Catareta

How do I give my ABF an ultimatum? Be sober and have me or leave!

I am going to send him to his mums for a few weeks - then meet if all ok, start a new relationship but he has to do this for himself.

I don't want to live alone but this is torturous andl my family see what's happening.

jjj111

Cat, I've always heard that boundaries are better than ultimatums. "Get sober or get out" is an attempt to control his behavior. "I will not live with an alcoholic" is about what you are willing to do. I think it's also about dealing with the situation in front of you. Right now, you are living with an alcoholic who is (from what I remember) drinking despite a detox attempt. The trick is to accept and deal with that without future tripping. Later on, if he becomes an alcoholic with a long period of sobriety who seems more capable of being the partner you need, you can deal with that then. But that is not the situation you have to deal with right now. Good luck! It's not easy!

Catareta

Boundaries.. Where do I start?
So confused and scared

healthyagain

Now, the tricky part about ultimatums is that you have to do what you say you gonna do. Otherwise, it is just an empty threat and an attempt to scare him or control him.

Another part is, if you really really are not doing this because of yourself, if you hope even a little that he will change because of your ultimatum, get ready to be disappointed big time if he decides not to do what you want him to do.

jjj111

For me, identifying boundaries is all about getting in touch with myself--figuring out my own needs and values. What do you want in a partner? What are your values around drugs and alcohol? If you are someone who wants an emotionally reliable partner, and who values sobriety, then you are allowed to expect that in your life and not settle for less!

Lilro

Cat
Do not give him an ultimatum. They do not like it!! Not sure about the other ladies but I find that when you give them an ultimatum they will do the complete opposite. For spite? Unknown.
Set yourself some boundaries. I will not be around you when you drink, etc. let him know what you expect from him and how YOU will handle it if he doesn't comply. This is not about him, it's about YOU. once you set your boundaries do not go back on them otherwise he will just call bullcr@p.
Good luck! It's hard... You are not dealing with a person who thinks like the rest of us.

Thomas45

Just to echo what was said before, ultimatums are a means of controlling someone else's behavior against their will. Being controlled causes resentment, and as you probably well know, resentments can escalate uncontrollably especially where addictions are concerned. If you've ever heard someone sober talking about a person they don't like, and then talking about the same person while drunk, you know what I'm talking about. Big difference.

If you give him an ultimatum, maybe he will follow it. Maybe he won't. But if you give an ultimatum that he won't follow and you chicken out of sticking to the consequences of your ultimatum, he will never respect your boundaries or your ultimatums because they don't have any legitimacy.

If he agrees to the ultimatum, maybe he will relapse. If he enjoys drinking, there's a good chance he will relapse. Maybe it will be in public, maybe it will be in secret. But if he relapses, it is because his desire to do what he wants is stronger than his desire to do what you want. And then this becomes an issue of whether or not your threats had any teeth to them, which pushes the issue back at you.

Nobody wants to feel like they are being controlled into doing something they don't want to do (or not doing something that they do want to do). This is especially true in relationships: relationships aren't about "you have to do what I say", relationships are about mutual trust and respect where both people respect their partner enough to recognize their right to live their life the way they see fit. If you want to live your life in a specific way (i.e. a non alcoholic relationship), the onus is on *you* to make the necessary decisions with your life to get there rather than forcing that desired lifestyle upon someone.

At the risk of sounding blunt, if that level of trust and respect isn't present in both partners, the relationship simply won't work out in the end because what you've actually got is a glamorized idea of how you imagine someone might be if you successfully changed them from the way that they choose to currently live their life.

hopepraylove

Have you gone to al anon? We can help

Catareta

I cannot get to Al-anon & the phone sessions not suitable.

Hawkeye13

Well, you could say you will not live in a house with drinking of any sort--
He isn't living with you now right?
He was just staying through detox?

Either way, I would say he needs to go back to his mother's and continue working on his sobriety.
He can choose to drink or not, but personally I would go No Contact for at least
a few months and allow him room to understand what his choice to drink has done
to damage his relationship to you, as well as what it is doing to him personally.

I don't think you should have to move as you are the paying for everything, correct?

Honestly Catereta, getting some space and objectivity and making him accountable for himself would be good for both of you.

If he doesn't want to go there, that's his problem.
His drinking is causing you problems, and that's reason enough
for you to reclaim your space.

I don't view that at controlling or an ultimatum.
You aren't willing to live with active alcoholism.

He can drink, just not while living with you.

FeelingGreat

Cat what do you want for yourself? You've got companionship for now, but you don't like him drinking. So it's a choice - can you put up with the drinking for the sake of having someone living with you, or is it not worth it any more?
It sounds like he's not ready to stop, having drunk so soon after the detox. It just takes a sip for some alcoholics before they're back drinking regularly.
If he's not going to stop drinking, then think about how you can become less lonely. Maybe you could have a boarder or companion to live with, or just get out for social events more often. I really don't think the solution lies with him.

hopepraylove

You could try online meetings, or watch speaker meetings via youtube or iphone/android apps. That's what I do when I can't hit a meeting...you'd be surprised how much it helps. I can send you some links if you're interested?