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Please help me, I'm desperate here

Old 09-10-2015, 07:45 PM
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Please help me, I'm desperate here

Please don't be upset. I hope I will be forgiven. Please don't holler at me. Today is the anniversary of my exabf's mother's passing. There hasn't been any contact between he & I since last year. But- I've always tried to be a good person and try to do what's right. I always believe that when you have a opportunity to do good, do it. I don't want him to respond, I just wish to send "you're in my prayers" & Sending peace" text. Would it be wrong? Again, I don't want him to respond-. I ask you to be honest with me.,but please don't make cry with your responses. I'm feeling hurt & dismissed enough. One of my friends said I'll be putting him into shame by sending the text, that's not my goal. I'm thankful to God above that I can write here instead of just sending a text out to someone who doesn't give s darn anyway. Thank you guys. Please respond.
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Old 09-10-2015, 08:00 PM
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Am I remembering right that he has been ignoring your attempts to reach out to him for a while now? If so, I think maybe it's time to accept that he doesn't want to hear from you. Sending him texts will keep you stuck. Find some other way this week to show someone you love how much you care. Focus on people who will love you back.
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Old 09-10-2015, 08:28 PM
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Let him go, Bernadette
Just let him go and go on with your life ever looking forward, not behind.
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Old 09-10-2015, 08:31 PM
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What is your intent with the text? What is your motive and what do you want as the outcome? I think if you can answer those questions then maybe it will be easier to give opinions on you sending the text.
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Old 09-10-2015, 08:46 PM
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It's lovely that you have a generous heart.

What I'm learning about this Family Disease of Alcoholism is that I have a "dis-ease" of perceptions and proportions. Sometimes my heart gets too wrapped up in others, or I'm trying to avoid dealing with my own feelings. Sometimes I don't want others to feel pain, or to try to ease it or take it away. I'm learning that isn't my job.

When I want to reach out to someone I haven't had contact with in a long time, or with possibly poor timing, I try to take a look at myself and my motives. Then I come up with a new action to take... whether it's as basic as washing clothes or car maintenance, or doing a good deed for someone I don't know. Passing it forward can be a neutral feel good thing, and I can do it anonymously in memory of someone.

Gentle hugs, Bernadette. What a great action in posting here and giving yourself time to think about this first.
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Old 09-10-2015, 09:13 PM
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Hi Bernadette...big hugs! I think everyone has given you some great advice hon. I know its hard! Ya know, you can still say a wonderful prayer about it on behalf of your ex w/o causing anyone, including yourself, discomfort or hurt. Its most important that God hears from you and He can pass on your well wishes in the way He chooses and best fits your ex.
I hope you find peace about this soon!
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Old 09-10-2015, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Bernadette777 View Post
I don't want him to respond, I just wish to send "you're in my prayers" & Sending peace" text. Would it be wrong?
Communication is a two way street. It isn't fair to expect someone to listen to what you have to say without them having a chance to speak to you and be heard.

If you don't want him to respond, don't send the text. If you want to put him in your prayers, do it by all means. But telling him that he is in your prayers is, at the very least, an opening for him to start talking to you. It is an invitation of friendliness and communication. At the worst, it is an outright request for him to start talking to you.
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Old 09-10-2015, 09:23 PM
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Say a prayer for your ex-MIL, maybe think of something to commemorate her privately. You don't need to contact your ex to honour her memory.
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Old 09-10-2015, 11:00 PM
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Light a candle for her and don't send the text.

This journey is tough but you can do this! great advice above and I am so glad you posted here.

Take care Phiz
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Old 09-10-2015, 11:53 PM
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I thank all of you for responding to me with your kind, gentle & wisdom filled hearts. I didn't text him. I said a prayer for his mother. I can never thank you all enough. When I posted the thread a few hours ago, my head & heart were in a vice. I ended up falling asleep & just woke up to read your excellent wisdom filled responses, thank you for coming to my rescue dear SR Angels. Thank you for the truth, you're all right & I feel strength from reading your responses. If it means anything in me turning away from him: I am happy I didn't reach out to him- is this a step in the right direction? It feels like it is. God bless all of you, you are all in prayers too. My God, thank you for the SR Angels! I feel better. Getting through another night feels good. Not getting my feelings stepped on feels even better. Now I understand why No Contact is so important. It's not for the A's in our lives, it's for our well being! Breakthrough !!! Right?? I feel so. A friend of mine (who is a recovering A) called me and said if he is still associating with his friends who all use/drink- don't think he got it together,---- more truth. Just wanted to send my heartfelt sincere thanks to all who responded.,thank you for being there for me. I love you all. Bernadette 💖
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Old 09-11-2015, 12:01 AM
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Ps guys! That "Ddc96" After my name was supposed to be a huge pink heart! Love you all, sweet dreams & blessed tomorrow to all! 'Bernie
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Old 09-11-2015, 04:27 AM
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Missed all this, but you got some great advice and I'm glad you were able to work it through without impulsively texting.

Good job!
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Old 09-11-2015, 06:22 AM
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You did great! You are such a kind soul, and I am sure that is what she would remember. I am proud of you my friend!
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Old 09-11-2015, 11:54 PM
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That's fabulous indeed!

It really works if you work it.....

Sr and Al Anon keep me sane.

Take care of you and have a great weekend

All the best Phiz
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Old 09-12-2015, 08:47 AM
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Thanks Phiz, you too! Group hug y'all!
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Old 09-12-2015, 03:30 PM
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Hello my Friends,
I was just rereading this thread. Thank each and every one of you who responded & prayed for me. Also, thank you if you even just looked at it and prayed for me. I realize this gaping ache in my heart is because of his choices to get lit & loaded. In reflection, I saw the word motive was in the postings. I realize my motive Was just to show support & kindness. Perhaps I wished my text (even with no response back) would be more comforting than his drink, lines, or pot. But, I'm sure those factors in his life are more important then a kind gesture. I guess what hurts the most is my ego-specifically: if he got it together, why hasn't he reached out to me, he loved me & so did his family. That's what hurts. I don't know for sure if he has pulled it together or not- he's lost a lot of weight from the photo I saw of him- but the drink was in front of him. A friend of mine who is recovering alcoholic saw his photo and said he looked like a "waster" . I told him what my ex said, "AA doesn't work for me baby" !! My recovering friend said, "ohhh, he's so special huh? (He meant that sarcastically) forget him Bernie" go on and have a life with a man who loves you & doesn't need any substances to exist. I know, I know this, I honestly just feel so pissed off that his enabling friends & toxic booze/drug habits won over me-- talk about ego on my half huh?! Anyway, thank you all for your great advice. Much love & peace to all of you. Love, Bernie
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