LemonGirl

My youngest daughter's dad is going at it again with me. This particular person seems to trigger me, every time. I set up a third party account some years ago to communicate with him so that he and I don't have to have face to face conversations (and possibly argue) and so that the conversations could monitored by court if necessary.... and he won't be able to tamper with any of it, which he did in the past.
He is always trying to make me out to be controlling and just jealous of him and his wife, or like I am trying to keep the kids from him. And here is the thing... there are numerous things that I don't agree with that he does that I say nothing about; it is none of my business. But the number one thing, that any mother would feel the need to say something about, is the emotional/mental abuse that goes on between him and his wife, in front of the kids. And recently, his other son recorded their dad yelling and cursing at the step son, and I got to hear that recording. He sounds like a monster, and he is scary. Heck, he was scary when I was with him.

What's happened over the years is that he got what custody order he wanted and I was made out to look like a loony bin, and I have yet to be able to "prove" what he is doing to and in front of the kids. And now the kids hate going over there for visits (court mandated) because of the chaos over there, and of course, the ex blames me and says I am feeding their heads with lies and manipulating them. Typical abuser stuff right there!

ALL of this stuff comes up over and over again in our conversations. I have learned to disengage as much as possible, because to a judge in court, it is all nonsense anyway.

But I found myself this morning, about to respond to a message, completely forgetting about that option, and in walks my abf (these are two different people; abf is my current boyfriend who is muddling through recovery right now, and the ex is my youngest daughter's father)..... in walks my abf with words of reason.... (not verbatim) ...as a third person, looking in, I can see that you let him get to you way too much... like ptsd or something. The past is in the past, and he won't be able to get away with that again. You have to let it go and believe that.

Stopped me dead in my tracks! Dang... He is right! Here I was about to go all codie on the ex like I can actually change anything about him... I was about to lose my cool and sense of peace and engage with him in his nonsense... to allow myself to live in his misery with him, yet again... to allow the past to dictate my present.... I was about to operate off of fear instead of being present. It was perfect timing for my abf to say that to me.

We really don't have to engage with these type of people at their level; we can maintain our sense of peace and our sense of self. I often feel like people like this are literally taking a piece of my soul. And I have to repeat to myself, over and over again, that I am whole... I am valid...I matter... And to have faith, that some day, the truth of all of this is going to come out. I highly recommend third party communication sites, too. They help with disengaging =)

In working our steps, I find that faith is a really big obstacle for me as I learn to let go of whatever control I think I have... To trust that my HP has got me and my best interest at heart and that God's business with my ex is just that. And it will all unfold in it's own time, and that I don't have to lose myself in the meantime. Trust. Faith.


I just wanted to share. I think there are a lot of us who find that even after we left the abuser/addict, we still have to endure some type of relationship with them for our children. It may not be everyday, and I am so glad that I left! But this will continue to be something I have to learn from.... At least for another 9 years!

Lilro

My son was 9 years old when I divorced my husband. The ONLY reason I stayed until he was 9 was because there was NO WAY I was going to give my child to him every other weekend if he was a baby. At 9 at least he could tell me if there were any issues going on when he was at his dad's. I tried twice to get full custody of my son because I knew my ex was abusing prescription drugs but was unable to because I could nor prove it in court. He abused ambien, believe it or not! AMBIEN. So I waited, I threatened, I lived with a knot in my stomach. I never once talked bad to my son about my ex but I could see how my ex's changing moods were effecting my son.
Fast forward to today...I have a 16 year old who is well aware of his fathers PAST addiction. ( He overdosed on AMBIEN while at work ). My first thought?? GOTCHA!!
I can say today that I have a son that in my eyes walks on water..lol... Such a good boy, thank god! And an ex husband who has finally taken control of his demons. I'm proud of them both.
Do what you have to do.. The truth always reveals itself in the end but whatever you do, do not talk in any negative way about your ex to you child. I had read somewhere years ago that when we speak ill of an ex to ourchild it is like we are speaking that way to half of them, make sense?
Hang in there.....all will be ok.

LemonGirl

Oh wow! Thank you for this...

hopeful4

I am in this same boat. My X is a narcissist a$$, and always will be. I have accepted that, and really, my children do too. They know he won't ever change. They are age 9 (almost 10) and 16. They HATE going to their dads, and if he drinks, I come get them and don't make them stay b/c it's in our divorce decree that he cannot. What I cannot do is tell them they don't have to go just b/c they don't like him. He has reigned it in quite a bit as of late, b/c the girls we about done w/him. And if anything else happens, I will quit sending them there all together and he can take me to court. Thing is, I have restricted his time much less than other fathers, and if we go to court, that could backfire in my face.

In the state which I reside, once you are 17 you can do what you want, you are considered an adult so to speak. However, that leaves my little girl, so I essentially have 7 more years to deal with him. Believe me, I CANNOT WAIT until the day I don't have to deal with him at all.

For now, we text. I cannot hold a conversation w/him b/c he is a hot mess. I don't even try. That's fine. Texting is better, and only about the kids, that is absolutely it.

Good luck to everyone. Just b/c you divorce someone does not mean you don't deal with them anymore when you have children, that is 100% true.

Be strong, keep coming to SR b/c it helps immensely to have people who are in the same boat and understand.

XXX

LemonGirl

True true, hopeful!

I had to set up a third party account for communication because he took previous texts and emails and changed words and dates and ommited parts of our conversations so that he could paint me as the "psycho ex" in front of the judge. And it seemed to work!

Be careful with texts and emails....

hopeful4

Oh yes, boy do I know. I save the actual texts on a separate server just for this reason.