heather59901

My significant other and I have been together off and on for 5 years. He has been home from rehab for about 6 or 7 weeks. He was there for 2 1/2 months. When he was drinking, his feelings seemed to change at random. One day he loved me and I was everything to him. The next day he would say he didn't know why he didn't love me, etc. Now, although, he says he loves me, he can't really articulate or express anything further if I ask. And then he ends up saying he has no feelings at all and is empty inside. He has had several lapses (he has gotten drunk the past 3 Fridays) since back from rehab and I am concerned about his recovery. But I am also trying to understand why he seems to lack feeling. I thought things would be better when he got back from rehab but they really aren't. Any advice?

iamthird

My separated AH actually just recently said the same thing. He has been sober going on 120 days. He tried to explain that he has feelings but cannot express them. I thought it was odd myself but then my therapist help me just "stay on my side of the street". I cannot get caught up in him if I am going to continue to get healthy.

I just have to say in early recovery they are learning about themselves all over again. He is just trying to find his place in the world right now.

heather59901

Thanks. I just thought it was odd. It hadn't occurred to me, I guess, that would be the case. Maybe in part because I am the opposite. I think I am very aware of my feelings and can usually articulate them pretty well. I suppose I just expected something different.

SparkleKitty

When my mother gave up drinking, that was all she did. She sacrificed the only that had numbed the pain of her emotions and childhood scars and didn't replace it with anything -- therapy, AA, family, anything.

For the last several years she has existed in a state of what appears to be emotional flatness. Since she is unwilling to go the therapy or AA, I can only assume that her only other option is to switch off her emotions completely.

Quitting drinking (which, frankly, it does not sound like your significant other has done) is only the beginning of recovery. Learning to deal with and communicate emotions is the rest of it.

FireSprite

It's early and emotional regulation is one of those things that takes time, IMO. RAH had some really emotionally dead moments & then would get overwhelmed with a surge of displaced/unburied stuff that would send him in the opposite direction - so emotional but just as scattered & incapable of doing anything WITH the feelings. He really didn't know WHAT he felt for many months; it was really difficult for him to match feelings with words. I remember being where you are, trying to ferret out whether there was anything left to salvage in this relationship & him adamantly telling me that he loved me but unable to expand on that thought when I asked, "Why? WHAT do you love about me?"

At a few weeks into recovery he couldn't have even told you what he liked about himself so now I get how impossible it was to answer my emotional questions. I was coming from a totally different perspective & couldn't understand what was so hard about a very simple, normal question.

NYCDoglvr

First, he's not really a recovering alcoholic since he does binge-drink. The business with having feelings or not is irrelevant as long as he's not sober and in a program. When I got sober two decades ago I didn't even know what a feeling was for quite some time.

Hawkeye13

He isn't in recovery if he's getting drunk 6-7 weeks out of rehab.

I think focusing on what you want long term may be more helpful instead of worrying about him--was he pushed into rehab?

It doesn't seem from his actions he is really done with drinking.
Hugs to you and good wishes.

dandylion

There could be the possibility that he is depressed....depressed people often describe themselves as feeling empty, inside.
It is his responsibility to deal with his recovery...going to meetings, talking with his sponsor or counselors. going to a doctor, if necessary....or if he is concerned about how he is feeling.
Are you in any kind of program or counseling?
Honestly, I have always said that it would be better if the alcoholic and their loved ones lived separately for 6mo. to a year after rehab---for these very reasons.
It would make it easier for all concerned, in my opinion.

With drinking this many times....I wonder if he is really committed to recovery, yet. (that is his problem, of course).

You asked if we had any advice.....well, I would say that you could check out alanon for yourself.
The early recovery period can be as bad, or worse, for the loved ones--than the original drinking.
As you both work your respective programs....you will both come out the other end as different people than you were before.
Right now...I would recommend that you back off of him....with questions, etc. and just attend alanon for yourself. Detach for right now.

dandylion

Liveitwell

My ex had a ton of feelings-they usually only came out when drinking towards the end of the marriage. He's not recovered if he's drinking and is just going down the slippery slope again.