have certain people in my life to get to the place I am working on getting to now.

Some cool / crazy / and sometimes scary things that are really standing out to me:

instant gratification - I want to fix my 'self problems' NOW, but I know it is a life long journey. That is really difficult to accept. I am armed and ready, but am an admittedly fairly un - self - motivated person, and I dread my stall.

normal and normalizing NOT normal stuff - part of my issues lie in not knowing what normal is (as far as codependency). I know my attachment and reliance on others happiness is NOT normal. I am having a hard time seeing the line between being a helpful and caring person, and where I begin to neglect myself for the sake of others. I also am having a hard time seeing what is acceptable for me in any relationship. I know I need to accept people for who they are and I am getting better, but in a world where noone is perfect, what is too much for ME to deal with.

Perfection. see 'normal' above. This all blurs together for me - I'm foggy in both areas. With regards to me and to others. Haha i guess see existential crisis below too. This whole mess is one big connected chain, isn't it?!

boundaries - I am getting them! I've said NO more in the last 2 months than I have in my whole life - HAHA!!!

Last - Who the EFF am I?! And why can't I answer that?! I don't know who I am. My true self. I know what I want to be like, who I admire, who I don't like, but that's all just comparisons to other people. I know that's like partial textbook midlife crisis, and textbook codie. I know some things I like to do - hell I've tried pretty much every hobby. I know some things that give me some peace. I know what makes me laugh and cry, but I'm having a mini existential crisis at 38, and I am not sure how to tackle that, or the general feeling of unease that I have about it right now. How do you move forward with assertiveness towards your goals keeping whats good, discarding the rest and bettering yourself when you really deep down don't know what any of that is?

OK I'm just rambling now, but I do feel a bit lost. Not like lost when I was with XABF and blind to my issues. Lost in how to fix myself which is weird, cause I always seemed to know how to fix others....

Liveitwell

You are amazing....that's who you are! For you to be questioning these things, remarkable-that starts the journey! I sometimes feel the same way-everything you described above. It used to scare the s**t out of me-but now I embrace it and figure it's all part of this journey of life. To be out of denial is a wonderful thing. Wishing you peace and many blessings!

FireSprite

I can't even tell you how infuriating this is for me too. It IS an identity crisis of sorts & it SHOCKED me to be so disconnected from myself.

It's far better for me now that I have awareness of it & have been tackling it, but I still struggle at times. Go easy on yourself fire, you can't Do Better until you Know Better & that's exactly what you're doing now. Instead, have fun discovering yourself!!

Katchie

Firebolt,
Thanks for putting into words how I feel. I've tried to explain this to someone, but words absolutley escape me and I end up feeling like a tongue tied ding dong. I mean, when someone close to me asks and I try to explain what's going on with me, can't the sighs, grunts, numerous hand gestures, and pained expressions on my face say it all to the listener? Yep, no words, just a a mute.
Anway, I appreciate the WORDS you have written that will help me give voice to my poor tortured innards. I also appreciate you sharing what you are reading.
Wish I had some advice..lol!!! Hugs

firebolt

Thanks for listening, and letting me know I'm not alone!

oh - I forgot to list Codependency no More podcasts. That guy gets some great guests. There are 15 or 16 episodes and they are fantastic. I still don't know what I'm doing, but hoping it's going to click once I cram enough information into my head!

Katchie - I feel the same - so hard to put into words. I was listening to one of those podcasts on how our inner child's growth was stunted and led us to where we are and it made SO MUCH SENSE. Could I verbalize it to tell someone? hell no - but I feel it so that's good too! lol

CarryThatWeight

Great video! Her bullet point timeline of the bad relationship fit my relationship with the alcoholic to a T!

Katchie

I finally sat down and watched the TED video and something really hit me. She talked about the bachelorette and how the girl didn't pick one of the two men that were good to her and madly in love with her; instead, she fell for the guy who didn't love her. I realized that this is how I ended up with my ex all those years ago. Every guy that was good to me I dumped for my ex who didn't pay me any particular attention and not really that into me. I can also relate to the thought of, "I hope he likes me" verses "I hope I like him". I've had this mentality and I don't want to carry it over into the next relationship. I want the next pick to last.
Thanks for sharing the video!

Liveitwell

Katchie-totally understand and relate. I too overlooked some pretty major red flags-okay, they were beacons-not flags....and I want to be healthy enough for the next relationship God intends for me. Not going down this road again!