Ogimaa

I began dating someone from another city and it was 8 glorious weeks of falling in love. He was easy to be around, kind and generous. He traveled to visit me. We thoroughly enjoyed our time together. He is in recovery from alcohol and relapsed while he was visiting. He disappeared for a week, emerged, and started healing and went back home for a few days. We've had some conversations but he wasn't 100% and wasn't able to process all that he had done to our relationship just yet. It was difficult but he started to make a plan to get back on his feet and then we would figure out where we would go. His previous pattern was to binge for a few days and then have a period of sobriety. He does work a program and said he became lax using his tools while he was visiting for an extended period.

We were on as good of terms as can be as we were only beginning to work through this. Things were peaceful. He was supposed to return on Sunday, we got into a fight and now he has gone silent. We were supposed to go out of the country later this week. That trip was planned a few weeks ago and is a business trip for me, not a vacation for us.

All of my friends say that I should cut my losses and move on. Its been a journey of working through my own thoughts and feelings. His disappearance was jarring. Its hard to go from moving in a positive direction to dealing with all of this. The silence is very difficult. I'm not sure what to do. No one in my world has been down this path.

Many thanks for you thoughts. I have appreciated reading your posts.

Wisconsin

Welcome! I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us. Check out the stickies at the top of the forum...endless amounts of helpful and supportive information.

Based on what you've shared, I agree with your friends. Let him go. If he can log a year of solid sobriety while working a recovery program, perhaps you can get back in touch. Otherwise...things will only get worse in the long run. You can't love him into sobriety. He will choose sobriety if and when he is darn good and ready, regardless of what you do or don't do. Your best approach is to keep your focus on yourself.

Austin4Wyo

As an alcoholic in recovery, I have to wholeheartedly agree with Wisconsin. I've been where he is, and it has been my experience that as long as there are unresolved issues compelling him to return to an altered reality, he will continue to drink. Something is still severely amiss in his life, and until that set of issues is resolved, you'll be playing second fiddle to both the bottle and, if he gets back on track (many don't...the sad reality of addiction), his immediate focus, which should be recovery related.

I could NEVER be a loving, reciprocal boyfriend/partner when I was drinking, and I still couldn't for a good chunk after. I wouldn't lay bets on me right now, because even after the abstinence starts, a chunk of time working through core issues and adjusting/developing my identity is needed. Something compelled me to drink, and until I address deeper, intrinsic issues, I'm not "sober," just dry. If he's anything like me, he's not presently boyfriend material.

I hear a year as a good rule of thumb, as Wisconsin says. That's not to say that he isn't ready after 365 days, but magically is at day 366, but it gives a benchmark to allow progress and growth, or to see what needs continued work.

His present disappearing act after a relapse is worrisome. Cutting and running was one of my old habits. If you need further examples of what us drunks/addicts do when we stir up against our own recovery, the forum has plenty to offer. Run a search for relapse, "fell off," "picked up," and any number of other phrases that are colloquial ways to refer to a return to substance use. Or, just jump over to Newcomers, and see how many have struggled to put together meaningful sobriety after picking up again. I was a chronic relapse case. I can say anecdotally and from my own experience...it will get worse, possibly MUCH, MUCH worse, before it gets better.

It likely hurts now, but I really, really encourage you to evaluate what sort of relationship you envision with an alcoholic who is still dealing with the unresolved difficulties that compell him to drink. If you are truly honest with yourself, I'm sure you can see how much the odds are against your sanity, happiness, and contentment.

Whatever you choose, be sure you're taking care of YOU first. Like Wisconsin said, you can't get him sober from your side, so there is no reason to open yourself up to injury as you go forward.

ladyscribbler

So you had a two month long distance relationship, then he came to visit you and went on a bender. This relationship is still in the "getting to know you" stage, and from your description this guy is constructed almost entirely of red flags.
Yes, I know he's the most wonderful, caring, attentive, etc. guy you've ever met. You guys really " get" each other. That's why you fell in love so fast.
I lived with a binge drinker for five years. It is not a situation that improves with time. All those marvelous things you love so much about him now will slowly erode away, along with your self-esteem, energy, hopes and dreams.
I know it feels like a special connection because he opened up to you about his alcoholism and you helped him after his self-inflicted sickness, but that's just one more way of getting sucked in to an unhealthy relationship.
No way I would take him out of the country on a business trip. He can't manage to stay sober for a week in your hometown. You don't want him causing some drunken international incident that might put your livelihood in jeopardy.
Sorry if this is blunt. I think your friends are right. You have a lot going for you. No need to settle for this guy.

Ogimaa

Thank you all. I asked him about the 1 year of sobriety and all that before we became more involved. His therapist thought he was ready. Apparently, you are correct, he is not.

I appreciate the words of wisdom and the bluntness. I just needed a little push. He's a good guy struggling with it more than he or I knew. Now I know. Everyone said its good it happened early and not after more time in. Life lessons...

FeelingGreat

Hi Ogimaa, long periods of no contact generally equal binge. He doesn't want to call you drunk.
I agree with the others that there's not prospect of a healthy relationship or even recovery while he's still drinking. It takes quite a bit of work to recover, and it's really hard, especially to maintain relationships.
I suggest you cut your losses before you become too attached.

Ogimaa

It is worrisome. He was with his people who are sober and in the program. Not sure what happened. I'm just waiting to see if he emerges. Not sure what else to do. I just got on with my life but think about him...

emilynghiem

With someone who is on and off, that's very hard on a friendship, much more on a romantic relationship.

I would focus on a friendship first, that doesn't hinge on whether he does X Y or Z. If you can use this as an exercise in letting go and being unconditional, that's needed anyway to stay sane in ANY relationship.

it is ENOUGH to figure out just trying to be FRIENDS with someone who is inconsistent, where you cannot tell if he is coming or going, up or down.

Work on being friends first, where he can share openly what he is going through.

If he cannot even support a stable friendship, then he really needs to finish his recovery work first, BEFORE getting into any relationship that requires both people to be stable.

He's got a lot of work to do on himself.
So treat him like a friend who is in and out, in and out, of the hospital and has to focus on their own healing before they can be a friend to anyone else.

Only give what you can "unconditionally" where you are happy just to share with a friend, with no expectations in return. Any more than that, you are likely to give too much, get disappointed and hurt.

He needs to work on himself first, and until he is a good friend to himself, how can he support a relationship with anyone else?