Driving home tonight...
 

Was thinking about sharing everything that has happened lately ... And then realized y'all already know-same crap, different day. More blame, more threats, more lies (oh, the lies!), more of the same ol crap. And yet, after everything, everything, what happens tonight? About an hour ago a craving hit for decaf coffee (one of the things I turned to when I stopped drinking!)...so I loaded the girls up after having a movie night....headed to McDonald's for a decaf. As I'm driving home a wave of sadness washed over me....I longed to be pulling in to the driveway seeing my husband outside all sweaty and messy working on his old truck that he bought to fix up. Wished he was there, recovered, in truth...bc that's all I can handle-I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is-it's all that matters. Wanted it so badly that I cried after putting the girls to bed. He was a good solid person-and every so often I just really miss him-who he was. WAS. Can anyone explain this? Just part of grief? Damn I hate this disease, more than anything.

I think it is part of the grief. I feel this way sometimes as well. I miss the kind sweet person that my stbxah was before his addiction took over. Sometimes I think about the way things were in the very start of our relationship, the sweet things that he use to do for me. I just have to remember that that person is gone. It is nice to have the memory but that is all that it is at this point. It hurts and is one of the hardest things about all of this.

^^ yes, I'm not in denial...he is long gone. Whatever he was, he is no longer. That ship sailed a long time ago. Happy the girls and I are far away from his antics...but the memories are still there. They are just memories now, not reality. Reality these days is good...peaceful for us (although he tries his best to harrass and ruin that). Very random things hit at random times, ya know?! But God put me on this path so I don't go down the rabbit hole anymore-I feel it, cry, and move on with my day/night. It is what it is!

Oh forourgirls, I think it is part of the grieving process. It is not that our husbands are gone, but it somehow seems that our memories are polluted as well. I cannot look at my wedding pics anymore. Today I took them outside the picture frames, also husband's pics and put them all away, out of sight. I actually loved the idea of being married, I was so happy. The wedding was my day, only mine. But now that memory is tainted by the present. Or every single nice moment I had in that marriage, simply gone, as someone took it away from me. I took my wedding ring off, for the first time after 9 years. I feel naked. My thumb automatically keeps touching the spot where the ring was.

I keep asking, why? Were my expectations that great? Was he really in such a bad condition and I was in such a denial? The answer is, yes. But after moments of weakness, we move on.

This too shall pass.

(Huggs)

^^ i understand. I am still able to look at the wedding pictures and feel the joy I felt....but also see the denial I was in. I think we all do that to some degree-everyone has issues that we hope they work on and be honest about if/when they affect the marriage. He didnt. That's ok. My plan was for him to figure it out-Gods plan was different.

Before my mother became embroiled in her alcoholism, she often was mean, judgmental, haughty and controlling. The alcoholism has put soft edges on all of that and yet, I surprise myself with how much I miss her sober self. It at least was real.

F- After finding my "notes" back from high school from my X, things have kind of changed for me, a weird peace about it.

I guess in the back of my mind I didn't want to believe he "was" the person that he always showed me he was. It was me that was sick, not him. These notes from him, in 1982 apologizing for lying again about smoking pot, that he didn't want to be a pot head or an alcoholic in the future, if we had kids he wouldn't need to smoke pot, that he was in high school and he just wanted to have fun.

These notes are in black and white and so powerful to me. I just chose not to believe him, of who he really was. Now 35 years later I still question him?? He told me who he was and what he wanted, 35 years ago. I am mad at myself for not accepting him for who he was suppose to be.

Its almost a peace that has come over me (for today haha). But I think I finally accept that is what he wants and always wanted, me to accept him for who he was. I couldn't and still can't, be apart of it. So how do you move forward. Let him be the way he wants to be. Acceptance on our part as God will always take care of us and them. Hugs my friend

Yes...that's all my husband wanted as well. Acceptance.

There are poignant times for me when the past suddenly appears so intensely that I feel I am truly in that old moment again. I find it sometimes happens when I drive back through an area I lived in years ago and haven't been back to. It is as if, with a certain stretch road, or a certain place that I drive by where momentous events happened, it is as if that place contains the very visceral feelings I felt at that long ago moment - I can hear, see, smell, sense all of those feelings and perceptions swirling around me as if I had time travelled.

And then I drive on, and feel the loss so deeply as if it had just happened again a minute before, and then finally that immersion in the past lets go. But it is an eery merging with the past for a brief moment. There is so much poignancy to remembering what was once so good and is no more. And then a transitory sense of huge loss for what I once had. It is a profoundly sad disease.

ShootingStar1

^^ yes. Who he is now, abusive, lying, narcissistic, blaming, entitled, controlling-stark contrast to who he was. I'm not living in fantasy land-I can't with this guy-he is scary and mean and just plain delusional. But I guess it's my mind remembering the good parts of what WAS. And is no longer. That's for sure!!'

But this is one of the hardest things, I think, to those of us who are not As. A lot of us started out, when young, drinking and going out to bars WITH them. But as we grow up and have families, etc, we stop those ways! The curious thing to me is that the A never does!

It is so hard for me to understand WHY my A would want to hang out at a bar instead of being comfortable at home. Why would he want to face those morning hangovers when he has to get up early for work? Maybe years ago that seemed like fun, but I grew out of it--I can't understand why he hasn't.

That, Maia and Forourgirls, is another thing that is so sad about this disease. And it is really hard to believe that this is really who they want to be.

This this this!!! I've recently had that revelation myself and it is REALLY hard not to be so darn angry with myself! The warning signs were THERE. I CHOSE to ignore them, repeatedly. But back then, I felt it was 'not giving up, everyone deserves 2nd chances'.

To the OP: I'm sure it is grief of the loss as someone mentioned. I go through pockets of that as I watch the sweet, giving man I loved with every bit of my soul crumble into a drunken slurry fest of lies. Along with that goes the future I envisioned and counted on. It is so difficult (((HUGS))) to you.

I am not sure that this is who they want to be, its just who they are. They are addicted to there addiction as we are to ours.

If you go to the new to recovery forum, the A's on that forum are Very depressed. Their life is in shambles, they have physical effects and mental effects of the addictions. Its just horrible. Its a terrible disease.

Yes, the future. In addition to distorted memories, the future is now just blank. No real plans, no life goals. I guess this happens when you invest in one person who is not capable of fulfilling your basic expectations, who picks alcohol over you. And the signs were there, oh boy were they there. If I had not tried so hard, and held us together, we would have fallen apart long time ago. And we did when I let go. When I stopped fixing. Stopped giving one more chance.

But life goes on. And I am sure, no matter what happens with me, there will be no more verbal abuse and emotional torture. That should be quite enough to have a good life.

OMG! This thread is so helpful and what I struggle with every day! Thank you about posting about the note from high school. It made me go back in my mind and my memories and my AH WAS this way back then. I just couldn't see it! I hate that I gave up so many years to someone that doesn't care about me and never did! I hate that today watching football, I thought about him and how much I loved watching football with him. I'm sure I never cross his mind except for his anger that the divorce isn't final and I'm still living in the house. I'm sure he was with his new NPD source today. It hurts like nothing I have ever felt before in my life. He used to always say to me that he would always love me and that he would never abandon me and would always take care of me. I guess that was just another way he was planning to be abusive. Make me think all of those things and he knew the entire time he would never live up to any of them.

I just hate that any of us have to experience this awful gut wrenching pain. It makes me angry and sad that someone else's behavior can cause us such heartache. But I know it is my own sickness of codependency that has caused my pain more than AH. I have been NC since Tuesday of last week. Thursday was the last day he tried to call.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a widow. But one that never had her loss affirmed and acknowledged by the world. I never got to stand there in black, clutching his flag to my chest, while a line of people gave their condolences.

People know I divorced him, they know why I divorced him, and they've been as supportive as they know how to be. Still, I don't think people realize just how hard it is to watch someone you love disappear into their addiction, or how hard it is to be surprised by good memories of them when you least expect it, unless they've loved an addict.

I think it's ironic that, although my XAH survived 3 tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, I still ended up being a war widow. A different war, a different enemy, maybe. But it still took him, and left me standing alone.

SeriousKarma-couldn't have said it better.

Karma-I just wanted to say I hear you, and how painful it is and that no one else being in your shoes can grasp the extent of the loss and torment. It is like grieving on such a deep level of pain and the person still exists.

I too am in love with and in a dying relationship with someone who served and is in destruction due to his addiction. I also work with veterans and have seen way too many of them survive the unimaginable only to make it home and crumble and destroy themselves and their family due to addiction and their intractable pride to get the help they need. It's devastating to watch and be in love with... definitely thinking of changing careers lately even though I feel so called to service with these folks. It's hard and thank you for sharing so eloquently your pain and process..

He used to always say to me that he would always love me and that he would never abandon me and would always take care of me. I guess that was just another way he was planning to be abusive. Make me think all of those things and he knew the entire time he would never live up to any of them.

Searchingpeace, I think that it may be worse than that. I think that often they DO want to be who they idealize themselves to be, and just can't make it. I think many of them WANT to be there, and if and when they can be honest with themselves, they hate themselves for their failure. I think that's where some of their denial comes from.

If they had to acknowledge the truth of the devastation they have wrought upon their loved ones, they would hate themselves so deeply that they just can't bear the truth.

SeriousKarma, your comments about feeling like being a widow are so moving. I am so sorry that life has brought you this grief without even the ability to have it acknowledged as the death it truly is.

Peace to you all,

ShootingStar1

Forourgirls,

I've been feeling like that today too. I just posted over in the family members of addicts forum.

Does it help to know that to make me feel better, before I even saw this post of yours, I was reading all your threads because I feel you have come so far, and are so strong and you really inspire me.

I think it's normal to have sad days, grief even.

And it's also natural to desire someone to hug and be there for you.

The new life is always better.

Sending hugs.