breaking point----I've hit it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 97
Please be so careful FTS. The signs of danger and potential violence are rampant in your situation. He is a coward and cowards are the most dangerous people. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Sooner rather than later I would end the charade and commence the tough work ahead.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
FTS,
Can I tell you a story?
I am convinced that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. I really do think to this day that he thinks that I was the blame for everything and that he was the perfect husband.
I remember once telling him that I wanted a divorce, and that our marriage was bad for the last 20 years. He told me he only thought it was bad the last 5 years. It's funny, in a way, it was the last 5 years that I tried to grow a backbone. Those were the years that he thought was terrible. Those were the years that I was feeling good about myself because I was coming "out of the fog".
So, yep, all these things, you apologizing, him wanting to hear that you feel safe, they are all just for his ego. He wants to know you won't run. What I mean by that is that you will not abandon him, or reject him. He truly doesn't care how you really feel. I don't think that he is capable of that empathy. He doesn't really want to know if you feel safe, he wants to know if he feels safe. If everything is back to the way it was so that he can feel safe.
Just think about everything, and think about what you would do for someone to feel safe with you. Would you continue with the porn? Would you continue with the verbal abuse and emotional abuse? IDTS
Here for you and (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Can I tell you a story?
I am convinced that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. I really do think to this day that he thinks that I was the blame for everything and that he was the perfect husband.
I remember once telling him that I wanted a divorce, and that our marriage was bad for the last 20 years. He told me he only thought it was bad the last 5 years. It's funny, in a way, it was the last 5 years that I tried to grow a backbone. Those were the years that he thought was terrible. Those were the years that I was feeling good about myself because I was coming "out of the fog".
So, yep, all these things, you apologizing, him wanting to hear that you feel safe, they are all just for his ego. He wants to know you won't run. What I mean by that is that you will not abandon him, or reject him. He truly doesn't care how you really feel. I don't think that he is capable of that empathy. He doesn't really want to know if you feel safe, he wants to know if he feels safe. If everything is back to the way it was so that he can feel safe.
Just think about everything, and think about what you would do for someone to feel safe with you. Would you continue with the porn? Would you continue with the verbal abuse and emotional abuse? IDTS
Here for you and (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Thanks Amy,
I've done the research on borderline personality, and he fits the bill pretty well. On the other hand he fits the bill for a bunch of unhealthy ave potentially dangerous things.
Surgery is tomorrow morning @ 7:15. Gag. But soon ( hopefully) I shall be aneurysm free.
Nothing is going to happen, as far as getting him out, for a few weeks. He will take his children with him. I will give him the car. I'm going to keep the suburban because I will need the 4wD more since I'm out in the boonies. But all his checks have been going towards bills, so he has nothing saved up what so ever. So he will need a week or two to find a place. I will in fact give him that time. He has children and I would NEVER do that to them.
I just simply can't ask him to leave right now. He's my driver to surgery and if they keep me two nights, he'll have to drive home and help the girls get ready for homecoming. It's my 13 year olds first homecoming dance. I really hope to be there, but there is nothing I can do at this point.
When he asked me about it I felt safe, I asked him what he meant. He said do I feel like I am being treated well and do I feel safe in our commitment to each other and our family. I said no, not really. Especially when you are angry and name calling all the time. I asked him if he felt safe. He said no.
I don't feel like he was trying to scare me or anything. It was a counseling night for him, and I believe he is starting to get the message that no one in the house feels safe when he's pissed.
At any rate, Hoover mode is back in full gear. At least I can get through this procedure tomorrow with that comfort.
I've done the research on borderline personality, and he fits the bill pretty well. On the other hand he fits the bill for a bunch of unhealthy ave potentially dangerous things.
Surgery is tomorrow morning @ 7:15. Gag. But soon ( hopefully) I shall be aneurysm free.
Nothing is going to happen, as far as getting him out, for a few weeks. He will take his children with him. I will give him the car. I'm going to keep the suburban because I will need the 4wD more since I'm out in the boonies. But all his checks have been going towards bills, so he has nothing saved up what so ever. So he will need a week or two to find a place. I will in fact give him that time. He has children and I would NEVER do that to them.
I just simply can't ask him to leave right now. He's my driver to surgery and if they keep me two nights, he'll have to drive home and help the girls get ready for homecoming. It's my 13 year olds first homecoming dance. I really hope to be there, but there is nothing I can do at this point.
When he asked me about it I felt safe, I asked him what he meant. He said do I feel like I am being treated well and do I feel safe in our commitment to each other and our family. I said no, not really. Especially when you are angry and name calling all the time. I asked him if he felt safe. He said no.
I don't feel like he was trying to scare me or anything. It was a counseling night for him, and I believe he is starting to get the message that no one in the house feels safe when he's pissed.
At any rate, Hoover mode is back in full gear. At least I can get through this procedure tomorrow with that comfort.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Sending you tons of prayers for tomorrow's surgery Free!!! (((((((hugs))))))
I think you're making the best of a crap situation & making some powerful awarenesses about yourself along the way. I commend you for being brave enough to talk about it all here. I truly identify with realizing that I was in some ways, "poking the bear" sometimes in order to keep feeding the unhealthy dynamic that I hated, but also found comfort in it's familiarity. There's nothing like a comfortable rut & the way it masquerades as a feeling of safety. (you might have talked about this in your other thread, not sure, kind of lost track between the 2, sorry!)
You are brave & you are strong & I am positive that you will do this in the way that makes the best sense for you & your kids (& his kids!) because it's who you are.
I think you're making the best of a crap situation & making some powerful awarenesses about yourself along the way. I commend you for being brave enough to talk about it all here. I truly identify with realizing that I was in some ways, "poking the bear" sometimes in order to keep feeding the unhealthy dynamic that I hated, but also found comfort in it's familiarity. There's nothing like a comfortable rut & the way it masquerades as a feeling of safety. (you might have talked about this in your other thread, not sure, kind of lost track between the 2, sorry!)
You are brave & you are strong & I am positive that you will do this in the way that makes the best sense for you & your kids (& his kids!) because it's who you are.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Free-just wanted to say that I've been down this road with my ex...well, after divorce and when we were still married. He sounds a lot like mine-mine would always profess that he would do anything to keep me safe yet not seeing he was the one I, and our kids, needed safety from. My ex has continually threatened, harassed, lied and stalked me....why? Because there's something wrong with HIM and how dare I leave and tell the truth. Yours sounds like a bully-mine was/is too. I just got my CHL-you may want to consider if nothjng else for peace of mind. The last time the police were at my house (a couple if weeks ago) after a suspicious car followed us home at night (it was terrifying), the officer told me to arm myself. Just take some precautions, ok? Things like this can escalate very quickly wheb they realize you're leaving for good. I don't share these things to scare you-just as a heads up. Please check in!!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Sry I can't support u much anymore. Something has been changed on the site that makes it very difficult to post. I want tiler FTS know that I'm her cheerleader! I'll be watching your journey, Nikki. You ARE strong. Don't know what's going on with the mobile site but it is no longer user friendly. Where has Lexie been????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Well surgery sucked. Went through post embolization syndrome. Had a horrible night nurse who didn't document my emesis ( vomit) our call doc for IV fluid replacement. So by the morning when the doc came in, he was shocked I was so dehydrated. Then they couldn't get an IV in after 5 sticks. In tons and tons of pain...... Ugh. This really sucks !
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....I am so sorry to hear of your rocky time. I hope you are asking for enough pain meds when you need....?
Lets hope that they are being cautious but don't find anything of significance!!
I have been thinking about you a lot.....and, I know that you are a strong girl....
I know this is a darkish time for you---with so much going on.....
For now....just take it one step at a time.....and get yourself healed, above all else. (I hope you get a better nurse, tonight).
You have a ton of people, here on SR who are rooting for you!
Thanks for letting us know.....
dandylion
Lets hope that they are being cautious but don't find anything of significance!!
I have been thinking about you a lot.....and, I know that you are a strong girl....
I know this is a darkish time for you---with so much going on.....
For now....just take it one step at a time.....and get yourself healed, above all else. (I hope you get a better nurse, tonight).
You have a ton of people, here on SR who are rooting for you!
Thanks for letting us know.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....I will tell you a story. At one time, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy....and hemorrhaged pretty bad---had emergency surgery---abdominal incision. Now, mind you, I was a PA...but, had been an RN for several years before that. Well, I woke up in the morning....a nurse came in and told me that "WE" were going to get out of bed. I explained to him that I had just had major surgery and that I was in too much pain ......and that I would not be getting out of bed that day.....lol...LOL.....
(he won/I didn't!)
Point of the story....I had never had surgery before...and, I was shocked....shocked....at the amount of pain, just to move!!!!!
Then, I recalled.....especially my years as a nurse....when I had drug hundreds of patients out of bed!!! Of course, I knew they were in pain...and I was always as kind as I could be.....but, I just had no friggin idea how much pain they were actually in!!
I can tell you, that after I returned to work---I became the desciple of pain management to all of my collegues who would listen. I emphasized over and over, how important gentle compassion and pain management was.
I am rattling on, because I just recalled that memory. I know that this experience, down the line, is going to make you a better nurse.
Believe me, you have my upmost empathy, right now!
dandylion
(he won/I didn't!)
Point of the story....I had never had surgery before...and, I was shocked....shocked....at the amount of pain, just to move!!!!!
Then, I recalled.....especially my years as a nurse....when I had drug hundreds of patients out of bed!!! Of course, I knew they were in pain...and I was always as kind as I could be.....but, I just had no friggin idea how much pain they were actually in!!
I can tell you, that after I returned to work---I became the desciple of pain management to all of my collegues who would listen. I emphasized over and over, how important gentle compassion and pain management was.
I am rattling on, because I just recalled that memory. I know that this experience, down the line, is going to make you a better nurse.
Believe me, you have my upmost empathy, right now!
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
Plus they found another three aneurysms... They want to test me for an autoimmune disorder. Possibly vasculitis or lupus.... I'm just so damn overwhelmed
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am so sorry that your medical condition is more complex and still unresolved. That is a hard place to be in with your husband behaving as he is.
The good news is that you do have a medical team working on your behalf, and they will get to the bottom of this.
We are all with you in spirit, so come here whenever you need to and draw on our strength.
ShootingStar1
The good news is that you do have a medical team working on your behalf, and they will get to the bottom of this.
We are all with you in spirit, so come here whenever you need to and draw on our strength.
ShootingStar1
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