My Instincts Were Right!
 

And thank you to everyone who supported my need to reach out with my last post about whether or not to trust my gut feeling that my abf is drinking again...

Last week I had decided to tell him that I was aware that he was drinking. I didn't give him ultimatums or tell him what to do, but in my own need to keep reality as reality I needed to bring to light what I knew.... for me. And well, after several hours of not hearing from him after I sent my text and he defensively argued with me, he finally texted me that I was right. And that he was lying to himself and that it wasn't right how he tried to go about lying to me. A few days later he went to a meeting and he enjoyed it.

Fast forward to last night and he did the disappearing act (we don't live together, but I didn't hear from at all last night; I knew something was up). At around 4 AM I get a text that says his friends left him for dead and that he had been through hell last night. I simply sent him a text explaining that sometimes the changes we need to make mean changing our "friends" as well. And then I told him I love him and sent him a link to all the AA meetings in our area.

I just wanna say this... I could on and on about his drinking or not drinking, but I am now at a place where that is NOT why I am posting. I am actually quite proud of myself. I stuck to my own personal boundary of NOT checking my phone at night and losing sleep over worrying about him. I let it on silent and didn't answer the text until I woke up this morning. I also didn't engage with anything in his text that was alcoholic thinking... such as him thinking that spending the night with me will be the answer to curtail his drinking. Instead, I sent him an AA link. And I didn't demand that he goes. I just offered it and left it alone. That's progress for me!

We have plans to go to a baseball game tonight with the kids. We also had plans to go out this morning to our favorite breakfast place. Obviously breaksfast is squashed. But not the baseball game. We'll still go....

I don't know if that's my hope or my own version of not living in reality, but I read something somewhere from a SMART Recovery website once that stuck with me and really resonated with my spirit. It's something like, when there is active drinking, detach and get out of the way. But when there is a cry for help and a step in the right direction, encourage that.... the point is to allow the good times to be good so that the alcoholic can sort out for him/herself the positive experience that sobriety can bring.

Now don't get me wrong here... I still have in mind that I can and will step away as necessary. Right now he and I don't have too many ties so that his drinking affects my life directly any more than the lies and the worrying... I am also aware that my approach has absolutely NO bearing on whether or not he is going to drink. It's not really my goal to get him to stop by going to the game tonight and "proving" to him that sobriety is better. My goal is just to enjoy the evening and appreciate it for what it is.

And that's it. Gosh... I've really come a long way. I actually woke up rested and not in knots over his drinking...
Sweet!!!

"SWEET"!

dandylion

Awesome! Im still learning and this is very inspirational to me -- I thank you for sharing!

Nice job LemonGirl!

Awesome post LG! Good for you. :)

LG-you rocked it! Seriously-thank you for your post-inspirational for many, I'm sure. Have a great weekend. Knowledge is power!

Woot Woot... I swear Lemon, I just got off my chair to check the pasta and did a jig towards the kitchen as I chanted " go lemon, go lemon, go lemon....." Lol
My son thinks I'm bananas! Lol
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Stay strong girl!!!

What a great post. Thank you sharing!!!!

The best approach for you and him. I wonder if he notices the change in your attitude?

I'm glad you were able to take it easy this time and not let his drinking keep you up all night. Does it bother you that he's been lying to you about it? This wondering whether to trust your gut has been pretty exhausting for you on other nights and the subject of a few of your posts recently. I imagine it must be hard to trust him at this point.

I do think it's possible to rise above the worry to some extent, but it might also be a good idea to know what your bottom line is. He's been back a month, and has been drinking and lying to you, it sounds like, the entire time? Are you willing to continue with him drinking indefinitely and just try to hang out with him when he's sober--or really in the case of last night, maybe nursing a hangover? Or do you feel like you will need to set more boundaries at some point?

I'm so glad to hear you don't live together. Everyone is different in how they handle a situation keep working on you and think about what your future looks like with him.

Good for you! I remember when my mind made the switch...it's an amazing feeling to change your perspective! Well done!

Be proud of your progress, you're inspiring me personally. A small step in the right direction is a small victory IMO. Keep working your program, what's meant to be will be. The truth will always reveal itself.

omgosh!!! THANX so much everyone! That makes me feel so good to know that I'm on the right path... =)

Definitely no plans to move in together as long as he is at it. And the thing about drinking is that it will eventually affect me in other ways, and when or if that happens, I can make necessary adjustments then I suppose.... Even if for now he is keeping his drinking separate from me and my girls and his time alone. He's really been complaining a lot lately how when he is alone is when he seems to be struggling. I told him I understood and that he has many resources available to him if he needed it (insert me not rescuing him, here. lol).

I also made it clear over the weekend that 'I need to know he is going to work towards sobriety in order for me to feel safe about moving in with him...' And he agreed.... So... I put that out there.

I am living with my alcoholic mother right now and our lease is up next August. And no matter what, I am moving out then. I am looking into apartments and figuring out a plan that does not involve moving in with my abf. Time will tell how things might change, but I am not including him in this plan for now because my focus is on me.

I only work part time, but I am also looking into how to further my career. So maybe at first I will have to struggle with just me and my girls in a little studio apartment, but eventually, I will make this work. I am slowly getting over my fears of struggling financially... Turns out there are a lot of us going through that financial struggle! Can't wait to get my vote in (in the U.S.) next election!

:c011:

I would be weary of moving in with someone who a) is not sober b) does not work a program c) has zero recovery time under their belt. For your sake (as well as your girls) I would tread very lightly in this until you see a noticeable change. Recovery/Addiction is a lifelong thing. You'll need to decide if this is what you ultimately want to consider dealing with forever...Sending you good vibes! Keep taking care of YOU

If you find the time to watch this, it's a great talk. I found it on another post in our forum. X

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jodhovumkHQ

Thanx for that! I've seen this before, actually. I do agree with her that we date the unavailable person....

BUT, I could never ask my friends and family for advice. As a codependent, I have found that so many of my "close" friends and family don't actually really know ME. Too many of them would pick men for me that are far too docile and lack any artistic talent so that they don't outshine my own vocal talents. But in reality, I'd rather have a partner that can match my wit and my musical inclinations.

But boy howdy... Soooooo tired of the Peter Pans! She is on to something there and how it is like an "addiction"....

LOVE Ted talks, too, btw... So much good stuff!!!!