OnlyOneProblem

I don’t post much, but have been a faithful lurker for about the past 5 years. I registered in 2013. AH quit drinking in September 2013. It’s been 2 very long years. Recovery is slow. He attends 5 meetings a week. Does not have a sponsor. He took a break from meetings while we were moving into our new home last fall and earlier this year when we were on a 3 week vacation. It didn’t take long and we were having more conflict. Old habits, attitudes. There was a lot of denial but when he got back to his meetings he was more pleasant to be around.

We have been married 10 years this November. He did not fully embrace our marriage until he stopped drinking. We have made some progress. We now have a joint Trust, I am on the checking account and co-owner of our home. We have a nice life and enjoy each other’s company. We have been going to counseling for most of the 2 years that he has been sober. Life goes along nice and smooth for a while and then he acts like an a@@ and there we are back on the freaking merry go round. I have had moments where I see it for what it is and I am able to disengage. Even during those times it is exhausting because even though I’m not engaging, I’m affected by the turmoil. He is a master at turning a situation around and making it my fault.

So today we were working on our budget/bills. We are about to make a large purchase and we were also discussing future plans. We have been working together on a new budget now that we have moved and expenses are different. So we discussed how we would handle certain things. He proceeds to pay the bills and I’m folding laundry. He comes to talk to me while I am in the laundry room, with his mocking attitude and tells me how he handled a certain payment. He decided to do what he felt like doing instead of how we discussed we would handle it. I’m not mad but I am going to ask questions. Like: why would you do B when we already talked about doing A? He said he did it that way because it made him comfortable. I told him that while he is making himself “comfortable” by doing what he feels like doing, I am uncomfortable that I can’t count on what “we decided”. His classic reply: “I don’t know what you are talking about”. He is now Mr. Innocent.
Oh, I am so tired of this. This is what I get when I voice my opinion. I have an opinion. He can’t handle my opinion. I always say if you have a problem with me – let’s discuss it. That’s not going to happen. Somewhere along the way today my actions/words have triggered him. He then created a situation where he knows I will react. I believe we are grown up and that we can discuss our difference of opinion/conflict. NOT! He rarely “get’s it”. He isn’t going to because he wouldn’t be able to deflect the blame for whatever his problem is.

He is all Mr. Innocent. I point out his mocking behavior and he (for a minute) agrees with me. I’m mad now. I close the laundry room door and tell him not to talk to me. I am sick of this.

He attempts to talk to me. I don’t want to talk about it. He can’t believe I am doing this. That I’m going to ruin the evening, the weekend. He didn’t do anything wrong. Just like last week before I was leaving to go out of town. It never fails. Whenever I have plans or whenever I am going to see my Bff there is always some drama. I go to Al-anon. I have a sponsor. She reminds me that he is in “early recovery”. That’s been a helpful reminder. It helps me to not take it so personally but it doesn’t make it any easier. The sad reality is that while he has quit drinking and attends meeting, his abusive behavior continues.

I was away this past weekend with my sisters and sister in laws and I snapped at my sister. She has a lot of the same classic behaviors as RAH (Very lengthy addict history). I asked a simple question and got a bunch of run around. Asked again. Run around. I told her to shut the **** up and found myself saying my husbands name at the end. Ugh. She called me out and I called her out and we made up.

I am sure that this may sound minor to many. Seems like it's the easy stuff that trips me up the most. These kinds of games make me sick.

Thanks for letting me vent.

CodeJob

Hello OOP!

So. I'd print this out and bring it to counseling.

money is a big power source if not THE power source. He is threatened with your new level of 'power' in the relationship. it sounds like he allowed these recent changes so now he's going to make you suffer... If he made you mad enough to not talk about it, then he 'won' and he can keep making decisions on his own by misreading your cues on purpose. 'She withdrew. She wouldn't talk to me, so I just went ahead and did X and F too.'

He likely has conflicted feelings about the money decisions You made as a couple and it trying to reassert his authority. He may not even consciously grasp this.

dandylion

OnlyOneProblem....I also think that this is an issue that you could take into the counseling....since you are already going.
It sounds like you have identified a pattern and you know how you feel about it.

I assume that you don't have children with him...?

No...it does not sound "minor" to me. It sounds like it is really is bothering you! It has affected you enough for you to post about it ....and to trigger you in other relationships..(sister incident)....

dandylion

OnlyOneProblem

CodeJob, you make some great points about power and authority. When we are "in the middle of it" I am aware that something has triggered him. I'm usually focused on what little thing triggered him that I have failed to see the big picture. Power and Authority! Wow! I agree that he isn't consciously aware what it is about. I feel so stuck because I can't reason with him during these moments. I have recently gotten better over the past few months at identifying what's going on instead of getting sucked in to his drama. I do my best to detach but it still deeply affects me.

We have done this dance so long. It used to be that the dance would last for days. While I am still jumping on the merry go round at least I'm jumping off pretty quick. I'm exhausted but I'm grateful for the progress.

I have my counseling appointment on Monday and I will print and take this with me.

Dandylion, we each have 2 children from our previous marriages. They do not live with us. Thanks for your support. I guess I'm just feeling numb these days.

I think I am back to Step 1. I thought I had accepted that I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable. Perhaps I've been in denial that I am actually dealing with this beast of a disease. I have been living in a fantasy world thinking that it will change. The only change that is going to happen is me.

RDBplus3

Hello 'OnlyOneProblem'

The statement 'Does Not Have a Sponsor' ... does that mean he also has not actually worked the 12 Steps?

Without DOING THE WORK there cannot be much expectation of any real transformation in AA ... just sayin from my experience. The 12 Steps ARE THE PROGRAM ... and they ALWAYS work to transform lives ... when they are WORKED.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW You & Your Hubby can B 2. What do you have to lose by doing a good faith effort on working the steps? I KNOW what there is to gain

OnlyOneProblem

RBD, you are correct. He does NOT have a sponsor and is NOT working the steps.

I had the Sponsor conversation with him a couple months ago following one of our trips to crazy land. For a few weeks he spoke of having a sponsor. I know of a couple phone calls exchanged and he actually met with him for a sports activity. That was it. I won't bring it up again. I speak of how wise my Sponsor is and how much she has helped me. That's all I can do.

Without DOING THE WORK there cannot be much expectation of any real transformation in AA

This will be my new reminder!

It took a while before I understood that drinking was the problem. He quit twice. Then I realized just stopping drinking wasn't going to correct the problems. So he quit and goes to AA. Now I am realizing the above - He needs to WORK the program.

My downfall has most definitely been my expectation. He seems to put some effort in to his sobriety and that sells me for a while. It feels that at 2 years sober we are almost going backwards. If only he would work the program........

I will continue to go to Al-Anon meetings & work the steps with my sponsor. I will be here on SR every day. Thank you all for taking the time to post your ESH. I have gained so much from you.

RDBplus3

... and prayer / meditation

Prayer & meditation (for me) most times don't get 'results' like from a genie in a bottle, but I find that when practiced consistently they set me on paths of restoration, in processes of healing, in proper alignment and perspective.

Also, I suggest praying for your husband (and listening in meditation) ... all people have brains that perceive more than they realize, and they have souls that God can subtly influence and direct. God has a good chance with your Hubby if he is 'not drinking', and if your day-to-day actions are continually re-grounded in the 'principles' of the Program. I encourage you to do a thorough study and renewal of commitment to the daily steps ... 10, 11, 12.

Try this guided meditation ...
Click the link and go to ... Juanita U - A Guided Meditation - from Steps 10 & 11
Stories of Recovery

or copy and paste in your browser ...
storiesofrecovery.org/OtherTalks.htm

I prefer 'quiet mind' type meditation, and stay away from Eastern Mysticism. In my recovery, I am doing well, being in a good relation and perspective with my Creator, and trying to become 'One' with 'God' does not line up for me.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW you and your Hubby can B 2

OnlyOneProblem

RBD, Thank you for this meditation link. It is exactly what I need. Meditation and prayer.

I am working Step 4 with my sponsor.

RAH is not drinking and I am grateful for that.

Thanks for your input and i wish you well on your journey.

AnvilheadII

two years unbroken sobriety isn't THAT early in recovery anymore. i'm not sure that still works as an excuse for behaviors..........

Tansy

The sad reality is that while he has quit drinking and attends meeting, his abusive behavior continues.

Could be he's abusive sober cos..well that is how he is. So often we blame alcohol for unacceptable behavior when in fact it is the personality of the person. It doesn't sound to me that there is anything in your marriage for you.

OnlyOneProblem

AnvilheadII, it took me a while to understand the early recovery comment. I understand it now to mean that while he may have 2 years sobriety he is far from recovered. My sponsor did not mean it as an excuse for him but more as a reality check for me. I am naive in thinking that since he has been sober for 2 years and attends meetings that there would be a shift in his thinking.

Tansy, I used to believe that the alcohol was the problem. I understand now that these are his character defects. This is what makes life with a recovering alcoholic so hard. He has quit drinking, attends AA, goes to counseling. He is 76 years old. I'm grateful that at his age he has begun the process of healing. His recovery is in his time frame.

I'm focusing on my recovery and learning how to detach when I don't like his behavior. I'm getting there, slowly. He's getting there, slowly. Recovery is hard.

HoldOnLoosely

Recovery is difficult. You got a lot of wonderful advice.

It seems you've got the gist of it now. It's his deep root issues that need to be addressed. Hang in there. Continue to strengthen YOU.