Just for fun- My kind of guy.
 

One of the birthday funnies I got was a series of pictures of Chippendale wannabes and finally... some that could actually get the job. It was funny, but it just made me start thinking about how that sort of thing has never really inspired me. Actually the idea of watching a male dance revue like that kind of makes me queezy. My first huge crush (which lasted on and off from kindergarten through 9th grade when he moved out west) as on a guy who was short, skinny and had a vague resemblence to Stewart Little. But gee was he smart. And I reflected that most of my crushes in school were on the brainiacs. Them and a kid named Joey who was vague and lost and couldn't seem to get all his work done and showed up bruised a lot. He said he walked into doors. Nobody had any trouble believing him because he seemed so vague and lost. But that's a digression. It wasn't until college that I started falling for the arty guys. Two were gay. Both were smart and talented but one was smart and pretty. Then I saw Dino. Onstage in a classroom performance. I was thunderstruck. I didn't know I was thunderstruck. It was not "ooh, hubba hubba". It was that incredible energy. Mental energy. You could see his mind working so intensely through that performance that there were almost sparks. I remember thinking it would be great to work with him... but scarey to know him. There just seemed to be too much of him. He didn't stay in school very long, and I was involved with someone else who was not a brainiac or intense, but just kind of sweet and lost. Besides, to me, Dino was simply out of my league. We were respectful friends, and close in a distant sort of way. But he stayed on my mind forever after. Not in passionate longing. Just interest. There was also a guy around a little before this time named Kevin who had a crush on me. He was tall. Cute. Took 21 hours and 5 majors and laughed a lot. But I was all hung up on one of the gay guys and was friendly with Kev but didn't take him seriously. What the hell was wrong with me???? Talk about my type. I tried to find him on the web just now and there are about 50 million people with his name but I found one has about 6 degrees and more books and I bet that's him. No picture. Drat.

Dino is smart. But I didn't get involved closely with him until he was also lost. So it seems I could worship the brain, but not ever get close unless there was something also seriously askew. I think part of that was just insecurity. I know I always thought those guys who were so smart would be too smart to be interested in me. Except Kevin. And maybe I just thought he would wise up and and not be interested soon too.

I have noted before, that every major relationship I have had has been with someone that I thought was inaccessible for one reason or another. I got close to them because it was safe to, and then boom. The inaccessibility factor was gone and I was in too deep. Except Dino who just landed on my doorstep like a lost puppy.

So... I like 'em smart and inaccessible. I'll let 'em close if they're pitiful. Smart and pitiful is the kicker. LOL

Tell us about your kind of guy/gal!

My H was the only serious boyfriend I ever had. I fell for him because he was John Wayne. No gray area with him - everything was black and white - right or wrong. He'd go to his death defending what he believed was right - no matter what anyone else thought.

He was a man of few words but I knew that he loved me. He would tell me that I was "his world". He would be my protector. He was strong and I felt safe with him. I could never imagine a scenerio where he would allow me to be hurt in any way.

We both grew up in Codieville USA - a small town in the midwest. Every woman I knew took care of her husband. That was the way it was supposed to be. Even today, when I go back there, it amazes me. The women will tell their husbands when to eat, what to wear and if they are sleepy or not. It's amazing. It's all I ever knew. Women were in charge - men were to be cared for like children. The men seemed to love it.

The changes in my H were subtle and came over a long period of time. It amazes me that the very reasons I fell for him - his morals and his quiet sense of self - are the very things that are missing now. Or maybe, it was my projection of what I wanted him to be. I don't know.

Maybe I knew that he was needy. It didn't seem like he was at the time. He's a good man with a serious problem. While he's always been somewhat self-centered, I just thought that was a male trait. I would have never imagined the lengths that self-centeredness would take him.
L

Wow, good one Smoke!

Hope I can jump over to this side of the fence.

Gee, for me, I have many preferances. Some of them I got with hubby, some I still hope for. But his ability like Lorelai, to treat me well, let me know at the young age of 15 I was his world, we were the only two in the universe is what kept me coming back for more.

His boyish sense of humor, which is one endearing quality that some day's can be quite annoying, given I'm a prude, is one that attracted me. He too was somewhat lost coming from a dysfunctional home, and I wanted to rescue him as well. He's very talented in many areas. He has this ability to let things roll off him, nothing bothers him most of the time, and nothing is extreme in dealing with life. Coming from my family of devout Catholics, this was huge for me. I like a diverse individual, though, I'm pretty much simplistic.

When younger, and sometimes now, I see a very sensitive side. The fact that he doesn't display emotions easily and has a hard time being "mushy" has digressed, as we've aged. But I know it's there, it rarely comes out, and when it does, I couldn't be more in love, and my "rescue" instincts from long ago, alway's kick in.

Now, almost 25 years later, I've had the privledge to watch this boy grow into a man that I know I could never be without. His, patience, his trust, and his love is paramount above any relationship I've ever endured. Given, he's the one married to an alcoholic, I'm grateful, that most of the qualities, that attracted me to him still remain.

So, senstive, lost, the ability to make me feel important, a very laid back personality is what I find attractive. This seems to be true for the couple of boyfriends I did have in college (while we were broke up *LOL*), except one, who didn't have the ability to make me feel significant, and that ended quickly.

As much as I enjoy the hunky eye candy, there's only one that holds the key to my heart on good day's and bad and on the bad day's I just hide the key in my bra!

:8a: My kinda of guy has to be very intelegent,moody creative,able to fix anything,like the same foods able to cook better than I can(no easy feat),has to have many unresolved issues,addicted,with some phyiscal injury that can't be completely cured and must also have at least a BS degree.... I have my dream guy.....

See! I KNEW it! I KNEW IT!!!

(she wants me...) :tongue1:

:boogy

:smlove2:

is this our dream guy we are describing...who we are involved with currently....or who we typically get invovled with?? I can't tell. But I'll give it a shot.

Past guys: i was into the chase...so, macho and unavailable guys is who I went after. Someone everyone else wanted or someone that my mother disapproved of. A "bad" boy I guess. Strange or not so strange, considering I was the "perfect" child. So when my ex asked me to marry him I said yes even tho my heart said no. He was the only "normal" guy I had ever dated. He was the only stable one. So I figured this was as good as it would get. Better say yes to this one before I say yes to someone like those past bad-boy losers I had been dating.

My ex: I didn't realize he was a control freak. Critical to the nth degree. My self esteem plummeted. He also was cold as the arctic. SEx life sucked. No intimacy. Actually all my friends and family think he is gay and is living a hidden life. That would explain a LOT. So, see I did choose a totally dysfunctional guy after all. MAN is my radar good!!

My latest relationship: (first real one after divorce) ok now we are on to alcoholics. Oh, good. He is a bad boy without a doubt. Cusses, smokes, drinks. Macho as heck. Good looking. Funny (when he isn't drunk and repeating the same story over and over). Fun to be with. Loving. VERY available intimately. I have realized it is important to me to hug, kiss, hold hands, make love. I am craving intimacy in a relationship. But he was so insecure, jealous, paranoid even. And again........he attempted to be controlling.

SO........alone again. Gonna stay that way until I figure this out. Gonna stay alone until my self esteem rises up and gain confidence back and figure out how to be attracted to and attractive to healthier individuals. Don't want to save anyone else.

Wow great topic. My problem (before my husband and I got serious) was always that I had no idea what I liked. Before Mr. sweeks I don't think I did like anything in particular. I just liked anyone that liked me *rollseyes* glad I learned my lesson on that one early.

I have "my kinda guy" strangely enough. It took us 20 years to figure it out :love: but finally we did. We've known each other since high school, dated when we were 14 years old. Silly kid stuff, sneaking into each other's houses, walking home from school together. He moved on, I moved on, we we're really young. I never, ever forgot about him, though. I remember the last time I had seen him before he moved to North Carolina - he was already an addict (yet did I notice the giant neon sign saying "beware") and he looked so horribly thin, like he could break if you touched him. I spent about an hour in the bathroom at that particular friend's house, just crying over how horrible he looked. Then I didn't see him again until Thanksgiving 2 1/2 almost 3 years ago. He was home visiting family. His appearance had changed so much - he looked healthy, had a great big belly for the first time ever (my son calls him Big Daddy Budda when they're being silly). I didn't even recognize him. We hung out together that whole week, almost non-stop. Then he had to go back to North Carolina. About a month later, after talking 3 or 4 times a day on the phone to each other (Thank God for cell phones with free long distance and unlimited minutes after a certain time) he sent me a plane ticket. I came to North Carolina for a week. At the end of the week we blew off my return flight, and drove to Massachusetts, picked up my son, and drove back to North Carolina. I've been here with him ever since. He is an addict. He struggles with it every day, and most days he succeeds to struggle the next day. The struggling gets easier (a little bit) as time passes. But he is very special to me. He took on my son as his own, without hesitation, and became the best father I could ask for. He treats me like I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, gives me respect, and allows me room to be me without putting up any fuss. He takes care of us, one thing that never changed even during active addiction. He is intelligent, loving, sweet, big-hearted, and just absolutely wonderful. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve him, then I realize that I am just as good to him, and that we deserve each other. I know that both of us have a lot of work to do on ourselves, but we are not only learning how to help ourselves, but also learning how to support the other in what has to be done WITHOUT causing the other harm or harm to ourselves.
Trisha

I've been taking a hard look at this topic lately. I have only been serious with a few men but they all seem to have the same traits.

1. High School Boyfriend: Great personality, funny, and saracastic, just like me. We liked the same things and ran with the same crowd. He was overweight and had major self esteem problems. He was my first "project". We dated about from 9th grade to 11th grade. I broke up with him because he seemed to close me off emotionally.

2. My first love: We had a long distance love affair between Florida and Michigan. He joined the Army and we wrote every day. He bought me a promise ring and I said no when he asked me to marry him. We eventually broke up. It took me some time to get over him. He still pulls at my heart strings today. The big attraction? He was very unavailable. I always felt like I was never number one. The army and his family always came first but I begged for his attention and gave him all I had.

3.My current love: He is a recovered aloholic and has been sober 20 years. He is also 16 years older then me. He is the "bad boy" with his motorcycle and live at a whim attitude. He is very open with his emotions but we disagree on financial issues. I make a decent salary while he does not. I own a car and a home, he does not. An outsider would say he is taking advantage of me. As a matter of fact, my entire family has told me this!! However, he is very handy around the house, loves me very much, and his very sweet and caring. We have been together 5 years. I know this relationship is bad for me but I do not have the strength to tell him I can't be with him anymore.

4. My current crush: A married man. It is a long story why I have these feelings but I know it is unhealthy. I will not act on them and I know he also will not. It is just stupid and I feel like a fool.

As you can see, and as I have realized, I am attracted to unavailable men. Both physically and emotionally. I think I do this because I have low self esteem and feel like "my dream man" would never want to be with me. Love is my problem area and where I become the most frustrated as an ACOA.

Wow Smokie, cool topic!

I've been in love with and/or had major crushes on a series of unavailable men. They've all been attractive, nerdy, brainiac types. It started in kindergarten with my first love. He dumped me, but it took me until 5th grade to get over him. The next guy liked me but fell for someone else before anything serious happened. I didn't get over him until 10th grade. I fell for a drummer in the high school band after I found out he was interested in me. Once again, nothing serious came out of it but my crush lasted for years, till my junior year in college. I then hooked up with a depressed future alcoholic who already had a girlfriend. It truly sucks that in my first relationship, I was the "other woman". We dated for almost a year and it ended when I started dating my first boyfriend. We dated for 7 years and finally just broke up one day. I was his first girlfriend and from day one, I was basically waiting for him to dump me. It took 7 years but it did finally end. Then I met Jack. He fell for me right away, which seems to be my pattern with men. They fall for me first but by the time I catch on and show interest, the guy has lost interest. But Jack never did. He was ready to marry me 3 weeks after we met. I made us wait two years. I should have waited a lot longer...

Jack is the only one who hasn't lost interest. He says when he met me he knew he would love me forever and regularly tells me he's never going anywhere. But boy, it's tough dealing with his crack mistress.

In looking at the three serious relationships I've had, I have been the rescuer in every one. I helped these men graduate college (while letting my own grades slip), get jobs, and basically helped them get ahead in life. This isn't something I'm proud of, b/c I totally put them and their needs ahead of my own. Had I focused on doing as much for myself as I did for them, I'd be even further along in life.

I think if I could choose, my dream man would be the high school drummer. He was super smart, went to the Air Force Academy, ended up going to med school, and now he's a successful surgeon - all without my help!

(Hell, who am I kidding - he was extremely emotionally unavailable...:rolleyes2)

The quick answer is the last paragraph.



First crush. Oh my, it was puppy love. I saw him from across the football field and had to find out more. It was those darn orange parachute pants. How easily impressed I was with his pint and parachute pants. Nothing ever materialized. I saw him at the liquor store about four years ago. He was getting a pint for a road trip with his mom. WHEW –Escaped that one.

First high school love: His friend and my friend were seeing each other so we naturally just started seeing each other. Did we have any similarities… well no, other than pool, pot and fun behind closed doors. I was a sucker for his young Sylvester Stallone look. He went off to the Army after graduation.

That summer (1987) I met my in recovery, soon to be husband. I was friends with his sisters. He was in recovery- AA, OA, & SA. Don’t know why he never took me to a meeting. I was pretty ignorant on the whole 12 step thing then. ~~~~ Should have been in Al-Anon by now~~~~~ He stopped going to meetings. Didn’t drink, but the OA and SA addictions kicked in. I didn’t stay. Divorced 3 ½ years after I said I Do.

I decided to get myself together, get back to school and take care of me. (Figured that one out without Al-Anon.) Oh….but let me tell ya… it didn’t last.

Memorial Day Weekend, Sunday, what do I find? My Sylvester Stallone Eyed Sweetie, sleeping on my picnic bench. RED FLAG RED FLAG -- (Hindsight 20/20) I don’t have any where to go… and the chaos begins. I learned why my spoons were black on the underside, which drove me batty. I learned about coke and crank. I experienced the A. personality. I learned to buy cans, not bottles because they might break in the shower. I started to really wish I wouldn’t have had a picnic bench. He became engrossed in meth and I believed he was seeing someone else. I didn’t care if it was Methany or the hook-up gal, the outcome was the same. Our lives changed considerably, and I wasn’t willing to go along with it. One thing I do miss from that relationship is the fishing trips and campfires and his sister.

Enter the bartender… Sigh, The redneck charmer, cute, lively, brown hair and curls again. I liked the big truck with CB antennas that screamed adventure. I actually asked him out. I asked him to take me fishing. He was a fisherman, truck driver, antique collector, camper, hunter, and a pack-rat-yard-sale addict. We had enough stuff in our 2 bed room house to fill a mansion. It was never dull. He was a truck driver and had big dreams that he wanted me to be a part of. Never happened thanks to a series of DUI’s., then the back injury, the meds and meth once again. I stayed & I stayed, and became a walking zombie. I shut down emotionally, physically and verbally. Total denial. I can’t hear you it’s not happening, I am not responding. He actually had the Al-Anon 12x12. He read the opening out loud to me. But my mind was not open – I didn’t hear anything. My mouth said no, just get off the meth and it will be ok. It never would have been. By now I was in serious need of Al-Anon. The things I enjoyed about the jack-of-all-trades was his 1)love of God in his life. 2)camping 3)mountain trail walks 4)fishing 5)zest for life 6) publicly the same as private. We were together 6 ½ years.

Brown curly haired Irish Boy. The next addict is the one who brought me to Al-Anon through a counselor at an in treatment plan. Not 2 weeks after I broke up with the jack-of-all-trades, I took a trip to the beach for a special car show trip. I am not sure that we have so much in common as we communicate well, enjoyed each others company. Never moved in with each other, however we were nearly inseparable. I started going back to school and doing things for myself, and we slipped apart. Meth entered along with some questionable companions. After several relapses, I drew two boundaries that have changed my world for the better. I will not be around anyone using meth. & I will not let my house be a detox sleep center. – I haven’t ended it, I haven’t pursued it. I am just letting it sit. Guess I still have a little hope for a friendship to still be possible if he is clean. I know he will be back to pick up his guns (yes another redneck, gearhead.) and projection tv (which I am enjoying) someday.

Until then, I will take care of me and my needs everyday. I will figure out what my real likes and dislikes are and I will find out how to build happiness within my self, instead of relying on someone else to provide it for me. I have a lot of personal work ahead of me. It’s been two months since I spoke to him and I am really starting to feel a peace about my world.

So…. what kind of guy? ---- already happened in an AA Meeting. Brown hair, and curls, reaching for the candy dish…………. YIKES!!! I put the blinders on and didn’t look twice. Sat there convincing myself that he probably didn’t have a sponsor, probably hasn’t been sober for two days and probably has two wives and seven kids and unemployed. Not now is my kind of guy right now. But, he will probably have brown hair and curls, enjoy fishing, football and campfires. He might have an interest in antiques or antique vehicles.

It is a cool subject.....Hhmmm! I don't think I have had a particular type all along. I think it has changed through the years. I do know that I have gone for "the under dog" types....less popular guys, more than the "pretty boy" types. I have always found the rugged mountain man look to be pretty attracting for me as far as looks go.

But truely it is what's on the inside that has always stolen my heart. There's usually something I see or sense about a guy....his personality, kind of person he is in his thinking and actions. Sometimes it's something about a guys eyes that get me. You can tell alot about a person by their eyes and I am attracted to the eyes......you can't hide much in the eyes. Also, I love a guy that has a gental way about him....gental thoughts, touch, demeaner. I once had a thing with a guy that found pleasure in watching little birds sitting and flying through a chainlink fence. I know taht sounds funny, but it was just the simple pleasures that made him smile! He was an artist too, Smoke. I, too, seem to be drawn to that type of guy also. A few of my interests have been artists. OH and yes, one "boyfriend" out of my past is gay also. He wasn't sure about that when we were dating, but I kind of knew. Age has never really made a difference to me either. I have been involved with men quite a few years older than me. And NO it was/is not a father complex thing....(I have heard from others around me about this) lol. I have a great father and we are very close and don't need another one.....LOL.... It's just that once in a while I would meet someone that I just connected with and age never mattered at that point.

I'm sure there is more to the choices I have made where my interests are, but that's what I came up with for now. This is very interesting.

Ooh, timely subject for me...
My kinda guy..... is... not classically handsome. Tends to have a decidedly "feminine" side. I owe that to having be abused by a half brother -- manly men are not to be trusted so I lean towards effeminate (sp) guys. The ones that the manly men think might be gay.
Virtually all of them have been emotionally unavailable and in need of some sort of rescuing. Control freaks on some level. Addictive personalities (whether it's a relationsihp addiction or a substance addiction - I am consistent)
I'm drawn to these men before I even know them - like water seeking its own level, I am attracted to people whose issues tend to mirror my own. Being an ACoA I gravitate towards other ACoAs who are incredibly dysfunctional, or addicts in need of rescuing... it never fails!

My new prerequisites for a relationship? He MUST be a horse person. NO BOOZE, NO DRUGS and with a "new age" attitude. After that, we'll see.

Wow, great topic Smokie

What I look for or rather, looked for in men has evolved over the years and as I have been in recovery from drugs and alcohol. I am very sure that if I were to do it over and have the sense of self and the confidence I have today I would not have chose my husband as the one I would marry. Many times this fact makes me very sad but I think it is a huge life lesson and an indication of how far I have come in my sobriety.

I used to go for men just like my husband, really good looking and completely unavailable. They always love me a lot but are unable to show it or say it. They're there with me but not really. The relationships always satisfies the outside need for a boyfriend, cute, fun, sex, someone to go to the movies with. That's all I wanted and unfortunately, that's all I got.

If I were to look for a guy now, if I wasn't married....he would be compassionate toward others, empathic, passionate about causes which matter and someone who would want to talk into the night about what excites us about life or what angers us about it. Someone who focuses more on personal growth and fulfillment and isn't afraid to do the work to get there as opposed to someone who thinks up daily ways to de-focus off life.

I usually go for someone so stuck in his own issues that he is unavailable to be there for me and for life. I never needed anyone to have my back and I liked it that way. It would be nice to travel on a similar path with someone. i've learned that if I want to move forward and enjoy my life, it really slows you down when you are traveling that road with someone who keeps getting stuck in a puddle of sh!t. I find myself going to see what's holding him up only to find out that I fell in that puddle of sh!t right along with him.........and for some reason, I never see it coming :thinking:

Quick answer? I have always been the dumper and never the dumpee...which tells me one of two things. I pick guys who need me more than I need them or I refuse to commit.

Now for my perfect guy...he would be sensitive, well read, well dressed and fit. He would challenge me to experience life and would listen, really listen. Oh and would like to shop!!

Hugs,
JT

:yup: