Hurting and Need Advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
Hurting and Need Advice
Hi. I posted the following on in a different Chat Room and I received a lot of helpful advice. Someone there asked me to post it in this Chat Room because it may help me even more. Here goes:
My AG and I started dating in April 2014. We've been together for almost 1.5 years. She's 28 and I'm 38. She's a school teacher and works part-time at a bar on the weekends. I have a very secure job and make more than enough money to live comfortably alone. For her, teaching jobs are very competitive here in California, and since 2014 has stressed about finding a permanent teaching job. In order to help with bills, my AG lives in a house with two 30-year old girls who also work exclusively in the alcohol industry. In fact, they all work part-time at the same bar that my AG works at part-time. One roommate has a previous DUI. The other is a convicted felon (drugs).
2014 was a great year for our relationship. We both liked to drink red wine and craft beer. There was absolutely no problem with drinking. For me, I can take alcohol or leave it. I've gone months without alcohol while I focused on weightlifting or martial arts. I honestly don't like to drink alone, even at home. In January 2015, I began to notice that my AG began drinking more and more. She said it was because of stress from her job and her finances. She would start changing our plans and choose alternate plans that involved alcohol. She would start drinking with her roommates before coming over to my home. When she arrived at my home, she'd go straight to my couch and fall asleep, even when I was cooking dinner for us.
In March 2015, I spoke to my AG about her drinking...telling her that I've noticed an increase and that she is drinking more with her roommates before she sees me later that night. Her answer was that we both had a drinking problem and we needed to quit. So, I did. I quit. After the first week, I was fine. When I told my AG that I hadn't had any alcohol in a week, she was shocked. She, on the other hand, didn't quit drinking at all.
Her parents are divorced. Biological father lives in Montana and biological mother lives in Washington state. Biological father is a recovering alcoholic and is the reason why her mom divorced him. Her mom happily remarried. In April 2015, I met biological mom and step-dad. According to AG, they loved me because in the past she dated only "boys" and I was the first "real man" she had ever dated and I could take care of her.
My AG's drinking kept getting worse. I noticed that when she drank with her roommates, she couldn't stop. She acted a lot different towards me when she would start drinking with her friends and then meet up with me, versus if she would drink with me.
In the summer of 2015, she was laid-off from her teaching job and continued to work at the bar. Before she started her shift at the bar, she'd first stop somewhere, drink a beer, then go to work. She'd take shots during her shift, and then have at least one beer after her shift. I pleaded with her to control her drinking because whenever she drank, she became very selfish and mean. In her words, she has "an anger problem and do stupid things when drunk". I told her that I would quit drinking in order to support her if she did the same. She broke that agreement. We then agreed that she could drink but only with me. She lied and started drinking behind my back. I've pleaded with her to quit her job at the bar and work elsewhere. She says that she needs to work there because they are flexible with her schedule, and that I do not have any right to ask her to quit working there until we are engaged and she has moved in with me.
Her actions while drunk have gotten progressively worse this year:
Changing our plans for better plans that involve alcohol;
Grabbing my face when it was turned away;
Trashing my bathroom and breaking my clothes hamper;
Letting men from the bar send her flirtatious texts and then lie to me about it;
Finding her asleep on my cement porch at 12:30am;
Filing false police report with the police because I was enforcing my boundaries after I caught her with flirtatious text messages on her phone by making her leave my home.
As of today (9/27/15) I have broken up with her. I cannot take this anymore. But in the past, we have broken up because of her alcohol, only to be reunited again. When she's drunk, she's told me at least seven times: "I have a drinking problem. I need help. I can't stop." The next day, she's back to saying that she doesn't have a problem and only needs to cut-back on the drinking.
Two months ago I spoke with her step-father about her drinking. It came as no surprise to him. The family has known all along that my AG has a drinking problem. He called her an "addict" and that she's been drinking since college. His advice to me was to try and do things that don't involve alcohol. He even said it would be hard because her roommates are also alcoholics and drink all day and night.
I know that she's been under a lot of stress, but she feels entitled to drink because of this. I get so angry at her that I raise my voice, and that's all I do. I will never hurt her. I don't even swear. All I have left is my voice. But when i raise my voice against her drinking, she accuses me of being "controlling" and that I have issues. My friends tell me that I need to leave her, especially after the false police report. And they all warn me that she'll try to come back into my life and that she isn't done with me.
But this is the BIG question I have: Now that I am out of her life and she can drink all that she wants with her roommates, why will she try to come back to me? With me out of her life, she can have it all...her booze, drunk roommates, drunk friends, work at the bar. Why the heck will she even want me back in her life if all I am is "controlling"? I mean, even her drinking friends hate me because my AG isn't completely honest with them about her drinking problem, and they think that I'm just this controlling a**hole. All of this just does not make sense.
My AG and I started dating in April 2014. We've been together for almost 1.5 years. She's 28 and I'm 38. She's a school teacher and works part-time at a bar on the weekends. I have a very secure job and make more than enough money to live comfortably alone. For her, teaching jobs are very competitive here in California, and since 2014 has stressed about finding a permanent teaching job. In order to help with bills, my AG lives in a house with two 30-year old girls who also work exclusively in the alcohol industry. In fact, they all work part-time at the same bar that my AG works at part-time. One roommate has a previous DUI. The other is a convicted felon (drugs).
2014 was a great year for our relationship. We both liked to drink red wine and craft beer. There was absolutely no problem with drinking. For me, I can take alcohol or leave it. I've gone months without alcohol while I focused on weightlifting or martial arts. I honestly don't like to drink alone, even at home. In January 2015, I began to notice that my AG began drinking more and more. She said it was because of stress from her job and her finances. She would start changing our plans and choose alternate plans that involved alcohol. She would start drinking with her roommates before coming over to my home. When she arrived at my home, she'd go straight to my couch and fall asleep, even when I was cooking dinner for us.
In March 2015, I spoke to my AG about her drinking...telling her that I've noticed an increase and that she is drinking more with her roommates before she sees me later that night. Her answer was that we both had a drinking problem and we needed to quit. So, I did. I quit. After the first week, I was fine. When I told my AG that I hadn't had any alcohol in a week, she was shocked. She, on the other hand, didn't quit drinking at all.
Her parents are divorced. Biological father lives in Montana and biological mother lives in Washington state. Biological father is a recovering alcoholic and is the reason why her mom divorced him. Her mom happily remarried. In April 2015, I met biological mom and step-dad. According to AG, they loved me because in the past she dated only "boys" and I was the first "real man" she had ever dated and I could take care of her.
My AG's drinking kept getting worse. I noticed that when she drank with her roommates, she couldn't stop. She acted a lot different towards me when she would start drinking with her friends and then meet up with me, versus if she would drink with me.
In the summer of 2015, she was laid-off from her teaching job and continued to work at the bar. Before she started her shift at the bar, she'd first stop somewhere, drink a beer, then go to work. She'd take shots during her shift, and then have at least one beer after her shift. I pleaded with her to control her drinking because whenever she drank, she became very selfish and mean. In her words, she has "an anger problem and do stupid things when drunk". I told her that I would quit drinking in order to support her if she did the same. She broke that agreement. We then agreed that she could drink but only with me. She lied and started drinking behind my back. I've pleaded with her to quit her job at the bar and work elsewhere. She says that she needs to work there because they are flexible with her schedule, and that I do not have any right to ask her to quit working there until we are engaged and she has moved in with me.
Her actions while drunk have gotten progressively worse this year:
Changing our plans for better plans that involve alcohol;
Grabbing my face when it was turned away;
Trashing my bathroom and breaking my clothes hamper;
Letting men from the bar send her flirtatious texts and then lie to me about it;
Finding her asleep on my cement porch at 12:30am;
Filing false police report with the police because I was enforcing my boundaries after I caught her with flirtatious text messages on her phone by making her leave my home.
As of today (9/27/15) I have broken up with her. I cannot take this anymore. But in the past, we have broken up because of her alcohol, only to be reunited again. When she's drunk, she's told me at least seven times: "I have a drinking problem. I need help. I can't stop." The next day, she's back to saying that she doesn't have a problem and only needs to cut-back on the drinking.
Two months ago I spoke with her step-father about her drinking. It came as no surprise to him. The family has known all along that my AG has a drinking problem. He called her an "addict" and that she's been drinking since college. His advice to me was to try and do things that don't involve alcohol. He even said it would be hard because her roommates are also alcoholics and drink all day and night.
I know that she's been under a lot of stress, but she feels entitled to drink because of this. I get so angry at her that I raise my voice, and that's all I do. I will never hurt her. I don't even swear. All I have left is my voice. But when i raise my voice against her drinking, she accuses me of being "controlling" and that I have issues. My friends tell me that I need to leave her, especially after the false police report. And they all warn me that she'll try to come back into my life and that she isn't done with me.
But this is the BIG question I have: Now that I am out of her life and she can drink all that she wants with her roommates, why will she try to come back to me? With me out of her life, she can have it all...her booze, drunk roommates, drunk friends, work at the bar. Why the heck will she even want me back in her life if all I am is "controlling"? I mean, even her drinking friends hate me because my AG isn't completely honest with them about her drinking problem, and they think that I'm just this controlling a**hole. All of this just does not make sense.
Last edited by riverag; 09-28-2015 at 08:42 PM. Reason: correct text
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi riverag, welcome to the forum, sorry you needed to look for answers.
Has she tried to contact you yet? What makes you believe that she will try to come back? (other then people telling you that) I think sometimes other people in our lives do see more then we do in our own lives. They are not blinded by what we want, and they can see things clearer.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Has she tried to contact you yet? What makes you believe that she will try to come back? (other then people telling you that) I think sometimes other people in our lives do see more then we do in our own lives. They are not blinded by what we want, and they can see things clearer.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
The alcoholic mind doesn't make any sense. And that's really all there is to it. She may love you and want you.... And she also loves her alcohol. I read someone's post in the other side of the forums where they said that they were in a love triangle with himself, his girl, and his booze...
But I would have a question for you.... let's say she did want you back. Would you do it? Because I'd just like to offer an idea for you... and that is to stick to your boundaries. When or if she is ready, she'll get help.
But I would have a question for you.... let's say she did want you back. Would you do it? Because I'd just like to offer an idea for you... and that is to stick to your boundaries. When or if she is ready, she'll get help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by amy55 
Hi riverag, welcome to the forum, sorry you needed to look for answers.
Has she tried to contact you yet? What makes you believe that she will try to come back? (other then people telling you that) I think sometimes other people in our lives do see more then we do in our own lives. They are not blinded by what we want, and they can see things clearer.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Has she tried to contact you yet? What makes you believe that she will try to come back? (other then people telling you that) I think sometimes other people in our lives do see more then we do in our own lives. They are not blinded by what we want, and they can see things clearer.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by LemonGirl
The alcoholic mind doesn't make any sense. And that's really all there is to it. She may love you and want you.... And she also loves her alcohol. I read someone's post in the other side of the forums where they said that they were in a love triangle with himself, his girl, and his booze...
But I would have a question for you.... let's say she did want you back. Would you do it? Because I'd just like to offer an idea for you... and that is to stick to your boundaries. When or if she is ready, she'll get help.
But I would have a question for you.... let's say she did want you back. Would you do it? Because I'd just like to offer an idea for you... and that is to stick to your boundaries. When or if she is ready, she'll get help.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
riverag.......as Lilro said....because they can could be part of the reason. People will tend to get by with what they can and don't get by with what they "cant". A toddler learns this.....lol! She knows that you care and where your vulnerability is.
In the big picture....alcoholism is a very selfish disease. The active alcoholic is controlled by the alcohol. They, by the nature of the disease and the overwhelming compulsion to drink, become survivalists. The will protect themselves and their need to drink over the needs and welfare of o thers---even those that love and sacrifice for them. Self first.
I imagine that she got some very good things in the relationship with y ou. You must have some very good traits that she enjoyed---until you upset the apple cart by objecting to her "lifeline"---her drinking.
Away from you---she probably misses the good things. Would l ike to have them back--because they make her feel good. Just like she made you feel good (minus the drinking behavior).
Here is the rub---t he Selfishness! She cannot put your needs and o verall welfare first.....because the alcohol is a brutal mistress....one that she obviously cannot shake o ff...at least, not yet. An alcoholic will frequently try to have their cake and eat it too. We all know that that is impossible.
What she may want and what she can handle in a mature way are not compatable. You are smack in the middle of this. Your needs (in the relationship) will always have to be sacrificed.
That is why you have to take care of your own overall welfare--because, as m uch as she might like your go od stuff...she can't/won't. You will always be hurting.
I think of it as, like being enraptured with a beautiful house...and, wanting to buy it. Except for one small (big) thing....it is discovered, on closer inspection, that there are termites. Munching quietly on the foundation.
Sure, you could buy the house....and, it would be nice for a certain length of time. Eventually, though, the happy homeowner would become homeless.
You are in a difficult period. To leave the relationship---because you have I nvested a part of yourself---you HAVE to grieve the loss in order to heal.
Grieving sucks...and it hurts to the core. And it takes time of complete. It involves a lot of crying and it is hard to let go.
It is one of the hardest things that we have to face in this life.
I'm glad that you have good friends....cling to them now.
I'm just sharing m y thoughts on what you have posted....in hopes that it might help you a l ittle.
Most everybody has been or will be in your shoes , at least once. I have......
dandylion
In the big picture....alcoholism is a very selfish disease. The active alcoholic is controlled by the alcohol. They, by the nature of the disease and the overwhelming compulsion to drink, become survivalists. The will protect themselves and their need to drink over the needs and welfare of o thers---even those that love and sacrifice for them. Self first.
I imagine that she got some very good things in the relationship with y ou. You must have some very good traits that she enjoyed---until you upset the apple cart by objecting to her "lifeline"---her drinking.
Away from you---she probably misses the good things. Would l ike to have them back--because they make her feel good. Just like she made you feel good (minus the drinking behavior).
Here is the rub---t he Selfishness! She cannot put your needs and o verall welfare first.....because the alcohol is a brutal mistress....one that she obviously cannot shake o ff...at least, not yet. An alcoholic will frequently try to have their cake and eat it too. We all know that that is impossible.
What she may want and what she can handle in a mature way are not compatable. You are smack in the middle of this. Your needs (in the relationship) will always have to be sacrificed.
That is why you have to take care of your own overall welfare--because, as m uch as she might like your go od stuff...she can't/won't. You will always be hurting.
I think of it as, like being enraptured with a beautiful house...and, wanting to buy it. Except for one small (big) thing....it is discovered, on closer inspection, that there are termites. Munching quietly on the foundation.
Sure, you could buy the house....and, it would be nice for a certain length of time. Eventually, though, the happy homeowner would become homeless.
You are in a difficult period. To leave the relationship---because you have I nvested a part of yourself---you HAVE to grieve the loss in order to heal.
Grieving sucks...and it hurts to the core. And it takes time of complete. It involves a lot of crying and it is hard to let go.
It is one of the hardest things that we have to face in this life.
I'm glad that you have good friends....cling to them now.
I'm just sharing m y thoughts on what you have posted....in hopes that it might help you a l ittle.
Most everybody has been or will be in your shoes , at least once. I have......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by riverag
But this is the BIG question I have: Now that I am out of her life and she can drink all that she wants with her roommates, why will she try to come back to me? With me out of her life, she can have it all...her booze, drunk roommates, drunk friends, work at the bar. Why the heck will she even want me back in her life if all I am is "controlling"? I mean, even her drinking friends hate me because my AG isn't completely honest with them about her drinking problem, and they think that I'm just this controlling a**hole. All of this just does not make sense.
Same thing with the parents. Her parents absolutely loved me because I helped her reconcile with them and visit them after years of no contact, and because I was a family man rather than a party man.
We then agreed that she could drink but only with me. She lied and started drinking behind my back. I've pleaded with her to quit her job at the bar and work elsewhere. She says that she needs to work there because they are flexible with her schedule, and that I do not have any right to ask her to quit working there until we are engaged and she has moved in with me.
The problem here is that her job isn't a causation of her disease, it's a symptom. She can drink herself silly no matter what kind of job she holds down, and changing her place of employment only means she has to go to the liquor store more often to drink the same amount.
You also have to consider that the escalation of drinking that you saw isn't necessarily what was going on. Addicts are proficient in being on their best behavior during the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship. As they settle in and feel more comfort in the stability of the relationship, they start to gradually let their guard down and go back to their regular ways. This is very likely what's going on with your ex girlfriend, especially when I consider the following quote:
Two months ago I spoke with her step-father about her drinking. It came as no surprise to him. The family has known all along that my AG has a drinking problem. He called her an "addict" and that she's been drinking since college.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The hardest lesson to learn when you love an addict is that they are not drinking AT you. She is driven by a compulsion that non-addicted people cannot understand and it infects every single decision, choice, and aspect of her life. She cannot control it for another person, for the sake of a relationship, for anything. We can hope and pray that pain of changing one day seems less frightening to them than the pain of staying the same, but "hope", alas, is not a plan. Your choice now is whether you want to wait around for someone else to change.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
According to my friends, they can see how much my AG is in love with me.
Its probably true she does love you, what your friends don't see or understand is that she loves alcohol more. Maybe you don't see that either.
Alcoholics need enablers and codependents. They spend weeks/months/years trying to figure out how to keep their first love (alcohol) while having all their other loves at the same time. Partners of alcoholics also try to figure out how to keep their first love (partner) and get rid of the other love (alcohol). This is the crux of the madness of the relationship. If you didn't draw the line you would still be together most likely.
So you spend time apart, miss each other, then rinse and repeat again. She figures out a way to continue to drink and be with you (hides it, lies, sets dates or occasions when she can drink), you make rules such as "she can drink only with me", and try and control her drinking (fail).
Ultimately you end up here asking if she loves you why won't she stop? She wonders if you love her why can't you accept her as she is because it isn't as bad as you say.
Welcome to SR there is lots of help here, sorry for what brings you.
Its probably true she does love you, what your friends don't see or understand is that she loves alcohol more. Maybe you don't see that either.
Alcoholics need enablers and codependents. They spend weeks/months/years trying to figure out how to keep their first love (alcohol) while having all their other loves at the same time. Partners of alcoholics also try to figure out how to keep their first love (partner) and get rid of the other love (alcohol). This is the crux of the madness of the relationship. If you didn't draw the line you would still be together most likely.
So you spend time apart, miss each other, then rinse and repeat again. She figures out a way to continue to drink and be with you (hides it, lies, sets dates or occasions when she can drink), you make rules such as "she can drink only with me", and try and control her drinking (fail).
Ultimately you end up here asking if she loves you why won't she stop? She wonders if you love her why can't you accept her as she is because it isn't as bad as you say.
Welcome to SR there is lots of help here, sorry for what brings you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Redlanta-your last paragraph above needs to be a sticky in itself-that is the crux of the alcoholic/codependent relatuonship. That defined my relationship with my ex for years. It's awful but it is really that simple! This is a great thread, btw. Very helpful. OP-wishing you peace today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by redatlanta
According to my friends, they can see how much my AG is in love with me.
Its probably true she does love you, what your friends don't see or understand is that she loves alcohol more. Maybe you don't see that either.
Alcoholics need enablers and codependents. They spend weeks/months/years trying to figure out how to keep their first love (alcohol) while having all their other loves at the same time. Partners of alcoholics also try to figure out how to keep their first love (partner) and get rid of the other love (alcohol). This is the crux of the madness of the relationship. If you didn't draw the line you would still be together most likely.
So you spend time apart, miss each other, then rinse and repeat again. She figures out a way to continue to drink and be with you (hides it, lies, sets dates or occasions when she can drink), you make rules such as "she can drink only with me", and try and control her drinking (fail).
Ultimately you end up here asking if she loves you why won't she stop? She wonders if you love her why can't you accept her as she is because it isn't as bad as you say.
Welcome to SR there is lots of help here, sorry for what brings you.
Its probably true she does love you, what your friends don't see or understand is that she loves alcohol more. Maybe you don't see that either.
Alcoholics need enablers and codependents. They spend weeks/months/years trying to figure out how to keep their first love (alcohol) while having all their other loves at the same time. Partners of alcoholics also try to figure out how to keep their first love (partner) and get rid of the other love (alcohol). This is the crux of the madness of the relationship. If you didn't draw the line you would still be together most likely.
So you spend time apart, miss each other, then rinse and repeat again. She figures out a way to continue to drink and be with you (hides it, lies, sets dates or occasions when she can drink), you make rules such as "she can drink only with me", and try and control her drinking (fail).
Ultimately you end up here asking if she loves you why won't she stop? She wonders if you love her why can't you accept her as she is because it isn't as bad as you say.
Welcome to SR there is lots of help here, sorry for what brings you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
She will probably try and worm her way back into your life, because she probably has a great deal of security with you. Like you said, you are someone that could take care of her. Because she can't take care of herself, that is probably where the appeal lies. She needs you, that isn't to be confused with love.
The fact that she has turned all her friends against you to support her drinking shows where her loyalty lies - to her alcohol.
She isn't relationship material at all right now. The question is: why is that so appealing to you? And why are you willing to let her back in time and time again when she doesn't have your best interests at heart and you end up fulfilling a caretaker role in a relationship? You deserve for your own needs to be met too.
Have you read up on codependency?
The fact that she has turned all her friends against you to support her drinking shows where her loyalty lies - to her alcohol.
She isn't relationship material at all right now. The question is: why is that so appealing to you? And why are you willing to let her back in time and time again when she doesn't have your best interests at heart and you end up fulfilling a caretaker role in a relationship? You deserve for your own needs to be met too.
Have you read up on codependency?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
I think for some people codependency may be the issue, but for others of us it's letting go of the dream of who we thought they were. We walk away, but our hearts ache from the disappointment. We don't need them to make us happy or fulfill us, it's just the loss of the possibility of a future with that person, the loss of ever being able to hug or kiss them again and look in their eyes and see the person they once were. I think that's human nature. Not sure that all of us end up here because we are codependent although many probably do. Some of us are just idiotic and naive (like me) and are unfamiliar with addiction until we are somewhat enmeshed. I had the Hollywood picture of alcoholism in my head when this all started and could never have imagined...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
I would also like to add that a large piece of what some of us grieve I think is the loss of our innocence. Or further loss of our innocence after an experience like this. Life can be tough sometimes and we are all searching for comfort and happiness and it's only natural to ache and grieve when we lose someone for whatever reason, including addiction. I hate alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
It sounds as if she is pretty far into her addiction with alcohol. It also sounds like she plays the "victim" all too well without taking any responsibility for her life or her actions and you fit right in as her "rescuer". Even her parents are playing into it. Unfortunately nothing is going to change with her until she is ready to change. If she wanted a full time teaching job she'd go after it. If she wanted to move away from her bad influences of roommates she would. Problem is, she is not willing to at this point and may never be. Her "excuse" that the job market is tough and her finances are terrible requiring her to work in a bar to make ends meet actually protect her addiction and unfortunately that is where her priority is. Since she knows how you feel about her drinking and still has made no efforts to change, she has made it pretty clear this is the life she wants to live. Alcohol is her priority. She may love you but alcoholics cannot truly love another person because they do not love themselves. Alcohol is their first love and will always come first at the expense of everything else. You have to ask yourself if this is the partner you want for life? Not the person you wish she could be but the person she is today. That is who she is and what she has to offer to your relationship. You sound like you are stable and have a lot to offer a partner but she doesn't have much to offer you. You deserve a partner with equal give and take who can devote as much as you devote to them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 12
Hi everyone! It's me, Riverag! It's been almost five months since I posted my plea for help and advice. I wanted to give you all an update...
After I broke up with my AG in October, I went "no contact" with her. However, beginning Thanksgiving, she started texting me. At first her texts were saying that she liked my profile picture on Facebook. Given that we were no longer friends on Facebook, it was obvious that she was "stalking" me. I did NOT respond.
Her messages became more frequent and I ignored them all. Finally, at Christmas time, she texted me a long message saying that she missed me and was utterly disappointed we did not work out. She imagined so much happiness with me and she was still crying a lot and would appreciate if I could tell her something that would not make her miss me. Of course no mention at all of her drinking being the reason why I broke up with her. I ignored this message as well.
New Year's Eve she texted me "Hello." I was fed up. I texted back to her that I loved her but it was obvious I did not make her happy. I told her that I wanted her to be happy even if it was not with me, and that I wanted her to try not to contact me anymore. She said she was "...suprised and didn't know what to say." I again told her that I wanted her to be happy and that I had hoped that she had found another man that would make her happy.
Two weeks later she texted me "What is your address?" Needless to say, I did not respond.
I have great news...I have moved on and am dating someone that is awesome! She's an attorney and it is so refreshing that she can either take or leave alcohol. I am so happy! I recently posted a picture of her and I on my Facebook page. I did this because I wanted to show her off to my friends. But my close female friends have told me that I shouldn't have done that...that my AXG will now definitely try to contact me and try to prove to me that she was able to beat her addiction and try to win me back.
Based on this, I would like to ask something that's been on my mind:
1. Is it true that "once an addict always an addict"? Is it possible that when my AXG does find another man she may be healed of this addiction?
2. Is it true that addicts try to come back to the person who loved them and really tried to help them, even though this person (like me) has moved on with someone else?
After I broke up with my AG in October, I went "no contact" with her. However, beginning Thanksgiving, she started texting me. At first her texts were saying that she liked my profile picture on Facebook. Given that we were no longer friends on Facebook, it was obvious that she was "stalking" me. I did NOT respond.
Her messages became more frequent and I ignored them all. Finally, at Christmas time, she texted me a long message saying that she missed me and was utterly disappointed we did not work out. She imagined so much happiness with me and she was still crying a lot and would appreciate if I could tell her something that would not make her miss me. Of course no mention at all of her drinking being the reason why I broke up with her. I ignored this message as well.
New Year's Eve she texted me "Hello." I was fed up. I texted back to her that I loved her but it was obvious I did not make her happy. I told her that I wanted her to be happy even if it was not with me, and that I wanted her to try not to contact me anymore. She said she was "...suprised and didn't know what to say." I again told her that I wanted her to be happy and that I had hoped that she had found another man that would make her happy.
Two weeks later she texted me "What is your address?" Needless to say, I did not respond.
I have great news...I have moved on and am dating someone that is awesome! She's an attorney and it is so refreshing that she can either take or leave alcohol. I am so happy! I recently posted a picture of her and I on my Facebook page. I did this because I wanted to show her off to my friends. But my close female friends have told me that I shouldn't have done that...that my AXG will now definitely try to contact me and try to prove to me that she was able to beat her addiction and try to win me back.
Based on this, I would like to ask something that's been on my mind:
1. Is it true that "once an addict always an addict"? Is it possible that when my AXG does find another man she may be healed of this addiction?
2. Is it true that addicts try to come back to the person who loved them and really tried to help them, even though this person (like me) has moved on with someone else?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Answers:
1. Alcoholism is a disease with no cure and the only treatment is abstinence. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It has nothing to do with you.
2. Of course she will try to win you back! You made her feel secure, because you were the only stable thing in her life!
You seem to be happy in your new relationship. Why would you want to invite the chaos back into your life?
1. Alcoholism is a disease with no cure and the only treatment is abstinence. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It has nothing to do with you.
2. Of course she will try to win you back! You made her feel secure, because you were the only stable thing in her life!
You seem to be happy in your new relationship. Why would you want to invite the chaos back into your life?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 54
Fantastic update! I'm so glad you've found someone else who makes you happy. Wishing you all the best.
I, myself, believe that "once and addict, always an addict" is true. I hope no one will be offended by this (please please correct me if I am wrong, I still have a lot to learn!) but I believe someone can be sober for years and still always have the potential to go back to drink.
You had originally (in your first post) said you didn't think she would ever want to come back to you because she could then be with her friends who drink, alcoholics can be very very selfish. I don't think it was that she didn't love you and was happier with her alcoholic friends, it may have been that she wasn't ready to stop drinking then and she was able to carry on drinking with her friends. She didn't want that to stop. I don't think for a moment that she didn't love you and didn't want to be with you. Just at that time she was putting alcohol first. You did the right thing by leaving in my opinion!
I also can't answer the second question. I think that's not necessarily something to do with being an alcoholic, many people do that who aren't alcoholics (once they realised what they have lost). She needs to respect that you have now moved on and are happy with someone else.
Personally I would continue with the no contact and focus on your new relationship.
I, myself, believe that "once and addict, always an addict" is true. I hope no one will be offended by this (please please correct me if I am wrong, I still have a lot to learn!) but I believe someone can be sober for years and still always have the potential to go back to drink.
You had originally (in your first post) said you didn't think she would ever want to come back to you because she could then be with her friends who drink, alcoholics can be very very selfish. I don't think it was that she didn't love you and was happier with her alcoholic friends, it may have been that she wasn't ready to stop drinking then and she was able to carry on drinking with her friends. She didn't want that to stop. I don't think for a moment that she didn't love you and didn't want to be with you. Just at that time she was putting alcohol first. You did the right thing by leaving in my opinion!
I also can't answer the second question. I think that's not necessarily something to do with being an alcoholic, many people do that who aren't alcoholics (once they realised what they have lost). She needs to respect that you have now moved on and are happy with someone else.
Personally I would continue with the no contact and focus on your new relationship.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
