Newbie, sad but not broken.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 20
Newbie, sad but not broken.
Hello all, need to write this down to get some clarity....husband has relapsed after approx 7 months of sobriety....he has used SR but refuses AA. I have been to an Al anon meeting once last year when I felt that things were out of control. since then I have separated our finances and have a mantra of 'I stand alone' Not as lonely as it sounds, it simply means I do not need to lean on anyone, I am strong and can support myself.
I have had plenty of counselling and support. I am even studying to become a counsellor, however this recent relapse has really taken me by surprise. I kidded myself that we had left this life behind us. I fell into a very comfortable sense of believing that he was on an upward recovery.
My husband isn't abusive or aggressive, but he is neglectful and pretty selfish with or without the drink, he is my best friend of 23 years and father to my 2 girls now 13 and 11. When drinking underneath the false jolly mood, He is sad and withdrawn, drinking in secret, sometimes driving under the influence. Though I have said if I am aware he is driving I will contact the police (guilt/control/shame)
I don't take it personally that he drinks but the loneliness when he detaches is tangible. It's like grieving someone who is right in front of you. I try to be supportive but boundaried and I am looking after myself and girls and having fun.
whenever I think I can't continue I take one look at him and see my lovely friend and all that he means to our children. So achingly sad. Tomorrow is another day, more hope, better detachment. More focus on me. it's hard work but I am already so much healthier than I was a year ago...
Thanks for the space to untangle. At least I know what I feel now...very sad but not broken.
I have had plenty of counselling and support. I am even studying to become a counsellor, however this recent relapse has really taken me by surprise. I kidded myself that we had left this life behind us. I fell into a very comfortable sense of believing that he was on an upward recovery.
My husband isn't abusive or aggressive, but he is neglectful and pretty selfish with or without the drink, he is my best friend of 23 years and father to my 2 girls now 13 and 11. When drinking underneath the false jolly mood, He is sad and withdrawn, drinking in secret, sometimes driving under the influence. Though I have said if I am aware he is driving I will contact the police (guilt/control/shame)
I don't take it personally that he drinks but the loneliness when he detaches is tangible. It's like grieving someone who is right in front of you. I try to be supportive but boundaried and I am looking after myself and girls and having fun.
whenever I think I can't continue I take one look at him and see my lovely friend and all that he means to our children. So achingly sad. Tomorrow is another day, more hope, better detachment. More focus on me. it's hard work but I am already so much healthier than I was a year ago...
Thanks for the space to untangle. At least I know what I feel now...very sad but not broken.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Hi Geewhiz,
Welcome to SR and congrats on being stronger - it sounds like you are going to need it. Maintain your boundries and make sure your girls are safe. Keep up with your counseling and your studies to be a counselor - that sounds great.
It is sad about the relapse but it is often difficult for someone to white knuckle it and not work a program. It is not your fault - remember that.
I am just beginning this journey myself (AH has been in recovery for a year, after 25+ of drinking), so I don't have much advice to offer. I can tell you that I have received a lot of help here, so keep posting.
Blue
Welcome to SR and congrats on being stronger - it sounds like you are going to need it. Maintain your boundries and make sure your girls are safe. Keep up with your counseling and your studies to be a counselor - that sounds great.
It is sad about the relapse but it is often difficult for someone to white knuckle it and not work a program. It is not your fault - remember that.
I am just beginning this journey myself (AH has been in recovery for a year, after 25+ of drinking), so I don't have much advice to offer. I can tell you that I have received a lot of help here, so keep posting.
Blue
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Gw- I am so sorry he relapsed. It is heart breaking for you, but I am sure worse for him as it is his battle. You have to remember to mind your side of the street.
They say on SR "That It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness."
I think you might benefit from some alanon meeting about detaching and boundaries. Thank goodness that you have taken care of yourself and your girls, because right now that is all you can count on. Keep reading and educating yourself. Hugs my friend!!!
They say on SR "That It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness."
I think you might benefit from some alanon meeting about detaching and boundaries. Thank goodness that you have taken care of yourself and your girls, because right now that is all you can count on. Keep reading and educating yourself. Hugs my friend!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
Posts: 20
"They say on SR "That It isn't my job to reward him for sobriety or punish him for drunkenness."
Thanks for this. This is so valuable, I have definitely been doing this in small ways, thinking I am showing support but actually dis empowering him and treating him like a child. I clearly have a lot to learn about my behaviours around his addiction and how unnecessary they are.
I think my new mantra needs to be 'do or do not......it won't make a blind bit of difference' apologies to Yoda from Star Wars for ruining a good line
Back to Al anon for me I think.
Thanks for this. This is so valuable, I have definitely been doing this in small ways, thinking I am showing support but actually dis empowering him and treating him like a child. I clearly have a lot to learn about my behaviours around his addiction and how unnecessary they are.
I think my new mantra needs to be 'do or do not......it won't make a blind bit of difference' apologies to Yoda from Star Wars for ruining a good line
Back to Al anon for me I think.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Newtown, CT USA
Posts: 58
GeeWiz - - I did all of the things you are saying your husband did while my wife and I were raising our two kids (now grown). I was selfish and unavailable and drove while drunk too - at times I could also be quite emotionally abusive to my wife. She and I are still together; I am very grateful to her that she stuck with me through all I put her through, but at the same time her mantra also is I stand alone, and I have now learned to be non-codependant in a very healthy way. I finally managed to stop drinking for 14 months through AA, but then relapsed again. I have now had over 2 1/2 years sober. Although AA did a lot for me, I have found other tools as well. I use AA occasionally now but focused mostly on SMART Recovery's online tools and forums to get back on my feet after my last relapse, and now rely on this forum - SoberRecovery - for daily support. I am deeply thankful for each new sober day I have, and I fully intend to be watchful for that nasty little "Addictive Voice" to arise again in my head at any time and try to convince me that I can have a drink. I will need to be watchful every day for the rest of my life, and I am comfortable with that. There is certainly hope for your husband - sometimes we alcoholics need to get yet another relapse under our belt before we can truly grow and move forward in our sobriety. I hope it is the same for your husband. In the mean time, your priority must be to take care of yourself and your kids. My thoughts are with you.
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