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Old 09-09-2015, 07:08 AM
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Update...

So, a lot of you have been good "virtual" friends for quite some time and I was thinking I ought to share the latest....

xAH was arrested, again, last winter... trial is sometime this fall... Trying my best to not be involved in it but as our kids were involved in the situation that resulted in his arrest, his dirt bag lawyer subpeonaed both girls so Im dealing with that as best I can and by that I mean Im helping the kids deal...

xAH moved 6 + hours away about a month ago. He calls now and then. That's about it.

As bad a parent as he was, as much as he made my life a living hell being nearby, its been hard to see the hurt my littlest DD feels over the idea that her dad up and left... She's angry, being overtly cruel to her older sister, constantly having meltdowns and telling me I should just move away too and she wants no parents...

Im no psychologist, but rejection/abandonment issues maybe? Sad that even when a parent is awful, it still hurts the kids to have that parent bail on them....

I have a great job, some close friends, am trying to navigate the dating world and am finding myself EXHAUSTED in a way that I can't describe...

Years and years of being on high alert, wondering what the narcissist xAH was up to and what nightmares he'd create have come to an end with his geographic distance...

And I think the adrenaline has stopped coursing through my veins at lightening speed and Im tired like I can't explain...

But besides being tired, life is pretty calm and good and mundane most days and boy is that nice
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Old 09-09-2015, 07:19 AM
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Glad to hear from you! And glad your ex finally got nailed--he is one scary dude.

Have you let the prosecutor know he's subpoenaed the girls? You can contact the victim/witness advocate, who might be able to help with counseling for them, could probably be in the courtroom with them, etc. Either way, they should be getting some counseling, and you might want to talk to the school counselor.

Hugs,
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Old 09-09-2015, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Glad to hear from you! And glad your ex finally got nailed--he is one scary dude.

Have you let the prosecutor know he's subpoenaed the girls? You can contact the victim/witness advocate, who might be able to help with counseling for them, could probably be in the courtroom with them, etc. Either way, they should be getting some counseling, and you might want to talk to the school counselor.

Hugs,
The Prosecutor knows... I hand delivered the subpeonae the day I got them and the victim advocate is well intentioned but doesnt seem to grasp how ****** up it is to even THINK that the kids should testify.

The girls have a therapist out of school and she's horrified too.

It hasn't yet been brought up to the girls that they might have to testify...

Im making a fairly big deal of this issue and have told the Prosecutor I can see having the kids be recorded perhaps and their testimony shared in court but that Im willing to be in contempt before Ill take them to court to have to be grilled by xAH's lawyer.

So... the Prosecutor is a great guy and has been very communicative with me and is in chats with xAH's criminal lawyer to see about a plea deal for him (which clearly was xAH's plan all along-- use the kids as pawns to try and get a better deal).

Honestly... who subpeonaes their kids?!?!?!
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Old 09-09-2015, 08:01 AM
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I don't know the facts of the case, so I can't say whether it's intended to be a ploy or not. I'm reluctant to call kids to testify, but I've done it when I have to. I make sure they get as much support as I can for them and deal with them very gently.

Your going to jail wouldn't prevent them from testifying, so put that out of your mind right now. Even if you were put in jail for obstruction or whatever they could still be compelled to testify. Much better if you provide maximum support for them to get through it than making this out to be a life-or-death situation for them. Remember, kids pick up on your fears. If you make it a big deal, they will. If you make it out to be something difficult and unpleasant but something they are up to, that's how they will take it.
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Old 09-09-2015, 09:57 AM
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Can I ask what the criminal situation is? Without sacrificing your anonymity...?
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Old 09-09-2015, 10:36 AM
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Just another couple of things to keep in mind, too. If they are called as DEFENSE witnesses, there will be no "grilling". First of all, most lawyers treat ALL child witnesses gently in the courtroom--they don't want to alienate the jury by being harsh with them. Secondly, if they are called by the defense, the defense lawyer won't be allowed to cross-examine. It's just question and answer. The idea of being in court, especially when dad is on trial, can be uncomfortable for sure, but most kids are just fine as long as they have plenty of support and are assured that all they need to do is to tell the truth. Court rules generally don't allow recorded testimony.

With any luck, the case will plead out--the vast majority of cases do. But try not to get all worked up over it in the meantime. The kids WILL be OK. Compared with some of the stuff they've witnessed, this will be less traumatic even if it comes to pass.
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Old 09-10-2015, 07:11 AM
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Florence,
The case involved a DUI, child endangerment and bail violations.
He had pending charges from over a year ago, was arrested on the above matters and had the kids with him (thanks Court in my state for continuing to support his parental rights) so now he's got a whole lot more charges.
I'm frankly having a difficult time wanting to cooperate with having the kids do any more speaking to anyone about their feelings on the matter.
Child Protective Services wants to interview them yet again but given their level of uselessness for years I'm not subjecting the kids to that.
Ultimately if the Prosecutor says I have to provide the kids for the trial I will but the victim advocate agrees it's insane.
The Defense yes is the one who subpoenaed them but the Prosecutor feels they'll be helpful for the case in his view too. So it's just a mess.
The kids are doing ok ish and don't need any more focus on their dads insanity.
My hope is it pleads out too Lexie.
In the meantime we are living life and xAH isn't the focus day and night...
The whole trial nonsense is just ridiculous.
It's not right to drag kids into it and frankly if the courts had protected my kids for the years I've asked them to and listened to me prior to this, the kids wouldn't have been in a position to be in a car w his drunk...

Anyway enough of that... XAH is a moron. Kids will be ok. He isn't seeing them these days and that's just as well. So all is ok...
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Old 09-10-2015, 09:58 AM
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OK, well, on the good side, there's not a whole lot they will have to testify about. Maybe their observations, if any, about dad's condition when they got in the car, maybe whether they were scared. How he was driving. That's about all I can think of they could possibly be questioned about. Their testimony would probably be not more than a few minutes on the stand.

Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does, handling it the right way can make this a teachable moment. Nobody is above the law. If you break the law and put people in danger you will be held responsible. And doing the right thing, like testifying when you know something about what happened, is everyone's job. Good citizenship.

I know that from where you sit this is a family matter, but remember, he could have not only hurt your kids driving in that condition, he could have hurt other people. He needs to be dealt with, and the system is trying to make that happen.

Hugs,
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