Evicted and unsure of what to do now.
 

I don't really know why I am posting, I think I just need to not feel alone atm. I know this is a mess I have gotten myself into and I have a plan to get out of it. I just wish I didn't have to have one at all.

My rAbf had to move out of his flat in April as his landlady decided to sell up. At the time, I was helping him look for a property to buy with his inheritance money and entirely in his name. The plan was that I would move in with him and benefit by being mortgage and rent free. He would benefit by having invested his money and, frankly, things were good and we wanted to move in together.

Throughout, though. I had it in mind that I could also use the situation to make sure I had saved enough funds to get out of there if I needed to.

So, on the basis that he wouldn't be living in my small flat with me very long, we put his things in storage and he moved in.

Two months later, he relapsed. My landlady discovered this and was not happy. Particularly as I had just informed her I would be seeking legal advice as drains fell on and damaged my car and she was refusing to pay up. So, as she was looking for something anyway, she banned him from the property if he was drinking. Fair enough. He sobered up and we kept our heads down and found a place to buy. That property is about to get to the point of us putting a deposit down and exchanging contracts.

Yesterday, he relapsed again. Only this time, being worse for wear, upon hearing my landlord in the block of flats, he went out and demanded the money owed to me and wouldn't let my landlord get through the door (just stood and blocked it, no physical contact). My landlady just called and has evicted me.

I told him to stay in a hotel until he is sober and I took his keys. He wasn't happy about it and I have no idea where we will stand with each other when he sobers up.

So now I have a dilemna. I can move into a smaller flat (wow rents have gone up!) in the next few weeks. I know I will be able to afford to and I will be out of here asap. Alternatively, I can wait for the house buy to go through. IF it goes through within the two months notice period, IF my Abf doesn't do an about-face and call the whole thing off, I will be better off financially and won't have to pay the costs of moving twice in two months.

If I wait for the house, though and it falls through. I will then have to move quickly.

At the moment, I am going to sell my (very old) piano to help with moving costs. I am going to view flats and get ready to move, but I am leaning towards waiting a month before signing anything. If the house works out, I can then take my time to save up and move somewhere half-way decent if I decide that's what I want to do.

It's just additional stress I didn't need. I love him and in the months when he is sober, we are so happy. But in the weeks when he is drunk, I will no-longer be around him. We agreed that last time when it all got very ugly for the first time.

I hate living here anyway, I was going to move around Christmas time because the landlady is so awful and I can't really persue her for the money for my car until I am out of here, but I wanted to be able to do it on my own schedule.

Now I have no idea what is happening with my relationship. No idea where bf is. No idea if he will call off the house buy. Not entirely sure how to fund a move. URGH.

Ok, rant over. I just needed to feel less alone in this. Thanks for reading, guys.

Shil, I'm so sorry for the position you find yourself in.

If you are unsure where the relationship stands, please do not make plans to move into this potential house with him.

Right now, you have an active addict for a boyfriend.

Right now, you have to leave your apartment and need another place to live.

Please do not make plans based on the what-if's and maybe's of someone's else's recovery, but rather on the situation as it is right now.

You are not alone. Ever! We are here, and we are mighty!

Do what is best for you right now. Find a place you can afford on your own. As much as you care about him, the fact is you can't trust him or rely on him to make good decisions. It would be a mistake to make choices based on your hopes or his promises.
So sorry you're going through this. Moving is stressful enough when it's planned.

so you had him move in and NOW you are being evicted due to HIS actions.

i personally would no longer include him in any of my housing plans.

Shil, I'm so sorry for the position you find yourself in.

wow if it is not one thing its another... find your own place and dig in tight and tough... hold firm and stay the coarse.. and babe scream to this group.. we have all been in your shoes.. really. love and prayers from the US and wisconsin ardy..

Thanks so much for the support. I thought I was ok, but I'm sitting here reading and tearing up a little bit. You are all so right. I need to act on the facts as they are NOW.

Fact 1: I have to move out.
Fact 2: I need a place I can afford on my own.
Fact 3: I cannot factor him in at all, so I only need a place big enough for my stuff (minus the piano). His stuff can stay in storage or he can rent a garage.
Fact 4: I still don't know where my line in the sand is, but I am not cut up about the fact we may now be broken up. So maybe I am nearing my line.

*massive sigh*.

Well, I wanted to get out of this place anyway and it won't hurt my finances to downsize a bit. Not having a piano will make it ALOT easier.

Silver lining perhaps?

Attagirl, moves can quite literally lighten the load.

If I were you I wouldn't share living space with him at all until he is SOLIDLY sober for at least a year. If things go south, the choices between leaving, yourself, and kicking him out (unless it's his place) aren't attractive. I've had to kick people out--no fun. If he gets sober and stays that way, THEN you can consider combining households.

Hugs, sorry for the eviction, but this might turn out for the best in the long run.

Yeah, I think moving in with a partner should be a symbol of things are going amazingly - and you want to plan a future together based on the fact that you are compatible and in love so far.

The magnitude of turmoil you are in with him seems like a big red flag to not move in together.

I say all that because I have moved in with a few partners so far, ignoring several red flags....you can spare yourself some heartache right now. (((HUGS))) Sista!

I would NOT get into any financial contract involving this guy.
He is unstable and cannot be relied on to follow simple instructions.
Getting you evicted should serve as warning sign not to get into any contract with this guy.

Just focus on your housing and financial/legal situation by yourself.
Don't mix either your personal relationship or his recovery with your financial and legal decisions that should be your own. Keep it simple,
so you don't stress out worse!

The other stuff can wait till later. One crisis at a time, please!

shil I think you know the answer here that you need to go in the direction that's not in any way dependent upon him (his signature on a contract, his $, his promises, etc) What I find interesting is that you place the "R" in front of acronyms for him for the most part like he's recovered or is in recovery and every time he goes off on his A-Trail you call it a relapse. Most of what I've read about him just shows an A. Are you sure you're being honest with yourself?

Unless his inheritance is enough to outright pay for the entire house without paying a mortgage, you may want to ask yourself if you are okay with making payments on his mortgage if he loses his job due to a relapse/incident involving alcohol.

I think that's partly because I only post here when he's drinking. The rest of the time, life is good so I don't feel the need to start my own threads so much then. He has a sponsor, works the steps and has got rid of alot of the 'isms'. It's easy to see the growth, when he's sober he's grown up alot and things really are good. Trouble is that every 3 months or so there is another binge and all the old cracks are blown wide open. So I put an R before the acronym because he is in recovery much of the time.

His inheritance is enough to pay for the house outright. I would/will not tie myself into any joint contract. Actually I don't think I would do that with anyone tbh. With the house, it would be in his name, we had planned to take different bills in our individual names. Or to have them all in his name and I contribute - being the more reliable of the two of us. That way I knew I would be able to save and be financially able to leave if I needed to.

For now, however. I have set up 5 viewings for flats that I can afford by myself. I have a piano valuation coming next week (it won't be much but might cover the deposit) and I have taken some advice about how to protect myself against my landlady when she tries to find any reason at all to keep my current deposit.

If he is not sober by the time I move out, his stuff will be going into a small garage I can rent cheaply (VERY cheaply). I am pretty sure he will be, though. This usually only lasts a couple of weeks. But, if not, I can manage.

I haven't figured out what to do regarding my relationship with him. But I do know that my ducks are in a row and I can and will find somewhere else to live and hey, I won't have my crummy landlady anymore!

Meanwhile, I have no idea where he is and I am not going to pry, this time. I do hope he's somewhere safe, though. If nothing else, it would be a lot simpler if the house sale were sorted and at least I could take my time about what I want to do...

Even if you are getting periods of time of sobriety that is not considered recovery if there is a pattern of binging every 3 month.

I wold not advise you live with this person. its a bad bet - because your sure bet is that he will drink. You have stated you can't be around him when he drinks. Currently the apt you have is YOURS, so you can ask him to leave or as happened the landlord has barred him from the property.

Once you move into HIS home I don't think things will work quite the same way do you? That means when he drinks it is YOU who will have to find a place to stay in the interim. If you think he will just up and vacate a home he owns so you can have peace and quiet think again. Its unlikely. In fact, its more likely that he will drink more because who is going to kick him out? Nobody.

Proceed with caution.

Once you move into HIS home I don't think things will work quite the same way do you? That means when he drinks it is YOU who will have to find a place to stay in the interim. If you think he will just up and vacate a home he owns so you can have peace and quiet think again. Its unlikely. In fact, its more likely that he will drink more because who is going to kick him out? Nobody.

Proceed with caution.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for this. I hadn't thought of it in that way before. I knew that I would not have the right to ask him to leave, but I figured at least in a multi-roomed property, I could sleep in a different room and get space that way. Or, if things got bad, I would have the money to either stay with my sister and help her with rent that month or stay in a hotel. I didn't think of it in terms that he might actually drink more because there are less consequences.

But then again, (debating out loud here), consequences don't seem to have much impact on him anyway. I mean, who drinks knowing they will have no-where to sleep that night?!

Some things to think about. Thank you.

Whilst typing this, I got a short text from him just letting me know he's safe (I haven't contacted him to request this information) and that he loves me. So I know at least the house sale will not be called off. The question now is what is my line? Why am I not simply walking away? This would be the end of the road for most people.

I have come a long way in the last few years, really, I have. I used to just shut up and put up with whatever I got from people. I do now stand up for myself better and I feel more secure in myself. Actually, a lot more secure in myself. But I guess I still have a lot more growing to do. It boils down to as simple as, I love him. I love being around him. Most of the time. Maybe, like with A's I just haven't hit bottom yet where the consequences outweigh the things I enjoy.

That said. I can picture a life without him now. A single life that would have made me run for cover a year ago. So there is some growth. It's certainly much better than my past relationships where I accepted being treated like dirt. He does treat me really well, even when drunk, mostly. Perhaps that's the problem. There's enough of a sweetener there that I keep 'drinking' the bitter stuff too.

Thanks for listening guys. And thanks for being so patient with me and not letting me have it on this occasion! I know I would have been tempted if I were hearing my story from my sister or a close friend.:You_Rock_

Hi again shil... I'm just curious... what was his drunken behavior like that got him kicked out of the apartment? It sounded like it had to be bad?

Thank you for this. I hadn't thought of it in that way before. I knew that I would not have the right to ask him to leave, but I figured at least in a multi-roomed property, I could sleep in a different room and get space that way. Or, if things got bad, I would have the money to either stay with my sister and help her with rent that month or stay in a hotel

Shil, does this sound like a reasonable way to live?

So-so. My landlady has been looking for a reason for a while. My bf got into a shouting match with her husband, he was trying to get them to pay up for the damage to my car. He didn't touch her husband, but kept blocking his path down the street away from the flat.

Can you see how those 2 statements mirror each other?

shil, it looks like you and I are nearly in the same boat, except yours has money to live/drink off of, and mine relied on me for a couple of years to do so. (You replied to my thread yesterday about setting boundaries.)

I *also* just got letter of notice that my lease is being terminated. :)

If I could do it all over, I would definitely recommend living separately until he has a good deal of sobriety under his belt (at least a year). I don't know how long you've been together, but the sooner you can do that the better. In my experience, the longer it goes on, the more exhausted you'll feel, and it's incredibly hard to suggest living separately to someone you've been living with for a while.

Would he have considered buying the house if you weren't going to move in? It seems like a pretty big financial decision to make (and expect your participation in) without assuming a major commitment to the relationship.

Regardless, I think the eviction is sufficient reason to back out of the arrangement until he's more stable. I've found that it's extremely important to have a place of your own where you can feel safe in spite of his choices (it can get very bad very quickly), and although I've relied on other people in the past for help in that area, there's a lot of emotional strength and self esteem to be gained from being able to provide it for yourself.

Good luck with everything. You're not alone. <3

Yes, I can. Wow. I clearly have ALOT of work to do. I never equated how'sI about him with the way maybe he feels about alcohol. I don't really know what to do with that. I just know I don't want to leave yet. Too much hope still maybe? Fear of being alone? I need to think about this.