Need Some Help
 

Hi, I'm new here. I'm married to an alcoholic. My husband and I have been married 9 yrs, together 11. For the first 9 years he was the most wonderful, kind man. The last 2 have been a living hell. We have gone through a lot together. I lost both parents, had a brain hemmorage a few yrs ago, and his mother's health is failing.
He has always drunk, but now he hides his bottle, and drinks, I think to live. He is very verbally abusive to me. It used to be only a few days a week, but now it's nightly.
It seems like he becomes a different person, almost a switch was turned on. I'm finding now he isn't rembering what he has said to me and is calling me a liar. He doesn't want to quit. I asked him and he stated no. He told me you knew I drank when you married me.
I am not a young woman, and love my husband. My heart is breaking. I had no control over what happened to my body. He is making a conscious choice to abuse himself. Not one day goes by that I don't wish to have my old body back. This is my first step, hoping to find some help and support in this forum. Every story I've read could be my story. Thank you

Hi, and welcome. I don't think your husband is "making a conscious choice to abuse himself." Alcoholics have lost the ability to control their drinking, and their thinking becomes very warped in the process. Nobody "chooses" to be an alcoholic.

I hope you will find an Al-Anon meeting and stick around this forum. We all understand what it's like, and you can learn some ways to make your own life better, and get your head clear so you can decide how you want the rest of your life to look.

Alcoholism is progressive, as you've already observed, and unless and until he is ready to quit drinking--something that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon--it will continue to progress.

Welcome!

He may not be ready to quit drinking, but that doesn't mean you can't find some support for yourself. I just joined this website yesterday and already feel more hopeful about my future.

I say, congrats on this first step, and maybe you could consider attending your local Al-Anon group. I wish I had gone to Al-Anon to deal with what was happening with my mother.

Again, welcome and congratulations. Best of luck to you and your husband!

Thank you
 

For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel so alone. I want the best for him, but it's hard to be kind when you're constantly belittled. I will find a meeting. I actually was afraid to even come on this forum, because it validates that all of this is real. Again thank you

Their denial and ours are not so far apart, unfortunately. It IS real - it's miserable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

BUT

By coming here, learning more abut yourself, taking care of yourself and getting some support for YOU is going to change your life forever in amazing ways. (((HUGS))) Welcome!

Nice to hear from you
 

Thank you for your support. I'm not sure I'm real hopeful. I have felt very alone lately. We always did everything together. I now have only to look forward to his nightly yelling at me. He blames it on that I've changed because of my brain hemmorage. Yes, I've changed. I'm older and wiser I did loose the vision in my right eye, but ok otherwise. I have a very high stress job. I have always been the bread earner. He used to be the kindest gentle man, and so thoughtful. No more. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to forget what he has said to me, and about me to his family and friends. I have forgiven him, since I know it's the disease. How do you make someone understand how each day we live is a gift, not to be abused. Thank you for listening. It does help

Forgiving is one thing, but you don't have to take verbal abuse. One other suggestion I have is to contact your local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and talk with an advocate. Verbal abuse is still abuse. Depending on where you live, you might be eligible for a protective order. Even if you aren't, the advocate can help with a referral for counseling or other services that might help. It's completely confidential.

I've worked in the DV field for a very long time and I've had victims of physical abuse tell me that the verbal abuse was actually harder to live with, and to recover from.