AnvilheadII

where does fear of being HOMELESS come in? i find it pretty amazing that you are STILL considering living with this man....in this house he is supposed to be buying. hasn't he done enough???

emilynghiem

In order to have a healthy stable relationship,
both of you need to be stabilized first.
So working on your end of the deal IS investing in your relationship.

It's like a bridge that has to be anchored at both ends to work.
You can only make sure YOUR end is anchored securely.
That IS investing in building a stable bridge.
You can't worry about his end, you are in charge of your side.

the best way you can help him is by example, by taking 100%
responsibility for your things and not wasting a single brain
cell worrying what someone else is or isn't going to do.

If you act on the level you want to see in the relationship,
either he meets that standard, or he excuses himself and
opens the door for people who are responsible and support
you as friendships and relationships should be. They shouldn't
drag you down, but lift you up! It should be mutual, not this burden!

An investment in yourself IS an investment in stable relations in the future, with EVERYONE in your life, by taking care of YOUR side.

Keep up the good work, take heart, take courage in doing the right things, and take care. When you make the commitment to fix your problems, life will send you the support you need to do things right!

Ajax

Do I have it right that YOU will pay to store his stuff after he got you evicted? I don't know about the UK, but in the U.S. An eviction is not something you want on your record when looking to rent a new place. As Janet Jackson asked," What has he done FOR you lately?"

FeelingGreat

shil, coming in late on this. I can see how your thinking is evolving from still hoping things will be ok with him, to a more realistic view of your prospects as a couple.

I just want to add that it's always a bad idea to become financially dependent on someone at any level, but especially in these circumstances. Rely on yourself and your ability to manage your life, independent of his actions, otherwise you'll find yourself constantly compromising.

redatlanta

You know that this month you have been dealing with this for 2 years? Let's look at the progression. He is still relapsing. You call him "recovered" because he has periods of sobriety. He is not. This is you re-dfining a word to make this scenario work for you.

Now you been evicted from your home. You say you didn't like living there, glad to leave, its ok, etc which is you rationalizing the action which got you evicted - your alcoholic BF. Shall we give him a pat on the back for "helping" you out?

Now you are trying to "find" a way to move in with him, justify it, make it work (I'll just sleep in other areas of the house or leave when he get drunk).

Please step back and review this. There is something in you that knows this is a big huge mistake to move in with him but you don't want to give up on the dream that you will end up old in rocking chairs on the front porch of that phantom house. Not uncommon - this is codependent thinking.

Here is your reality, he is an active alcoholic. He binge drinks every couple of weeks. You can't be around him when he does. He is not showing any movement toward recovery. His alcoholism is costing YOU (not him, YOU). You have never been under the thumb of an alcoholic including this one because you have your own home; therefore, you have "some" power in this relationship. The idea of moving in and losing that should terrify you.

Don't want to break up with him then don't. You don't live with him now - you can lay a boundary for yourself to not live with alcoholism.

LexieCat

shil, I'd suggest giving a LOT of thought to red's post above. It's great to maintain a positive attitude, but when the positive attitude is a way of avoiding looking at, and accepting, difficult truths then that attitude is not serving you well.

Some things really are, objectively speaking, appropriate to view negatively. Getting evicted is one of them. Living in a home where your peace and your ability to live there is determined by whether someone else is drinking is another.

If you don't want to break it off with him then don't, but don't allow your well-being to be determined by his behavior.

Put that positive attitude to work finding a good, stable place for you to live, see him when you want to, but don't try to share a household with him. It's unlikely to turn out well for you.

And I agree with red on something else--he is NOT "recovering." He's white-knuckling between binges.

shil2587

Not exactly. But I needed to enable myself to get out of here whether or not he was drinking. Part of that would involve getting his stuff out. He would settle up with me once this binge had finished.

What has he done for me? Quite alot. He's my biggest cheerleader and has helped me become more assertive when I need to be.

I don't call him 'recovered' but I do call him recovering. He used to be a daily drinker and, two years ago, got into rehab, got a sponsor and works the steps. The 'isms' and many of the behaviours are utterly gone. But it's like every few months it switches off for a week or two. Recovery is a process and I do think he has started that process.

Financially, I will never allow myself to be dependant on anyone as long as I can work.

I have found a shared house and am moving in next week. That gives me a month to clear the flat and try to recover as much deposit as possible. Meanwhile, the house buy is only a few weeks away from completion. He is sober and home.

I don't want a life where I have to think about sleeping elsewhere, but fit now, I am being realistic about it. For the most part, we are a happy couple, but I am planning on taking care of myself first and foremost of I need to. If his recovery does not progress further, I won't hang around forever. I am sure of that. I just haven't reached the end of my tether yet. But at the same time, I plan for the worst and will make sure I can financially support myself and leave if I need to.

Also, update: according to a neighbour, my bf was annoying and kept demanding the money my landlord owes me, but the landlord had one of the carpet fitters who were there put him in a headlock and push him into the street. The carpet fitter was carrying a large knife at the time. So, yes, I had been wanting to move. That's why we were buying our own pace. Of course I don't want to applaud him! The sarcasm really wasn't needed. But my landlord is a real piece of work and I am not sorry to be going. I am angry it's not on my own terms. I am angry that I will never get the money off him. I am angry that bf drank again.

jjj111

"That's why we were buying our own place."

Shil, just to be clear: there is no "we" in the house purchase, is there? He is buying the place with money HE inherited and you are hoping to live there rent free?

My last AXBF told me that he would soon be inheriting a large amount of money. I actually think in retrospect that this was a lie, but that doesn't really matter, I believed him at the time. And looking back and being brutally honest with myself, it kept me hanging on. I loaned him money, and he told me that he would repay me and then some. I thought he was going to take good care of me when he got his inheritance. I couldn't wait to have my financial worries disappear. I have to admit it: greed kept me hanging on. I thought that I had earned the right to benefit from his inheritance with all the love and patience I had poured into the relationship. Well, in the end I never did get my payday. He still owes me money, and I had to let it go so that I could live a healthy and happy life.

I guess I'm just saying: check your motives here. It sounds like you're still holding on to the fantasy of moving in with him eventually. In order to let go of this relationship, you might have to let go of both him and also your fantasies about what his inheritance can do for you.

thequest

I hear you, we recently lost a friend who's partner not only got him evicted out their last place but they had to move at least 3 times into cheaper places because all the money was going towards her habit or rehab. They sold at least two houses for her habit and lost or left several rentals because there was no money left after her.

That last eviction stressed him out financial and physically to the point where cancer seem to have come out of no where and took him in less than 1 year. She was so messed up he had to drive to her place to walk her dog costing him much needed rest and gas & money. Hate to say it but sometimes it's not worth helping people especially with no signs of change.

Peace

Ursula745

rationalize = Rational Lies

shil2587

I would NEVER move in with someone because they had money! If I wanted someone with money I wouldn't be with an alcoholic, I'd be with one of the landed men I met at University. I say 'we' because that's how we phrase it as being 'our' home. I know it will be his name on the title, but as a process, WE chose it with the aim of living there together and building a life for ourselves. Whether that life turns out to be possible is another matter, hence planning also for the worst. But we want to try for the time being.

I honestly don't think I am telling 'rational lies' to myself or anyone else. I had set myself the deadline of being out of there and away from such an awful, threatening landlord/lady by Christmas. I am also fully aware that things would not have come to such a head so soon if he hadn't drank and confronted them. I am absolutely aware that my relationship with him may not be able to be a permanent one. I posted because I felt stressed about having go move so quickly, upset about all the reasons that had come together outside of my control and angry, very angry with my landlady. I expected to be told 'leave him then'. But I didn't expect or invite suggestions that I am with him for his money or that I am making up lies to.myself or anyone else!

If it was about greed, or not being able to let go of the payday, I would be taking my landlady to court for both my deposit and the money for my car. I have instead written them both off in the pursuit of just getting away from her.

I wasn't expecting applause for being with an alcoholic, but as most of us are in a similar position I did hope for a little shared experience and feeling less alone dealing with this. Thank you to those who did that. I do appreciate your posts. However, I think I will stop reading this thread now. I don't need the extra stress.

AnvilheadII

I don't call him 'recovered' but I do call him recovering. He used to be a daily drinker and, two years ago, got into rehab, got a sponsor and works the steps. The 'isms' and many of the behaviours are utterly gone. But it's like every few months it switches off for a week or two. Recovery is a process and I do think he has started that process.

he's still DRINKING. that is not RECOVERY. and after being WARNED by your landlord that he was not welcome on the property, what did he do? did he take YOUR security into account? nope, he got drunk, made an AZZ of himself TO your landlord, demanding money that is not due to HIM (and if it is due to you then you should file in small claims) and now YOU are being EVICTED.

HE DID THAT. by choice. no you don't want to hear this stuff - you still believe that he will buy this home and it will be YOUR home and you two will live happily ever after. with HIS money. you aren't buying this home together, your name will not be on the deed. you did also state that you will then be able to live "mortgage AND rent free" which means you will be relying on HIS money for your housing. good luck with that.

shil2587

The house contract is in the post and is only a few weeks from completion. So that's neither a fantasy nor a lie. I mentioned the lack of rent and mortgage in response to people warning me not to be financially dependant on him. I am not njw nor shall I be as after my share of bills are paid, I will have a little left to save. In short I am insulating myself. This is not a fantasy, not is it a lie. I have my at any point in my explanation explained away his behaviour. I haven't excused it nor okayed it, but I have tried to give the context of several factors coming together ationce, triggered by him, yes.

I am actually a little in shock to be receiving accusations about my motives of moving in with someone and my honesty with myself or anyone else. These are not things I have ever been accused of by anyone and they are absolutely NOT a part of my personality or character.

It's one thing to share experience and give advice. It's quite another to accuse someone of money grabbing ormajing sarcastic comments.

This is the only place I have/had to contact people who might have a little empathy and helpful advice when dealing with alcoholism and I have learned alot here. But I don't feel I can post anymore when all that comes back is judgement, accusation and sarcasm. This is my real life. I am actually dealing with this now. Reading and posting here should be encouraging and supportive. Not adding to the emotional trauma.

Would a moderator please close this thread? I am finding it impossible not to check in and defend myself and I need this source of stress to end.

Dee74

Thread closed - subject to resident FFA forum mods taking a look

Dee
Moderator
SR