spedteach

Is it just me or does anyone else have trouble talking to the A in their life about anything?

I definitely have a hard time because the reactions range from: nothing to being mad. He cannot see anything from any other point of view.

he's not approachable often. He'd rather have his head stuck in the sand then know what's going on around him.

healthyagain

Sounds like a universally acknowledged truth. The time to talk is never right . . . simply because they do not want to address the issue. Mine would get angry with me so I would leave him alone. Kinda like a squid releasing ink, or perhaps an octopus, or whatever.

atalose

Many years ago I was home sick and lying on the couch watching all the daytime shows. Dr. Phil had a show about alcoholism and alcohol soaked brains. He said that the loved ones attempt to try and talk to the alcoholic when they have not consumed any alcohol yet that day. The problem is you are still attempting to talk to an alcohol soaked brain. A brain that is not functioning normally yet the loved ones are expecting normal conversation.

It was a light bulb moment for me!!!!

spedteach

Well, mines been sober for almost 10 months now...is his brain still alcohol soaked? LOL but in all seriousness, I think he's just very hard to talk to about anything and he will always say that everyone else (usually me) is the one whose very hard to talk to. Family members do not even try to talk to him because he is that hard to talk with about serious issues.

atalose

I heard this in an alanon meeting once……….if he wasn’t a piano player before he got sober then don’t expect him to be one now.

Sounds like he’s always been difficult to talk with so maybe the alcohol wasn’t that driving force with that.

Wheresmyunicorn

Ugh! I could have written this - you are so not alone lol! If I misjudge whether (or how much) he's drinking ... and I really try not to pay attention unless I am trying to approach him about something ... I can expect one of 3 responses: (1) angry and over the top, which he sometimes later denies; (2) "whatever"; and (3) [the worst option in my opinion] we reach an agreement or I get "whatever" and I move forward, then he gets angry because he "never [said that/agreed to that]".

Drives me nuts!

Katchie

My stbx is pleasant enough - for now- but many times when I ask him a question he answers in a way that has nothing to do with the question. I wonder if he understands what I'm saying, is he that brain damaged, or is he just trying to drive me nuts!?!

Missus

I find myself "picking my time" as well, which can be tricky - I get home from work around 4 or 5, and have to time any important conversations to happen before 6 when things start to go downhill

AnvilheadII

was there ever a time when you two could communicate effectively?

i know how to ice skate but i've never done a triple lutz. so i shouldn't expect to just lace up the skates, hit the ice, and fling myself into air and have that resemble anything remotely close to a skating maneuver. i have no training, no skill, no practice and i'm not even sure what differentiates a lutz from a salchow.

communication is an art form. for years, during his drinking career, he learned to tune you out.....whether you intended to or not, pretty much what he heard was "do this, do that, change, get with the program, why can't you just quit? wah wah wah" - and today that is probably still pretty much what he "hears".

you can certainly work on HOW you approach him, WHAT you say - using "I" statements instead of "you" statements, you can learn to speak from a place of love - or at least tolerance. you can share with him how you FEEL when certain things happen. but you can't make him LISTEN.....you can't MAKE him hear you. he may not be willing. he may not have the necessary skills and empathy to truly hear what another person is SAYING.

PrinMel

That was one of the signs I noticed when ABF started drinking again after 3 months sober. He appreciated everything I did for him and the kids when he was sober and was nice and active and playful, and then all of sudden he's losing his temper easily, he's picking fights and he's refering to me as "the *******". So I could easily notice that something was up.

If your partner was still a little moody even after being sober for a bit, it's probably just in his personality, which i guess would be a good thing in this case?

hexx

OMG, I could have wrote that. I often said that we didn't have good days, we had good hours. That tiny window was about all I had as well to get any kind of coherent response.

After awhile, I just stopped talking about my day or asking anything. It was just easier all the way around.

FeelingGreat

I tried to talk to my A sister several times but she just blocked it out. She was so committed to drinking that she couldn't absorb anything else. This was after both her young sons had moved to their father's because she was drinking. You'd think that would be a wake-up, but she kept going even when her sons were visiting.

amy55

My ex once told me that if I was upset or wanted to talk, that just "made him mad". Didn't matter drinking or not. I was not allowed to be upset, or to have an opinion or a view. Even if these did agree with what he was thinking, it just gave him ammo to go off on me.

amy

maybear

My husband always had his head in the sand. He still does even though he has apparently been sober for quite some time.

He shies away from communication to such an extent that I don't hear from him for long periods of time. Even when we were together, if we had a fight he would happily go days giving the silent treatment.

I think communication in a relationship represents taking responsibility for a problem and one's actions, alcoholics don't have the capacity to take on that responsibility so they just avoid.

DoubleDragons

When my AM is even lightly drinking I feel like she talks at me, not absorbing anything that I say, if fact, I feel that way a lot with her even at times that she is not drinking.

She used to be someone I could talk deeply and meaningfully with, but now I just talk to her in a friendly neighbor fashion. Nice and surfacey.

Hangnbyathread

Title of anyone else could be "Everyone" else.

spedteach

Your last sentence is DEAD on....

My husband has 10 months "sober" under his belt, but his behavior certainly hasn't changed. In fact, in the early years of our relationship, he was completely able to communicate. We'd talk for hours and hours about things. It's just gotten much worse in the last 5-10 years. He shuts down, gives the silent treatment and basically he's always right.

I know some of you have said maybe that's how he is...but I have to say it's not. He USED to be a great listener, a great communicator and willing to meet people half way. He's changed...

Lilro

Ugh!!! What's the point in talking? They only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Pebbles2012

This is one of the main issues I have with my AW. Her attitude towards communication is that you are "attacking" her when you bring up anything that she's doing. There was never a perfect time or right way to go about it. She would turn it around back on me. She personalized almost everything. I recently got my niece a nice Bday gift and when I showed my wife she instantly said she was a bad aunt because she just gave her cash. Seriously????

LemonGirl

OH, with my mother, yes!!!!
Her views are always so argumentative and negative anymore... It is soooo hard to just have a normal conversation, mostly when she has had a few beers though.
Not only can I not talk to her about normal every day things, but conversations get weird too.

I try to avoid all that as much as possible!