need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
need advice
well divorce is almost final - tomorrow(bitter sweet) mediation I would not do again but then I will not marry and divorce again.
STBXAH is in deep financially, with all the communication going between the lawyers and not us it is costly and I'm not going to be rich off this by no means.
We ask for him to pay attorney fees and I got most of it, however, I am feeling compassion for him and I am thinking of just taking on my lawyers fee and figuring out a way to pay it. I don't know how he is going to live, I know it is no longer my problem but when he was sober he was a good man and treated me well, sometimes too well. I want him to grow up, not be destroyed.
I know he has been a nightmare to live with these last couple of years but it was not always like that.
Lawyer says if he agreed to pay he should pay, yes and no. Like I said he is in deep.
We have been together a long time and I know him better than he knows himself he just never realized it.
Thoughts?
STBXAH is in deep financially, with all the communication going between the lawyers and not us it is costly and I'm not going to be rich off this by no means.
We ask for him to pay attorney fees and I got most of it, however, I am feeling compassion for him and I am thinking of just taking on my lawyers fee and figuring out a way to pay it. I don't know how he is going to live, I know it is no longer my problem but when he was sober he was a good man and treated me well, sometimes too well. I want him to grow up, not be destroyed.
I know he has been a nightmare to live with these last couple of years but it was not always like that.
Lawyer says if he agreed to pay he should pay, yes and no. Like I said he is in deep.
We have been together a long time and I know him better than he knows himself he just never realized it.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If he agreed to pay he should pay. I understand you feel the need to protect him from one last consequence, and ultimately it is your choice.
But he has treated you terribly and never with compassion these last several months. If all you want is to ease your conscience one last time nothing we say will convince you otherwise. If you think saving him from this payment will change him somehow, I'll just say that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
My advice is to let him go. If you have extra money, treat yourself or your kids to something nice with it.
But he has treated you terribly and never with compassion these last several months. If all you want is to ease your conscience one last time nothing we say will convince you otherwise. If you think saving him from this payment will change him somehow, I'll just say that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
My advice is to let him go. If you have extra money, treat yourself or your kids to something nice with it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cricket....I don't think what you are feeling for him is true compassion....more like co-dependency and misguided "guilt".
This is the reality....your taking on the extra amount to pay will backfire in your face....and, he won't care! He will continue to drink (and torture y ou thru the kids) and spiral down.
I have warned y ou several times that you will not get any credit or stars (even in heaven) for giving slack to a narcissistic personality.
The more you give...the more they will take...and bad mouth YOU for it!
He will not be i mproved by recieving the extra financial break---just you wait and see...lol. He will bellyache about his financial situation and how you took him to the cleaners!! And, he will spread that news to the entire world.
How do I know? I've been there!!
You are going to need that money for your kids. Keep it for the KIDS.
I have spoken to you, so often, for the need to grow a thick rhino skin....and this is an example of what I am talking about.
Why would your lawyer tell you to take it....and, whey would we, here on the forum, tell you to take it..? Because we care about YOU.
You say that he was a "good man" in years previously....and, maybe so....but, I ask you...."What were YOU during those same years?...Were you not a good wife and mother...were you chopped l iver?! You deserve it for those years as much...and, I think, more so than him.
Take the money...let the change begin now....
dandylion
This is the reality....your taking on the extra amount to pay will backfire in your face....and, he won't care! He will continue to drink (and torture y ou thru the kids) and spiral down.
I have warned y ou several times that you will not get any credit or stars (even in heaven) for giving slack to a narcissistic personality.
The more you give...the more they will take...and bad mouth YOU for it!
He will not be i mproved by recieving the extra financial break---just you wait and see...lol. He will bellyache about his financial situation and how you took him to the cleaners!! And, he will spread that news to the entire world.
How do I know? I've been there!!
You are going to need that money for your kids. Keep it for the KIDS.
I have spoken to you, so often, for the need to grow a thick rhino skin....and this is an example of what I am talking about.
Why would your lawyer tell you to take it....and, whey would we, here on the forum, tell you to take it..? Because we care about YOU.
You say that he was a "good man" in years previously....and, maybe so....but, I ask you...."What were YOU during those same years?...Were you not a good wife and mother...were you chopped l iver?! You deserve it for those years as much...and, I think, more so than him.
Take the money...let the change begin now....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What is “saving him” one last time from the consequences of his actions going to do for him besides make it a little more comfortable to continue to drink?
And what is “saving him” one last time going to do for you – resentment, anger and bitterness while you pay off his debt because he’s not going to be grateful or appreciate your efforts.
You are not dealing with who is was - you are dealing with who he is today.
And what is “saving him” one last time going to do for you – resentment, anger and bitterness while you pay off his debt because he’s not going to be grateful or appreciate your efforts.
You are not dealing with who is was - you are dealing with who he is today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Like I said he is in deep.
(((CRICKET)))
The end is sad. You both get to choose how it changes your life though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by cricket123 
This is why I posted this to help remind me how he treated me. Thank you all
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
We have been together a long time and I know him better than he knows himself he just never realized it.
Please be gentle with yourself with this type of thinking.
Neither of us can get inside another person's head, and actually ever know 100% for sure what another person is thinking.
Thinking it was my own wishful thinking that I believed/hoped he was thinking. And that got me in more than one mess.
As far as the lawyer fees go, if it's already agreed upon, why rock the boat ?
Please be gentle with yourself with this type of thinking.
Neither of us can get inside another person's head, and actually ever know 100% for sure what another person is thinking.
Thinking it was my own wishful thinking that I believed/hoped he was thinking. And that got me in more than one mess.
As far as the lawyer fees go, if it's already agreed upon, why rock the boat ?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Let him pay the attorney...
Am I right in saying that his actions have caused the divorce in the first place?
Be good to yourself.....
Good luck tomorrow!!! And never say never... You never know....
Big Hug for a hard day.
Ro
Am I right in saying that his actions have caused the divorce in the first place?
Be good to yourself.....
Good luck tomorrow!!! And never say never... You never know....
Big Hug for a hard day.
Ro
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