How does anger feel?
 

I know that is a difficult one to really answer but I have been thinking a lot about my last MC appointment. RAH was not available, so I went by myself.

MC says I am carrying a lot of anger but I don't think I am feeling that.

Resentment...absolutely. Sadness....a lot of that. Uncertainty....got it.

Does anyone have insight to anger that I might be missing?

On another note, I was a little skeptical about this C when we first started. I thought she gave RAH a pass because you know....recovery.

Turns out, she does get him. I was happy to have the 1 on 1 time to at least get validation of how I fit in the last 25 years of this relationship.

blue

Hi Blue,
I don't know about you but I feel like punching my exabf in the face....just sayin'.
Ro

Ok. So I looked up the definition to anger, and it said this:
A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

Then I looked up resentment, and got this:
Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

So I looked up indignation, and got this:
Anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment.[/I]

I can see why you're confused. They're very similar. For me, the difference is "hostility". Do you feel hostile toward your RAH?

I equate resentment with anger. If I start detailing what makes me resent my voice gets angry almost right away.
I don't think it's unhealthy to be angry if you know why, and don't take it out on innocent parties.

I agree, resentment is one form of anger. Anger is such a broad term that encompasses a wide range of emotions.

Ro - that made me laugh...belly laugh.

I actually don't feel like punching RAH in the face...at least most the time!

I hear what is being said here. My resentment over the way RAH has treated me is coming out as anger. Maybe it is very deep seeded. He treated me very badly while drinking. I took care of him. Now he wants to basically imply that I have been a bad wife. I resent that.

I do notice that my tone is very sharp when I talk about it. I am very good at burying emotion and I think that is probably coming out more as we talk in counseling.

I really started to detach from RAH last year before he went to rehab. I don't think I have ever re-attached. Maybe I am having difficulty understanding the anger statement because most of the time I just don't care. Apathy is more along the lines of what I feel.

Thanks for all your help. Having this has given me some insight and work to do.

Blue

Bluetomato-

I just want to normalize your experience.

I am FINALLY feeling anger for the first time in the last year to 18 months. It was buried underneath pretty deep, and has been the last major emotion group I have been able to get in touch with.

Often when I am in the moment and I don't want to FEEL angry I get really confused and uncertain of myself. I call it "foggy." For me this is because anger has been such a taboo emotion that I would rather be disconnected and a little "stupid/confused," then admit to me I am angry.

I once read a quote that has helped me. "Anger is depression turned outside and depression is anger turned inside." As I have been willing to FEEL my anger a lot of my sadness has lifted. I think I was stuffing anger for so long that it was fermenting and making me take swings at myself. I still try to not take my anger and angry behavior out into the world to make everyone else in it miserable.....but I think stomping around "angry," and feeling angry are two very different things.

Finally for me resentment is a part of anger. I have not done any direct work on this yet.

A book that I have had for YEARS and finally just read is called the Dance of Anger by Harriet (can't remember her last name). It was really helpful to me.

Finally I have found that my anger can be enervating (sp?). It helps me to get up and move, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Sadness for me is often more still, sometimes to the point of rest and lethargy.

Anger for me is starting to take on the role of an appropriate emotion to signal to me that something is wrong and a boundary of mine has been crossed. I don't want to live in anger the rest of my life but having a relationship with my anger has allowed me to live my life.

It sounds like you are doing some good work right now. Congrats.

Awesome post. Totally agree.

I loved the book, "The Dance of Anger." Highly recommend checking it out. It's an older book, but a very good self-help book.

I think a lot of how we deal with anger has to do with how we were raised and various influences we have had in life's journey. Was anger an okay emotion...how did anger come out as you were growing up? Was anger something that was considered 'bad' and that if you were angry you were committing a sin?

Anger, once present, needs to run it's course. And we have some choice in the matter as to how it's going to run it's course. But it has to run it's course...it will 'go' where we tend to steer it. If we stuff it, it will eventually resurface somewhere, somehow. I am thankful I learned much about this as an older teen and young adult, because growing up, my parents didn't address it all that much and didn't talk openly about what to do when you feel angry.

You say you feel apathy and I totally get that. I am going to put something out here: It's possible your anger-as it has run its course has eventually arrived as apathy.

I believe that anger can turn into other emotions.

I also believe that most anger is really hurt/pain at its root.

Being in a relationship with an addict is very very difficult. Are you 'allowed' to express your anger with your spouse, or does he shut you down?

I hope this helps.

My hubby's quote: Anyone who says they don't deal with anger has issues with anger It is likely repressed. And comes out as passive-aggressiveness.

Teatree - My father was an RA. But, I was the oldest child, very much responsible for my younger siblings. The youngest says she feels like I raised her more than our parents. I wasn't the one to get angry, but I dealt with the others that were angry. Probably didn't help me in the long run except for the fact that angry people at work don't bother me in the least!!

Expressing emotions with RAH is something that I covered briefly with MC. I think I have every right to have emotions. I should be able to be mad or sad or happy or neutral. I don't feel I have that right with him. If I get mad/angry he says that I have issues with communication. If I am sad..then I am blaming him.

I am not 100% sure where this marriage is going. I have stated before, I really think that prevents me from doing all the work that I probably need to do. I can change my mind in a span of an hour.

What I thought our relationship would be with AH sober has not come to pass. I am still kinda trying to reconcile that in my head.

I am, however, looking after myself. I make it a point to do things that will keep me from becoming depressed because I can see that being something that could happen quite easily.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

Blue

Welcome, blue!

My dad was an RA too and he had anger issues rooted from an awful, traumatic childhood. He would escalate and 'blow'. He was not physically abusive, but we all wanted to duck and hide when he got worked up about something.

So, of course, I've got my dad in me got plenty of his good qualities too. Luckily my mom didn't have much of an anger side and was eternally patient, calm, level headed. I've a lot of my mom in me too.

I don't envy you being the oldest! I actually feel sorry for my oldest sibling. She got the brunt of a lot of things.

I remember one time my two older siblings were fighting with one another and my dad got tired of it, so he pulled his old boxing gloves, put one glove on each one and said, "Okay if you don't stop fighting, here you go, Have at it!" Guess what? They couldn't do. They could NOT start punching one another with those gloves. They both started crying instead, and the fighting stopped. Lesson given. Lesson taken.

Blue-I think you are wise to be on the look out for depression. It seems to me that apathy might be closely linked to it or one of the symptoms. So, take care. Good job exploring all the various feelings. It's easier for some moreso than others to do that.

Sometimes I wonder: What would happen if, instead of fighting difficult emotions, we accepted them? Most folks naturally wish to avoid pain, but letting it in and responding compassionately to our own imperfections, without judgment or self-blame are essential steps on the path to healing.

Some people handle physical pain better than others as in they have a high pain tolerance. Other people handle mental/emotional pain better. I like to think that I'm tough. And, generally speaking, I'm strong, cuz I've had to be, but I need to allow myself to go ahead and be weak sometimes and be ok with that. The recovering perfectionist in me fights that though...

That is hilarious!

I think that anger implies being more expressive of your feelings, while resentment suggests feelings that are present, but contained.

Rage, now, that is the one.

You have every right to feel anger, and to express your resentment. For me, openly acknowledging those feelings after I left my then alcoholic husband of 20 years, was part of the passage to becoming free. And to acknowledging the rest of what I felt, which was the bedrock, for me, for healing.

ShootingStar1

We're opposites.

I had anger in spades. Sadness, not so much. Sadness is such a tremendously difficult feeling for me to sit with. Anger on the other hand.....oooooo wee. I have many a time wanted to punch my husband (and his mother, his father, his brother, his other brother, his sister... you get the drift) in the face. Would I ever actually punch a person in the face? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I was very angry at them and had at times thought that punching them in the fact was absolutely just. To me that's anger. It's very pissed off. It's a very colorful, loud emotion.

Thanks to therapy and al-anon (and a boat load of inspirational quotes) I now sit with my anger, feel it and I think about it. My very controlling mother in law trying to force her presence into my oldest daughter's birthday last week made me see red at first, then slowly, it dissipated. She continues to absolutely ignore everyone's boundaries - she does this with her words, actions and meddling. That hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad and anxious, because a small part of me actually believes that she can push me to the side in my own family (she's told me point blank before that she's going to hire an attorney for my husband and make him divorce me. She was very serious when she said that and it was immediately after I had our second child and my husband was constantly being asked to leave our home because he was coming home black out drunk.) But at first glance it makes me super pissed off - this woman KNOWS that she's not welcome by any stretch to my daughter's birthday events and continues to force her way in. But she can't (and hasn't!). :) That's the happy reality. Sitting with and thinking through my feelings actually allows me to feel a much more broad spectrum of feelings than I previously allowed myself to feel.

And for what it's worth, resentment and anger are vastly different for me and they are/were the easiest for me to express and feel. Messy feelings like sadness, loneliness or despair are more difficult for me to feel/acknowledge.

It sounds like your husband needs to cut the apron strings from dear mommy! Has he EVER lived on his own? With all that said, what do you do with your anger? How do you deal with it? We KNOW you don't punch anybody. So, what do you do instead?

I don't know what he needs and to be frank, I don't care - it's none of my business. But I know what kind of people and behavior I will and will not allow in my life and my daughters' lives.

You're a fiesty lady and I like that! Your kids are lucky to have you for their mother bear!He should have cut the apron strings long ago, it sounds like. I am very glad I love my mother in law. She's loud, she's outspoken, she's sometimes obnoxious,she's an insomniac, she pretty much raised five kids on her own when her husband was off to war, she used to drive school bus, she has backed doctors in corners to get answers, she struggles with anxiety, but we all love her dearly and if there was ever a mother bear in heat, she is it! She treats me like a daughter and if anyone laid a hand on me they would regret it.