Money - What's the "right" thing to do?
 

Hello,

I am really struggling to make the best decision. My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 3 years now. His alcoholism is getting progressively worse. At one time he did have money and when I needed help he loaned me money. Now that he is starting to hit rock bottom, he is wanting me to pay him back. Im torn, while I do "owe" him this money. If I give it to him, I feel i will be enabling his alcoholism even more. I told him i will pay him back when he is ready to get help, but I refuse to enable him any longer. Of course he's flipping out, threatening me, tells me how much he hates me, doesn't love me anymore, etc. While I agree I do owe him the money, I just can't stand the thought ill be enabling him more. I realize he is an adult and oh I dont know what the best thing to do here is. If anyone can please give me thoughts or has had experience with this and could give me some insight, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

I don't see how you are enabling paying him back you actually owe him. It's his choice and decision to do with that money as he pleases. If you hold back the money he'll try to hold that over you for leverage and things like even more money. Sounds like you can make a clean break at this point. Take advantage of it.

You admit you owe him money. He is an adult. You have no say as to how he spends that money. You should repay him ASAP.

Then get out of the way when the train wreck ensues.

That's my short and sweet take on the situation. Hope it didn't sound harsh.

I agree, it's his money. How he spends it is none of your business. If you agreed to repay him when he gave it to you, then that's what you need to do.

It may be time to tell him to take that money and put it toward his new away-from-you apartment if you two are currently living together.

^^^^^ I agree with Honey^^^^^

Regardless of whether you give him the money or not he is going to continue to drink. Pay him the money you owe him so you do not have to hear about it anymore.

Thanks for the replies. I guess my thought is if I keep giving him money, albeit I do owe it to him. It just gives him more money to continue to drink every single day. Which is what he is doing. Sigh. So confused.

That's true but I still think it's more controlling to withhold a debt you owe than it is enabling to give him his money.

Extracting yourself financially from him is probably a good idea in its own right.

Write a check to have a record, and distance yourself from him physically and financially.

He will do what he's going to do, but that doesn't obligate you to witness it.

Give him the amount you owe him and not a penny more.

That is not enabling it's paying off a debt.

I agree also that it is time you end things for your own sanity.

I agree. This is exactly what I was going to say. Once he is paid off you can make a clean break.

I agree with the previous posters. You owe him the money; what he does with it is out of your control and should not be a factor in determining whether or not you repay your debt. After repayment, you can make a clear decision on the future of your relationship.

pay him, then run far far away.

You DO owe him the m oney....so the "right" this is to pay it. I will be constant fighting about it until you do.
You can't control his drinking, anyway. You can't protect him from the natural consequences of his drinking. What he does with the money is his decision and it is on him.
I know you would love to control his drinking in some way in order to hang on to the relationship. But....you didn't cause it; you can't fix it; and, you can't control it.

This is likely as good as it is going to get.

dandylion

honey he is going to continue to drink if you pay him back or not, just pay him back and move on and be glad you're not down the road with kids and a legal marriage - escape NOW.

I understand what you're saying...I felt the same too at one point, but after 6 months of al anon I'm realizing..You can't stop him from drinking. Whether or not you give him the money, he will find resources regardless to get a bottle.

Give him the money and run.

I agree with the consensus. Honoring your debts is more important than trying to control his alcoholism at the expense of your credibility.

Pay him back as soon as you have money. You are certainly not protecting him and he is entitled to his money.

You are not giving him money. You are returning a loan. It's not a gift; it's repayment of a loan and you are obligated to pay him back.

You are NOT obligated to GIVE him any money after that, so don't.

Pay him what you owe, and then you're done, right? What he does with it is his choice. It's his money anyway.

I think this -

I guess my thought is if I keep giving him money, albeit I do owe it to him. It just gives him more money to continue to drink every single day.

- is a backdoor way of trying to control him. You haven't really given up the idea yet that you have power over him and what you choose to do makes a difference in what he does.

That's just not true, as much as we would like it to be.

He is a grown man with the right to choose to drink no matter what you think about it. Time to focus on what you need to do for you, not what the consequences of what you do in relationship to him are on what he chooses to do.

I'd say pay, with check and receipt, and truly move on.

Time for you to be the center of your own life.

ShootingStar1

Yep, and pay him by check so you have record of it in case his pickled brain forgets you paid him.

Hugs