Horrible Night Again
 

I don't know why I expected to have a good night. They have been few and far between. My ah has been very careful about how much he's been drinking at night. I have been checking his hidden bottle, and it appears that he's been taking 5-6 large drinks of his whiskey. Actually this ( looks like quart bottle) has lasted the week, usually done in 2 days. My ah worked all day yesterday, was his last day at this job. We're supposed to be reopening his family business, but with the 2 of us as owners. He didn't come home till around 6:30. He immediately got on the phone with a son of a friend, who is about 27 yrs old. This son is a RA, who was involved a few yrs ago in a DWI, with a fatality. He is counseling this young man, and actually picking him up today for some kind of race. My ah is telling this boy, his father isn't right, and my ah has his back. This is when the trouble began. I told my ah, that he should try to come between a father and son. He hit the roof . Not only was he on the phone with this kid for over 2 hrs, when I was looking forward to some kind of evening!! I took his bottle and put it on the kitchen counter. My ah called me again all kinds of names, to include how unattractive I am, and he could have any woman he wanted.
I'm worried about this young man being with my ah. I believe part of the reason he didn't go to jail is because he is now a RA. My ah took the almost empty bottle, and I believe took it with him.
He has threatened me so many times with divorce. I'm going to find a lawyer to talk too. I want to know what my rights are. Am I wrong to worry about this young man??? When will it all stop??? Am I expecting too much?? My ah told me last night he would fight me for our dogs. I am so confused. Am I wrong??? I'm feeling like the crazy inadequate wife. This disease has no mercy, and affects every part of ones life. This disease is like no other, most conditions the person seeks treatment and recovers. Not this disease!!! It hurts so.

Zircon, I'm not so worried about the young man. It sounds like he is old enough to take care of himself, and anyway what goes on between your husband and this young guy is not under your control. I'm more worried about you! We have a saying around here: "Nothing changes if nothing changes." It doesn't sound like your husband has any interest in making a change, so you might have to be the one to make a change if you are tired of living like this. I think talking to a lawyer is a great idea.

The thing I'd be worried about is how he treats you.

I think consulting a lawyer is a very good idea.

He is likely drinking a lot more than that one half bottle every four days. That was probably the third bottle, you just didn't know it. Or he has another stash. Regardless, you deserve better.

I'd stay out of monitoring his intake and I'd definitely stay out of his relationships with other people. You have plenty to deal with in your own relationship. Have you been to Al Anon or counseling for yourself?

Zircon....unfortunately, any efforts to do "controlled drinking" do not work for an alcoholic. They can work for a time....or the person can white knuckle it for a period of time....but, the compulsion to drink will eventually, override.
Most all alcoholics will try to do controlled drinking.....often, many times, in an effort to be able to continuing drinking. To never have another drink sounds like death to an alcoholic. Most will fight it tooth and nail....for years or decades, even. Some never give up.
It sounds like he isn't even close to wanting recovery. Thus, his denial and desire to continue drinking will color every thought and action.
Hon, you are fighting something that is beyond your control. You will not "win". He will want recovery, some day, for himself.....or, he won't. The best you can do is to get out of his way.....so that you don't prevent him from hitting his bottom, sooner.
Yes! By all means see a lawyer about all of your rights. That will be essential.
I would carefully reconsider entering business contracts with him. You stand to loose a lot.

These words of mi ne are harsh to your ears, I know. I hate to write them, even.
This is just the reality of this disease....
However....the sooner one can face the reality of this disease...the sooner one can protect oneself from the ravages that it brings to the alcoholic and all of the loved ones.

The young man that you are talking about....the reality is that he is 27 and will have to make his own judgements about who he listens to. I don't believe that your involvement will do much, if any good. It can add a lo t m ore drama and chaos to your life, though. Your husband should probably mind his own business.....good luck with that!....lol!

Oh, and you might as well stop watching the bottle.....that will just drive you more "crazy"......

dandylion

i am going through a divorce because I needed change. I spent many years living with an AH. They do not change unless they want to change. You have no control over their drinking and yes, stop watching the hidden bottles, just causes hurt and confusion. You can spend years going around in circles and watching the hidden bottles. Spend the time concentrating on you.
You need to decide if change is or what change you want. Do you love this man? Are you willing to accept what he is and stand by him and willing to overlook his drinking. If you love this man do not expect change, love him the way he is, take the bad with the good. Live your life your way and take care of yourself. Do not get caught up in his drinking where you do not take care of yourself. Let him live his own life.
If you want out, get out and do not look back.

Wonderful advice in this thread! Zircon, thank you for posting. Take whatever helps from this forum, and the rest you can ignore or store.

Stepping away from rights and wrongs was a turning point for me. Somewhere along this journey I started looking at things as potentially healthy or unhealthy.

His relationship with RA doesn't set off any red flags. Your expectations and judgements may be playing a large role in your pain. You're expecting a lot from someone who is very ill. The expectations of a business partnership, of attention, judgments of how much he's drinking or what his relationships should look like.

I've had so many of the same expectations and judgments... plus many, many more. With becoming willing to go to Alanon meetings, slowly a flood-gate opened and I cried and started feeling all the fears and feelings I'd stuffed down for a very long time. It amazes me how many people in the program understand me in ways I've never understood myself, and that they give me all the time I need to learn, process things, and grow. Baby steps are a good thing. We can learn what we're ready to, when we're ready.

I also had been putting even more judgements and expectations on myself. I wasn't aware of most of it. This was more harmful to me than the level of alcohol ever was.

Even getting sober didn't solve any of our problems, because I was bringing plenty to it and neither of us were serious about our own recoveries. Alcohol helped to normalize my husband's brain, until that stopped working. My obssesive thoughts about my husband, my need to do for others and fix others, that was my own drug of choice. It also worked, until it stopped working for me. Recovery is a journey. I have seen active alcoholics and those in recovery work together in different ways, and am letting go of expectations of how life is supposed to work. My best thinking didn't solve my problems, and it's not going to solve theirs.

Now I'm finding peace, happiness, self-love and self-worth.

My ah called me again all kinds of names, to include how unattractive I am, and he could have any woman he wanted.
I'm worried about this young man being with my ah.

while your concern for the young man is commendable, do you see how you deflected the verbal abuse YOU suffered and instead mentioned concern for this young man being with your AH?

this "kid" is close to 30 years old, he can handle himself. you have no control over what your AH does or who he does it with.

focus on you now. on getting away from such a monster.

Thank You All
 

I wrote a post earlier but the whole thing is lost somewhere.
I want to thank everyone for their advice and support. I don't think I'd get through this without the caring voices of everyone here. I am going to find a Alanon meeting. I feel strong enough and comfortable with myself to go.
I don't know how this will all play out, but I do know I emotionally and physically can't take much more. With each passing day, I seem to becoming more detached from the man I love.
My ah has no patience or appears to have lost his sense of self and understanding. In the 11 years we have been together, my ah would never have called me the names he has. Only over the past 1 1/2, has he grown into this monster. He show no remorse for his behavior, feels he right and the world is wrong.
I am having a difficult time deciding what to do. I think it's my history. I've always considered myself damaged goods. I was in an abusive marriage for 23 yrs before I walked away.
I am a very proud good person. I do everything I can to help others, but funny I can't help myself! I found a book on the forum that I'm reading " Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I'm hoping it will give me some insight.
I'm no saint by any means, but I wouldn't attentionally try to hurt someone. I always tell my patients when they are asking me a question about leaving a situation. That they already know the answer to the question, just needed validation.
Right now my ah is sleeping away. Again I'm alone, probably a good thing after last night.
Yes I have very high expectations for myself. I also I guess have expectations of my ah. I am going to have to learn to let those things go. My ah is not going to stop drinking. He likes to drink.
I am now going to have to rethink how I want to live my life.
I'm taking everyone's advice and am going to stop looking for bottles. It's just driving me crazy, he could care less.
I guess what I was saying is my ah was my life, and now he is not. Alcoholism is his life, but is not going to be mine.
I just need the strengh and courage to stay true to my self.
Thanks for listening!

don't look back, you are not going there

Dear Zircon:
The way I assess where someone is with denial and projection, or change and responsibility, is if they are aware and confronting the link between their behavior with their past relations and issues with parents. if they still have "mommy issues" or "daddy issues" they are in the dark about, then the patterns will continue. The people I know who have broken free and made change not only are aware, but confront these issues with forgiveness and courage to change for the better. There is no mistaking or faking this! People are either in denial and projecting blame on others; or if they are aware and taking responsibility they are HUMBLED by the task, and learn not to judge others because they are focused on their own part of the problem.

For this man to blame you and try to belittle you as a defense mechanism is clearly denial and projection. Very immature, and unless you are a professional counselor, you are not paid enough to provide therapy to guide this man through the process. He is still not aware of his patterns, so this will continue in cycles. Steer clear if you cannot afford the time, energy and expense this will cost you.