breaking point----I've hit it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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((((((((((free)))))))))
I'm so sorry things turned out this way for you. I read the list that you posted, and I'm sure that is not even half of the list. I know because I stopped writing things down at #132, and that was 2 years before I left. (Ugh, why didn't I leave sooner?)
It is true that my ex was nicer to me while I was going through cancer, (not always that way though). I had asked my ex why, and he told me that he knew husbands were supposed to be good then, and that he had to look good to everyone else. Since yours is basically nice to other people, just not you, he could be operating the same as mine did.
I also remember he gave me about 2 months, perhaps 3 months after my chemo and radiation, before he started up again.
We were just sitting there having a nice, normal conversation, and out of the blue he said to me, "I see you are back to your own b!tchy self", well that took me back a little and I asked him why he would say that when we were getting along and having a nice coversation? He replied, I just meant that it seems you got your strength back now.
Your H doesn't know what you are going through, so if he operates the same way mine did, start playing up the "sick card"now, and as long as you can after surgery, until you tell him to GTFO.
Thinking of you
amy
I'm so sorry things turned out this way for you. I read the list that you posted, and I'm sure that is not even half of the list. I know because I stopped writing things down at #132, and that was 2 years before I left. (Ugh, why didn't I leave sooner?)
It is true that my ex was nicer to me while I was going through cancer, (not always that way though). I had asked my ex why, and he told me that he knew husbands were supposed to be good then, and that he had to look good to everyone else. Since yours is basically nice to other people, just not you, he could be operating the same as mine did.
I also remember he gave me about 2 months, perhaps 3 months after my chemo and radiation, before he started up again.
We were just sitting there having a nice, normal conversation, and out of the blue he said to me, "I see you are back to your own b!tchy self", well that took me back a little and I asked him why he would say that when we were getting along and having a nice coversation? He replied, I just meant that it seems you got your strength back now.
Your H doesn't know what you are going through, so if he operates the same way mine did, start playing up the "sick card"now, and as long as you can after surgery, until you tell him to GTFO.
Thinking of you
amy
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freetosmile....when you say "remind you not to treat him like a human being".....specifically, what does that mean to you? Exactly what actions?
I am also wondering if it is a good idea to clue the kids in---ahead of time---?
Kids can so easily make a remark that gives everything away---without even meaning to.....?!
dandylion
I am also wondering if it is a good idea to clue the kids in---ahead of time---?
Kids can so easily make a remark that gives everything away---without even meaning to.....?!
dandylion
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Dandy
I did tell the older ones and no they will not say anything to him. Remember the two oldest are his. I did talk to them and my oldest bio. They are in agreement with me.
And by not human, I mean for example him telling me he loves and how beautiful I am one day and then calls me all of the above literally the next day without warning and says that it's because he just can't get over all the terrible things I have done. When, according to me, he has shown no signs of distress for the weeks before. It's totally out of the blue. There is no logic to it. There is no solution to it.
I can only assume that he does this because my attention is not all on him. That's why I can predict his blow ups... Like before a big exam, family events and so on.
This is not "human". This is not an adjustment disorder...... It's cold, calculated abuse. It HAS to be
I did tell the older ones and no they will not say anything to him. Remember the two oldest are his. I did talk to them and my oldest bio. They are in agreement with me.
And by not human, I mean for example him telling me he loves and how beautiful I am one day and then calls me all of the above literally the next day without warning and says that it's because he just can't get over all the terrible things I have done. When, according to me, he has shown no signs of distress for the weeks before. It's totally out of the blue. There is no logic to it. There is no solution to it.
I can only assume that he does this because my attention is not all on him. That's why I can predict his blow ups... Like before a big exam, family events and so on.
This is not "human". This is not an adjustment disorder...... It's cold, calculated abuse. It HAS to be
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freetosmile....I get all that. That was not what I was asking.
You indicated that we should remind you not to treat him like a "human being".
Specifically, in what ways (hypothetically) would you be treating him "like a human being"...that we are supposed to remind you NOT to do?
dandylion
You indicated that we should remind you not to treat him like a "human being".
Specifically, in what ways (hypothetically) would you be treating him "like a human being"...that we are supposed to remind you NOT to do?
dandylion
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Like giving in when he tells me he can change. Like treating that as a heart felt response as opposed to an abusive tactic to Hoover me.....
I may not even need the reminding... But if I post and appear to be eating his ear candy.. Please refer me to the list. Please remind me that this is just another cycle of the pattern. That this ISN'T going to get better. I don't want people saying " I understand you have hope, or I will support you no matter what you choose"
What I need is " hey, fts, quit buying the crap and snap out of it!"
I need to be held accountable, because now that I am sure of what he truly is....i cannot in all good consciousness keep making excuses to stay. THAT is MY weakness and I need a little tough love. I'm asking in kindness to tough love me, because I NEED it.
I may not even need the reminding... But if I post and appear to be eating his ear candy.. Please refer me to the list. Please remind me that this is just another cycle of the pattern. That this ISN'T going to get better. I don't want people saying " I understand you have hope, or I will support you no matter what you choose"
What I need is " hey, fts, quit buying the crap and snap out of it!"
I need to be held accountable, because now that I am sure of what he truly is....i cannot in all good consciousness keep making excuses to stay. THAT is MY weakness and I need a little tough love. I'm asking in kindness to tough love me, because I NEED it.
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He is horrible human being K? Horrible. And, he is not changing. Ever.
Maybe the Dr. have given you the ok for sex, but I can't imagine having sex under these circumstances (given you don't feel well either). Its almost as if he is forcing the issue 2/3x a day because he KNOWS you don't feel good. A real pig in my book.
Lots of prayers and hugs FTS.
Maybe the Dr. have given you the ok for sex, but I can't imagine having sex under these circumstances (given you don't feel well either). Its almost as if he is forcing the issue 2/3x a day because he KNOWS you don't feel good. A real pig in my book.
Lots of prayers and hugs FTS.
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freetosmile.....LOL...now that is very clear. I will be happy to oblige.
Just speaking in general....A pattern that I have noticed, over time, is that when someone is beginning to "weaken" as you describe....and starting to believe the "ear candy"....they generally stop posting....fearing, I suppose, just what you are asking us for.....some very straight reality feedback. I am thinking that they still can't bear to give up the hope that he is finally going to change into what they want him to be.
It looks to me like you may have turned the corner.......
dandylion
Just speaking in general....A pattern that I have noticed, over time, is that when someone is beginning to "weaken" as you describe....and starting to believe the "ear candy"....they generally stop posting....fearing, I suppose, just what you are asking us for.....some very straight reality feedback. I am thinking that they still can't bear to give up the hope that he is finally going to change into what they want him to be.
It looks to me like you may have turned the corner.......
dandylion
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he is like so many, stories pretty much the same. This site wasn't around when I married and survived those 21 years with my ExAH. He acted like he loved every other female that we knew, but not me. He had no respect and no compassion when I needed something. The mental anguish was the worst. He also choked, strangled, raped, suffocated me, along with other physical punishments where before I passed out or said my goodbye prayers to my little girls - he would say to me "I can kill you at any moment".
That day came. My day. The one where I set no boundary but for myself. No words. No planning. No regret.
I wish no one went thru this but I can truly say that I learned so much about life thru him. Mostly about myself. Nothing is lost. But I also put my children, parents, friends, siblings and anyone who would listen - thru hell. They feared for me every single day. Waiting for that call. I think I was too selfish while waiting for the 'right' moment. He passed away this spring at 57. We were apart for 13 years and I never regretted leaving.
Stay strong, if not for yourself - then for all of your loved ones.
That day came. My day. The one where I set no boundary but for myself. No words. No planning. No regret.
I wish no one went thru this but I can truly say that I learned so much about life thru him. Mostly about myself. Nothing is lost. But I also put my children, parents, friends, siblings and anyone who would listen - thru hell. They feared for me every single day. Waiting for that call. I think I was too selfish while waiting for the 'right' moment. He passed away this spring at 57. We were apart for 13 years and I never regretted leaving.
Stay strong, if not for yourself - then for all of your loved ones.
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It was a lot of recovery talk this weekend. I know I can change he says, I've been working really hard, free... But I have 30 years of dysfunction to unlearn. Please be patient....
And he built me a closet...
And he built me a closet...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by freetosmile 
It was a lot of recovery talk this weekend. I know I can change he says, I've been working really hard, free... But I have 30 years of dysfunction to unlearn. Please be patient....
And he built me a closet...
And he built me a closet...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Read this!
I am no longer looking at Steve as a human being. He is an abuser. He does not operate on the normal wave length that the rest of us do. He knows what he is doing. It is calculated. It is timed. It is pre-meditiated.
Because I cannot afford a blow to my spleen ( the artery will rupture and I could die very quickly)....I must proceed with extreme caution. I will get through the surgery first before I force him to leave. I will have the police there. I WILL get restraining order and I AM DOING THIS.
Here is my list. Please refer me back to this post if I appear to falter later on.......
1. You are no better than a prostitute
2. *****
3. Quit teaching the girls about your ****** ways
4. I hope you die a miserable death
5. Your just like your mother
6. ******
7. ****
8. How many men did you **** while I was at treatment
9. I don’t want to ride home for three hours next to this piece of ***** (pointing at me)
10. Your no ****** housewife.
11. sucked my ****** way better than you.
For some reason I burst into tears as I looked back on the “I hope you die a miserable death”.
12. All you do is seek attention from the opposite sex.
13. You show your **** to my brother
14. You ******* my brother.
15.You’ve ruined my credit.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You are the reason I cannot see my kids.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You talk too much
18. You destroyed everything for me ***** thanks.
19. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.
20. Once a **** always a ****.
21. Do you want me to rape your ass like Ted did?
Because I cannot afford a blow to my spleen ( the artery will rupture and I could die very quickly)....I must proceed with extreme caution. I will get through the surgery first before I force him to leave. I will have the police there. I WILL get restraining order and I AM DOING THIS.
Here is my list. Please refer me back to this post if I appear to falter later on.......
1. You are no better than a prostitute
2. *****
3. Quit teaching the girls about your ****** ways
4. I hope you die a miserable death
5. Your just like your mother
6. ******
7. ****
8. How many men did you **** while I was at treatment
9. I don’t want to ride home for three hours next to this piece of ***** (pointing at me)
10. Your no ****** housewife.
11. sucked my ****** way better than you.
For some reason I burst into tears as I looked back on the “I hope you die a miserable death”.
12. All you do is seek attention from the opposite sex.
13. You show your **** to my brother
14. You ******* my brother.
15.You’ve ruined my credit.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You are the reason I cannot see my kids.
16. You’ve wasted 6 years of my life
17. You talk too much
18. You destroyed everything for me ***** thanks.
19. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.
20. Once a **** always a ****.
21. Do you want me to rape your ass like Ted did?
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Yep! Building you a closet is akin to saying how lovely you are to set you up for the next blow coming out of the left field blue sky. This is how the abuser works. "Look at me! I'm doing something for YOU! You need to be on your knees for ME because of it! Look how hard I'm trying on my recovery! You should be bowing down in front of my very existence!" Blech. He's a calculating monster thinking he's smarter than you using his manipulation tactics. The countdown is on to rid you of that cancerous tumor on your soul.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Yep! Building you a closet is akin to saying how lovely you are to set you up for the next blow coming out of the left field blue sky. This is how the abuser works. "Look at me! I'm doing something for YOU! You need to be on your knees for ME because of it! Look how hard I'm trying on my recovery! You should be bowing down in front of my very existence!" Blech. He's a calculating monster thinking he's smarter than you using his manipulation tactics. The countdown is on to rid you of that cancerous tumor on your soul.
Didn't he build you a fence to get back in the door last time?
Read the list--
That kind of verbal abuse is never OK no matter what happened to him
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FreetoSmile....his definition of "trying really hard" may be different than another's definition.
I believe that you said that he isn't going to meetings or meeting with sponsor anymore...? That would be minimum effort for his situation.
Not saying insulting things to you would be another.....because he CAN control it. He is able to when he is with his boss and other people.....because he is ;motivated to control it with them---otherwise, he would get his ass kicked. He would be cast aside.
Free.....where he is broke...you can't fix....just being "patient" wo n't do it.
It is sad when anyone had a dysfunctional past....but, it does not require that YOU become a human sacrifice because of his past.
As a matter of fact, you h ad a difficult growing up. You are not being abusive to him or other people to "make up" for it. !
He needs serious therapy for probably a few years.
I am glad that you can see through his closet building.
Right now, though, he doesn't need to know what you "know" (wink, wink).
dandylion
I believe that you said that he isn't going to meetings or meeting with sponsor anymore...? That would be minimum effort for his situation.
Not saying insulting things to you would be another.....because he CAN control it. He is able to when he is with his boss and other people.....because he is ;motivated to control it with them---otherwise, he would get his ass kicked. He would be cast aside.
Free.....where he is broke...you can't fix....just being "patient" wo n't do it.
It is sad when anyone had a dysfunctional past....but, it does not require that YOU become a human sacrifice because of his past.
As a matter of fact, you h ad a difficult growing up. You are not being abusive to him or other people to "make up" for it. !
He needs serious therapy for probably a few years.
I am glad that you can see through his closet building.
Right now, though, he doesn't need to know what you "know" (wink, wink).
dandylion
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