Today's A New Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Today's A New Day
Finally having a conversation with my ah. He is so arrogant. Refusing to leave, stating this situation is my fault. No apologies for the name calling, I made him do it!! I told him I don't like what I'm becoming!! He then proceeded to tell me he doesn't either. Doesn't feel he's should be sorry for the c, b, names, I deserved them. Doesn't feel bad about calling me unattractive, and talking to my gf about our lack if a sex life when I wasn't present. Then he claims, I invited her, she's my friend. Then why would he talk to any other woman about me!!! I told him I will be looking for a place to live, since I'm not living this way anymore. I told him I know we'll continue to drink. Then he says, that he doesn't drink every night. I said, doesn't matter. I also told him if he does drink in front of me, I'm calling the police. My ah then reports, they can't do anything if I'm in my own home. I then stated they can if I don't feel safe!!! He has at least 50 guns in the house!! I know. My ah isn't really listening, it's pretty obvious. I'm just going to start my plan with no more conversation. I feel I did the right thing by telling him. Now I just need the strength and courage to follow through. Thank you all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon....I feel that you are smart to start your plan with out any additional conversation about it. Talking and debating about it will not get you anywhere but more frustrated.
When making your own boundaries, you are not required to defend or explain yourself.
When a person attempts to upset the applecart by trying to take away the alcoholics ability to drink.....it is the same as taking their life's blood way.
No matter who that person is....they are viewed by the alcoholic as the "enemy".
It is fruitless to expect co-operation, apologies, respectful behavior.....or any other good stuff, in this kind of situation.
He views his drinking as the solution (for his problems and feelings).....and, you view his drinking as the problem.......lol! it is a kind of "war".
With the guns in the house, it does not sound very safe for you to have an angry and intoxicated person, with the ability to use them, in your environment. (I assume that he has ******** for all of them).
I think that alanon would be a very good resource for you, right now. You could use the validation and support for what you are going through. It is so good to be around people who truly understand, more than words can say, what it is li k e to deal with an alcoholic in your life.
It is good that you understand the necessity to enforce everything you say.
Never state a boundary to an alcoholic that you won't or can't enforce.
they catch on very quickly if you mean what you say ....or not......
dandylion
When making your own boundaries, you are not required to defend or explain yourself.
When a person attempts to upset the applecart by trying to take away the alcoholics ability to drink.....it is the same as taking their life's blood way.
No matter who that person is....they are viewed by the alcoholic as the "enemy".
It is fruitless to expect co-operation, apologies, respectful behavior.....or any other good stuff, in this kind of situation.
He views his drinking as the solution (for his problems and feelings).....and, you view his drinking as the problem.......lol! it is a kind of "war".
With the guns in the house, it does not sound very safe for you to have an angry and intoxicated person, with the ability to use them, in your environment. (I assume that he has ******** for all of them).
I think that alanon would be a very good resource for you, right now. You could use the validation and support for what you are going through. It is so good to be around people who truly understand, more than words can say, what it is li k e to deal with an alcoholic in your life.
It is good that you understand the necessity to enforce everything you say.
Never state a boundary to an alcoholic that you won't or can't enforce.
they catch on very quickly if you mean what you say ....or not......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Zircon, is YOU leaving the house if he drinks an option?
I know it doesn't seem "fair" or "right" for you to be the one to leave, but I am not sure the police can help you in that situation, guns or no guns.
I hear a lot of wanting him to be punished for his bad behavior and ridiculous arguments, and I understand that feeling well. In the end, I had to pursue my own peace of mind and let go of trying to convince by XABF that he was wrong and I was right. I was blowing out all of my energy on winning an unwinnable argument. He actually does have the right to behave however he wishes to, whether you like it or not. You, however, are not chained to those choices.
I know it doesn't seem "fair" or "right" for you to be the one to leave, but I am not sure the police can help you in that situation, guns or no guns.
I hear a lot of wanting him to be punished for his bad behavior and ridiculous arguments, and I understand that feeling well. In the end, I had to pursue my own peace of mind and let go of trying to convince by XABF that he was wrong and I was right. I was blowing out all of my energy on winning an unwinnable argument. He actually does have the right to behave however he wishes to, whether you like it or not. You, however, are not chained to those choices.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I agree with stopping the conversation on it. Has it ever done anything to help long term before?
Something that helped me help myself - I started holding myself to the same standards I was trying to hold him to - ACTIONS, not words. It changed everything for me.
Something that helped me help myself - I started holding myself to the same standards I was trying to hold him to - ACTIONS, not words. It changed everything for me.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Zircon, you're understandably angry, but try to channel that into planning rather than having fruitless arguments you'll never win. If you're looking for an apology from him, you won't get it through this means. Detach, detach, detach.
Why not be constructive by making an appointment for legal advice on where you stand when you two separate? Maybe looking for an apartment, because he doesn't sound like the type who will move out.
I'm astounded by the gun situation. Is he likely to use them if you two get into an argument? I really think the safest course is to leave and set up your own place where you can be at peace. Please don't use the police to get at him unless you are genuinely threatened or unsafe, but of course don't hesitate if this is the case.
Why not be constructive by making an appointment for legal advice on where you stand when you two separate? Maybe looking for an apartment, because he doesn't sound like the type who will move out.
I'm astounded by the gun situation. Is he likely to use them if you two get into an argument? I really think the safest course is to leave and set up your own place where you can be at peace. Please don't use the police to get at him unless you are genuinely threatened or unsafe, but of course don't hesitate if this is the case.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Is he on probation or anything like that?
If that's the case, the police could probably do something, but if not, unfortunately, Sparklekitty is probably right that they wouldn't be able to do anything.
I totally get the frustration of not getting an apology you deserve, and being blamed for the name-calling, etc... It's been really hard for me to accept that, but coming here to SR and Al-anon, like was mentioned above, has been very helpful to me in beginning to accept that, and to feel validation.
Sending you strength on following through with your plan!!
If that's the case, the police could probably do something, but if not, unfortunately, Sparklekitty is probably right that they wouldn't be able to do anything.
I totally get the frustration of not getting an apology you deserve, and being blamed for the name-calling, etc... It's been really hard for me to accept that, but coming here to SR and Al-anon, like was mentioned above, has been very helpful to me in beginning to accept that, and to feel validation.
Sending you strength on following through with your plan!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
Don't talk to him and expect him to be reasonable.
Go see a lawyer, put away money, and start looking for your own place.
Do not share you are doing any of the above with him for any reason.
Just do it and realize the only peace you will find with an active addict is
to not be living with them.
He will protect his addiction. He already is.
Protect yourself and let him do what he is going to do anyway.
Go see a lawyer, put away money, and start looking for your own place.
Do not share you are doing any of the above with him for any reason.
Just do it and realize the only peace you will find with an active addict is
to not be living with them.
He will protect his addiction. He already is.
Protect yourself and let him do what he is going to do anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The more you share with him, the more ammunition you are giving him for the future.
Less is more in this situation, if you are making an exit plan, there is zero need to share it with him, he will figure it out when you are no longer there.
keep yourself out of harm's way. You have shared that he is verbally abusive, I do not recommend angering the guy with 50+ guns.
Proceed with caution.
Less is more in this situation, if you are making an exit plan, there is zero need to share it with him, he will figure it out when you are no longer there.
keep yourself out of harm's way. You have shared that he is verbally abusive, I do not recommend angering the guy with 50+ guns.
Proceed with caution.
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