Cleaning House
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Cleaning House
I grew up in a house that was always cluttered with junk and crap. My mom wasn't a hoarder, but she definitely flirted with it. My reaction as an adult is to keep things purged and orderly. I tried to maintain that attitude over the last few years, but it did get harder. When I moved, I generated four large black trash bags of junk, and three more large black trash bags of stuff to give away (mostly from my daughters' room).
As I've unpacked at the new place, I've dumped some more stuff, and the girls have had an opportunity to further sort and purge some of their things. I didn't bring much of my son's things (compared to what I left behind, anyway), so we are settling in nicely.
My biggest problem, though, was that for the past year or so I have been generally bringing my mail (all of it...junk mail, legit mail, etc.) to my office as soon as I got it. Part of it was just not wanting my AH to know my business, and a BIG part of it was denial about certain aspects of my financial life. I had accumulated two file drawers FULL of mail. Some of it opened, some of it not. Over the past few days I've brought it home in batches, sorted it, and am addressing it. It's like I'm cleaning out the desk drawers as well as clearing all the cobwebs and a lot of denial out of my head.
As I've unpacked at the new place, I've dumped some more stuff, and the girls have had an opportunity to further sort and purge some of their things. I didn't bring much of my son's things (compared to what I left behind, anyway), so we are settling in nicely.
My biggest problem, though, was that for the past year or so I have been generally bringing my mail (all of it...junk mail, legit mail, etc.) to my office as soon as I got it. Part of it was just not wanting my AH to know my business, and a BIG part of it was denial about certain aspects of my financial life. I had accumulated two file drawers FULL of mail. Some of it opened, some of it not. Over the past few days I've brought it home in batches, sorted it, and am addressing it. It's like I'm cleaning out the desk drawers as well as clearing all the cobwebs and a lot of denial out of my head.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Awesome! I Grew up in the same kind of house, and have become such a minimalist lately - especially after this move. This is the first place i've lived in where my clothing isn't threatening to break the closet rod 
Feels so good - this is probably wrong on many levels here, but all I can think of to say is - CHEERS!
Feels so good - this is probably wrong on many levels here, but all I can think of to say is - CHEERS!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Wisconsin, I understand where you're at w/that. I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff in the last couple of months, and I do feel a lot better having done so.
One of the things I've found out as I've started being more engaged in the place I live is how much crap XAH had said he'd "take care of" over the years but actually only stashed it someplace and never dealt w/it! I've just scratched the surface, but he had boxes of cardboard down in the garage--all that had to be done was to carry them down to the road on recycling day, but for some reason that never happened! I took them all down last week, along w/the dead microwave, dead CD player and some other dead electronics that he had "taken care of" several years ago. The microwave, CD player and electronics were picked up inside of an hour. The recycling guys took the cardboard. And XAH seemed astounded by this...?
I was greatly encouraged and have been putting other stuff down by the road--human-powered lawn mower that only really worked well for 1 year, lizard terrarium and heat lamps, old kitchen chairs--and virtually everything disappears in an hour or two. SOMEONE must want it!
The back room of the basement has dozens of big bird seed bags in it. DOZENS. Years worth! I asked about this. "Well, they make good trash bags." Well, sure, but holy crap, they become trash themselves when there are a zillion of them!
Between the crap my brother left behind in his pole barn here (he's a contractor) when he moved to Canada 2 years ago and the crap Jim has been stashing all over the place, I am probably going to need to get a dumpster at some point. They are not cheap! I've checked. I've got enough cleaning to keep me busy for some time yet.
I am surely not a neat freak, but I just have this drive to get this crap out. It seems to me there was a thread here about the relationship between clutter and unmanageability in our lives, and I'd have to agree wholeheartedly. We've learned to see more clearly, to understand what matters and what is background noise, and we want our surroundings to reflect that knowledge.
I am pleased at the space and light in my house now--XAH was always keeping the blinds drawn, and I open them WIDE. My furniture is small, there is room, there is air, there is light and color...it feels so different from before.
Lexie, I think you had a big thread going some time ago about Un-F'ing your house or the like? If you read this, could you post a link for your thread on SR?
I can't link to the original UnF site b/c of the F word being there, but googling "Unf*** your Habitat" with the appropriate letters in place of the asterisks will get you there.
One of the things I've found out as I've started being more engaged in the place I live is how much crap XAH had said he'd "take care of" over the years but actually only stashed it someplace and never dealt w/it! I've just scratched the surface, but he had boxes of cardboard down in the garage--all that had to be done was to carry them down to the road on recycling day, but for some reason that never happened! I took them all down last week, along w/the dead microwave, dead CD player and some other dead electronics that he had "taken care of" several years ago. The microwave, CD player and electronics were picked up inside of an hour. The recycling guys took the cardboard. And XAH seemed astounded by this...?
I was greatly encouraged and have been putting other stuff down by the road--human-powered lawn mower that only really worked well for 1 year, lizard terrarium and heat lamps, old kitchen chairs--and virtually everything disappears in an hour or two. SOMEONE must want it!
The back room of the basement has dozens of big bird seed bags in it. DOZENS. Years worth! I asked about this. "Well, they make good trash bags." Well, sure, but holy crap, they become trash themselves when there are a zillion of them!
Between the crap my brother left behind in his pole barn here (he's a contractor) when he moved to Canada 2 years ago and the crap Jim has been stashing all over the place, I am probably going to need to get a dumpster at some point. They are not cheap! I've checked. I've got enough cleaning to keep me busy for some time yet.
I am surely not a neat freak, but I just have this drive to get this crap out. It seems to me there was a thread here about the relationship between clutter and unmanageability in our lives, and I'd have to agree wholeheartedly. We've learned to see more clearly, to understand what matters and what is background noise, and we want our surroundings to reflect that knowledge.
I am pleased at the space and light in my house now--XAH was always keeping the blinds drawn, and I open them WIDE. My furniture is small, there is room, there is air, there is light and color...it feels so different from before.
Lexie, I think you had a big thread going some time ago about Un-F'ing your house or the like? If you read this, could you post a link for your thread on SR?
I can't link to the original UnF site b/c of the F word being there, but googling "Unf*** your Habitat" with the appropriate letters in place of the asterisks will get you there.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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I'm not sure. My mother was not an alcoholic, but she was a raging co-dependent who suffered from crippling depression. I attribute most of the mess in our house growing up to that.
My AH isn't a hoarder, but as his disease progressed, he was less and less involved in keeping house. When he was in recovery, he easily did half the work. When I moved out...he had been doing nothing for two years.
My AH isn't a hoarder, but as his disease progressed, he was less and less involved in keeping house. When he was in recovery, he easily did half the work. When I moved out...he had been doing nothing for two years.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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I've been in my house for almost 20 years and have accumulated a lot of 'stuff' over the years despite many purges. Trouble is I like shopping, although I'm not compulsive.
What's changed now is I have access to online sites to sell the more valuable things that are a bit too good to donate. I start by offering to my adult children, then advertise, then if not sold I donate. I need to move house to kick it into high gear.
It is a lovely feeling to free yourself of excess possessions. Never install new storage until you've thrown out everything you can.
PS does anyone else hang onto their clothes from 2 sizes ago in case they fit into it one day?
What's changed now is I have access to online sites to sell the more valuable things that are a bit too good to donate. I start by offering to my adult children, then advertise, then if not sold I donate. I need to move house to kick it into high gear.
It is a lovely feeling to free yourself of excess possessions. Never install new storage until you've thrown out everything you can.
PS does anyone else hang onto their clothes from 2 sizes ago in case they fit into it one day?
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FG, I don't have many clothes, and half of them fall into that category! LOL
I really had no choice but to purge. Our new place is half the size of our old place! But I like it so much better. It is much easier to keep tidy and clean. No beer stink. No big dog shedding everywhere constantly without anyone helping to manage the mass amounts of dog hair. The bathroom has a bigger mirror and more counter/cabinet/drawer space. I could go on and on and on.
FG, I think your approach is an excellent one. One that I hope my dad will employ if/when he ever downsizes.
I really had no choice but to purge. Our new place is half the size of our old place! But I like it so much better. It is much easier to keep tidy and clean. No beer stink. No big dog shedding everywhere constantly without anyone helping to manage the mass amounts of dog hair. The bathroom has a bigger mirror and more counter/cabinet/drawer space. I could go on and on and on.
FG, I think your approach is an excellent one. One that I hope my dad will employ if/when he ever downsizes.
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Any obsessive behavior is connected to anxiety - keeping "stuff" goes pretty deep, add alcohol to that and the brain really sparks out. Anxiety, depression, obsession, alcoholism - all connected and made worse by the alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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As part of dealing with recovery from an eating disorder, I purged my closet of everything that did not fit. It was amazing how much I had been hanging on to! And it's even more amazing to live with a closet full of only clothes that fit me and feel good. Done wonders for managing my body perception issues, and also got me behaving a LOT less sentimental about my clothes. Now, if it no longer fits or feels good, to the donation bin it goes!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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RAH flirts the line with hoarding & it drives me bonkers. His mother definitely is one & it's been years since she's allowed ANYONE into their home, ick. I'm finding it tied more to his ADHD issues than addiction.
I was flabbergasted at how much crap I'd allowed to build up around me during all the chaos. More surprised at how I'd let it encroach on & take over every bit of my personal space as well. It became a real reflection of my mental & emotional state.
Just TWO sizes? Amateur! 
I have rotating closets that probably cover sizes 4-14. My weight cycles have come & gone so many times between my hormones, thyroid & eating issues that I stopped tossing everything every time (I have plenty of room for the storage). I do purge everything before & after putting them in storage though.
I *hate* clutter so I avoid it at all costs in my home - I only just added any kind of accent tables to my living area & only because they hold MY stuff, lol. I am always reassessing, reorganizing for better efficiency. I open my mail over the garbage can - everything unnecessary gets tossed immediately, recyclable ads & stuff to shred goes right into their bins, bills into the file folder. My rule is "touch it once" whenever possible - with cooking, cleaning, anything. When I'm making dinner I'm selecting serving dishes based on whether the leftovers can be stored in that same container so I'm not doing double dishes.
I'm like this because as the oldest (ACoA) a LOT of chores & responsibilities fell on my shoulders while we were mired in dysfunctional living. I often ended up with my sister's list because she caught on that I'd be in as much trouble for not "making her do" her chores. When I moved out I could not WAIT to only have myself to clean up after. I despise the amount of time I spend mindlessly doing chores, but especially picking up after someone capable of doing it themselves.
I was flabbergasted at how much crap I'd allowed to build up around me during all the chaos. More surprised at how I'd let it encroach on & take over every bit of my personal space as well. It became a real reflection of my mental & emotional state.
PS does anyone else hang onto their clothes from 2 sizes ago in case they fit into it one day?
Just TWO sizes? Amateur! I have rotating closets that probably cover sizes 4-14. My weight cycles have come & gone so many times between my hormones, thyroid & eating issues that I stopped tossing everything every time (I have plenty of room for the storage). I do purge everything before & after putting them in storage though. I *hate* clutter so I avoid it at all costs in my home - I only just added any kind of accent tables to my living area & only because they hold MY stuff, lol. I am always reassessing, reorganizing for better efficiency. I open my mail over the garbage can - everything unnecessary gets tossed immediately, recyclable ads & stuff to shred goes right into their bins, bills into the file folder. My rule is "touch it once" whenever possible - with cooking, cleaning, anything. When I'm making dinner I'm selecting serving dishes based on whether the leftovers can be stored in that same container so I'm not doing double dishes.
I'm like this because as the oldest (ACoA) a LOT of chores & responsibilities fell on my shoulders while we were mired in dysfunctional living. I often ended up with my sister's list because she caught on that I'd be in as much trouble for not "making her do" her chores. When I moved out I could not WAIT to only have myself to clean up after. I despise the amount of time I spend mindlessly doing chores, but especially picking up after someone capable of doing it themselves.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo 
This is so interesting. Is there a link between alcoholism and hoarding/being unable to deal with clutter?! It all sounds so familiar especially what someone said about keeping the curtains closed.
I used to read a lot on the subject because my ex's dad is a hoarder who had no boundaries about using the homes of relatives as extra storage (whether he had their permission or not). I had a couple of major throwdowns with him about coming over when we weren't home and dumping stuff off. He is also a recovering A, nearly 30 years active in AA. I actually tried to get him on Hoarders one time, but it wasn't quite extreme enough for them. They like high stakes, where someone is going to lose their house or their family or suffocate under an avalanche of old newspapers and Franklin Mint collector plates.
Honeypig, I know exactly what you mean about your husband's promises to "take care" of things. The passive aggressive procrastination was a huge thing with my ex. He used to get angry with me for doing stuff. "I SAID I'd take care of x, now you messed it all up, blah blah blah."
Yeah, you've been saying that for 8 months. I'm not going to keep driving on bald tires/living in filth/looking at the huge hole in the wall to appease your ego.
I love being able to just get rid of stuff now. I'm a thrift store junkie, so I have a rule that every time I make a shopping trip I have to drop off at least one donation bag.
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