thotful

What I find interesting is that I was afraid of the emptiness - of being alone. So I tolerated some atrocious behaviors from my some of my siblings. And when I put the foot down and said no more or you're out, I now had an empty space (they refused to compromise, talk about it, etc). I had other family members follow the same direction. PUt all of the bad stuff under the rug. Try to invite me to BIG family get-togethers and completely ignore how I felt about how I was being treated.

even though I really felt in my gut that it was the right thing to do (cut off some of my siblings), there was still a nawing emptiness. Wasn't I without a trouble in the world before this? wasn't I happy before? but then I am reminded of their behavior and how uncomfortable I feel with it. That I didn't have the support that I needed and still need.

That emptiness I think is probably me experiencing loss. That I'm experiencing grief. And they don't seem to be at all. Truth is - they hide away their feelings not only from the world but from themselves as well. Losing loved ones due to estrangement/separation/cut-off/whatever will probably always feel like a part of my heart has been ripped out. Like I've had a violent reaction to pulling out poison. Or maybe it's like taking medicine that tastes TERRIBLE in order to heal something. That I have to rip away from my FOO. and it is PAINFUL. Absolutely, positively, painful. No doubt about that. I will not hide that pain. Nope. I look at it right it in the eye and try to sit with it. No running. No hiding.

Fascinating thing is that as I'm feeling alone because
1. I isolated myself from many people to focus WAYY too much attention on my siblings & parents
2. therefore, without them - I thought, who will be there for me?

That thing that really hurt? That emptiness. What am I going to do now?

Slowly...and YES slowly...I found that I FILLED that space!

This time, what filled that space was something much better for me. Maybe it's the higher power at work. Maybe it's me taking charge of my life and living better. Maybe it's all of it.

I call my old friend from high school - we lost touch

I call another friend from wayy back that we lost touch

I started as a beginner of steel pan (wanted to try it) - loved it!

I began to do volunteer work

I went to an english country dance group with my wife

I found that even though the emptiness was painful. I WOULD NOT be where I am today, If I didn't create the empty space. I was too busy focused on my FOO to put my energy into my own life.
Once that space was there...and oh was it scary. I found that there was SUPPORT around me. ALL OVER the place. I just needed to work for it. I needed to let other people in. I needed to call that old friend I hadn't heard from in years, because I neglected that friendship.

That empty space I felt, bloomed to a NEW LIFE for me.

I still feel scared sometimes. As I raise my daughter, I wonder - Who? will be a part of this life I've made for me. Maybe...the trick is to accept that the "who" part won't be up to me. It will be up to the friend, the co-worker, the sibling, the parent - if they want to be a part of my life. And my job is to accept the love and support I get from people who choose to be a part of my life, accept the lack of engagement in my life from some of my FOO, and accept the FAMILY that I DO have around me.

Still working. Still trying. But appreciating progress.

LemonGirl

Family isn't always blood! I've had to learn that over the years.