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Old 09-12-2015, 08:14 AM
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I am new here

I have not seen my alcoholic boyfriend for 3 months. I am distraught but he has continued to drink after my telling him I can no longer compete with his drinking. It is so hard to accept that he has chosen to continue drinking even if it means the end of our relationship. He sees himself as not having a problem. He binge drinks and can go for months without really drinking..but when he does drink he cannot stop and usually ends up getting beaten up or arrested. I've heard that he is due in court at present and faces a prison sentence but still apparently claims to have no problem. His mother always bails him out etc etc and he has many loyal but toxic friends. He is unable to work or plan or tell the truth. I have felt constantly confused and abandoned. This has gone on for nearly ten years and I cannot go on with it any more. I'm ashamed to say I got to the point where I felt violent and was risking my already shaky sanity by seeing him. But I miss him every minute of every day. I loved him so very, very much but am coming to the conclusion that he didnt/doesnt love me. It is incredibly painful, especially as I get no feedback/"closure" from him...it is as if I no longer exist. I have considered taking my own life because of the emotional pain and complete loneliness I feel without him...unfortunately I have suffered from depression most of my adult life which makes things worse and is really nothing to do with him. I told him this many times and have never blamed him but he has made my depression worse and appears not to care..I get this feeling from his family and friends too...they are always on his side and say he will never change (they give him no reason to change and accept all and enable his drinking). Luckily I see a counsellor and attend al anon meetings but I am nowhere near accepting that our relationship may be over and that he will take no part in seeing what has gone wrong with us (him seeing his part in it). It is as if I have been erased for not being able to cope with his drinking.
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Old 09-12-2015, 08:26 AM
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Hi sweetie..For starters, welcome, but I'm so very sorry for why you are here. I extend big hugs to you...you ARE stronger than you can imagine even though you don't feel as if you are.

I am happy to hear that you are seeing a counselor and attending Al-anon meetings; for how long have you been going to meetings and your counselor? Please, if you ever get to feeling so terribly low, I pray you call someone or a hotline to talk through it. Never let yourself get so low that you feel no hope. I will be praying for you.

I understand, as do all that are on this site, how abandonded, confused, unloved, etc., you feel. I was married 23 years and I'm at the tailend of my divorce. It is unimaginable, but you can put your life back together and find happiness -- it is possible! The same strength that has made it possible for you to endure years of living like that is the very same strength that will be there to help you heal.

Post often and read all of the "stickies" at the top of this forum. I am so glad you are here...giant hugs sweetie..you're going to be ok!
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Old 09-12-2015, 08:43 AM
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I am so very very sorry to hear of the pain and anguish that you are feeling. Please understand and believe that you are worthy and deserving of a happy, fulfilled life, whether or not your boyfriend can participate in that with you. Even if the depth of your depression tells you otherwise, please believe that you have value, great value, and that your life is worth living and will get better.

It concerns me that you have been thinking about suicide. Please call a suicide help line, or talk with friends and family before you take any action to hurt yourself. Deep depression warps our thinking, and you can get help right now if you need it to lift you out of that depression. Go to a medical doctor, someone who can prescribe appropriate medications, if your current counsellor cannot do that or does not understand the severity of your depression.

You have been with your boyfriend for 10 years now, a long time in a relationship that, while it had its wonderful moments, also dragged you into the despair of being a partner of an alcoholic.

Many of us have suffered from that, too, and came to believe that we were worthless and could not function without the person we loved. That is a result of living with someone whose alcoholism and addiction takes center stage in their life and eventually chokes the life out of their relationships.

It is all too easy, from my own experience, to equate the callousness and indifference that alcoholism breeds in the alcoholic's mind and actions, to meaning that because we are treated as if we were worthless, that we ARE worthless.

That is NOT TRUE. Over time, we, as victims of an alcoholic partner, diminish our own sense of self. For me, after 20 years with a then abusive alcoholic husband, I lost belief in myself and as time went on, I submerged my own sense of identity and believed more and more what he said: that I was worthless, that if I had been valuable, he would have treated me so, and that it was my fault that he reviled me and abandoned and hurt me.

That was not true. Now is the time for you to focus on YOU. Whether you love him or not, you have the right to put your own emotional and physical health at the very top of the list, and do what you need to do to survive, and then to thrive.

He cannot help you here. He is an alcoholic, and no matter how much he does love you or did love you or wants to love you, his addiction is his first master. Everyone and everything else is secondary. Alcoholism changes the chemistry of the alcoholic and the craving and then the physical demands of the body to have alcohol take over the alcoholic totally. They are not who they want to be, who they could be, or who we want them to be. As their alcoholism progesses, and it inevitably does unless they stop drinking, they will throw everything and everyone else under the bus to get the substance their body demands.

This is not your fault. The first thing that Alanon tells us is:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it.

Please seek help immediately for your depression, and believe in yourself. Coming to SoberRecovery was a lifesaver for me. I didn't understand how profoundly I had sunk into believing I was worthless until people here responded to my posts and gave me a realistic view of what I had been enduring and how it had affected me.

We'll do that for and with you, too. Now, over three years out of my marriage, I am happier and more fulfilled than I have ever been, and recently, I have found a partner who is a whole, loving, capable man, widowed after 34 years of a loving marriage.

There is a whole new life waiting for you out there. The healing is profound, sometimes difficult, but ultimately so worth while.

Come here often, read the posts, partake of the wisdom of people who have been where you are, gotten free, and are on the path to health. If you click on a SR (SoberRecovery) member's name, you will see a menu for prior threads that they have posted, and you can go way back and see where they started, read the counsel that others' gave them, and see their growth. This will prove to you that there is life and satisfaction and love and fulfillment beyond this poor desperately flawed alcoholic who has, perhaps without meaning to, devastated your life.

ShootingStar1
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:32 AM
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Hi Tracey, I'm sorry you feel so low at the moment but you should also feel hopeful about the future because you had the strength to end a relationship that was harming you. You might feel you did the wrong thing now, but there was no other alternative if you wanted to be happy. You made a good choice, he is continuing on slowly wrecking his life.

10 years is a long time together, and you can't expect to get over it quickly, but there are a few things you can do. You're already seeing a counsellor which is great. Are you trying to get out and see friends, or if you've left your social group behind, perhaps join an activity where you can meet new people? Have you talked to your doctor about treating your depression with medication, at least temporarily? That might be what you need to get you out of the current trough.

I know when you're in pain you want it to end right away, and it's sometimes hard to see how much progress you're making. One day your good choices and hard work will pay off and you may be surprised to realise that you're happy.
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:35 AM
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In answer Katchie I've been seeing counsellors on and off for about three years (my most recent one for nearly 5 months I think now..this one has helped me hold the no contact and the line that I love my boyfriend but cannot love his behaviour since he started drinking again three months ago. In the past I would have bombarded my boyfriend with texts and emails both angry, sad and despairing..which of course just made me feel worse and pushed him further away). I've been attending al anon on and off for about three years too and have attended weekly for the past 3 months (twice a week if I can). Thank you so for all your words Katchie and I also send you hugs for your divorce from your long marriage. Thank you Shootingstar. I have been to the doctor many times about my depression and received minimal help...it took many years to find a counselling service (I couldnt afford private full fee counselling and it is not offered on the nhs where I live), I have been on anti depressants a couple of times before..both times for at least six months. Yes they did lift my mood a little but definitely provided me no cure, I am hesitant to go back on meds as I really dont want to be medicated for ever...for me they really dont work but I will consider going back to see the doctor soon. I have attended a support group for people suffering mental illness on and off for years...it tends not to help much but does give distraction. I email the samaritans but the replies I get are very disappointing and often make me feel worse (that is just my experience). I have never called a help line as I find the telephone extremely difficult. I find it very difficult to reach out for help...that is probably why I suffer so. My alcoholic boyfriend was my main support for years (when he wasnt drinking he always cheered me up etc but on the whole I was always uneasy because I was waiting for the next time he would drink and therefore abandon and ignore me). Thank you for all your words..which I will read again. I of course cry when I read what you say to me..yes I think I have sunk to a level where I think myself worthless because I have been treated as if worthless (my boyfriend was never very verbally abusive...he would just ignore me really and he was never violent to me...I was the one who ended up hitting him...which had no effect on him and just destroyed my sense of self worth even more). Thank you for your replies. I want to get through this and to have a better life.
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Old 09-12-2015, 09:55 AM
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Thank you FeelingGreat in Australia. I find it very difficult to be with friends. My circle of friends has become smaller and smaller. There is no one i am in very regular contact with. I used to just enjoy seeing my boyfriend everyday to share food (we didnt live together..we couldnt because of his visitors and the chaos of his life..itd drive me crazy...we were vaguely planning on moving to his mother's home when she moved into sheltered housing...but I was very hesitant because I knew I'd be facing a life with an alcoholic despite the security of having a home...even though all I wanted was a home to share with someone I love...unfortunately the someone I love is an alcoholic). I find socialising very very difficult but I am in a small writing group and am about to start a course for people dealing with relationship breakdown. I am really not very good at the social side of life..I am very independant and often find too many people tiring and stressful. You are right though I should try to find an activity where I meet new people and I should see the doctor about maybe trying medication again because my grief is so constant and debilitating. By the way i try to go running everyday and have an allotment where I enjoy gardening but nothing seems to replace the companionship I had with my boyfriend. But I know it is early days and sitting wishing and waiting to hear from him does me no good at all. I would like to hear from him saying that he admits he has a problem but I dont think this is going to happen. It is so hard for me to accept.
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Old 09-12-2015, 10:21 AM
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Tracey, taking medication when you are in a deep depression can be helpful and it doesn't mean that you will need medication forever. It just gets you through the worst and out of the trough and into a better place. You might want to find a psychiatrist to prescribe it rather than a GP because they know the ins and outs of what works best.

If you like to garden, maybe you could find some groups of people near you who also like to do that and that might make it easier because you all will have a common interest. Or maybe cooking - if you garden, do you like to cook? Or if you like to write, a book group at a library or bookstore... Community helps a lot.

And I think measuring success in very small ways is important and helpful. Kind of give yourself "gold stars" each day when you do something, no matter how small, to turn this corner.
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Old 09-12-2015, 11:39 AM
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thank you for your suggestions, all so helpful. I am glad Shootingstar that you found a new partner and ended the relationship with your alcoholic. Yes they do make you feel worthless and it is easy to believe that that is the truth. I have come to believe many of the things he said to me: that I was high minded, anal, jealous/possessive etc etc I felt I was a nag, boring, unattractive and demanding. He made fun of any of the positive things I did for myself and made me feel stupid for trying any of the things I did for myself to improve my chances of finding work I'd enjoy and to keep myself healthy. Yet still I love him and think of him as my best friend. I just longed for a home to share with someone I loved but for him this was not a priority...his freedom and alcohol comes first..
I am so sad and lonely but I want to get through this and have a life.
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Old 09-13-2015, 05:04 AM
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tracey, just because you've given up on having your idealistic home and life with him (and they were only ever an illusion) doesn't mean you won't find it with someone else.
If this is your dream, then you leaving him is the only possible way of getting it, because it will NEVER happen while you cling onto him.
Your life seems well rounded, and if you can get through the depression through the temporary use of anti-depressents I bet that things will improve.
I am an introvert and I've suffered from depression my whole life so I know what I'm talking about
Have you considered buying your own place? That way you could have your refuge, and set it up to suit you. I'm a boring mother-type and I kept telling my daughter 'You'll never win the lottery, and Prince Charming will never come and rescue you'. In other words, if you want something done, do it yourself.
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Old 09-14-2015, 03:18 AM
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Thank you yes the home illusion is correct with alcoholic boyfriend..he will always choose the easiest route which supports his lifestyle..if his mother gives him her house he'll take it & itll be nothing about making a home. I rent my own place (with difficulty financially)..I cant afford to buy as is hard to get work which pays when I suffer so from depression..I guess my priority now is to treat the depression (which my alcoholic boyfriend has just been a bad distraction from).
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