Appreciate advice, ideas please
 

I have known a woman for about 5 weeks. She is educated, intelligent, nice company on the 2 occasions we actually spent time together. She sends me nice chat messages often. Yes, she does drink.

She lives about 150 miles away and drives to my city every 2 weeks. She messages me in a lovely way she will meet me on the day she departs her area, usually a Friday. 2 out of 2 times (1 month) fails to show up but may send a nice sticker on Line. Fails to reply to my chat messages but reads them.

Typically later she apologizes but seems to happen over and over again.


Thank you

Steve, when people are first getting to know each other, in the dating phase, they are generally on their best behavior. If she treats you like this when she's in that "best behavior" phase, what do you think it could be like further down the road? Would that be good enough for you? Is this good enough for you, now? I suspect it's not, or you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place.

I've read here "don't make someone a priority when you are only an option to them." I've also read "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Of course, it's your decision, but in your shoes, I think I'd give this a pass. I'd like someone to treat me better than this, even as "just a friend."

What about the concept that alcohol is talking and not the person inside?

What about it?

Do you KNOW that drinking is causing this, for a fact? And if so, what indication do you have that she wants to get sober and show you that wonderful "person inside" that you think is there? Do you think you can love her into recovery, somehow save her from herself?

It seems like an awful lot of speculation is going on. Even assuming that you do have the actual facts, it's a lot to take on for someone you've only known at a distance for 5 weeks...

You've known her for 5 weeks, met her twice. She's been in town several other times according to you, but she didn't make an effort to see you. Maybe she's seeing someone else when she's there? At any rate, sure, she might write some lovely texts...but alcohol or no, when they don't respond, over and over, they aren't that serious about us.

I've seen her disassociate on occasion while drinking.

If she is seeing someone else why make the plan with me to meet?

Another thing I recall, on both occasions while together she was fielding calls from guy(s) Even asked to go to the other room for a video call.

The first time we met first she was amicable and friendly. Was at a club and she initiated dancing with me.A few minutes later she became enraged when I initiated dancing.

Steve, this is one roller-coaster ride I wouldn't be buying a ticket for.

FeelingGreat,

We all know too well the rollercoaster LOL. My ex AW introduced me to it. This girl may be the space shuttle hehe

I wrote a message in a non blaming, non critical way saying the problems she's having (financial, family, friends) is the alcohol talking and not the nice person inside. She did not get enraged but understood and did not disagree.

If you are seeing this tip of the iceberg at five weeks, who knows what dangers lurk beneath?

Taking calls from other guys when with you is a pretty big flag of disrespect, drinking or no.

Her getting "enraged" shows lack of emotional maturity / control this early in dating as well.

Whatever her sober potential, I think I also advise you to get clear while you can.

Take it very, very slow.
Things don't seem to be adding up right.
Usually an indication of what's coming down the road.
MM

Enraged was not while dating. That was when we first met. I initiated dancing from the left flank so she didn't actually see who it was. I know well alcohol is in the picture, but since after going through hell and back with my ex aw in a way i have quite an understanding of alcohol. Read textbooks on it, attended alanon, even attended AA open meetings to see what they go through.

I think she is also a bit spoiled by wealth, but not malicious.

I have no expectations, just play it by ear.

Taking calls from other guys when with you is a pretty big flag of disrespect, drinking or no.

Yes and no. Perhaps she sees me as an "upgrade"

seems like you're settling for some pretty big emotional compromises already

Your choice, of course, but alcoholism untreated gets worse, not better.

You're codependency is playing games with you. She is not two separate beings. The mess she has created of her life and the nice woman are two sides of the same person. It's not something that you can change.

What you accept, is what will continue.

Her actions speak volumes. Her "lovely" words are meaningless.

It's only been 5 short weeks, and yet a repeated pattern of behavior is surfacing.

my suggestion,

RUN

many an alcoholic becomes furious when you insinuate alcohol is causing the problems.
not getting angry and being receptive to this is considered a positive in addictionology.

it is not my goal to fix her. only get together occasionally although i got an invitation to visit her city.

i also feel compassion and sympathy since i learned a whole lot with my ex.

Steve, you seem to have your mind pretty much made up as to what you want to do in this situation. You titled the thread "Appreciate advice, ideas please", but so far it is a litany of why the advice and ideas offered don't apply in this case. It seems you're looking to be told that yes, you should jump in w/both feet and damn the torpedoes, it doesn't matter that she apparently has a drinking problem and may or may not actually even be interested in you. (Really? Taking calls from other guys when she is with you is b/c she sees you as an "upgrade"? From what?)

And it's great that you feel compassion and sympathy, but how will that change anything? She is still an active A w/no desire to change (so far as you've said), and as such is not going to be relationship material, unless your idea of a relationship is a stream of lies and pain, followed by more lies and more pain.

I see you've been a member here for over 10 years. If you think you've gained enough wisdom and insight to "dance w/the devil" in this way, then go for it. You certainly do not need anyone's permission and/or blessing to do so.

Have you asked yourself why it is you feel so compelled to try to save someone who you really scarcely even know, and who apparently has no desire to be saved? In the end, it's not about her at all, but all about you...

Well, you went through this once before, so clearly you know what you are getting into.

I went through a nasty period with an addict, and what I came away with was that I definitely will not allow addiction into my life again. That's just me though.

Good luck!

I have few expectations. perhaps simply a nice friend on occasion. I look the friendship component as most important. I cannot argue with all the sound advice I received. I am not trying to save her because we all know it doesn't work that way.