Choices
 

I am trying to be strong..............I am trying to get better...........I loose focus...........

I had again a very hard day..........

I went to alanon lastnight...............It just feels good to be able to talk to people who understand right where i am at..........

this is a struggle.........each day.......

My husband is talking about leaving me.........how he hates me and everyone in my home...........I spent most of my day listening to how unhappy he is.....I left the room and he would follow me.........I tried to leave and he wouldnt let me............after spending the day belittleling me..........he somehow is at peace with himself.........got through another day without drinking........and I am here..........trying to pick up the pieces of complete heartbrake from todays events......................it is really hard to not let what he says bother me..........I try to reverse it and it work for a little while............where is my bottom.............where is my dignity..........where is my self esteem.............I am so tired.........mentally...............I am hanging on to knowing that my kids need me...............he says he has had it with my oldest child.........not helping around the house and that was his main focus today..........to thank god only to me while she was gone for the day.........say every bad thing that he possible could..............and this just tears me apart..................I dont have the strength to argue anymore..........I just listened..........and cried..................I want to stop the tears.................I want to stop the heartache.........I am trying so hard to get my life together and learn how I can trust in God to please come to some kind of resolution..............I know that in my heart I want to trust in God.........but I am afraid............I have never been able to trust anyone.......I know there is a God........and I am making the motions of going to church.........I even was baptized a couple of weeks ago.........but I am having a hard time with giving everything to him.............

Deep down I have this warped sense of feeling that things will change.......but I know in reality this is what I have............and I have to make choices...........I am not good at making choices.........but you either learn to accept things the way they are.........or you take a stand and when you take a stand you have to make choices...........I am scared of making choices................I am scared of being alone................one more person in my life......that is going to go away..........everyone always goes away......

I feel for you and I understand your pain. Choices are hard to make yes....ask your HP for guidance and it will be provided. Anyway you look at it ...its not easy but your HP will guide you and help you through the tough times. The strength that you have shown is increadable....Hang in there you are not alone.

Gracey -

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. Something that helped me to make a decision about my marriage was to go back and read all of my posts. It helps to put things into perspective. Is this the way that you want to live? How is this affecting your children? The best interests of your kids should come first. You sound so unhappy. Is there realistically anything that you can do to make things better? If you tell him to leave you might find that instead of feeling alone that you will feel a sense of peace. You might even look forward to coming home at night! Only you can decide what is best for you and the kids but I would take peacefulness over being demoralized constantly any day.

Hugs, Jo

I tried to get a sponsor lastnight..........they dont have a listing at the meeting I go to on Friday nights.........I am going to try to go to another meeting on sunday, I am hoping to have luck there......

I am very unhappy, and I am depressed.......he is upstairs at peace..........how can he be..............but i am only doing what I know right now and I am thankful, he is leaving me alone........he came down here a couple of times to see what I was doing............he kissed me and said he was sorry.............that is just not enough......a whole day of making me feel so inadequate.........he wants to keep me down..........he wants me to be as sick as he is.........if I am not already......

I am not going to let him drag me through the bottom of hell.............anymore.......coming here and just being able to express myself does help......I am not giving up on myself...........I know that I have to somehow find the strength to continue on this journey no matter where it takes me............

I need a friend..........I need a hug.............I need to be loved.........I need someone to care........I need someone to lift me up..........and make me feel like I am worth something............

jojo. That's an excelent idea about rereading the old posts.

Gracey, for me it was scarey too. That is where the courage comes in.
Oh Gracy I send hugs yourway. It takes a great deal of courage to stay, and it takes a great deal of courage to find a new path. I know it is even more challenging when you are thinking of your kid's lives.

I found this in a little blue book we aren't supposed to quote but hey this is from memory.... it goes something like...um
"Prayers for courage and guidance never go unanswered, however we must be ready to act on that guidance."

:hug:
Sometimes those things are not found in our S.O.'s.
Do you have a blue ODAT daily reader, or Courage to Change reader?

No I dont have courage to change...........I see them with that book at the meeting I attend..........I find myself broke 99% of the time...........I am trying to get out to a meeting once a week and I need more I realize that...........my AH gives me such a hard time about going on Friday nights.........but I go anyway.........I am afraid to ask for more then that........but I know I need to ..........I am going to find the courage tomorrow and throw it past him about going Sunday night.........I really need a sponsor and I am looking for one............I need someone to put my head on straight when I am in the midst of Chaos..........

I am starting to feel a little better, thank you so much my friends at sober recovery.........I am so thankful I have this site to go to............

((gracey))

Oh hun here is a big hug for you. I know how you must feel I went through alot of that with my ex-husband. When I finally figured out that I was better off without him and I left it was like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I also had to see that my kids although they loved him very much was better off with us no longer living together. It was hard on them at first they missed him as he did a suden turn around and started being nice to me as an all out effort to keep me but by that time he had killed everything I could feel for him I was sooo miserable just being with him and it got to the point that the thought of him touching me made my skin crawl. When the nicenest did not work he tried the guilt trip , and then got mad. Now he is remarried separtely we get along much better I feel sorry for his current wife but I think being sent to the school of hard knock taught him a lesson or two. My ex used to emotionally beat the crap out of me everyday he would call me every name he could think of except a child of God. He would always critisize my family naming them off one by one and why they were so screwed up. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells and then when he was done same thing he would want to kiss me and say he's sorry. I took that for 7 and a half years. I had lost so much of myself that I did not even know who I was anymore I felt stupid like I could not do anything right but I had to do everything. I warned him time and time agian that he was going to keep pushing me untill he would kill my feelings for him and he did not believe me. He thought that I would just keep taking it for the rest of my life. Well I am going on and on. You are not alone . Here's another hug I feel for you because I know just how bad mental abuse can tear you apart. Keep leaning on God and he will give you the strength to carry you through these hard times.
Rose

Gracey....he's making you miserable. Let him go. Find peace with yourself. You really can love and hug yourself. Believe in yourself. You can do it.

I don't like being alone either. And I fight daily with not getting down about it. But I just keep remembering those days...I went thru those too.....FIVE hours of hell as I was threatened about making problems for me at work, calling my boss, threatening some male friend he thought I was having an affiar with, and telling me all the things wrong with MY children ( the whole time one of his is locked up injail and the otehr one dropped out of HS and thinks she is pregnant).

Keeping you down is exactly what he is trying to do. Someone once told me love is a candle and if you p*ss on it enough the flame goes out. KJust waht REdrose was talking about. Happened to me too. I let my ASO go. It about killed me as I really thought this would be it. I didn't want to have to start over AGAIN. I miss him a LOT. But boy am I glad he is gone.

(((gracey))) - we all love you and want to see you feel better about yourself - keep doing for yourself - it's hard!!!!

cwohio

((Gracey))
Don't give up. You will get through this. Get some literature at your meeting if you can. When things are haywire at my house, I find a lot of comfort and serenity in the literature. I get pumped up at meetings, but that is an hour, and I can't always hold on to that feeling until the next meeting. The literature is there 24/7. Keep trying. You are struggling, but you do have some growth. We all stumble. Sometimes I fall flat on my face. But the important thing is to get back up and keep trying. Hugs, Magic

I have a cute story about my ODAT (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon) book.
I was driving home from work, sitting at the turn signal to turn left through heavy traffic, and a voice inside my head said "go to the bookworm". The bookworm is a used bookstore. I'm thinking... as I wait for traffic... get out-a-my-head I am not making two more left turns, then go through the grocery store parking lot to turn around and go to the bookworm. AGHHHH I gave in. When I finally got there, I looked on the shelf quickly as they would be closed in a few minutes. There it was. My little blue book. Turns out they had a used ODAT on the shelf for $3.00! Wow! Glad I listened.

((gracey))

((noifs))
You just gave me a light bulb moment. I never thought about the used book store for literature. That is a GREAT idea! Thanks!

I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement...........I had a better day today. My AH has been apologetic today......the little bit that I have seen him......he was upstairs playing video games most of the day........only breaking to go to church....he is back at it again........I didnt do much today.......made broccoli omlets this morning and watched tv.....I went to church with my family.......it took everything I had to go..........my h actually encouraged me to go.........once there I am glad I did............I am thankful for a well needed peaceful day..............and tomorrow I am going to concentrate on cleaning before going back to work on Tuesday..

One chore and one day to a time..............

Thank you for the used book idea..........I am going to look into that.......

Gracey, I have to wonder if you are changing? I mean, you seem to be standing up for yourself a little bit and trying not to be so enabling ...... could he perhaps be feeling the heat of you being a changed woman which caused this mean spirited reaction in him?

Don't sell yourself so short Gracey ....... perhaps he is noticing the difference and is reaching for anything that he "knows" in the past controlled you. Be strong, continue to move forward with your life.

If he leaves he leaves, if he hates you, then so be it! For him to tell you that he "hates" you and "follows you from room to room" sounds just like my 4 year old son having a temper tantrum and following me around to make sure I know about it!

Sheesh, put this in perspective and DO NOT LET HIM make you feel bad or depressed. He sounds as if he is still drinking. He may be sober, but he by no means is living a life of sobriety. Tell him to Grow Up and Get Out!

Gracey,

Here is a thought for today that was sent to me from the Hazelden website -

Yesterday is over.

It is a fact of life that what is old dies to make way for what is new. Endings are often painful - we mourn the death of a relationship, we regret leaving a familiar neighborhood, we don't like to say good-bye.

Endings, though, give us the chance to begin again. A new friend comes in to fill the empty space left when an old friend moves away. A new school, a new job, a new season of the year - these are fresh starts that evolve from what has gone before.

We need not fear the inevitable endings in our lives. Daily, we are renewed. Our bodies produce new cells continually. When we are going through an ending, we may not be able to see the new beginning that lies beyond, but we can trust it will be there for us when we are ready. We can welcome the new opportunities that each day brings and consider them gifts from the Higher Power that is with us to guide us through each end and each beginning.

I will let yesterday end so that today can begin.