caretaker88

I am new here and I am basically looking for some support and resources. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and went to a very well known treatment facility for a 28 day stay about 5-6 years ago. After about 2 years of sobriety, he started drinking again. When I asked him why, he said he was really lonely. He said he went to treatment because he felt his alcoholism was causing his family to fall apart, which was probably true. When he returned from treatment, he walked in his own home, finding his wife with another man. He said he left and got a small apartment and tried to start over. He said he had to make new friends and it was very difficult, because he has terrible anxiety (likely what he was using the alcohol to medicate for). He said that he kind of got "sick of being the only one sober" everywhere he went and felt very alone. I asked how it progressed and he told me that he started out just having a couple and then it went from there. I asked how long it was before he was binge drinking again and he said "about a week". We got together about 3 years ago, after he started drinking again. We both have children from our previous marriages and we are now all living together. He has no problem admitting that he has a major problem; he has always been open with me about it. At first, because I was not familiar with alcoholism, I would have a few drinks with him, and would occasionally get drunk with him. Now I know better. I no longer drink with him or really drink at all. He keeps telling me that he needs to go back to treatment and I continue to encourage him to do so. I feel like we will never have the great relationship that I think we have to potential to reach, if he continues to drink. I keep our children from seeing him drunk, but I know that they know something is not right. I am beginning to think he is hitting rock-bottom, because he now talks about getting things organized with work, the house and our kids so that he can go. I know he is scared, because he says that he is. The thing is, I am scared too. But, I am tired of walking on egg shells when he is around, just trying to guage his mood and how much he has had to drink. We have never had a relationship when he was sober, so I am scared that he will not want me in his life anymore when he gets sober. I am sad and scared about that, but I don't care either. If he gets sober and leaves me, I will be okay with that. I am willing to take that chance. I am just wondering if this is all "lip service" or if it really does look like he is going to go. How will I know? What can I do to help make it happen? I know this is premature, but I don't even know how to act when he does make the decision to go or when I visit or when he comes home? I am so lost.

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you need to be here but it is good you came. What your boyfriend is going through is rather common. People think rehab fixes everything but it is merely the first step.

Long term sobriety requires a lifetime of work. Everything needs to change, especially a person's mindset. When he left rehab did he join AA or any other program? Did he do therapy? These types of things are essential for the alcoholic to heal. They will also provide him with opportunities for a new group of friends and more social outlets.

Regarding your relationship it is impossible to know if things will work out long term. Actions count but words mean nothing. It would be a really good idea if you joined Al-Anon or another program for friends and family of addicts. You need support as well. And by all means please continue posting here. This counts as support as well.

9111111

Hey welcome. Great to cyber-meet you, but sorry for what brings you here.
"What can I do to help make it happen?" - In response to your question and referring to your name, I guess there are several ways to take care of yourself, your kids and your partner.

As happybeingme already mentioned there's the AA /Al-Anon and Al-Ateen groups, counselling for everyone in the family to help deal with the addiction but also anxiety PTSD or depression that quite a few family members develop, and also programs like SMART or CRAFT for those who want to try to change the dynamics within their partnerships and families (there's a special section in this forum for people in Craft and Smart).

I know how hard addiction is on the family and how unpredictable and terryfing life can become, but there's ample of help and people who understand out there - you're not alone

Hawkeye13

It is not good for your children to be growing up with an alcoholic--
If you are walking on eggshells, how are they feeling inside?

SparkleKitty

Seeing someone drink is not what damages the children of alcoholics. Living with someone whose addiction causes them to prioritize alcohol over literally everything else is what does it. I grew up constantly trying to manage my mother's moods -- she was so good at hiding her drinking that I didn't even know she was an alcoholic until I was 19 years old. By then the damage was already done. By then I had learned that everyone else's emotional states were my responsibility, and that my own feelings, needs, and desires were irrelevant.

My father tried to protect us, but what he was really doing was protecting her addiction. By refusing to allow her to suffer the consequences of her actions, she never had to change. While she was prioritizing drinking, he was prioritizing her. The kids just got lost in the chaos.

I grew up and got involved with one emotionally unavailable person after another, and even when I was lucky enough to stumble into a relationship with a relatively healthy person, I sabotaged it because I believed I did not deserve it. With the others I turned myself inside out to make them happy, and failed. It wasn't until I entered therapy that I learned the only person who could bring me happiness, and whose happiness was my responsibility, was me.

That's the reality of Adult Children of Alcoholics. You have choices here in this. Your children do not. At the very least, please do not try to hide what is happening in your home from them. Secrets destroyed my self-esteem. For lack of a better explanation, I assumed everything was my fault. This is a family disease. Please check out Al-Anon and if the kids are old enough, Alateen.

dandylion

caretaker.....go to the list of stickies.....at the top of this main page. Then, select the one called: "Classic Readings". Scroll though the classic readings until you find the one titled: "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"
That article will give you a good gauge to tell where he is at.....

dandylion

caretaker88

Oh my gosh you guys! I came to this forum grasping at straws. I didn't really think anyone would respond or help. You guys are so awesome! Thank you! I know I will be back here often and hopefully be able to help others someday as well. I think I really needed this! People who can relate. Finally. I am looking into Al-Anon meetings in my area and I hope I can get to one really soon.
In the mean time, I am an avid reader. Are there any really good and helpful books out there that I could read? I am trying to understand all of the dynamics, including my own. Thanks in advance, because I know you guys will have great advice.

Godismyrock

I recommend Marriage on the Rocks by Janet Woititz. It gave me a lot of comfort and peace.