CarryThatWeight

Moving day is a week from today. My RAH yelled at me, like usual, and said that he wanted out of the marriage, and me out of the house, like usual. I have heard it so many times but this time I just turned a corner somehow and said ok. That was about three weeks ago. I have been waiting for my apartment to be ready and packing all my things. In the meantime, he has been spending all his time at a casino (from one addiction to another). He leaves before I get home from work and doesn't come home until after I'm asleep. He is asleep when I leave for work. When he is here, like now, he won't talk to me and when he does he's rude. We are still sleeping in the same bed. Despite all this, I still love this man and when I reach over in the night and feel that he's there, I so badly don't want to let go. I want to make it work one more time. I know logically that he doesn't want me and doesn't love me. He's the one who is filing for divorce. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, which I've only recently been able to accept, and I know I am doing the right thing in leaving. But still, the pull toward him is so strong even when he treats me like crap. I really can't imagine how sick I must be to want to stay with a man like that. I cry every day on the way to work because losing him hurts so bad. But on the other hand, I remember a thousand times he's hurt my feelings and treated me badly, and then I feel relief. My emotions are all over the place and it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I am terrified of living alone again and having to do the single life. I've always wanted to be married. So, I go to meetings and go to work and do all the stuff you have to do when you move, and try to just take one day at a time. I just have to get through today. I hope I can find the strength to let this be a clean break and go no contact.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know people here understand and I appreciate this site a lot.

SeriousKarma

Oh CTW, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I think the sadness and anxiety you feel moving forward is understandable. I feel it too. But less and less the farther I get away from my marriage.

I have to wonder if sleeping in the same bed isn't making it harder for you to let go. How could it not. Let's face it, for many of us the only time our alcoholics are the people we want them to be is when they're sleeping. I use to stare at my sleeping (passed out) XAH and try desperately to will him back to the person he used to be. Hmmm. Actually, the image of me staring over his sleeping body, trying to mind control him, is kinda creepy. Isn't it . Anyway, the point is that it was much easier for me to move on once we were no longer in the same house. I think it will be for you too.

(((((((( hugs )))))))))

CarryThatWeight

Yes, you hit the nail on the head! The only time I can deceive myself into thinking he is who I want him to be is when he's asleep. Haha, I guess I'm trying to mind control him too. I'm sure you're also right about being in the same bed with him. Only a few more days. I do struggle with the finality of that though... in a few days, I'll sleep next to him for the LAST time ever. I don't know if I can handle that. I wanted forever, that's why I married him. I sure hope it will be better once I move out.

Thank you for the understanding and hugs!

Liveitwell

I totally understand your feelings....btdt. The finality of it hits like a ton of bricks because let's face it, how many times did we say we weren't ever going back? How many times did we threaten? How many times did we go back on our word? How many times did we give them one more chance and believe their words? Until the one time we don't-and then we get to see how strong we truly are! I had a hard time swallowing and breathing for a while my anxiety was so bad. But God got me through it and showed me without a doubt I made the best decision for myself and kiddos at the time with the information I had. You will be ok-I know this bc I was you less than a year ago-and people told me the same thing (I didn't believe it). Peace and much love to you.

CarryThatWeight

I am still caretaking too. He doesn't want anything to do with me, yet I'm still worried about him. I cook dinner and he doesn't eat when I do, so I put it in the fridge and when I get up in the morning I check and see if he ate. I feel relieved if he did eat. I also feel bad when he says he has to leave the house when I'm there, so I usually reassure him that we won't talk so he doesn't have to leave. I realize these are unhealthy patterns--why am I caretaking someone who doesn't care about me--but I'm not sure what to do about it? I should be angry with him, because he's a jerk 85% of the time. Sometimes I am, but mostly not. I worry about him. Will he be ok without me? How will he get by financially (I make more money)?

SeriousKarma

CTW, I just went back and reread your first post. What an ass!

But, I get it. Whether he's an ass or not, you're stuck in an unhealthily pattern with him where he has way too much sway on your emotional health.

A little brain rewiring might be in order to put you back in the drivers seat of your own happiness. Sometimes a concious effort toward making ourselves whole can go a long way. Here's an example that I've given before on this forum.

My marriage was dead in the water. Had been for a number of years. My alcoholic husband had had a number of affairs and was going way off the deep end into his addiction. My ego was severely beaten. I was hitting middle age, throwing on a few unwanted pounds, and the great love of my life, who was getting better looking by the day despite his addiction, was getting his milk from other cows. Yet, I still loved him and pined for the person he had been in the early half of our 23 year marriage. I loved being married, and desperately wanted to cling to any hope that our marriage could be saved. Still, and this is important,I was the one to file for divorce. I hired an attorney without him knowing, and had him served.

Bam! That one act on my part turned my ego around. He no longer was the driver of my fate, and I started seeing the whole picture through clearer eyes. I was still a good looking woman, he was no super model, and the women in his life where as broken as he was.

You need to give yourself a hand up. Figure out some way of boosting your ego. I don't know. Maybe pee in his food before you put it in the fridge . You are going to be better off out of this relationship, and you know it. You just need to hold your head high and own that. Fake it till you make it.

CarryThatWeight

Forourgirls, thank you so much for the reply. You are so right about the finality of it, because when you break up so many times, but this time is different, it does hit you like a ton of bricks. I have faith too and I have been praying a lot. I do feel like God is helping me get through this, and like you, deep down I know this will be better in the long run. The pain will get better over time, and soon I will be a year out like you and able to say I got through it!

SeriousKarma, you made me laugh with the pee in his food idea! Thanks for reminding me that I am strong. This time when he said he wanted out of the marriage, instead of begging him to stay and give me another chance (you know, because I was always the one who screwed up), I went and got an apartment. I think it shocked him. He didn't think I would actually do it. I will hold onto this as my moment of self esteem boosting. And you're so right, deep down I know this relationship is unhealthy and can't be repaired, because he does not think he ever does anything wrong, and therefore is not willing to do any work to make it better. Everything is my fault, always. It definitely does beat your self esteem down. I am glad you got out of your situation and are here offering wisdom to those who are going through it! Thanks so much.