How many second chances can I give... (xpost FAFofaddicts)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
2ndchance, I was with an addict/alcoholic at about the exact same age you are. From 16-20. His DOC was heroin but he could not get it often (this was in the 70s) so used pills and booze. His using was off and on, apologies, promises, lies, relapses, police, on and on. But I was in love. Thought I should stick by him. When he hit me a couple of times I told myself he was drunk, didn't remember so it didn't count.
About 2 1/2 years or so in he went to a rehab and did great! Stayed clean, was serious about the program. I was so proud of him. We got engaged, planned a wedding, I had a dress and everything. He was clean, I don't know about a year, maybe a little more.
I started to see the signs relapse was coming. I told myself if he got high one more time, if he took one more drink, we were done. We were not living together or even in the same town at this time. He told me, one night on the phone, that he'd "had a few beers". Our wedding was 6 weeks away.
I dumped him and canceled everything. I was in shock but I knew I had to do it.
Dumping him was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life and I'm almost 60. I look back now and wonder how on earth I threw away 4 years of my young life. I could tell you horror stories but there is no need. I expect you have plenty of your own. If you stay with this man you will add up horror upon horror as the years go by.
You don't owe him anything. You have your whole life ahead of you. Run and don't look back!
About 2 1/2 years or so in he went to a rehab and did great! Stayed clean, was serious about the program. I was so proud of him. We got engaged, planned a wedding, I had a dress and everything. He was clean, I don't know about a year, maybe a little more.
I started to see the signs relapse was coming. I told myself if he got high one more time, if he took one more drink, we were done. We were not living together or even in the same town at this time. He told me, one night on the phone, that he'd "had a few beers". Our wedding was 6 weeks away.
I dumped him and canceled everything. I was in shock but I knew I had to do it.
Dumping him was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life and I'm almost 60. I look back now and wonder how on earth I threw away 4 years of my young life. I could tell you horror stories but there is no need. I expect you have plenty of your own. If you stay with this man you will add up horror upon horror as the years go by.
You don't owe him anything. You have your whole life ahead of you. Run and don't look back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by secondchancex3 
I am so lost right now and I would really, really appreciate any advice anyone can give me. Heres the story:
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3.5 years. We met our senior year of high school and have been together since then. The first two years were great! We would drink, as typical high school/college kids do, but that was it. (He didn't go to college, I went to community college before moving on to a four year school.) Things started going badly when he left his full time chef job to work with some people he knew from high school. He started using percocet 30s periodically, then every day, then multiple times a day. I experimented with them, decided I didn't like how they made me feel, a stopped. Around this time his drinking got really bad and I sort of stayed the same. Time passed, he developed a problem with percs that his family and I supported him through- he had relapsed and recovered multiple times in a span of 6 months. Then his drinking finally took its toll in september of 2014 and he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a building. Not harmed, but with a bac of .31. He was also in the middle of a relapse at the time, and apparently had perks in the car but got rid of them. Now I was furious and upset but thought that everyone makes mistakes, this is not a deal breaker. He went through the legal motions and was granted ARD, which was great. But over the summer he started using perks again and then moved on to heroin. I had no idea and I feel like a **** up for not knowing. His heroin use got out of control but then he "got clean" and I believed him. That is until he got arrested for od'ing in his car. He had 12 bags of heroin. He essentially blamed it on me because we had gotten in a fight that night because I didn't believe he was clean. I was out of my mind with panic when he didn't pick up the phone the next dy and when his dad asked me where he was. I thought he was dead, but he was in jail. I was in my car going to hunt down his dealers when he texted me. So that happened, I stayed with him because I didn't think it was right for me to leave just because of his addiction, like I was weak for not wanting to stay with an addict. I was in the mind set of "he can get past this, this is a bump in the road but I know he can do better than this." I was kind of getting over that second arrest, he claimed he was clean and in IOP but then last week he got arrested for another DUI, this time .28. He had the nerve to have the police drop him off at my house at 3 am. He blamed the police for pulling him over yada yada yada. All this week we've been fighting over his three arrests. He tells me I don't understand addiction, says what kind of person am I for not being able to support him, that I don't care, that I'm a hypocrite for being mad. And the cherry on top of this **** cake is I just found out he used the sunday after his arrest and this past wednesday. He lied and didn't tell me because he "didn't want to hurt me" and I ended up finding out tonight when his mom told me.
I'm just so done with everything. I feel like an awful person for wanting to break up with him, but nothing he has done in the past year has shown that he cares about me, the future, anything. I've given everything I can to him. Every single god damn thing I do, he's in the back of my mind, because I thought we had a future together and now I just don't know. And it's now clear he hasn't thought of me in well over a year. I thought I was supportive but apparently not. I want to believe he can sort this out and beat his alcoholism and drug addiction but I keep flip flopping on it. On one hand, he says he's going on some opiate and alcohol blocking drug and that will help him, but on the other hand I can't stop thinking that he'll just use or drink again when the going gets tough. I keep going over to talk to him with the intention on telling him I need a break, but it always ends with me feeling like I'm just giving up on him, that I'm a bad support and girlfriend, and that if I do leave him he'll end up killing himself with drugs. I'm just so stuck. I don't know what to do. Does it make me a horrible person for wanting to leave? I want to support him but I honestly don't see a future where I can forget the lies and the hurtful words. But feeling this is making me feel like a ****** human. I have to think of myself, I know, but it's so much more complicated than that.
Edit: he claims he only has a problem with liquour, not beer. I told him he can choose drinking or me and he said he wont promise he wont drink beer down the road. He used to drink a bottle of vodka in two nights. I don't know what he's doing now, he says he doesn't drink but I don't know if I can believe it.
I'll be 21 in a week but I feel like I'm 50 years old.
Please, any advice is needed. Thanks.
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3.5 years. We met our senior year of high school and have been together since then. The first two years were great! We would drink, as typical high school/college kids do, but that was it. (He didn't go to college, I went to community college before moving on to a four year school.) Things started going badly when he left his full time chef job to work with some people he knew from high school. He started using percocet 30s periodically, then every day, then multiple times a day. I experimented with them, decided I didn't like how they made me feel, a stopped. Around this time his drinking got really bad and I sort of stayed the same. Time passed, he developed a problem with percs that his family and I supported him through- he had relapsed and recovered multiple times in a span of 6 months. Then his drinking finally took its toll in september of 2014 and he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a building. Not harmed, but with a bac of .31. He was also in the middle of a relapse at the time, and apparently had perks in the car but got rid of them. Now I was furious and upset but thought that everyone makes mistakes, this is not a deal breaker. He went through the legal motions and was granted ARD, which was great. But over the summer he started using perks again and then moved on to heroin. I had no idea and I feel like a **** up for not knowing. His heroin use got out of control but then he "got clean" and I believed him. That is until he got arrested for od'ing in his car. He had 12 bags of heroin. He essentially blamed it on me because we had gotten in a fight that night because I didn't believe he was clean. I was out of my mind with panic when he didn't pick up the phone the next dy and when his dad asked me where he was. I thought he was dead, but he was in jail. I was in my car going to hunt down his dealers when he texted me. So that happened, I stayed with him because I didn't think it was right for me to leave just because of his addiction, like I was weak for not wanting to stay with an addict. I was in the mind set of "he can get past this, this is a bump in the road but I know he can do better than this." I was kind of getting over that second arrest, he claimed he was clean and in IOP but then last week he got arrested for another DUI, this time .28. He had the nerve to have the police drop him off at my house at 3 am. He blamed the police for pulling him over yada yada yada. All this week we've been fighting over his three arrests. He tells me I don't understand addiction, says what kind of person am I for not being able to support him, that I don't care, that I'm a hypocrite for being mad. And the cherry on top of this **** cake is I just found out he used the sunday after his arrest and this past wednesday. He lied and didn't tell me because he "didn't want to hurt me" and I ended up finding out tonight when his mom told me.
I'm just so done with everything. I feel like an awful person for wanting to break up with him, but nothing he has done in the past year has shown that he cares about me, the future, anything. I've given everything I can to him. Every single god damn thing I do, he's in the back of my mind, because I thought we had a future together and now I just don't know. And it's now clear he hasn't thought of me in well over a year. I thought I was supportive but apparently not. I want to believe he can sort this out and beat his alcoholism and drug addiction but I keep flip flopping on it. On one hand, he says he's going on some opiate and alcohol blocking drug and that will help him, but on the other hand I can't stop thinking that he'll just use or drink again when the going gets tough. I keep going over to talk to him with the intention on telling him I need a break, but it always ends with me feeling like I'm just giving up on him, that I'm a bad support and girlfriend, and that if I do leave him he'll end up killing himself with drugs. I'm just so stuck. I don't know what to do. Does it make me a horrible person for wanting to leave? I want to support him but I honestly don't see a future where I can forget the lies and the hurtful words. But feeling this is making me feel like a ****** human. I have to think of myself, I know, but it's so much more complicated than that.
Edit: he claims he only has a problem with liquour, not beer. I told him he can choose drinking or me and he said he wont promise he wont drink beer down the road. He used to drink a bottle of vodka in two nights. I don't know what he's doing now, he says he doesn't drink but I don't know if I can believe it.
I'll be 21 in a week but I feel like I'm 50 years old.
Please, any advice is needed. Thanks.
Just what kind of a rinkydink "future" did you ever hope to have with a loser like that who would lie and cover up and lead you on and pretend things that aren't true and the list goes on and on and on.
It sounds like you are getting out with your sanity intact. Now, get down on your knees and thank the Good Lord for that. Yes, you are clean and sober and that is something to be proud of.
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Save yourself. You're on the Titanic, and it's going down. You have so many great years ahead of you. Spend it with someone who deserves your loyalty! You don't want to be on this website 5 or 10 years from now, still sad because of his behavior.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
